Very Bad MOH

edenscott · March 2014

I am having issues with my maid of honor besides just personal issues. When I first got engaged and told my sister, she automatically said she was MOH. And didn't give me a chance to answer and I thought this was fine because we had always said that we would be each others MOH. She could not afford to buy her bridesmaid dress and would argue with me about ordering it because she could no longer afford it because she lost her job after the we went shopping for it. She was unable to go shopping because she moved and then lost her job after she transfered. The dress shop would not order it until all the bridesmaids placed their orders. It was supposed to be ordered no later than early Dec. to avoid rush fees and it ended up being January. So I paid the rush fees for all the dresses and the shipping charges for them since our dad decided to buy her dress. She moved in my house with me and my fiance' and its also been hell on that part too. One of my friends, who is not a bridesmaid, and another bridesmaid offered to throw my bachelorette party and she could handle my bridal shower, but she has been doing nothing but complaining. She texted me after buying a few decorations and said "she hated me right now" because of it. Now my shower is this weekend and she has done nothing else but complain about it and do nothing for it. Also she plans on getting another person to watch her kids at my reception so she can get wasted even when I asked her not to. This weekend my fiance and I were planning on having a date night to not think about wedding stuff and the stress Saturday and then finishing up wedding-to-dos on Sunday, but she ruined that by volunteering my fiance to help her move and me to babysit her kids. I am afraid now that she is going to try to ruin something. What should I do? I know the other issues that I have not mentioned in this because it has nothing to do with my wedding is somewhat impacting my anger towards her, but I have no idea what I should do. Help please!

STARMOON44 · March 2014

You should grow up. If she "volunteers" you guys for her chores, you say no. You tell her she has until the end of the month to move out. You be glad she has arranged a sitter for the reception and think nothing more of her drinking because you'll be instructing your bar tenders to make sure she isn't over served. You stop thinking about the dress because the problem has been solved and you should have asked for her budget first anyway.

kmmssg · March 2014

Besides the whole host of issues in your post, do you NOT know how to tell her NO? She can't make you babysit, she can't make your FI help her move, you let her hold the BM dress order hostage, you let her demand to be MOH, you let her move in with you, etc. WHY have you just rolled over on everything and been a doormat?

Does she act this way because your family bows to her demands? She can't get away with this stuff unless you let her and so far you have done nothing.

Have your date night, tell her you aren't babysitting, tell her FI isn't helping her move and start growing a backbone with her. You guys have CHOSEN to let her walk all over you. It won't stop until you make it stop.

As far as gettting trashed at your wedding, tell the bartender to cut her off before she gets smashed.

KatWAG · March 2014

edenscott said:

I am having issues with my maid of honor besides just personal issues. When I first got engaged and told my sister, she automatically said she was MOH. And didn't give me a chance to answer. Since then it has been hell. She could not afford to buy her bridesmaid dress and would argue with me about ordering it. The dress shop would not order it until all the bridesmaids placed their orders. It was supposed to be ordered no later than early Dec. to avoid rush fees and it ended up being January. So I paid the rush fees for all the dresses and the shipping charges for them since our dad decided to buy her dress. She moved in my house with me and my fiance' and its also been hell on that part too. One of my friends, who is not a bridesmaid, and another bridesmaid offered to throw my bachelorette party and she could handle my bridal shower, but she has been doing nothing but complaining. She texted me after buying a few decorations and said "she hated me right now" because of it. Now my shower is this weekend and she has done nothing else but complain about it and do nothing for it. Also she plans on getting another person to watch her kids at my reception so she can get wasted even when I asked her not to. This weekend my fiance and I were planning on having a date night to not think about wedding stuff and the stress Saturday and then finishing up wedding-to-dos on Sunday, but she ruined that by volunteering my fiance to help her move and me to babysit her kids. I am afraid now that she is going to try to ruin something. What should I do? I know the other issues that I have not mentioned in this because it has nothing to do with my wedding is somewhat impacting my anger towards her, but I have no idea what I should do. Help please!

NO is not a four letter word. It is your known fault that you let her tell you she is the MOH, and that she moved in. If you didnt want that, then say something.

Did you ask her what her budget was before picking a dress? Is the dress you picked within the number shae told you she could afford? If not, then you are in the wrong again.

As for your sister getting drunk at the wedding, so what. If she does something stupid, she will look bad, not you.

edenscott · March 2014

When she said she was MOH at the time of my engagement, we had a great relationship and she had a job at the time. By the time dress shopping came around she moved away and quit her job. Before the dress price never came up and the only thing she requested was to have straps on the dress.

KatWAG · March 2014

edenscott said:

When she said she was MOH at the time of my engagement, we had a great relationship and she had a job at the time. By the time dress shopping came around she moved away and quit her job. Before the dress price never came up and the only thing she requested was to have straps on the dress.

