Already a big wedding party and parents want to add more family

hobbessmith · April 2014

So, my fiance already had a lot of groomsmen because he has a lot of friends he feels close to. Some are from college, some from high school, a couple he met in graduate school. I thought that was a lot, but didn't want to have him choose between his friends. I agreed he could have 9 and I chose 9 bridesmaids so we could be even. I probably could have chosen only 5, but I made sure to choose people I still felt close to that add up to 9. My fiance originally didn't have any family members on the groom's side. I have his sister, my sister, and my cousin included as bridesmaids.

Now, my fiance's parents want to add 3 cousins from their side to the wedding party. That also means I'd have 2 bridesmaids that I don't feel close to, one which I've never met before. I wasn't too thrilled about the idea. When I asked my mom, though, she thought it wasn't that big of a deal and then told me she wanted to add my brothers to the groomsmen side. That means total, we'd have 12 groomsmen and 11 bridesmaids, so I'd need to add one more bridesmaid if we really wanted to keep it even. Should I agree to make my wedding party bigger to keep the peace, or should I stick to my guns and just have my original bridesmaids? I hate drama and don't want bad blood between me and my fiance's parents, but I'm not sure if I want that many people or want bridesmaids I don't feel close to in my wedding party.

sarawifenow · April 2014

Your sides do not have to be even. I have been to many weddings where the sides weren't even and nobody even thought about it.

You need to have people in your wedding party that YOU want in it. This is the time to have your loved ones stand up with you. If your FI wants his cousins, let him add them, but you do not need to compensate by adding more to your side.

KatWAG · April 2014

hobbessmith said:

So, my fiance already had a lot of groomsmen because he has a lot of friends he feels close to. Some are from college, some from high school, a couple he met in graduate school. I thought that was a lot, but didn't want to have him choose between his friends. I agreed he could have 9 and I chose 9 bridesmaids so we could be even. I probably could have chosen only 5, but I made sure to choose people I still felt close to that add up to 9. My fiance originally didn't have any family members on the groom's side. I have his sister, my sister, and my cousin included as bridesmaids.

Now, my fiance's parents want to add 3 cousins from their side to the wedding party. That also means I'd have 2 bridesmaids that I don't feel close to, one which I've never met before. I wasn't too thrilled about the idea. When I asked my mom, though, she thought it wasn't that big of a deal and then told me she wanted to add my brothers to the groomsmen side. That means total, we'd have 12 groomsmen and 11 bridesmaids, so I'd need to add one more bridesmaid if we really wanted to keep it even. Should I agree to make my wedding party bigger to keep the peace, or should I stick to my guns and just have my original bridesmaids? I hate drama and don't want bad blood between me and my fiance's parents, but I'm not sure if I want that many people or want bridesmaids I don't feel close to in my wedding party.

First and foremost, get the idea of even side out of your head. Its irrelevant. The only people who should be included in your wedding party are the people you would call at 3am to help you bury a dead body. You pick your side, your fi picks his side. These are people, not props for your pictures.

Your FILs get no say in your wedding party. When they ask, tell them the decision has been made and its not up for discussion. Then change the subject.

Maggie0829 · April 2014

hobbessmith said:

So, my fiance already had a lot of groomsmen because he has a lot of friends he feels close to. Some are from college, some from high school, a couple he met in graduate school. I thought that was a lot, but didn't want to have him choose between his friends. I agreed he could have 9 and I chose 9 bridesmaids so we could be even. I probably could have chosen only 5, but I made sure to choose people I still felt close to that add up to 9. My fiance originally didn't have any family members on the groom's side. I have his sister, my sister, and my cousin included as bridesmaids.

Now, my fiance's parents want to add 3 cousins from their side to the wedding party. That also means I'd have 2 bridesmaids that I don't feel close to, one which I've never met before. I wasn't too thrilled about the idea. When I asked my mom, though, she thought it wasn't that big of a deal and then told me she wanted to add my brothers to the groomsmen side. That means total, we'd have 12 groomsmen and 11 bridesmaids, so I'd need to add one more bridesmaid if we really wanted to keep it even. Should I agree to make my wedding party bigger to keep the peace, or should I stick to my guns and just have my original bridesmaids? I hate drama and don't want bad blood between me and my fiance's parents, but I'm not sure if I want that many people or want bridesmaids I don't feel close to in my wedding party.

Well your first mistake was to think that your sides had to be even. But that ship has sailed.

No one can add people to your wedding party unless the person adding them is you or your FI. You FI parents cannot just add people. Period. Stick up for yourself (and your FI needs to as well as back up your decisions) unless you want to become a doormat for the rest of your marriage.

Jen4948 · April 2014

It is not necessary to have even sides. The people standing with you should be those who are closest to you.

It is not up to your FILs who is in the wedding party-even if they are contributing financially (I know you didn't say, but FYI). This is one time when s/he who pays does not get a say. If they bring it up again, just tell them, "We've picked our attendants. This is a closed subject."

HisGirlFriday13 · April 2014

Sides don't have to be even, but you cannot un-ask someone whom you've asked.

Your FILs, your mother, your cousins, your next-door-neighbours, your whomevers get zero, zip, zilch, nada, none, NO say in your WP. That's for you and your FI to decide.

If your FI wants to add them, truly wants to add them, that's fine, but IMHO, that many BM and GM is just ridiculous. If you don't want to add these people your FILs are suggesting to your side, then don't. If you want your brother to stand on your side, that's fine. But your mother doesn't get to assign him as a member of the WP. No no no.

jenna8984 · April 2014

I agree with hisgirlfriday- I think that many looks ridiculous and it's obvious that you aren't even that close to all these people, which just makes it look silly. Have you thought about the cost......my bridesmaid bouquets are $75 each....have fun buying that for 12 people as well as gifts and rehearsal dinner with significant others.

It should not cause any drama or bad blood- because these cousins would probably think you're crazy anyways. I know if my cousin I'm not very close to just asked me to join the already 9 person wedding party I'd say um, why, no thank you. I can't imagine any of them being mad.

[Deleted User] · April 2014

I wouldn't do that ever. 9 seems like way too many already, but 11-12? Imagine having to work with 11-12 budgets for dresses, 11-12 hair and make up sessions, 11-12 BM gifts, and 11-12 BM bouquets. That is going to be a lot of money for you. If money isn't an issue, then that will just be a lot of dialogue going back and forth (Can't make it to dress shopping, so and so isn't contributing to the planning, whatshername just got a new BF and now I have to invite him, how do you want us to wear our hair? What kind of jewelry should we wear). ARGHHH!!!!

hobbessmith · April 2014

Thanks everyone! As has been mentioned, I agree, I shouldn't have worried about keeping the same number on both sides. I had already asked all of them, though, so I can't do anything about that. I talked to my fiance and we agreed to find some other roles for his cousins like singing or being an usher. I'll figure out something for my brothers, too. Thanks for the advice!

CMGragain · April 2014

Just say "NO!"

Maggie0829 · April 2014

hobbessmith said:

Thanks everyone! As has been mentioned, I agree, I shouldn't have worried about keeping the same number on both sides. I had already asked all of them, though, so I can't do anything about that. I talked to my fiance and we agreed to find some other roles for his cousins like singing or being an usher. I'll figure out something for my brothers, too. Thanks for the advice!

@hobbessmith - But why do you have to figure out anything? Why can't they just be invited like all the rest of your guests? It is an honor just to be invited. Don't find roles for them to do because typically they are crap roles. Just invite them as guests and leave it as that. Simple. Easy. Done.

Already a big wedding party and parents want to add more family

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