FSIL Problems

Re: FSIL Problems

• Jen4948 member

  

  March 2014

  If you never actually asked her, I don't think you actually have to go ahead and do so.  And if you get asked about it, I'd be straight with her: "I prefer my attendants to be people who are supportive of my marriage to FI, and during your visit you made clear that you are not such a person."  Don't go into all the things she did during her visit that upset you.
  
  But if you actually asked her to be your bridesmaid, you may be stuck.  It is considered extremely rude to ask a bridesmaid to step down unless she slept with the groom, threatened you with or engaged you in violence, or something really extreme, and running off at the mouth and making a mess doesn't qualify as extreme enough to get you off the etiquette hook if you do this.  It would also really fuel the existing fire between you and her and make it impossible for you to have a good relationship with her.  That may already be the case, but to ask her to step down would seal it.
  

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• MairePoppy mod

  

  March 2014

  Did you have any discussions with her about her being a bm?

                     

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• BerniceandAlex member

  

  March 2014 edited March 2014

  No, I never actually asked her.  We haven't set anything in stone yet for our attendants because we haven't even set a date yet.  We're more than 12 months out, so we haven't started planning in earnest yet.  I have a plan to send flowers or some kind of small gift to our WP and a card asking them to stand up in support of our wedding and we don't want to do so until we have a date.

  
  

  I believe that my FMIL has mentioned something about it because FI said something about her being in the wedding to FMIL.  But FSIL and I haven't directly discussed it at all.
  

  
  

  She did, however, tell me that her son would be our ring bearer (I don't even know if we're going to have a ring bearer!!), I didn't know how to respond, so I said nothing.  I'm not sure how to broach that topic either.

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• Jen4948 member

  

  March 2014

  I'd have your FI tell her, if you're not going to have her son in your wedding, that that is the case.  Don't do it yourself.  And if you're not going to have her as a bridesmaid, don't ask her.  If your FI wants her in the wedding, she can be a groomsmaid.  There is no requirement that sisters of grooms be bridesmaids-especially when they're rude to the bride and unsupportive of the marriage.
  

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• HisGirlFriday13 member

  

  March 2014

  BerniceandAlex said:

  My FI has only one sibling and he and I had an understanding that because his sister was the only sibling either of us had, it would be nice to have her in the wedding party.  I agreed that she could be a bridesmaid and both our moms knew about this.  I never officially asked her, but I guess word got down through the grapevine because she did end up finding out about it.  Which wouldn't have been a problem, but now we're rethinking that decision.

  
  

  She came to stay with me this weekend, and it was the first time I'd ever met her (my FI's family all lives in the Midwest).  It was a horrific weekend.  I went out of my way to be really accommodating to her, to make her feel comfortable, and to do things that she wanted to do.  She ended up deciding to bring her 2yo son with her, despite not really asking for my permission (I live in a 700sq foot apartment at the moment and its not really equipped for a baby to stay).  I tried to make the best of the situation.  She was extremely rude for the whole weekend, make backhanded comments about how I'm not going to be as good of a mother as her because I don't want to be a stay at home mom (my FI will be the parent who down-shifts his career when we have kids), how I shouldn't wear so much makeup because her brother doesn't like that (patently false), how I don't really know anything about childcare so I better get a really good nanny (she happens to be a nanny), and a whole host of other nasty things.  She also let her kid make a huge mess of my tiny apartment, demanded to be driven around in horrible LA traffic, made me miss a very important appointment due to her lateness, and didn't offer to pay for gas or anything for all of the driving around I was doing to show her the city.  The icing on the cake is that she didn't thank me for letting her and her son stay, didn't offer to help clean up, or pay for any meals.

  
  

  Despite the former plans, FI and I both don't really want to have her in the wedding at this point, because we don't want to have someone who clearly can't support our relationship stand up for us.  FI is really reeling from her behavior and is going to talk to FMIL about things, but I can't imagine that much will change.  Even if she apologizes, knowing that someone thinks I'm going to be a bad mother does not make me want them to be in my wedding.

  
  

  So my question is: How do I broach this topic with her?  Is there a way to gracefully tell her I've changed my plans?  Should I be straight and say that since she clearly doesn't like me, its better for everyone if she just enjoys the wedding as a guest?  Or should I stretch the truth and say we've decided to change the way we're doing the wedding party and are going to have it be much smaller or something like that?

  
  

  (I really want to be a nice person here and I don't want to cause drama or strife with their family.  If there's no way to do this without causing World War 3, then I may just grin and bear it and let her be in the wedding, but suggest that maybe she gets ready with her brother instead of me on the morning of or something like that....)

  
  

  Thanks!

  If you never officially asked her, you're technically off the hook. She wasn't asked, so you're not kicking her out.

