Requesting a Plus One

dandreap · March 2014

My fiancé and I are on a tight budget and only gave +1's to guests who were already in relationships (and guests' SOs of course). Single friends and family members over 18 did not receive +1's. Recently, a groomsman asked if he could bring his girlfriend, whom he started dating recently. The groomsman is out of town and we have not met the girlfriend. We invited a little over the capacity of the venue, knowing some who could not make it that deserved an invite regardless, but I do not think we have room to invite this new gf. We would definitely tack her onto the list after receiving all the RSVPs, however, since they are out of town she would have to had booked a flight in advance, which puts us in a problematic situation. I do not want to risk inviting too many people but feel like it would be rude not to invite her, even if she's a recent gf. What should we do?

KatWAG · March 2014

dandreap said:

My fiancé and I are on a tight budget and only gave +1's to guests who were already in relationships (and guests' SOs of course). Single friends and family members over 18 did not receive +1's. Recently, a groomsman asked if he could bring his girlfriend, whom he started dating recently. The groomsman is out of town and we have not met the girlfriend. We invited a little over the capacity of the venue, knowing some who could not make it that deserved an invite regardless, but I do not think we have room to invite this new gf. We would definitely tack her onto the list after receiving all the RSVPs, however, since they are out of town she would have to had booked a flight in advance, which puts us in a problematic situation. I do not want to risk inviting too many people but feel like it would be rude not to invite her, even if she's a recent gf. What should we do?

You already did invite too many people since you invited over your capacity. That was a bad idea. What if everyone comes? Did you account for yourrselves, photographer, DOC, catering etc.

And yes, GM should be invited with his GF. It doesnt matter whether or not you have met her. They are a social unit and shouldnt be broken up.

Maggie0829 · March 2014

dandreap said:

My fiancé and I are on a tight budget and only gave +1's to guests who were already in relationships (and guests' SOs of course). Single friends and family members over 18 did not receive +1's. Recently, a groomsman asked if he could bring his girlfriend, whom he started dating recently. The groomsman is out of town and we have not met the girlfriend. We invited a little over the capacity of the venue, knowing some who could not make it that deserved an invite regardless, but I do not think we have room to invite this new gf. We would definitely tack her onto the list after receiving all the RSVPs, however, since they are out of town she would have to had booked a flight in advance, which puts us in a problematic situation. I do not want to risk inviting too many people but feel like it would be rude not to invite her, even if she's a recent gf. What should we do?

The bolded, never a good idea. You should plan for 100% attendance. What happens if everyone decides to come to you wedding?

I am in the camp that members of the wedding party deserve to bring a date if they are truly single because these people are taking time out of their life and money out of their wallet to be in your wedding. The least you could do is allow them to bring someone, especially if they have to travel.

And since this is his girlfriend he should have been invited with her regardless because they are a couple, she is not just some random date. It does not matter if you have met her or not.

phira · March 2014

dandreap said:

My fiancé and I are on a tight budget and only gave +1's to guests who were already in relationships (and guests' SOs of course). Single friends and family members over 18 did not receive +1's. Recently, a groomsman asked if he could bring his girlfriend, whom he started dating recently. The groomsman is out of town and we have not met the girlfriend. We invited a little over the capacity of the venue, knowing some who could not make it that deserved an invite regardless, but I do not think we have room to invite this new gf. We would definitely tack her onto the list after receiving all the RSVPs, however, since they are out of town she would have to had booked a flight in advance, which puts us in a problematic situation. I do not want to risk inviting too many people but feel like it would be rude not to invite her, even if she's a recent gf. What should we do?

So, for lurkers:

Never, ever invite more than capacity. Assume 100% attendance and don't send courtesy invitations (invitations to people to be polite, but whom you wouldn't ACTUALLY invite if you knew for sure they could make it).

OP:

Did they start dating before or after the invitations went out? Either way, it would be nice if you could accommodate her. I would talk with the groomsman and let him know that you would definitely like to invite her, but that you're concerned that you will not have space. You don't want to assume there won't be space and have her end up missing out or booking a flight last minute. Nor do you want her to spend all this money getting out to your wedding and having to spend the evening alone in a hotel room. So, getting his input would be helpful.

