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What to do...What to do!?! Help!

onlyjamielynnonlyjamielynn member
5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
in Second Weddings
Ok, I'm going to make this as short as I possibly can...This will be my second marriage (currently 36) this will be FI's first marriage (also currently 36).  I have a 4 year old daughter.  FI & I have our own place together.  We do ok on money, but with a 4 year old and our everyday bills it's not like we're stock piling it or anything like that.  My dad is retired and my mom is retiring this coming year.  My dad has had some minor medical problems but still things that cost money.  FI's parents both work.  Future MIL makes pretty nice money.  I told FI that I am completely fine with like a back yard buffet type of wedding.  Still do it nicely, but not extravagantly.  FI is saying that his parents will want a sit down wedding.  Which I believe, these are the people that can turn a $40 dinner at Ruby Tuesday into a $150 affair.  I have told FI that my family can not foot the bill.  They have already footed that bill previously and with dads medical condition and retirement that it just isn't a possibility for them.  I started looking into the whole backyard wedding thing but nothing seems good enough to FI.  There isn't "real plates."  There isn't a tent.  Dinner isn't served.  On and on and on.  I told him that if that is what he and his family want they should be the ones shelling out for it.  I will do what I can without putting myself into a complete financial ruin, but that I won't forsake buying a house within the next year or two for it.  I could easily trim my guest list down to 25 people if I had too.  Just his "immediate" family alone is about ten.  Then there's all these aunts and uncles and cousins and significant others.  And we JUST HAVE to have an open bar...Again blah blah blah.  So even a back yard event turns into an $8,000 ordeal.  And that is with me basically doing everything DIY except for tent, catering and hard goods.  I was thinking about proposing just going to the beach and inviting immediate family members for our ceremony.  And then doing a casual party later.  But I feel like I'm going to be crucified.  I really am stressing about the financial burden to my parents.  The wonderful kicker in all of this is that we can't even get married in a church.  We are both Catholic and I am divorced.  So a church wedding is out.  I feel bad because I want him to have his day too...But even on a DIY budget were looking at thousands...Any suggestions?  I really don't want to start a war with the future in laws over this..
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Re: What to do...What to do!?! Help!

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    photokittyphotokitty mod
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited March 2014

    onlyjamielynn said:
    Ok, I'm going to make this as short as I possibly can...This will be my second marriage (currently 36) this will be FI's first marriage (also currently 36).  I have a 4 year old daughter.  FI & I have our own place together.  We do ok on money, but with a 4 year old and our everyday bills it's not like we're stock piling it or anything like that.  My dad is retired and my mom is retiring this coming year.  My dad has had some minor medical problems but still things that cost money.  FI's parents both work.  Future MIL makes pretty nice money.  I told FI that I am completely fine with like a back yard buffet type of wedding.  Still do it nicely, but not extravagantly.  FI is saying that his parents will want a sit down wedding.  Which I believe, these are the people that can turn a $40 dinner at Ruby Tuesday into a $150 affair.  I have told FI that my family can not foot the bill.  They have already footed that bill previously and with dads medical condition and retirement that it just isn't a possibility for them.  I started looking into the whole backyard wedding thing but nothing seems good enough to FI.  There isn't "real plates."  There isn't a tent.  Dinner isn't served.  On and on and on.  I told him that if that is what he and his family want they should be the ones shelling out for it.  I will do what I can without putting myself into a complete financial ruin, but that I won't forsake buying a house within the next year or two for it.  I could easily trim my guest list down to 25 people if I had too.  Just his "immediate" family alone is about ten.  Then there's all these aunts and uncles and cousins and significant others.  And we JUST HAVE to have an open bar...Again blah blah blah.  So even a back yard event turns into an $8,000 ordeal.  And that is with me basically doing everything DIY except for tent, catering and hard goods.  I was thinking about proposing just going to the beach and inviting immediate family members for our ceremony.  And then doing a casual party later.  But I feel like I'm going to be crucified.  I really am stressing about the financial burden to my parents.  The wonderful kicker in all of this is that we can't even get married in a church.  We are both Catholic and I am divorced.  So a church wedding is out.  I feel bad because I want him to have his day too...But even on a DIY budget were looking at thousands...Any suggestions?  I really don't want to start a war with the future in laws over this..
    "
    First, calm down and take a deep breath. 
    Second, paragraphs are your friend :)

    Thoughts and suggestions:
    You can get an annulment and have a church wedding. If you do not get married in the church neither of you will be able to receive communion, unless your priest con validates the marriage, but you will still have to get the annulment. So if practicing Catholicism in the future is of any concern - stop everything and go talk to your priest.