  
  

  However, you told your mother and his mother, who in turn told her daughter, so your FSIL will know that, at one point, you were considering having her in your WP, so be prepared for your changing your mind to cause hurt feelings.

  
  

  I would recommend having your FI tell his mother, and then potentially his sister, why the decision was changed. She needs to hear it from him, not from you.

  
  

  And yeah, she sounds like a real peach...

  

  
  

  
  

  I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'

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• OliveOilsMom member

  

  March 2014

  I think if your FI is going to say anything about FSIL's behavior during her visit, he should direct his comments to his sister, not his mother.  I also think that he needs to keep the wedding out of it.

  I agree with PP that you didn't ask her, so you are off the hook.  You don't need to have a RB, so if she brings it up again - have your FI tell her that the answer is no.  And also, have a discussion with your FI about what your responses will be if she ever asks you about being a BM.  She had already heard she will be asked, so when she finds out she isn't officialy a BM, she may come asking you why.

  

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• Maggie0829 member

  

  March 2014

  You never asked so you really don't have to say anything.  As for the RB, your FI can tell her that you are not planning on having one.

  
  

  But I do have a few questions about her stay.  How did she refuse to pay for any meal?  I mean if you went out to dinner I would have been saying "So FSIL you owe X amount?"  And how did she make you late for your appointment?  I would have told her "I have an appointment at X and if you aren't ready by Y I will have to leave without you."  I think there were a lot of things you could have done to put yourself more in a "I don't take crap" position then the semi-doormat position that you let yourself be in.  So next time she does or say anything that is rude stick up for yourself right then and there.

  
  

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• LondonLisa member

  

  March 2014 edited March 2014

  I think you need to evaluate after your Fi talks with his mother/ sister about the weekend irrespective of the wedding party. I agree that technically since you never asked her you are off the hook. But these two people will also be in your life forever, so just see how his conversation goes. Don;t bring up WP stuff at all!

  
  

  Don't make it seem like you are not having her in the wedding because of her behaviour. I would deal with this horrible visit first and then think about it and see how things are in a few months time. There is no need to address the WP stuff now, and if FSIL/FMIL asks just laugh and say "we have no idea, we haven't even set a date yet". 

  
  

  I get what she said was rude and very hurtful, but it really sounds like schoolyard jealousy and immaturity. My FSIL does it to me to ( I have a PhD and decent career, she barely finished high school) so she sometimes makes passive aggressive digs at me which are really just immature attempts to make me feel inferior. I'm not saying what she said was ok- it was nasty and mean- but I also think a lot of it is rooted in being petty and jealous. 

  
  

  Keep us updated! I'm glad your fi has your back on this one

  
  

  
  

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• abbyj700 member

  

  April 2014

  Please don't have your FI talk to your FMIL to talk to her. You're both adults - she doesn't need her mommy to be her buffer. 

  
  

  And whether you asked or not - you know she knew - so you're in a sticky situation. This is someone you're going to be around and now related to for life. Keep that in mind as you make decisions. Does one bad visit change a lifetime?

  
  

  And like @Maggie0829 said - she didn't do anything to you that you didn't let her do. Stand up for yourself!

  
  

  @LondonLisa - I get your point -but you getting a PhD compared to your sister in law just going to high school - who cares? Plenty of people do well without degrees and plenty of people serve coffee after getting a PhD. It just really rubbed me the wrong way that you assume she is jealous of you. I have more education than my FI and many of our friends - I would never assume anyone is jealous.

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• LondonLisa member

  

  April 2014

  abbyj700 said:

  Please don't have your FI talk to your FMIL to talk to her. You're both adults - she doesn't need her mommy to be her buffer. 

  
  

  And whether you asked or not - you know she knew - so you're in a sticky situation. This is someone you're going to be around and now related to for life. Keep that in mind as you make decisions. Does one bad visit change a lifetime?

  
  

  And like @Maggie0829 said - she didn't do anything to you that you didn't let her do. Stand up for yourself!

  
  

  @LondonLisa - I get your point -but you getting a PhD compared to your sister in law just going to high school - who cares? Plenty of people do well without degrees and plenty of people serve coffee after getting a PhD. It just really rubbed me the wrong way that you assume she is jealous of you. I have more education than my FI and many of our friends - I would never assume anyone is jealous.

  @abbyj700 It was certainly never my intention to come across that way! I couldn't care less if a person has 5 DPhils or didn't finish school. 

  
  

  That statement was from separate chats FMIL and Fi  have had with me who have both said that the reason FSIL is the way she is towards me is because she has a big chip on her shoulder about this one specific issue (education/career).

  
  

  Of course I would never assume that just because someone doesn't agree with me it is because they are jealous. Hope that clarifies it!

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