If they started dating (like, for realsies were not in a relationship at all) until after the invitations went out, I wouldn't stress too much about it. We have to draw the line somewhere, and once the guest list is 100% finalized (you have no more room to add anyone because you didn't know this girlfriend was going to exist), it's really out of your hands and not an etiquette mistake.

If they were dating before the invites went out, there's no use admonishing you for not finding out if he was dating someone, and it doesn't really FIX the problem. But I would put more of an effort into making sure she can attend if they were dating before the invites went out, than I would if the relationship started after.

If that makes any sense.

MobKaz · March 2014

dandreap said:

My fiancé and I are on a tight budget and only gave +1's to guests who were already in relationships (and guests' SOs of course). Single friends and family members over 18 did not receive +1's. Recently, a groomsman asked if he could bring his girlfriend, whom he started dating recently. The groomsman is out of town and we have not met the girlfriend. We invited a little over the capacity of the venue, knowing some who could not make it that deserved an invite regardless, but I do not think we have room to invite this new gf. We would definitely tack her onto the list after receiving all the RSVPs, however, since they are out of town she would have to had booked a flight in advance, which puts us in a problematic situation. I do not want to risk inviting too many people but feel like it would be rude not to invite her, even if she's a recent gf. What should we do?

I think that if there is any possible way to include his GF, I would recommend you try. I personally feel that a +1 should automatically be given to any member of the wedding party, regardless of relationship status. Depending on how you have arranged for your wedding party to sit at dinner, I would think adding one chair would not tip the scales. I am sure the groomsman would appreciate it.

pinkshorts27 · March 2014

I think (for lurkers, not much you can do now) that you never ever invite a little over capacity for a venue and you should always leave yourselves wiggle room in the budget and the venue capacity for single guests who start dating.

I also am of the opinion that all wedding party should get a +1 regardless of relationship status and especially if they are traveling.

That being said:

I think it is understandable if invites went out before he started dating, but if invites haven't gone out yet, you need to find a way to make room for her. If invites have already gone out, let me know the situation, apologize for messing up (in my opinion), and tell him you will let him know asap if room opens up.

HisGirlFriday13 · March 2014

I agree with all PPs. You should not have invited over the capacity of your venue. Note to lurkers, don't do that.

If this GM was dating this girl when the invites went out, she should have been invited. Your having not met her is utterly irrelevant to anything whatsoever.

If they started dating since the invites went out, you don't have to include her, but it would be nice if you could, because I'm also in the camp of people in the WP get special privileges and should be allowed to bring plus-ones.

CheleLyn · March 2014

I had texted one of J's friends for his address and asked if he was currently seeing anyone and what her name is so I could extend him a +1. He said he wasn't seeing but "Can I have a +1 anyway? I'm sure I can find someone to bring." Ummm, holy wow! I was so irritated, but J said to go ahead and give him the +1 since he will most likely just come with one of the single girls already invited.

I have to say, during the course of our engagement I have been able to explain to J why just taking anyone to a wedding is rude. It's common here to just assume you can take someone as a guest. Of course, the fact that every person that comes is another head to pay for has helped...our caterer is reasonable, but it adds up!

dandreap · March 2014

The people invited over capacity already stated they could not attend, so the invite was more a formality to let them know we would have wanted them there. At any rate, it's over zealous to say 100% invited guests would attend if you're not the hosts and have no inkling as per the state of each individual guest. For instance, we invited an elderly relative who is bedridden and can in no way attend our wedding.

dandreap · March 2014

mobkaz said:
I think that if there is any possible way to include his GF, I would recommend you try. I personally feel that a +1 should automatically be given to any member of the wedding party, regardless of relationship status. Depending on how you have arranged for your wedding party to sit at dinner, I would think adding one chair would not tip the scales. I am sure the groomsman would appreciate it.

Thanks for being polite in your answer. The guests of our bridal party will not be sitting at the head table, so we could sit her at any table where she would feel welcome. I guess the main issue we see is that there are other people on the B List who are ahead of her. If we can't extend invites to all of them, would it be right to push her to the top? I wouldn't feel comfortable with that, especially because the others on the B List are friends and family I have known for awhile.

