How would you etiquette pros handle this?

sarawifenow · March 2014

Hi Ladies,

I am in need of your awesome advice again! I seem to be having a little MOH...situation.

So here is the backstory....

When FI and I got engaged, I knew instantly that I wanted my two best friends to be co-MOHs. We confirmed with all VIPS a good date that would work for them and settled on Oct. 18, 2014.

Once I had my BMs selected and confirmed, I got budgets from everyone ($250). We picked out a dress that everyone loved in the store and looked fabulous on everyone's body types. The dress came in at $150. Bonus!

Fast forward to about a month ago. One of my MOHs (we'll call her "K" for this), loses her job. I have been trying to be there for her through this, but she is always up in the mountains taking ski weekends which I am not quite sure how she is affording them...my other MOH and I have been having our weekly girls nights without K. K isn't interested in girls nights now she says. I have tried talking to her about this, but she blows me off.

So I get a text from K yesterday saying that she doesn't think she can afford her dress now because she doesn't have a job. I immedietly tried calling and was forwarded to VM. So I sent a text and said, "K, I completely understand! I couldn't imagine not having you in my wedding over a stupid dress. How about this, you let me buy your dress for you as a gift, but in exchange, you have to help me with makeup ideas. You are so much better at makeup than me!" She never responded...nothing. Until just now. She texts me and says she doesn't know and that the dress is way over her budget and it doesn't even look good on her. I respond that she looks fantastic in the dress (which she does!) and that she doesn't need to worry about the money (which she doesn't). She then says that she doesn't even know if she will be free on Oct. 18th...wth?

I am so confused. Do you think she misinterpreted my text? K is one of my bffs and I can't imagine not having her at my wedding. It just seems I am being met with excuse after excuse. Any suggestions on what to do next?

cfh071000 · March 2014

It does sound like there are a lot of excuses. Maybe there is something else going on that you are not aware of. I would try and see if she could meet up for lunch/coffe/anything and you can talk with her and then she ould see how sincere you are., and you guys can go from there.

sarawifenow · March 2014

@cfh71000, that is great advice! I have been trying to get her alone for awhile now. It just seems like she isn't interested anymore. I am a little hurt because she has never really held anything back from me.

phira · March 2014

That's rough. Sounds like depression. I would do a few things:

- I'd give her a little bit of space for a (short) period of time. She's probably overwhelmed right now, and while depression gets worse when people leave you alone, sometimes it helps to have some time where you don't need to deal with other people.

- When you do talk to her, don't bring up the wedding/MOH stuff unless she does. Right now, it's small potatoes.

- When you do spend time with her, spend time together, just the two of you. No MOH stuff.

mbross3 · March 2014

I also just want to add that losing your job can be really hard and then having to tell people you can't afford things is doubly hard. Maybe her pride would be hurt by letting you buy the dress, maybe she's struggling with money and embarrassed about it. I think you're absolutely doing the right thing so far, I'm just trying to add a little perspective--> that she might be making excuses because she's embarrassed about not having any money/being able to afford the things she used to.

Maybe invite her over to your place for a glass of wine or something (that way it's not somewhere "out" and she knows she wouldn't have to spend money) and just chat with her and see how she's doing. Then see if you can bring the topic up tactfully to show you're sincere and just trying to support her.

Good luck!

grumbledore · March 2014

cfh071000 said:

It does sound like there are a lot of excuses. Maybe there is something else going on that you are not aware of. I would try and see if she could meet up for lunch/coffe/anything and you can talk with her and then she ould see how sincere you are., and you guys can go from there.

I think this is good advice - drop the wedding talk for a little while, take her out for lunch or something and find out what's going on with her. When people pull away, there's usually a reason, and plenty of the time it has nothing to do with the wedding.

OliveOilsMom · March 2014

SaraBrideSoon said:

Hi Ladies,
I am in need of your awesome advice again! I seem to be having a little MOH...situation.
So here is the backstory....
When FI and I got engaged, I knew instantly that I wanted my two best friends to be co-MOHs. We confirmed with all VIPS a good date that would work for them and settled on Oct. 18, 2014.
Once I had my BMs selected and confirmed, I got budgets from everyone ($250). We picked out a dress that everyone loved in the store and looked fabulous on everyone's body types. The dress came in at $150. Bonus!
Fast forward to about a month ago. One of my MOHs (we'll call her "K" for this), loses her job. I have been trying to be there for her through this, but she is always up in the mountains taking ski weekends which I am not quite sure how she is affording them...my other MOH and I have been having our weekly girls nights without K. K isn't interested in girls nights now she says. I have tried talking to her about this, but she blows me off.
So I get a text from K yesterday saying that she doesn't think she can afford her dress now because she doesn't have a job. I immedietly tried calling and was forwarded to VM. So I sent a text and said, "K, I completely understand! I couldn't imagine not having you in my wedding over a stupid dress. How about this, you let me buy your dress for you as a gift, but in exchange, you have to help me with makeup ideas. You are so much better at makeup than me!" She never responded...nothing. Until just now. She texts me and says she doesn't know and that the dress is way over her budget and it doesn't even look good on her. I respond that she looks fantastic in the dress (which she does!) and that she doesn't need to worry about the money (which she doesn't). She then says that she doesn't even know if she will be free on Oct. 18th...wth?
I am so confused. Do you think she misinterpreted my text? K is one of my bffs and I can't imagine not having her at my wedding. It just seems I am being met with excuse after excuse. Any suggestions on what to do next?

