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Snarky Brides

BM Drama

One of my bridesmaids is, for a lack of a better term, a drama queen.   She's normally sweet, but if she feels she's not getting enough attention, she starts to create drama, or something to draw attention to herself.   Normally I can handle it and am ok with it, but I might be at my whits end right now.

She got married a few years ago and I was a BM in her wedding (yay, great!).  She wanted EVERYTHING and never asked us budgets or anything.  My BM dress without alterations was somewhere around $250 and then add a hotel, her bridal shower, and her bachelorette on top of it, I spent approximately $1200.  It wasn't cheap, I wasn't exactly happy with spending all that money, but she seemed happy, so I did.   Her marriage lasted 3 months.  When I asked her why she got married if she 'knew it wasn't going to work from the moment he proposed' she said, 'I wanted the wedding.'   Needless to say I was astounded, but she appeared hurt that it didn't work, needed a shoulder, etc, so I let it go.

Fast forward and now I'm getting married.   I asked all of my girls (privately) their budgets for dresses.   All said under $200.  That's fine. I picked a dress for $99, they didn't like it but all agreed on a dress for $150, ok, fine works for me as long as they're happy (and the dress is really pretty).   This BM wanted to plan my bachelorette party and made it quite known she did.  She asked what I would like to do and then began planning it.   Great.  Problem?  She keeps telling ME how much it costs, the expenses, how she'll need everyone to pay this much, what if they don't pay this much, etc, etc.  I tried to bean-dip her enough and tell her to ask the other BMs about helping and their thoughts - because, really, I don't want to know!   I mean, I'm not supposed to know right?   If its not affordable, plan something else, I don't care, I don't need a bachelorette party, but please stop telling me what it's costing you and everyone else, because it's making me feel really horrible. (For info - I thought a dinner with my friends out and then dancing for the party would be fun).

Now she's casually informed me that her dress came in - great!, but that she'll pick it up when she can afford to.   I just. Errrg!  I asked budgets, I kept everything under the budget.  I've not requested any special things like shoes, jewelry, hair, makeup - whatever.   I know she's not rolling in dough, but at the same time, you've known this was happening for over a year and in that time you've gone on multiple vacations (many expensive ones) that I could never afford and bought many expensive clothes and had parties with your BF.  Yes, she gets to spend her money how she wants to and I'm totally in understanding of it, but why, when it comes to my wedding/wedding events do I have to hear about how much everything is costing her?  I don't think I ever broke down to any of the friends who's weddings I had been in how much each of their weddings cost me, I just think it's super tacky and rude, and well, hearing it from her - it just makes my blood boil. 

Sorry I just had to rant.

Re: BM Drama

  • @HisGirlFriday13 ; We're related and grew up together.  She's normally ok - as long as there's mutual focus/attention or she feels like more attention is on her.   I'm a pretty low-key person and don't typically mind it because I'm used to it and it's not usually THIS bad and not solely directed at/affecting me.

    Plus I can normally side-eye it and just chalk it up to 'Oh it's just BM.'   But with her talking about money and such that all the guests of the BM would have to 'spend' it made ME feel horrible.  I mentioned it to another BM who was chatting about it, asking if the cost was too much for her or the other guests....she went through the roof that I even KNEW what the costs were and I guess has since taken over the bachelorette party.   But now that she doesn't have the cost of the party to complain about, it's about the dress.  And it jumped from one to the other in a day.  OY!


  • Being related is an accident of DNA. Growing up together is an accident of geography.

    You say: 
    She's normally ok - as long as there's mutual focus/attention or she feels like more attention is on her.   I'm a pretty low-key person and don't typically mind it because I'm used to it and it's not usually THIS bad and not solely directed at/affecting me. 

    Plus I can normally side-eye it and just chalk it up to 'Oh it's just BM.'   

    Which the rest of us hear as, 'I've been emotionally indoctrinated to enable her selfish, self-centred behaviour, and I've been forced to push my feelings aside so hers don't get her. Plus, it's 'just how she is' and no one has ever thought to make her correct her behaviour.