Maggie0829 · March 2014

dandreap said:

mobkaz said:
I think that if there is any possible way to include his GF, I would recommend you try. I personally feel that a +1 should automatically be given to any member of the wedding party, regardless of relationship status. Depending on how you have arranged for your wedding party to sit at dinner, I would think adding one chair would not tip the scales. I am sure the groomsman would appreciate it.

Thanks for being polite in your answer. The guests of our bridal party will not be sitting at the head table, so we could sit her at any table where she would feel welcome. I guess the main issue we see is that there are other people on the B List who are ahead of her. If we can't extend invites to all of them, would it be right to push her to the top? I wouldn't feel comfortable with that, especially because the others on the B List are friends and family I have known for awhile.

So you are separating the wedding party members from their SOs? That is considered rude by the way. Why is it that you and your H get to sit together at the reception but your nearest and dearest (the members of your wedding party) have to be split up from their SOs?

And you really shouldn't have a B list. Again, members of your wedding party should be able to bring a date regardless because of the time and money they are putting in for your wedding.

KittyKaty20 · March 2014

dandreap said:

They were not dating when invites went out, so the request was a surprise. In terms of inviting over capacity, I do not think it's as big of an issue as many are stating. Those extras are people who already said they couldn't make it, due to cost, travel, etc., but they are family who we wanted to appreciate with an invite. Regardless, if we had invited just at capacity and then had this request, it would still put us over cap and the question remains the same.

First: It IS a big deal to invite over capacity. Venues have these caps to ensure the safety/comfort of the persons using the room, and to comply with state/local laws.

Second: if ONE MORE person puts you over the cap of the venue, then you messed up. Period. Why would you ever want to stress yourself out like that?

To answer your question:

You and/or FI need to call the groomsman and be honest & humble.

"We made a mistake when planning our guest list and are currently over the capacity of the venue. We would love for your girlfriend to come, but we need to make sure we have (X number of) declines before we can extend the invitation to her. We are terribly sorry and AS SOON AS we get those declines, we will call you directly. Our RSVP deadline is (X date). We are also going to talk to the venue and see if there is ANY wiggle room/additional options so we can include your girlfriend. We feel so bad putting you in this position and WE ARE WORKING on resolving this."

Then do ALL OF THAT.

dandreap · March 2014

blueeyes90 said:

I think (for lurkers, not much you can do now) that you never ever invite a little over capacity for a venue and you should always leave yourselves wiggle room in the budget and the venue capacity for single guests who start dating.
I also am of the opinion that all wedding party should get a +1 regardless of relationship status and especially if they are traveling.

That being said:
I think it is understandable if invites went out before he started dating, but if invites haven't gone out yet, you need to find a way to make room for her. If invites have already gone out, let me know the situation, apologize for messing up (in my opinion), and tell him you will let him know asap if room opens up.

You're right in saying the situation changes depending on if they'd been dating before or after the send out of invites. They had not bee dating at the time, so my gut reaction is to say we will put her on the B List. The problem is she would need to book a flight, and the longer she waist the more costly it will be. At the same time, we have other on our B List who we have personal relationships with and we would have to bump them down the list to invite her. Thoughts?

Maggie0829 · March 2014

dandreap said:

blueeyes90 said:

I think (for lurkers, not much you can do now) that you never ever invite a little over capacity for a venue and you should always leave yourselves wiggle room in the budget and the venue capacity for single guests who start dating.
I also am of the opinion that all wedding party should get a +1 regardless of relationship status and especially if they are traveling.

That being said:
I think it is understandable if invites went out before he started dating, but if invites haven't gone out yet, you need to find a way to make room for her. If invites have already gone out, let me know the situation, apologize for messing up (in my opinion), and tell him you will let him know asap if room opens up.

You're right in saying the situation changes depending on if they'd been dating before or after the send out of invites. They had not bee dating at the time, so my gut reaction is to say we will put her on the B List. The problem is she would need to book a flight, and the longer she waist the more costly it will be. At the same time, we have other on our B List who we have personal relationships with and we would have to bump them down the list to invite her. Thoughts?

I am confused. If you had so many people on your B list then why did you pick the venue that you did? Why didn't you pick a venue that would have actually held all the people that you wanted to invite rather then having a rude b-list and extending invitations to those individuals after declines were received. I feel like you really planned things poorly.

cruffino · March 2014

Rethink splitting up couples and having a B list. Treat everyone as an honored guest.