    Plan a wedding you can afford. Make a budget and stick to it. BBQ in the backyard on paper plates is perfectly acceptable. It may not be what your FILs envisioned, but unless they are paying they don't get a say.

    If you have a bar it should be hosted - that means open or limited, where you only serve certain options. It should not be cash, your guests should't have to open their wallets at your wedding. A dry wedding to perfectly acceptable, aging maybe not to FILs, but it is a polite option etiquette wise.

    You are your FI need to set your budget and then your guest list. Invite who you can afford to properly host. That might only be your immediate family. That's fine, you get decide, assuming no one else is paying but the 2 of you.

    You and your FI need to talk things out and decide what is most important to you. Starting a marriage off in debt just to please others is not a good idea. The first thing you need to figure out is whether or not either of you care that your marriage will not be valid in the eyes of the church and the fact that you will not be welcome at communion. (I had to make this decision myself as I had an annulment, but DH who is not Catholic did not get one).

    GL! Have a glass of wine and relax. :)

    PS under no circumstance should you ask your FILs for money. WHen you tell them your plans and they suggest more expensive option you can say "we don't have the budget to have a plated meal" and then they can offer to assist with paying. But money comes with strings and those who pay, have a say.
    :kiss: ~xoxo~ :kiss:

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    onlyjamielynnonlyjamielynn member
    5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    edited March 2014
    Sorry normally I do paragraph but I was on my phone and in a rush.

    Are you sure about the annulment? I was told it was a different process. And that process takes a year and even then it may not be ok. Also I was told they contact the ex. The relationship went very bad and to this day is still bad. To the point that my custody lawyer dropped me because she couldn't deal with him. There is no way I would ever want him talking to anyone at a church.
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    photokittyphotokitty mod
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    I am certain about the annulment. They would contact your ex, but if he didn't respond the annulment could still go forward. If you don't want to be a practicing Catholic then it is a moot point, but if you do you should talk to your priest asap.
    :kiss: ~xoxo~ :kiss:

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    MikesAngieMikesAngie member
    Name Dropper 5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    The best way to have a complete say in your wedding is to not have anyone "help" you in paying for it.  As I understand it your FI is being picky about the wedding and how it should look and feel. Mention to him that it's very silly to go into debt for a party; the more important part of the wedding isn't the day or how it's celebrated but the marriage and how it's lived. 

    The absolute best advice on this board is to have the wedding you can afford - period.  If you want a big elaborate formal wedding then save money for it and postpone it until you can afford it.  If you want something small and simple then budget and save for that.  As soon as you invite parents in or ask them for money they want to have a say in the guest list, and other details. 

    No one batted an eye at our wedding when we had a hosted cocktail hour at the bar, and we provided wine with dinner.  If other cocktails were drank our guests purchased them.  

    Our budget was limited, but our guests didn't know that. We had passed canapes (because paying for the piece ($6.50/guest) instead of for an appetizer buffet is less expensive ($30.00/appetizer presentation) and it looks much fancier. Guest were greeted with a toasting glass of champagne before the ceremony (again not a full flute saves money). Our seated dinner was a choice of a chicken dish or a pasta veggie dish.  Wine was served as an as needed basis, open bottles cost on the table cost more.  Our bar bill at the end of the night was under $300.00, my DMIL paid for the cocktail hour ($500.00). Our "cake" was boxed truffles from Cowgirl Chocolates and with shipping to our venue included it was less than $3.00 per box.  There was a lot of DIY at our wedding as well. Other than our rings, which we agreed were to be outside the wedding budget - we spent less than $8,000.00 for a formal event. We live in a wedding destination area. 
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    onlyjamielynnonlyjamielynn member
    5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    Thank you for the suggestions.  I just don't want to disappoint anyone, but at the same time, have own daily life expenses to handle as well.  I don't assume or want anyone to financially help.  And I do realize once that takes place then we are at the mercy of others. 

    I did find a venue last night that I love and is very budget friendly.  Luckily I will be able to do a lot of things myself.  The only thing I am considering having professionally done is the actually meal portion of the food.  But it will be within budget.
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    photokittyphotokitty mod
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    That's great that you found a budget friendly venue! Check out the Budget/DIY board for money saving tips.

