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My mom and stepdad are being wierd about the wedding not sure how to address it.

traditionallyuntraditionaltraditionallyuntraditional member
Third Anniversary 100 Love Its 100 Comments Name Dropper
in Wedding Woes
Hi I've got a strange issue. So my FI and I are paying for our own wedding and reception except my mom is buying my dress as a present so I don't think that is the issue here. We have been together 7 years and have children so it's kind of silly to expect my family to foot the bill now. We don't live where our wedding will be but it's were I grew up so my whole family is there and now when I come into town it requires some wedding planning while there but not the entire stay. I stay with my mom and step-dad and my mom is helping me plan by going with me to the meetings and scoping out hotels. The issue is my mom has forbidden me from speaking about the wedding in front of my step-dad because it supposedly gives him anxiety. It's so bad that when we were leaving to go look at a reception venue last time she tried to hide where we were going or what we were doing out of fear he'd get "anxious". When we came to town to tell them we got engaged she barely said a word did not get excited and hurried us out the door to go to a family event my aunts and grandparents practically did back flips and screamed with excitement at the news! To me this really hurts that I have to hide and/or downplay the happiest day of my life from him while trying to plan it. I know they love my FI and have said over the years how great he is so I can't imagine that is the issue. I have not spoken extensively about it and I am certainly not the type to speak about it even every day but saying, "hey were are going to look at a place for the reception we'll be back in an hour or so" seems like a perfectly normal response to him asking what we were doing. His son was planning on getting married next month and I know for a fact they went to dinner at least once, maybe twice, to discuss wedding plans with them before they cancelled a few weeks ago. I'm just really hurt that I feel like I have to be ashamed or secretive about marrying my best friend and love of my life just because it causes a grown man anxiety. Am I being a bridzilla or should I speak to my mother about how hurtful it is that I've been forbidden to speak about anything remotely wedding related in front of him?
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Re: My mom and stepdad are being wierd about the wedding not sure how to address it.

  • tawillerstawillers member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    Have you asked your mom what his issue is?
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  • traditionallyuntraditionaltraditionallyuntraditional member
    Third Anniversary 100 Love Its 100 Comments Name Dropper
    She just says he has anxiety about our wedding and she doesn't want him to think that's all we talk about that's all she will say. It's not all we talk about and even if I was permitted to speak freely about it I wouldn't speak only of that I have kids and a life outside of my wedding and my step-dad doesn't really talk to me he doesn't really talk to anyone but her and his neighbor. My motto is book everything now worry about it when the wedding gets closer, it's a year away. I'm not the over the top wedding planner bride to be.
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  • AuntFloAuntFlo member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    There has to be more to the story that your mom isn't telling you, or your step dad isn't telling your mom.  If your stepdad has anxiety that is keeping him from being able to talk to other people or handling a simple conversation about your wedding, then he needs counseling and possibly medication.  And your mom needs to stop tiptoeing around it and address the problem with him.  
    As for what you should do, I wouldn't participate in the tiptoeing.  

    �
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  • LondonLisaLondonLisa member
    Eighth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I can understand if you were talking 100% only about the wedding that she may want SD to have a "break", but it definitely doesn't sound that way.

    Can you take your mother out to coffee just you two and have a chat. Just say something like "I understand we don't have to talk about the wedding all the time, but the fact that I cannot even mention it is hurting my feelings and putting me in an awkward position. I don't want to lie anymore about where we are going. Is this really all about the reception?" and then listen.

    If he cannot even hear about a wedding reception that really has nothing to do with him, is he even going to be able to attend the wedding? I think you should ask your mom about what she would do in that situation if your SD's wedding anxiety prevented him from even going".
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  • HisGirlFriday13HisGirlFriday13 member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary 5 Answers
    I ditto PPs that there has to be more to this story than your mother is telling you. It makes no sense that you and your mom going to look at a venue would cause your stepfather anxiety. What is there to be anxious about? (And I say that as a person who suffers from a generalised anxiety disorder -- a lot of stuff causes me anxiety.)

    You need to find a time to talk with your mother about why this is anxiety-inducing for you stepfather, and what's going to happen as the wedding gets closer.
    Anniversary

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    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
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  • ReturnOfKuusReturnOfKuus member
    Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    Maybe you should ask him instead of asking your mother.
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  • KatWAGKatWAG member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    ReturnOfKuus said:
    Maybe you should ask him instead of asking your mother.

    This. Go straight to the source.
    BabyFruit Ticker
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  • traditionallyuntraditionaltraditionallyuntraditional member
    Third Anniversary 100 Love Its 100 Comments Name Dropper
    Thank you all I was starting to wonder if I was being a bridzilla. I don't know what his deal is or if there is something my mom isn't telling me. She and I are really close so it's weird that she wouldn't tell me something. I know he doesn't like to get dressed up because he is bigger but really that should not cause so much anxiety we can't tell him we are looking at a venue. He probably wouldn't admit if there was a problem that I wasn't aware of he's a man of few words him and my mom got married my senior year of college so it's not like I grew up with him as a father figure. So when I do try and talk to him about anything (not the wedding just anything) I get very little response and the rare time I get a response about something serious he's kind of rude or aloof, and once he was down right hurtful. Maybe I will try talking with my mom and if I get the same non-answer I'll call him. If he didn't show up to my wedding I would not be hurt in the least bit it's his decision and I would never guilt anyone into coming to my wedding we only want people there if THEY want to be there. He didn't show up to our children's baptism just the party afterwards and it didn't bother me one bit.
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