    Regardless, I'm sorry you're going through this.
    Anniversary

    image
    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
    zitiqueenraeah219luckystarzthemuffinman16
  • larrygagalarrygaga Czechoslovakia member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    Friday is right. You either need to tell her how you feel or just deal with the consequences. Nobody can read your mind and nobody will know what you want if you don't stand up and take it.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
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  • thisismynickname2thisismynickname2 City By The Lake member
    5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    Bummer!!

    A) "The bachelorette is up to you guys; please don't discuss costs with me. What you choose to spend is what you choose to spend; I can't thank you enough for hosting but really, I'm happy with whatever you decide."
    B) "Just as long as you get the dress in time for the wedding. If you don't show up in the right dress, you're the one who will look like the odd-woman out. I'm totally ok if you do that, but that's on you, ok?"  

    People are just so weird. I was a BM along with another girl who is pushy and manipulative under the guise of "but we just care about our best friend so much and she deserves something nice!"  She was trying to push the group into hosting a shower no one could afford, and we shut her down and went with her mom's low-cost ideas instead; and we also hosted a really fun bachelorette party. Well after the fact, the bride said, "The bachelorette was awesome, but I felt bad about it- it must have been really expensive."  I said, "Pffft, bachelorettes are always so fun, believe me we hosted what we could afford- don't worry a lick about it!"  
    Point is, the pushy BM wanted to overspend and the bride didn't want it.  Stupid, stupid drama.  Sounds like your friend is just like my (ex!)-friend. 
    Shutting her down and ignoring the bullcrap is really all you can do with people like that. 
    ________________________________


  • LakeR2014 said:
    One of my bridesmaids is, for a lack of a better term, a drama queen.   She's normally sweet, but if she feels she's not getting enough attention, she starts to create drama, or something to draw attention to herself.   Normally I can handle it and am ok with it, but I might be at my whits end right now.

    She got married a few years ago and I was a BM in her wedding (yay, great!).  She wanted EVERYTHING and never asked us budgets or anything.  My BM dress without alterations was somewhere around $250 and then add a hotel, her bridal shower, and her bachelorette on top of it, I spent approximately $1200.  It wasn't cheap, I wasn't exactly happy with spending all that money, but she seemed happy, so I did.   Her marriage lasted 3 months.  When I asked her why she got married if she 'knew it wasn't going to work from the moment he proposed' she said, 'I wanted the wedding.'   Needless to say I was astounded, but she appeared hurt that it didn't work, needed a shoulder, etc, so I let it go.

    Fast forward and now I'm getting married.   I asked all of my girls (privately) their budgets for dresses.   All said under $200.  That's fine. I picked a dress for $99, they didn't like it but all agreed on a dress for $150, ok, fine works for me as long as they're happy (and the dress is really pretty).   This BM wanted to plan my bachelorette party and made it quite known she did.  She asked what I would like to do and then began planning it.   Great.  Problem?  She keeps telling ME how much it costs, the expenses, how she'll need everyone to pay this much, what if they don't pay this much, etc, etc.  I tried to bean-dip her enough and tell her to ask the other BMs about helping and their thoughts - because, really, I don't want to know!   I mean, I'm not supposed to know right?   If its not affordable, plan something else, I don't care, I don't need a bachelorette party, but please stop telling me what it's costing you and everyone else, because it's making me feel really horrible. (For info - I thought a dinner with my friends out and then dancing for the party would be fun).

    Now she's casually informed me that her dress came in - great!, but that she'll pick it up when she can afford to.   I just. Errrg!  I asked budgets, I kept everything under the budget.  I've not requested any special things like shoes, jewelry, hair, makeup - whatever.   I know she's not rolling in dough, but at the same time, you've known this was happening for over a year and in that time you've gone on multiple vacations (many expensive ones) that I could never afford and bought many expensive clothes and had parties with your BF.  Yes, she gets to spend her money how she wants to and I'm totally in understanding of it, but why, when it comes to my wedding/wedding events do I have to hear about how much everything is costing her?  I don't think I ever broke down to any of the friends who's weddings I had been in how much each of their weddings cost me, I just think it's super tacky and rude, and well, hearing it from her - it just makes my blood boil. 

