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Bridesmaid Obligations?

kittin92kittin92 member
First Comment
in Wedding Etiquette Forum
For a little bit of background information before I get into the question:
My cousin is marrying his long-time girlfriend now fiancee. We are all excited!
She asked me to be her bridesmaid - I happily obliged.
I am out of town and am not available for hosting bridal showers.
I've already gotten my bridesmaid dress and have gotten her a gift for an upcoming shower. :) can't wait!

But one thing is bothering me:
Her maid of honor is planning a 4 day beach getaway Memorial Day weekend.
I've been asked if I am available for those days, and I would be. I've asked how much this would be so I can know if I can afford to go on this weekend.
I haven't received a response in weeks after inquiring one other time. I do not know the MOH, so I'm not sure how to proceed.
There are 3 total bridesmaids (including MOH).

I love my future in law but am not sure I want to pay for a 4 day bachelorette getaway. I'm definitely down with paying for a night on the town and things like that, but I don't have hundreds of dollars to put down toward this. How can I politely decline/address money? The other bridesmaid is not being included in the planning either, and we can't get much out of her. We will be seeing her in person this weekend, however.

I am doing an internship where I get no income, so I'm not exactly in a great financial spot right now. I have savings but want to use them toward my own wedding/future living expenses. :/

This is my first post on The Knot, so I hope I did okay!

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Re: Bridesmaid Obligations?

  • lyndausvilyndausvi mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
    Welcome!

    Ditto mandyfly84.   Sure it's an uncomfortable conversation but you just have to talk to her about the costs.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
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  • Jells2dot0Jells2dot0 mod
    Moderator Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    I did what the others suggested for my brother and SIL's wedding. I was the only BM not local to the area and they planned a weekend bachelorette party after I had already booked my plane ticket home. I also spent quite a bit on their gift- airline tix for their HM- and I spent a lot on my own airfare for the shower and wedding. I just told that to the MOH and BMs outright, as they wanted me to chip in for the party. Why pay for bottle service at a club I didn't attend? I love her, but I did wanted I wanted for them on my own terms b/c of my distance. Everyone understood once I told them what I had already gifted them.

     







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  • hikebikebemerryhikebikebemerry member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited March 2014
    Jells2dot0 said:
    I did what the others suggested for my brother and SIL's wedding. I was the only BM not local to the area and they planned a weekend bachelorette party after I had already booked my plane ticket home. I also spent quite a bit on their gift- airline tix for their HM- and I spent a lot on my own airfare for the shower and wedding. I just told that to the MOH and BMs outright, as they wanted me to chip in for the party. Why pay for bottle service at a club I didn't attend? I love her, but I did wanted I wanted for them on my own terms b/c of my distance. Everyone understood once I told them what I had already gifted them.
    That stinks that they didn't understand before knowing that!

    When did people stop treating others the way that they would want to be treated.  Who would like it if they politely declined something because [reason] and that reason wasn't taken seriously/ not good enough?!

    ETA: Ditto PPs about talking to the MOH, and declining (or figuring out some variation that works for you) if it's out of what you feel comfortable spending.
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  • Blue_BirdBlue_Bird member
    Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 500 Comments First Answer
    Welcome, kittin92! You definitely aren't obligated to attend. I would tell her that you are able to spend x amount, and if you don't receive a response by x date, you unfortunately won't be prepared to attend.
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  • blabla89blabla89 member
    Ninth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    Just curious, do you know whether this is completely MOH's idea or is it coming from the bride?

    Either way, I would tell MOH that since the plans and cost of the trip weren't discussed with you and the other BMs beforehand, you won't be able to make it. It's not personal, it's finances.
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  • kittin92kittin92 member
    First Comment
    It is also coming from the bride. I talked to the bride today since she is in on the planning, and I asked her if she knew anything about how much it would cost and if they had any idea of how we would split up the cost.

    She doesn't know. I don't think anyone really knows right now to be honest. I don't really want to go on a mini vacation. It sounded okay at first when it was talked about being a 2 night thing the first time I heard about it but now it is 4 nights. That's a little long! I let the bride know my concerns, but I think she just thinks I'll end up chipping in regardless.

    Thanks for the warm welcome and responses. I think I'll just have to approach the MOH and outright ask her. I've got to get control over the situation before it becomes "you owe me $$$ by ____." I'd hate to make it to where they can't go, but it's not really been my decision yet either.

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  • kittin92kittin92 member
    First Comment
    Another mini-fiasco we have going on is the boutique where the bride got her gown and our bridesmaid dresses messed up the sizing on ALL dresses but ONE. Five of 6 dresses are messed up.
    I'm not blaming the bride at all, but we now have some other costs coming up.

    - my BM dress is huge on top. You can see my entire bra.
    - 1 BM cannot even begin to zip her dress, and I asked a tailor today who said the dresses we have do not have material to give, so he'll have to add fabric to the back.
    - an adolescent who is size 0 (I'm size 6) was ordered the same size dress as me
    etc.
    We're looking at around $60-70 alterations per dress if we just take the dress in and do not alter length.

