Need some advice

Re: Need some advice

• RedZee member

  

  January 2010 edited December 2011

  If this is the major demand they're making for the wedding, and the only one, I think you should let them stand there and invite your parents to stand up as well. I don't think your guests will care or even notice who is standing there. And it's not like having parents standing there will be seen as anything negative anyway. If this is something that's important to them (and in Judaism, it's something that's somewhat important), respect them enough to let them have this.
  
  Also, from the language you use in your post (and I could be way off base and I'm not trying to be snarky, just to point it out), it sounds like you're being a little bit demanding and picky about details and not entirely fair. Just like you want them to accept that you are not Jewish and won't change, you have to accept that they ARE Jewish and won't change. Just like your fiance chose to be with someone not Jewish, you chose to be with someone whose family is Jewish. It goes both ways.
  
  FWIF, this will probably not be the only time you'll have to be open to Jewish things. Even people who aren't religious at all often have certain things that they do. And even after long relationships, things somehow change after marriage. (I dated my husband for almost 7 years by the time we got married and I was still in for surprises with his family and didn't believe anyone who told me it would happen.)
  
  GL!

  
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• LBRM_NJ member

  

  January 2010 edited December 2011

  This is one of those really difficult situations when you try to combine different cultural/religious traditions into a wedding.  I understand that it would be odd for his parents to be standing while your parents are sitting.  But, try to look at it from your FMIL's perspective.  From the day she gave birth to her little boy, she has probably imagined walking him down the aisle and standing under the chuppah at his wedding.  And, to have that taken away would be devastating.
  
  I understand that it's small, but, would your parents be open to standing rather than sitting?  Personally, I think having the parents standing there is FAR more important than having the bridal party, but, that's just my opinion.

  Lisa
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• Rachiemoo member

  

  January 2010 edited December 2011

  I think you should let them stand up there if that is what they want.  I don't think it will take away from anything.  It is easy to over analyze these things.  I bet most of your guests won't even notice or think much of it.  If you're worried about people being confused as to why his parents are standing up there, you could put a blurb in your ceremony program explaining the tradition (feel free to ask us for this if you decide to do it!)

  

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• tenofcups4me member

  

  January 2010 edited December 2011

  Have you considered asking your parents to stand too?
  
  I am non-practicing Jewish and my ex-husband was Catholic. I wanted to walk down the aisle with both my parents and I wanted him to as well. I also wanted all the parents standing up with us. He thought it would be really weird and thought his parents wouldn't want to. Finally, he agreed that I could tell them what I wanted and see how they reacted. His mother was THRILLED to walk down the aisle and stand up with us. She thanked me several times that night for including them so much in the wedding.
  
  Point is -- rather than trying to take away the "honor" from his parents, maybe you could include your parents instead.
  
  I'm not at all religious, and had a secular wedding, but the parents being actively involved in a Jewish wedding is very ingrained in me and in the culture. So, yeah, maybe she's being stubborn, but I can understand why -- I imagine she's always assumed she would be part of her son's wedding and is feeling hurt that you're trying to "exclude" her.
  
  And what does your FH say about all this?

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• Danaz1 member

  

  January 2010 edited December 2011

  I agree with everyone it is a small request. I understand how it might annoy you but not sense in making a fuss about it and getting into an agrument.  It think its nice to have everyone up there and make it all about family.  

  

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• steverani

  

  January 2010 edited December 2011

  See...this is exactly why I needed a different point of view on this...you girls brought up some things I hadn't even thought about....I never thought of how she had maybe invisioned her son's wedding and it must break her heart to think it will not be like she had always thought it would be....thank you for the reality check! I will try to be more open minded...during the rehearsal we will try it out and see how it goes with my parents standing....FH really doesn't want anything traditionally Jewish represented...it was his choice and he doesn't want to stomp the glass or anything...he is very shy and the less he has to do the better is the way he sees it...thanks again for all the help!

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