    Sorry I just had to rant.

    The bolded part is kind of where I stopped reading. You knew what you were signing up for when you asked her.

    HisGirlFriday13PrettyGirlLost
  • LakeR2014 said:
    One of my bridesmaids is, for a lack of a better term, a drama queen.   She's normally sweet, but if she feels she's not getting enough attention, she starts to create drama, or something to draw attention to herself.   Normally I can handle it and am ok with it, but I might be at my whits end right now.

    She got married a few years ago and I was a BM in her wedding (yay, great!).  She wanted EVERYTHING and never asked us budgets or anything.  My BM dress without alterations was somewhere around $250 and then add a hotel, her bridal shower, and her bachelorette on top of it, I spent approximately $1200.  It wasn't cheap, I wasn't exactly happy with spending all that money, but she seemed happy, so I did.   Her marriage lasted 3 months.  When I asked her why she got married if she 'knew it wasn't going to work from the moment he proposed' she said, 'I wanted the wedding.'   Needless to say I was astounded, but she appeared hurt that it didn't work, needed a shoulder, etc, so I let it go.

    Fast forward and now I'm getting married.   I asked all of my girls (privately) their budgets for dresses.   All said under $200.  That's fine. I picked a dress for $99, they didn't like it but all agreed on a dress for $150, ok, fine works for me as long as they're happy (and the dress is really pretty).   This BM wanted to plan my bachelorette party and made it quite known she did.  She asked what I would like to do and then began planning it.   Great.  Problem?  She keeps telling ME how much it costs, the expenses, how she'll need everyone to pay this much, what if they don't pay this much, etc, etc.  I tried to bean-dip her enough and tell her to ask the other BMs about helping and their thoughts - because, really, I don't want to know!   I mean, I'm not supposed to know right?   If its not affordable, plan something else, I don't care, I don't need a bachelorette party, but please stop telling me what it's costing you and everyone else, because it's making me feel really horrible. (For info - I thought a dinner with my friends out and then dancing for the party would be fun).

    Now she's casually informed me that her dress came in - great!, but that she'll pick it up when she can afford to.   I just. Errrg!  I asked budgets, I kept everything under the budget.  I've not requested any special things like shoes, jewelry, hair, makeup - whatever.   I know she's not rolling in dough, but at the same time, you've known this was happening for over a year and in that time you've gone on multiple vacations (many expensive ones) that I could never afford and bought many expensive clothes and had parties with your BF.  Yes, she gets to spend her money how she wants to and I'm totally in understanding of it, but why, when it comes to my wedding/wedding events do I have to hear about how much everything is costing her?  I don't think I ever broke down to any of the friends who's weddings I had been in how much each of their weddings cost me, I just think it's super tacky and rude, and well, hearing it from her - it just makes my blood boil. 

    Sorry I just had to rant.
    I am on board with other PP's. You kindly tell her that parties for you are not required, and that if she chooses to throw you one, great! But she needs to keep you out of it and talk it over with the other ladies.

    As far as her attitude goes, you might try a one on one convo. with her. Maybe she is still going through some stuff, and having a hard time getting through it. IDK but something to think about.

    I agree it's really no excuse for her attitude/the way she is acting, but you never really know what might be causing it. There could be a deeper issue at hand here... Best of luck OP! Hope it all works itself out.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker


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  • dolewhipperdolewhipper [wh]orlando member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary First Answer
    If she wants all the attention on her I'm scared what will go down on the day of your wedding-the day YOU will get all the attention from all of your guests. Sticky situation. I agree with HGF.


    imageimage



  • climbingwifeclimbingwife NYC 'burbs member
    10000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Depending on whether you want to be friends with her after your wedding, I would say, 'Yes, I remember how expensive being a BM can be. I dropped $1,200 on your wedding. That's why I tried to manage costs for you by asking your budget for a dress, not requiring specific shoes, and suggesting low-cost bachelorette party ideas.'

    It's passive-aggressive and snarky, but it might shame her into STFU. Or it might not. 

    I have to ask -- based on your post -- why are you friends with her? 
    I totally agree with this. 

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