KittyKaty20 · March 2014

dandreap said:

blueeyes90 said:

I think (for lurkers, not much you can do now) that you never ever invite a little over capacity for a venue and you should always leave yourselves wiggle room in the budget and the venue capacity for single guests who start dating.
I also am of the opinion that all wedding party should get a +1 regardless of relationship status and especially if they are traveling.

That being said:
I think it is understandable if invites went out before he started dating, but if invites haven't gone out yet, you need to find a way to make room for her. If invites have already gone out, let me know the situation, apologize for messing up (in my opinion), and tell him you will let him know asap if room opens up.

You're right in saying the situation changes depending on if they'd been dating before or after the send out of invites. They had not bee dating at the time, so my gut reaction is to say we will put her on the B List. The problem is she would need to book a flight, and the longer she waist the more costly it will be. At the same time, we have other on our B List who we have personal relationships with and we would have to bump them down the list to invite her. Thoughts?

Yeah...DON'T HAVE A FREAKING B-LIST! Why, oh why didn't you come to the etiquette board first?!

You MUST invite her. If you think you are going to have enough declines that you are able to have a *shudder* B List, then just invite her now.

I am now of the belief that it's not so much a "venue' capacity issue as it is a "budget" capacity issue. I am about to wash my hands of this etiquette train-wreck...

pinkshorts27 · March 2014

dandreap said:

The people invited over capacity already stated they could not attend, so the invite was more a formality to let them know we would have wanted them there. At any rate, it's over zealous to say 100% invited guests would attend if you're not the hosts and have no inkling as per the state of each individual guest. For instance, we invited an elderly relative who is bedridden and can in no way attend our wedding.

No matter the circumstance, you should be prepared to have 100 percent attendance. That is just common sense. I never would invite to capacity, because generally capacity is crowded and uncomfortable anyways. So I would always have wiggle room, but I thought was common sense. Clearly you don't ever expect 100 percent attendance, but you are always prepared for it. That is being a good hostess.

phira · March 2014

...

pinkshorts27 · March 2014

dandreap said:

mobkaz said:
I think that if there is any possible way to include his GF, I would recommend you try. I personally feel that a +1 should automatically be given to any member of the wedding party, regardless of relationship status. Depending on how you have arranged for your wedding party to sit at dinner, I would think adding one chair would not tip the scales. I am sure the groomsman would appreciate it.

Thanks for being polite in your answer. The guests of our bridal party will not be sitting at the head table, so we could sit her at any table where she would feel welcome. I guess the main issue we see is that there are other people on the B List who are ahead of her. If we can't extend invites to all of them, would it be right to push her to the top? I wouldn't feel comfortable with that, especially because the others on the B List are friends and family I have known for awhile.

Also, you should not separate bridal party members from their dates. That is just rude. If you have a head table, you should sit the dates with them at the head table.

misshart00 · March 2014

I just wanted to say something about capacity that has nothing to do with weddings, but could relate. There is a restaurant near my house. I once counted the seats; 46. It's a fairly small restaurant and the tables are close together. I've been there when most tables were full and it's uncomfortable. The capacity is 95. I have no idea how that would work. This is how max capacity would be at most wedding venues too.

Viczaesar · March 2014

1. Invite the girlfriend.
2. Nix the B-list. If they aren't a SO of someone that you should now invite because you neglected to before, and you've already sent invitations out, then everybody you didn't invite is on your not-invited list, not on your B-list. Inviting additional people as space becomes available is horrifically rude.
3. You need to seat your wedding party with their guests. It's rude and inappropriate to split up couples.

PrettyGirlLost · March 2014

For the love all that is holy please seat this GF with her BF, the GM. She is going to be flying to an OOT wedding of a couple she has never met and therefore I assume only knows her BF. . . Who will be gone the entire day leading up to the reception bc he is doing wedding party crap. SO she is gong to be alone all day as it is, sit alone during the ceremony, then go through cocktail hour alone while you take pictures. . . And you want her to eat dinner alone as well.

It sucks to be the date of a wedding party member, especially for an OOT wedding and for one in which you don't know anyone.

