Wedding Reception Forum

Loss of Groom's Mom

My future mother in law recently lost her very brave battle with breast cancer.  My fiance and I want to do something special at the church in her honor.  I already plan on having a special candle lit for her in the church as well as having a framed picture of her sitting in the front pew, but I want to do something more.  I need suggestions!  Also, I have always thought about how sweet it will be to dance with my dad, but what happens now when it is my fiance's turn to dance with his mom?  I need advice for that as well.  Lastly, what can I do when the parents are announced so that his dad does not feel alone?

Thanks for any advice!

Re: Loss of Groom's Mom

  • LauraS01 said:
    My future mother in law recently lost her very brave battle with breast cancer.  My fiance and I want to do something special at the church in her honor.  I already plan on having a special candle lit for her in the church as well as having a framed picture of her sitting in the front pew, but I want to do something more.  I need suggestions!  Also, I have always thought about how sweet it will be to dance with my dad, but what happens now when it is my fiance's turn to dance with his mom?  I need advice for that as well.  Lastly, what can I do when the parents are announced so that his dad does not feel alone?

    Thanks for any advice!
    Sorry for your loss!  I think a special candle lit in the church is lovely, so long as it isn't a part of the actual ceremony.  I think the picture on the chair is rather morbid.  How does your FI and his family feel about that?  If I saw that, I would immediately feel sad.  Close family members may be brought to tears.  You don't want that on your wedding day.

    Your wedding is a celebratory occasion, not a memorial for the deceased.  You can mention her in the program, but other remembrances are best done in private.  

    Do your father/daughter dance and then open up the dance floor.  Have your FI's father introduced by himself.  Or, rather than everyone walking in, you can have them announced from their table.  There is no reason to make things awkward.    
  • Honestly, the only time I have seen a groom dance with his mother is if they do it at the same time the bride is dancing with her father.  Whereas, I have seen plenty of father/daughter dances while the groom does not dance with his mother (who is in attendance at the wedding).  
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • Please reconsider some of the more overt demonstrations of memorializing your FMIL.  

    Especially if the loss is recent, your guests will all be grieving differently.  To have a guest caught unaware of some of these gestures could make them incredibly uncomfortable and hit them square in the face with their grief.  

    Lighting a candle in her memory is a subtle and lovely idea.  A picture of her where she would have sat is maudlin and serves no purpose other than to evoke great sadness.  This is not the tone you want to set for your wedding.  Would you expect your FIL to sit next to that photograph?  That seems downright cruel.

    You can mention your FMIL in your program.  You can offer prayers for all those "not present" during your ceremony.  Your can pay homage to her by incorporating her favorite flower or color into your bouquet or reception decor.  Your FI can carry a charm of his mom in his suit pocket.  He can perhaps incorporate something of hers into his boutonniere  You can add one of her favorite foods or beverage to your food selections.  You and FI can dance to one of her favorite (preferably upbeat) songs at the reception.

    Please keep the memory subtle.
  • JoanE2012 said:
    LauraS01 said:
    My future mother in law recently lost her very brave battle with breast cancer.  My fiance and I want to do something special at the church in her honor.  I already plan on having a special candle lit for her in the church as well as having a framed picture of her sitting in the front pew, but I want to do something more.  I need suggestions!  Also, I have always thought about how sweet it will be to dance with my dad, but what happens now when it is my fiance's turn to dance with his mom?  I need advice for that as well.  Lastly, what can I do when the parents are announced so that his dad does not feel alone?

    Thanks for any advice!
    Sorry for your loss!  I think a special candle lit in the church is lovely, so long as it isn't a part of the actual ceremony.  I think the picture on the chair is rather morbid.  How does your FI and his family feel about that?  If I saw that, I would immediately feel sad.  Close family members may be brought to tears.  You don't want that on your wedding day.

    Your wedding is a celebratory occasion, not a memorial for the deceased.  You can mention her in the program, but other remembrances are best done in private.  

    Do your father/daughter dance and then open up the dance floor.  Have your FI's father introduced by himself.  Or, rather than everyone walking in, you can have them announced from their table.  There is no reason to make things awkward.    
    Or you can simply introduce the wedding party and not include parents.  Parents were not introduced at either of my children's weddings.  If you absolutely think you must, does he have other children he can walk in with?
  • Thank you for the advice.  I saw the photo idea on pinterest and I thought it seemed like a beautiful idea but I never thought about how seeing a photo of her in the church may hurt his dad.

    I would like to put something special in the program for her, as well as for my grandfather as I know they will both be there in spirit.