Did you ask her what her budget was for a dress? If by the time you went dress shopping, you knew she didnt have income, it would seem reasonable that you would want to know what she could afford.

and if she really hasnt done anything for your shower, then how are you having one? She must have found a venue and sent out invites.

edenscott · March 2014

She hadn't quit her job until about 2 weeks after I went shopping with the other two bridesmaids. She has gotten a job transfer and said she would call in her measurements. And there was no issue with a budget at the time of shopping. Sorry for not being clear in my previous post.

As for the bridal shower, I found the venue which was free so it did not cost her for it, we decided to do a potluck which would not cost her anything besides her dish, and I homemade the invites a week and a half before the shower because she didn't.

I do not want to hurt her feelings because we are both sensitive, but should I even talk to her and ask her if everything is okay?

edenscott · March 2014

Saying no was not the problem. As I said in my previous reply: "When she said she was MOH at the time of my engagement, we had a great relationship". We are sisters and we had always talked about being each others MOH. I just didn't know she would act like this. I didn't know then that our relationship would change this much in a year.

KatWAG · March 2014

edenscott said:

She hadn't quit her job until about 2 weeks after I went shopping with the other two bridesmaids. She has gotten a job transfer and said she would call in her measurements. And there was no issue with a budget at the time of shopping. Sorry for not being clear in my previous post.

As for the bridal shower, I found the venue which was free so it did not cost her for it, we decided to do a potluck which would not cost her anything besides her dish, and I homemade the invites a week and a half before the shower because she didn't.

I do not want to hurt her feelings because we are both sensitive, but should I even talk to her and ask her if everything is okay?

So no. You didnt ask for her budget. How do you know there wasn't an issue with her budget? Do you know the ins and outs of her finances?

A potluck is horribly rude. People were invited to a event and are most likely bringing gifts. And now they are expected to bring food as well? Really? I would talk to your sister ASAP and figure out a way to host the shower properly.

She is your sister. You might want to ask how she is doing with being unemployed. Or how things, in general, are going for her. But dont bring up your wedding. It would have no place in this conversation.

From your comments is sounds like you keep letting things happen to you, yet you do nothing to stop then. And then you complain about them. It might be time to take charge of your own life.

KatWAG · March 2014

@edenscott. you are quoted. So even if you delete your posts, everyone can still read your posts.

edenscott · March 2014

I know I am trying to edit it because I wasn't very clear.

When we went shopping for bridesmaid dresses, there was no budget, it was quote from her "whatever I wanted". She had a job at this time. I let the girls pick out the dress and they had to agree on the color and style. She just requested no strapless. Two of the girls picked a strapless but for her, I told her they can add straps and she said ok. Since she was out of town at the time, she wasn't able to go but she said she would call them with her measurements and place the order.

Currently now, she is employed thats why I try to help her out. I do understand that a potluck is currently not the way to go and will take on the task myself.

Maggie0829 · March 2014

So much wrong with all these posts by OP.

First, OP, stay the hell out of your bridal shower planning. Seriously.

Second, I understand that money wasn't an issue at first for your MOH but now it is so you need to make the necessary changes.

Third, stop being a fucking doormat. Say no when your sister volunteers you or your FI for something if you don't want to do it.

Finally, who the hell cares if your sister is going to ask someone to keep an eye on her kids for her so she can get wasted at your wedding. She is not asking you to do it so really it is none of your business.

MadHops21 · March 2014

@KatWAG I like you and your ability to sense potential DD.

edenscott · March 2014

Since everyone is basically saying I am being a door mat, fine I will stick up for myself. @MadHops21 this was not a DD because you can see it was edited. This was edited because apparently I was not clear in my beginning post and had to correct myself more than once. I know you can not delete a post. @Maggie0829 this is a case of damned if you do or damned if you don't. KatWAG said to talk to my sister about the shower and the fact it is a potluck and you say to stay out. If she is having problems affording something, shouldn't I make the necessary changes to help her like you said? That's all I am trying to do. And about the getting drunk thing: once again trying to help to avoid a drunken embarrassment. I do not mind her getting a babysitter. Of course I want her to have fun. But she is doing it for the wrong reasons. And unfortunately we do not have a bartender to stop her.

Maggie0829 · March 2014

edenscott said:

Since everyone is basically saying I am being a door mat, fine I will stick up for myself. @MadHops21 this was not a DD because you can see it was edited. This was edited because apparently I was not clear in my beginning post and had to correct myself more than once. I know you can not delete a post. @Maggie0829 this is a case of damned if you do or damned if you don't. KatWAG said to talk to my sister about the shower and the fact it is a potluck and you say to stay out. If she is having problems affording something, shouldn't I make the necessary changes to help her like you said? That's all I am trying to do. And about the getting drunk thing: once again trying to help to avoid a drunken embarrassment. I do not mind her getting a babysitter. Of course I want her to have fun. But she is doing it for the wrong reasons. And unfortunately we do not have a bartender to stop her.

But it is not your job to try and prevent her embarrassment.

I would also caution you to hire a bartender. They will help to monitor your crowd and cut off anyone who may have had too much. Also, for liability reasons it is best to have a bartender.