Seat her with her BF for dinner and please allow her to spend the day with him leading up to the ceremony if she wants to.

short+sassy · March 2014

I'm sure you're feeling stung regarding some of the responses about your B list. I'm not going to attack, I'm sure you mean well! But for your own sake I do want to represent why B-listing is considered rude and hurtful.

For the sake of your relationships with the people on your B List, don't..don't...don't send them invitations now. It is too late. Most people understand that not everyone a person wants to invite to a wedding can be invited. I would not be hurt and would not think it was rude if a good friend or even family member did not invite me to their wedding, especially if it was on the smaller side. However, what WOULD upset and offend me is to get a wedding invitation that was short notice and/or long after other invitations had been sent out because then I would know I was B-listed. I would feel like a "place filler", instead of a valued guest.

I'm not at all saying that would be your attitude, but that is how it will come across to most people.

APDSS22 · March 2014

dandreap said:

The people invited over capacity already stated they could not attend, so the invite was more a formality to let them know we would have wanted them there. At any rate, it's over zealous to say 100% invited guests would attend if you're not the hosts and have no inkling as per the state of each individual guest. For instance, we invited an elderly relative who is bedridden and can in no way attend our wedding.

It might be over zealous to say 100% of your guests will attend, but there is room for the possibility. Your elderly bedridden relative is one example of someone very unlikely to attend a wedding, but you invited over capacity. However many people you actually invited, you couldn't possibly know you would have that many declines. Out of state relatives all suddenly decide your wedding is the perfect reunion, friends working overseas get a bonus that lets them make travel plans they normally couldn't afford, even someone winning the lottery could happen to make attending your wedding a possibility.

The fact is, you planned poorly when you decided to invite more than the venue could hold. Some wiggle room should always be left in invites vs. capacity because at capacity, most rooms are crammed full of people who closely resemble anchovies. What if not enough people decline and you're over capacity? Fire codes shouldn't be taken lightly and that's what most venue capacities are based off of. I won't even go into the fact that you want to separate people invited together and have a backup list in case you get enough declines to fall under capacity. Most people are aware when they get an invitation with very little notice that they rank under your other guests who got theirs in a timely manner.

All you can do at this point is throw out your B-list, check your primary guest list for anyone now in a relationship who might assume their SO is invited and hope to goodness these people will be kind enough to forgive you for your error. Hopefully you have enough declines that the fire marshal doesn't make a guest appearance at your wedding to shut it down.

HisGirlFriday13 · March 2014

Wow, so this went from being rude to WP members to being rude enough to have a head table and a B-List.

This is like the Pandora's box of rude...it just keeps on giving.

NYCBruin · March 2014

misshart00 said:

I just wanted to say something about capacity that has nothing to do with weddings, but could relate. There is a restaurant near my house. I once counted the seats; 46. It's a fairly small restaurant and the tables are close together. I've been there when most tables were full and it's uncomfortable. The capacity is 95. I have no idea how that would work. This is how max capacity would be at most wedding venues too.

So much of this. It's in a venues interest to give you the highest possible maximum number they can because that means more $$ for them even if it means your guests have to awkwardly squeeze between chairs to use the restroom.

short+sassy · March 2014

NYCBruin said:

misshart00 said:

I just wanted to say something about capacity that has nothing to do with weddings, but could relate. There is a restaurant near my house. I once counted the seats; 46. It's a fairly small restaurant and the tables are close together. I've been there when most tables were full and it's uncomfortable. The capacity is 95. I have no idea how that would work. This is how max capacity would be at most wedding venues too.
So much of this. It's in a venues interest to give you the highest possible maximum number they can because that means more $$ for them even if it means your guests have to awkwardly squeeze between chairs to use the restroom.

Lol, there is a popular restaurant in my town with great, affordably priced food that I will NOT go to because the tables and chairs are so close together I am constantly having people's asses rubbing against the side of my chair and table...or my own ass rubbing against theirs, lol. Just no. I never even thought about if a fire broke out (shudder).

ScoutF · March 2014

Am I the only one thinking this might be fake? Starts off with one minor issue, then 'accidentally' mentions separating dates and pushing someone to the top of her B-list...

d2va · March 2014

I couldn't stop reading. Lol

huskypuppy14 · March 2014

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