    Perhaps I'm most concerned about the reception.  My fiance really wanted his dance with his mom and we were planning on having that right after my dance with my dad.  I just am trying to figure out what to do at that time as I don't want my fiance to feel left out at that point in the reception.
  • LauraS01 said:
    Thank you for the advice.  I saw the photo idea on pinterest and I thought it seemed like a beautiful idea but I never thought about how seeing a photo of her in the church may hurt his dad.

    I would like to put something special in the program for her, as well as for my grandfather as I know they will both be there in spirit.

    Perhaps I'm most concerned about the reception.  My fiance really wanted his dance with his mom and we were planning on having that right after my dance with my dad.  I just am trying to figure out what to do at that time as I don't want my fiance to feel left out at that point in the reception.
    What if you and your dad began the solo dances, and your father/daughter dance was followed by your first dance with your husband.  It would "follow" suit from the ceremony of the father walking his daughter to her groom.
  • I hate to say this... but if it's too raw for your FI, maybe skip parent dances alltogether and share one during the regular dance portion with your dad? My MIL is disabled and some days can barely get up, let alone walk or dance, so we selected a joint dance song, with plans to do or not depending upon how well she was doing that day. Since it felt wrong to do one dance and not the other, given how close DH and MIL are, we talked to my dad in advance about it and he was very understanding. 
  • LauraS01 said:
    Thank you for the advice.  I saw the photo idea on pinterest and I thought it seemed like a beautiful idea but I never thought about how seeing a photo of her in the church may hurt his dad.

    I would like to put something special in the program for her, as well as for my grandfather as I know they will both be there in spirit.

    Perhaps I'm most concerned about the reception.  My fiance really wanted his dance with his mom and we were planning on having that right after my dance with my dad.  I just am trying to figure out what to do at that time as I don't want my fiance to feel left out at that point in the reception.
    Maybe you should just skip the parent dances altogether if it's going to make your FI unhappy that he can't do a mother-son dance.  You can still dance with your father, but it just wouldn't be a spotlight dance.

    As for memorial gestures, I'm always a supporter of keeping them subtle. @mobkaz listed many of the same ideas I often suggest for people who want to remember absent loved ones at their weddings.  And Pinterest has a tendency to be a source of ideas that don't go over well at TheKnot.
  • I agree with other posters.  Keep your memorials private.  I had my grandmother place a flower from my bouquet privately on my Dad's grave.
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  • I lost my mother, so we are going to have a candle there. I don't want to pretend that there isn't a hole in my heart without her there, but I also don't want the focus to be a sad one. So along with the candle, our officiant is going to say: 

    Thomas Moore once said," In the life of the family, past and future meet. " Therefore, at this time we remember xxxxxxxx, mother of the bride,  xxxxxx, and xxxxxxx, grandparents of the groom, who have passed on. Though they cannot be with us physically, we acknowledge that they are here in spirit sharing in our joy. The light of their memory can never be extinguished in the hearts of those who loved them.
  • I recently lost my grandmother and I will also be placing a candle for her and for other family members who can only be there in spirit.  Otherwise I am personally not planning on anything else, but that does not mean you can't incorporate other things.  Maybe there is a favorite hymn or song that can be played at some point or there may be a symbol that can be placed as a charm for either yourself or your fiance.  Even if nobody else knows about that charm, you still are carrying her memory with you. 
    If you still insist on having a parent/child dance, then perhaps there is someone special who can dance with him.  I have heard of people doing this, though if it is too painful, it may be better to skip it altogether. 
  • My Fiances Mother is deceased also, I asked her sister's (my fiances aunts) to dance with him to one of her favorite songs in her place...
  • LauraS01 said:
    Thank you for the advice.  I saw the photo idea on pinterest and I thought it seemed like a beautiful idea but I never thought about how seeing a photo of her in the church may hurt his dad.

    I would like to put something special in the program for her, as well as for my grandfather as I know they will both be there in spirit.

    Perhaps I'm most concerned about the reception.  My fiance really wanted his dance with his mom and we were planning on having that right after my dance with my dad.  I just am trying to figure out what to do at that time as I don't want my fiance to feel left out at that point in the reception.

    Does he have a sister, grandmother, favorite aunt or some other woman who is meaningful to him that he could dance with in her place?  Maybe dance to one of moms favorite songs to make it more of a connection to her?  I've seen where bride had lost father and danced with brother instead.

    image 

  • RachellRF said:
    My Fiances Mother is deceased also, I asked her sister's (my fiances aunts) to dance with him to one of her favorite songs in her place...
    Why did you ask?  Does he know about this and want to do this?
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