    Here's the doozie:
    - Bride's dress was ordered in the size she tried on in the store which was obviously the wrong size to everyone who saw it. Would be no big deal, but they messed up and ordered the wrong size.
    - to "fix" the problem they found the dress in her size up top but it's way too long for her. To fix everything will cost $1000 in alterations. She's starting with a $250 option.

    It's a sad disaster, and the boutique literally said "you ordered that size, not our problem."
    They are the 'experts' who took our measurements and recommended sizes!
    Anyway...
    this poor bride is stressed to the max already. She loves her gown (it's her 2nd one - 1st didn't fit the venue) and said she would actually be willing to pay $1000 to alter the dress.
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  • Simply FatedSimply Fated member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    That is terrible what that bridal salon did. They messed up so you all have to pay them? Scammmm.

    As for your bach party problem, I agree with pps. Be more active about getting a cost estimate and if it's not in your budget, send your regrets.
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  • missnc77missnc77 member
    100 Comments 100 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited March 2014
    My MOH and a bridesmaid planned a weekend out of town, but it was only two hours away and we stayed at her parents house (beach town). So no plane tickets or hotel costs were needed. And no one "chipped in." We all paid for our own meals, including me. They did bring about 20 bottles of wine though. :) One of the girls couldn't make the entire weekend, but she did drive down for lunch on Saturday. I was appreciative of everyone coming, but that really just meant the world to me that she'd take the time to drive down just for lunch. I don't know how far away distance wise this party will be from you, but you mentioned coming for one night or for a shorter duration of time. I think that would be very nice of you, and any nice person would totally think the world of you, not be upset for you not being able to make the whole weekend.

    And she sounds like me with the dress disaster. I'm trying not to think about it. They ordered my dress way too big and are charging me $750 for alterations. Highway robbery. And even then, the seamstress says the dress has to be taken in so much that it will cause ripples. Needless to say, I'm dreading my second fitting. It's causing me a lot of stress. I'm trying to keep it in perspective - first world problems. Could be worse, right?
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  • climbingsingleclimbingsingle member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Holy shitballs. That salon really fucked things up royally. If I were you, I'd take my dress to another seamstress/tailor to get the alterations made. 

    Also, you're totally fine bowing out of the bachelorette weekend. Just inform the MOH that funds are low and you won't be able to attend. 
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  • hyechica81hyechica81 member
    Knottie Warrior 1000 Comments 100 Love Its First Answer
    you are fine to bow out. i told my sister my wishes for my party i said manis pedis some dinner then off to the country bar my maids who are local are down for it i wanted the mani and peid and dinner so that one of my local maids who is a teen can partake in some of the activities
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  • kgd7357kgd7357 member
    100 Love Its 100 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper

    It's really important to get a close estimate of cost BEFORE you commit to going on any bachelorette event. But once you commit (or not) don't change your mind. It'll really screw up the cost for the other girls if you back out (splitting hotels/transit/dinner for bride/etc.) Be upfront that if you don't get a good estimate, you just can't go. It sucks but the bride will understand.

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  • HisGirlFriday13HisGirlFriday13 member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary 5 Answers
    I agree with PPs that the salon is scamming you left, right, and sideways. That's effing bullshit.

    As far as the bachelorette party -- you're under no obligation to pay for something you didn't have any input in planning.

    If you want to attend, you could tell MOH, 'Since you haven't answered my questions about how much this will cost, please be advised that I can afford to contribute $X to the party.' That way, she knows that you're good for $X, and anything above that is on her/the other BM planning things.

    I have several times been told, 'We've planning a party for Bride and it costs $X per person.' I have almost always declined -- usually because it's too pricey, sometimes because I could afford it but I don't want to -- but mostly because I really hate people spending my money, planning parties, and then presenting me with an invoice. 
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    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
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  • tesgirl123tesgirl123 member
    100 Love Its 100 Comments Name Dropper First Anniversary

    If its Memorial day, they should have some ballpark idea of what they are planning(hotel room prices are posted online).   I am suspicious that they aren't telling you prices.   You are absolutely not obligated to go if you cannot afford it.   Offer to take the bride out to dinner before the wedding and go for manis/pedis by yourselves to show there are no hard feelings.

     

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  • grumbledoregrumbledore member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    kittin92 said:
    Another mini-fiasco we have going on is the boutique where the bride got her gown and our bridesmaid dresses messed up the sizing on ALL dresses but ONE. Five of 6 dresses are messed up.
    I'm not blaming the bride at all, but we now have some other costs coming up.

    - my BM dress is huge on top. You can see my entire bra.
    - 1 BM cannot even begin to zip her dress, and I asked a tailor today who said the dresses we have do not have material to give, so he'll have to add fabric to the back.
    - an adolescent who is size 0 (I'm size 6) was ordered the same size dress as me
    etc.
    We're looking at around $60-70 alterations per dress if we just take the dress in and do not alter length.