    My best money saving tip is check with your local grocery store for flowers - if you decide to get flowers. All the florist I got quotes form gave me quotes where the bridal bouquet cost more than the total cost of all my flowers at Kroger. :)

    I have to disagree with MikesAngie, if you can't afford to pay for mixed drinks, do not offer them. Cash bars are rude, it's not polite to offer some drinks for free and have guests pay for other. Guests should be gracious and be happy with what they are served, whether it is full bar, limited choices or non alcoholic beverages.

    GL! :)
    :kiss: ~xoxo~ :kiss:

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    onlyjamielynnonlyjamielynn member
    5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    I actually found my bouquets at Kirklands (the Home Goods store).  They are obviously fake but super cute and have burlap on them for $12!  

    I wouldn't do a cash bar.  That would get me kicked out of the FI family before I even got in!  It will be a full open bar.  Luckily I can do my own alcohol and we have a very good friend that owns a local bar that is getting stuff for us at cost.  So that is awesome!
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    MikesAngieMikesAngie member
    Name Dropper 5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    @photokitty
    If a bride and groom pay for a bartender and a bar set up then I agree they should host the cocktails for the time that service is being provided (which at a more expensive venue is what we would have done).  The venue that was appealing to all three of us based on the drive to arrive, the views, decor and the overall cost also had a bar that would be open (regardless of whether or not we hosted) from before the ceremony to the close of the reception. So we provided what we budgeted for, and guests were allowed to make additional purchases beyond that we certainly couldn't stop them from being patrons.  



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    photokittyphotokitty mod
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited March 2014
    I respectfully disagree @mikesangie
    There are a few cases where I would feel differently - you host people at a restaurant and the server tells guests what is hosted and then a rude guests gets up and goes to the bar and buy themselves a drink - then that is guest being rude, not the B&G.
    If it is at a hotel and the room in which the reception is held has a limited bar, but guests leave to go to the hotel bar and purchase drinks, then that again is not on the B&G.

    Guests should never go up to a bar in the reception space, order a drink and be told to pay for it. I have read your response several times and cannot understand how your situation justifies breaking etiquette. It's fine that you chose to do so, but please don't tell others it is proper to partially host their guests.

    ETA glaring typos
    :kiss: ~xoxo~ :kiss:

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    MikesAngieMikesAngie member
    Name Dropper 5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    @photokitty Not one of our guests said anything about the bar being open after the cocktail hour.  The open bar was completely used up within the hour it was paid for and most guests did not use the bar afterward - but if they were so inclined it was there.  

    You have your point of view and at the time I did run it by the second wedding gurus and they didn't find it as rude or objectionable as you have.  We did what we felt was appropriate at the time had I known you then I may have sought your advice.  

    Different regions have different views on what is or is not rude.  The dollar dance or money tree in my opinion are very rude - but they are allowed at many a wedding in certain regions. 
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    MobKazMobKaz member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited March 2014
    MikesAngie said:
    @photokitty Not one of our guests said anything about the bar being open after the cocktail hour.  The open bar was completely used up within the hour it was paid for and most guests did not use the bar afterward - but if they were so inclined it was there.  

    You have your point of view and at the time I did run it by the second wedding gurus and they didn't find it as rude or objectionable as you have.  We did what we felt was appropriate at the time had I known you then I may have sought your advice.  

    Different regions have different views on what is or is not rude.  The dollar dance or money tree in my opinion are very rude - but they are allowed at many a wedding in certain regions. 
    Typically a guest will not say anything when faced with a breach of etiquette.  It does not mean they accept the breach, it simply means they have better manners and know it would be rude to complain.

    ANY time a guest is required or expected to open their wallet at a wedding, for any reason, it is wrong.  Different regions may have different customs or traditions, but poor hospitality is rude regardless of region. 

    ETA....my guess is most guests did not use the bar after the complimentary period ended because it was rude to be asked to pay for their own drink.
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    ViczaesarViczaesar member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    MikesAngie said:
    @photokitty Not one of our guests said anything about the bar being open after the cocktail hour.  The open bar was completely used up within the hour it was paid for and most guests did not use the bar afterward - but if they were so inclined it was there.  

    You have your point of view and at the time I did run it by the second wedding gurus and they didn't find it as rude or objectionable as you have.  We did what we felt was appropriate at the time had I known you then I may have sought your advice.  

    Different regions have different views on what is or is not rude.  The dollar dance or money tree in my opinion are very rude - but they are allowed at many a wedding in certain regions. 
    That just means that they have better manners than you do.



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