I bet your friend is probably very stressed right now about not having a job. The ski trips might be her only release right now. She could have also prepaid for the trips and couldn't get any money back. You just don't know and shouldn't speculate about how someone else spends their money.

Try and talk to her as a friend. She is withdrawing from her regular life for some reason. Perhaps she is embarrassed about losing her job and doesn't know how to face anyone. Tell her you are worried about her because she seems to be withdrawing from you and your other friend. Ask her some open ended questions and just let her talk. And even if she brings up the wedding, deflect wedding talk to focus on your friend.

sarawifenow · March 2014

@OliveOilsMom, @GlitterWitch22, I never meant to imply that I thought it was my business on how she spends her money. I can see how it came across that way. I would never bring this up to her, though!

Hopefully we are able to get together so that I can see what is going on with her. At what point do I need to ask her if she is planning on being in the wedding? I would like to order her dress for her, but don't want to do so if there really isn't any interest. 2 months? 3 months? Thanks!

MobKaz · March 2014

I agree with everything everyone one has said.

Clearly her self esteem took a hard hit. You don't know what her personal finances look like, and she may have some debt she is concerned about paying. Additionally, she may be projecting future costs, such as showers, bachelorette parties, and other events. She may be worried that by not attending (because of a lack of funds), that she may disappoint you.

If this loss is recent, she may be in panic mode. You don't say what her living situation is, and whether she is self supporting. Depending on her skill set, it may or may not be easy for her to find a new position. That is a lot of stress and dread to carry.

sarawifenow · March 2014

@mobkaz-She currently lives alone which worries me as well. I just feel awful because I feel like I can't be there for my best friend. She seems to have no interest. I wish that I could just come out and say, "don't worry, I am not going to make you pay for anything. I just want you there!" without being super rude! Haha!

Bubblegum5586 · March 2014

SaraBrideSoon said:

Hi Ladies,
I am in need of your awesome advice again! I seem to be having a little MOH...situation.
So here is the backstory....
When FI and I got engaged, I knew instantly that I wanted my two best friends to be co-MOHs. We confirmed with all VIPS a good date that would work for them and settled on Oct. 18, 2014.
Once I had my BMs selected and confirmed, I got budgets from everyone ($250). We picked out a dress that everyone loved in the store and looked fabulous on everyone's body types. The dress came in at $150. Bonus!
Fast forward to about a month ago. One of my MOHs (we'll call her "K" for this), loses her job. I have been trying to be there for her through this, but she is always up in the mountains taking ski weekends which I am not quite sure how she is affording them...my other MOH and I have been having our weekly girls nights without K. K isn't interested in girls nights now she says. I have tried talking to her about this, but she blows me off.
So I get a text from K yesterday saying that she doesn't think she can afford her dress now because she doesn't have a job. I immedietly tried calling and was forwarded to VM. So I sent a text and said, "K, I completely understand! I couldn't imagine not having you in my wedding over a stupid dress. How about this, you let me buy your dress for you as a gift, but in exchange, you have to help me with makeup ideas. You are so much better at makeup than me!" She never responded...nothing. Until just now. She texts me and says she doesn't know and that the dress is way over her budget and it doesn't even look good on her. I respond that she looks fantastic in the dress (which she does!) and that she doesn't need to worry about the money (which she doesn't). She then says that she doesn't even know if she will be free on Oct. 18th...wth?
I am so confused. Do you think she misinterpreted my text? K is one of my bffs and I can't imagine not having her at my wedding. It just seems I am being met with excuse after excuse. Any suggestions on what to do next?

This is what stood out the most to me. It does seem like excuse after excuse and I don't blame you for being hurt by it. Clearly there are some bigger issues here. As PPs have said take some non wedding time and just chat with her (girls night in with a bottle of wine was a great idea!)

Emmy1493 · March 2014

I agree, give her some space for a bit. Losing a job can be very, very depressing. On that note, I think her giving you those excuses are hinting (at least to me) that she just might not be interested in wedding stuff anymore. I would say after giving her some space, have a heart to heart, and keep wedding talk out of it if possible. There is a deeper issue than all of this wedding stuff, at hand and I think seeing what is up is the best thing you can do ATM.

mysticl · March 2014

I went through a period of unemployment a couple of years ago. It's not just depressing it can be terrifying when you are facing the possibility of being homeless. I had to bow out of some social obligations because I was searching for a job and needed to be available for interviews and to work if I got an offer. When you are desperate you don't want to give a potential employer any reason to say "no".

How would you etiquette pros handle this?

Re: How would you etiquette pros handle this?

Choose Another Board

Search Boards