    Here's the doozie:
    - Bride's dress was ordered in the size she tried on in the store which was obviously the wrong size to everyone who saw it. Would be no big deal, but they messed up and ordered the wrong size.
    - to "fix" the problem they found the dress in her size up top but it's way too long for her. To fix everything will cost $1000 in alterations. She's starting with a $250 option.

    It's a sad disaster, and the boutique literally said "you ordered that size, not our problem."
    They are the 'experts' who took our measurements and recommended sizes!
    Anyway...
    this poor bride is stressed to the max already. She loves her gown (it's her 2nd one - 1st didn't fit the venue) and said she would actually be willing to pay $1000 to alter the dress.
    You have to be joking.  I would be going BSC on that salon.  No fucking way would I pay for those mistakes.

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  • photokittyphotokitty mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    I had a bridal salon insist I order a size that I did not want to order. WHen it came in the dress FELL OFF of me. They said I would have to pay to have it altered. I made them pull the paperwork where they sized me, they remeasured and I INSISTED they alter it for free. They finally gave in. They were notorious for doing this, but few people were as stubborn as I was.

    I would demand they fix it for free. Or threaten to sue and call BBB.
    :kiss: ~xoxo~ :kiss:

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  • Bubblegum5586Bubblegum5586 member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    A bridal salon tried this with me and wanted me to order a size up. I could see the chart in her hands and told her that according to her chart I was really the smaller size. We argued about it! Of course they use the "it's easier to take it in then let out" which is true, but its even easier to order the correct size and have no alterations! And if I do need alterations I go to my seamstress I always use and never the salon!
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  • cowgirl8238cowgirl8238 member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    photokitty said:
    I had a bridal salon insist I order a size that I did not want to order. WHen it came in the dress FELL OFF of me. They said I would have to pay to have it altered. I made them pull the paperwork where they sized me, they remeasured and I INSISTED they alter it for free. They finally gave in. They were notorious for doing this, but few people were as stubborn as I was.

    I would demand they fix it for free. Or threaten to sue and call BBB.


    THIS!!!! I would be all over that salon!  Also, I would take your dresses to another tailor just to get an estimate and compare it to what they are quoting you.  It sounds like they are just tyring to rip you girls off any wya they can!

    As for your trip, the PP's have covered it.  Request the price and don't commit until you know you can afford it.  If not just tell her that you can't make it, and then you and the bride can do something else down the line!

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  • KittyKaty20KittyKaty20 member
    250 Love Its 100 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper
    tesgirl123 said:

    If its Memorial day, they should have some ballpark idea of what they are planning(hotel room prices are posted online).   I am suspicious that they aren't telling you prices.   You are absolutely not obligated to go if you cannot afford it.   Offer to take the bride out to dinner before the wedding and go for manis/pedis by yourselves to show there are no hard feelings.

     

    For any Lurkers: BM are not obligated to attend/host ANY pre-wedding parties, regardless of expense/commitment.

    The maximum etiquette-approved BM obligation is to purchase a dress selected by the bride/groom, and show up on the wedding day. (Although many brides opt for even more dress flexibility, and I'm in the camp that thinks your closest friends will often have the desire to "fete" you in the manner of their choosing.) 

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  • short+sassyshort+sassy member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers

    Wow!  Love all these bridal salons "accidentally" ordering wrong sizes so brides/bridal party are forced to pay for the dress many times over in alterations.  Just sickening!

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  • kittin92kittin92 member
    First Comment
    Thank you for all of the advice regarding the getaway!

    As for the comments on the boutique, we went to a different tailor who I trust (used him before, family has used him - generally great opinion of him). He told us to "march right up there and raise hell."
    I want to but the bride is still waiting on her veil from there...which is another thing in itself. She ordered the veil and was told it would come with the dress. When she went to pick up her dress, they went to "look for it" and, lo and behold, it was on back order! Yeah...okay...
    We told her to hell with their veil, and we would search for the exact one online or go with her to find another! They don't deserve a dime more of her money!

    I really just wanted to demand refunds on all of the BM dresses, but we're under 2 months away from the wedding and just aren't sure we could get something else. The boutique told us there was "no way" to order these in the correct sizes now as they were "all gone." I told the woman that I could find the exact dress online to which she replied "oh, yes, those are fakes." As if I trust your word!

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  • kittin92kittin92 member
    First Comment
    Not to mention the dresses all came in a month late, but that's really a small problem in comparison.
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  • SP29SP29 member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I'd at least be raising hell to get the salon to take care of the alterations at no extra cost!

    As per the original question, no you are not obligated to attend. I would contact the MOH again and give her a date you need a "quote" by, or else you will have to decline. If the MOH expects all the BMs to chip in, then she should have asked everyone for their budget first. 
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