KatWAG · March 2014

OP, you are right Maggie and I did give slightly different advice. Normally, I would completely agree with her. But I am going a bit against party lines here. I think its better to help out financiallly at your shower to avoid your guests to bring food to a gift giving occassion.

CierraMcFadden10 · March 2014

I don't understand why everyone is being so rude in their comments. She asking for advice, not to be harassed by other women who think she is being ridiculous. This is obviously a problem for her, and you don't know every detail surrounding the situation.

Yes, I think saying no more often would really help a lot of your problems with your sister. Also, you mentioned that she quit her job not too long after she volunteered to be MOH. If she was having problems at work, she should have evaluated her situation before assigning herself the position of MOH. She might not have realized the costs that come along with it. Maybe some other bridesmaids could help share the costs? I had to figure a way around that for my own wedding party actually. I would try not to worry about the dress situation or anything that is already over with, what has happened is done and over with. Let your sister know what is important to you on the big day, and she should respect your wishes. You could be interpreting what she is doing as an attack on you, but she might just be struggling with having lost a job and move in with her sister. Just step back from it all, and take that time to get away and remove yourself from the wedding drama, even if just for a short time. Don't stress about the tiny stuff, enjoy this time while it lasts.

ksurane18 · March 2014

I am having issues with my MOH also...and I agree people are rude with their comments...stay strong...and do not listen to some of these people...they are just as ignorant also.

AddieCake · March 2014

FFS, nobody is being rude.

hikebikebemerry · March 2014

I think it's rude to disregard PPs advice because it's not what you wanted to hear.

And heck, @KatWAG is even saying that it's better to make an exception where people are hosted properly, even if it is against etiquette to host a party in honor of yourself.

zitiqueen · March 2014

ksurane18 said:

I am having issues with my MOH also...and I agree people are rude with their comments...stay strong...and do not listen to some of these people...they are just as ignorant also.

You should look up the definition of this word before you use it again. I think you'll be surprised at what you discover.

antoto · March 2014

It seems like you don't care about your sister's finances unless it effects your wedding. The bridesmaids dresses are already ordered, so that ship has sailed, but for any other newbies, you need to get a hard budget from your bridesmaids and then try to come in BELOW that (so they can pay for alterations, tax, etc).

It doesn't sound like anything she is doing is out of spite for you or that she is trying to "ruin" anything (not that she could if she tried.) My advice is to totally back off of the shower. Showers are not mandatory and you are lucky to be having one at all. Let it be something to do with the wedding that you DON'T have to stress out about. As for her drinking - all of my friends got pleasantly drunk at my wedding and it was loads of fun because they danced until the room was shut down for the night. It was awesome! Her level of party mode is not something for you to be concerned about. The only people that can truly ruin a wedding is the bride or the groom. If the two of you are all set then your wedding will be beautiful.

Kauris · March 2014

@CierraMcFadden10, you with the honeymoon fund to Sandals in St. Lucia.... Please don't give out advice on how to properly treat people, when clearly you don't know yourself. Plus you are giving Texans a bad name.

Oh and you might want to change your screen name.

CierraMcFadden10 · March 2014

@kasmith1, so because I have a nice honeymoon planned that means I don't know how to be sincere and nice to people? What do you even know? Your response was rude and pointless.

JCbride2015 · March 2014

CierraMcFadden10 said:

@kasmith1, so because I have a nice honeymoon planned because you expect your loved ones to fund your honeymoon that means I don't know how to be sincere and nice to people? Yes it does. What do you even know? Your response was rude and pointless.

Kauris · March 2014

My post was not rude or pointless, in fact I let you know that you should probably change your screen name so no one can find out personal details of your wedding/life. That is a pretty helpful point.

And yes, because you are asking your friends and family to fund your completely optional honeymoon, it does indicate you do not treat people well, it is rude to solicit funds from your wedding guests. So in that I did you a favor as well. You're welcome!

MobKaz · March 2014

ksurane18 said:

I am having issues with my MOH also...and I agree people are rude with their comments...stay strong...and do not listen to some of these people...they are just as ignorant also.

.....says the girl who kicked her own twin sister out of her wedding party.......

ksurane18 · March 2014

not understanding why everyone has to be so nasty to everyone on here...we are all adults...maybe everyone...myself included should start acting like one

abbyj700 · March 2014

Alright - here's the deal.

Take a step back. Your sister has children and lost her job. Of course buying dresses and planning a shower is not her first priority. I get that it was before she lost her job - but things change. Please be a good sister and talk to her about her stressers, her life and something other than your wedding.

Also - it's too late now, but you shouldn't have been involved in your shower. If she didn't have a place and invites - there was no shower, and you should have left it this way. Her saying she was going to do it and then not following through sucks but again, her circumstances changed. Hosting your own shower makes you look gift grabby.

And OMG a bridesmaid hired a sitter for her kid and is going to get drunk? That's all kinds of craziness. Almost every friend we have with kids will have a sitter and too many cocktails at our wedding. I'm not seeing the issue with this.

Edited because words are hard.

Very Bad MOH

Re: Very Bad MOH

Choose Another Board

Search Boards