plus 1 question

jules3964 · April 2014

We are having a small semi-destination wedding and would like to extend a plus one to all single guests out of courtesy. However, we know a lot of single people (mostly extended family members) who probably won't bring a plus one, and if that is the case we would like to invite a few more additional people. (I hope this is not considered B-listing, as it is not our intention -- all invites would still go out at the same time).

My question is, is it ok to ask these singletons before we send the invitations if they would like a plus one, and who that person would be (so we could include their name on the invite)? Would it put rude pressure on them to name someone? What if they change their mind later and we no longer have space, would it be a faux pas to say no?

phira · April 2014

jules3964 said:

We are having a small semi-destination wedding and would like to extend a plus one to all single guests out of courtesy. However, we know a lot of single people (mostly extended family members) who probably won't bring a plus one, and if that is the case we would like to invite a few more additional people. (I hope this is not considered B-listing, as it is not our intention -- all invites would still go out at the same time).

My question is, is it ok to ask these singletons before we send the invitations if they would like a plus one, and who that person would be (so we could include their name on the invite)? Would it put rude pressure on them to name someone? What if they change their mind later and we no longer have space, would it be a faux pas to say no?

I think this is okay.

Let's say your cousin Bob is single. Shortly before you send out the invitations, call ol' Bob up and ask him if he'd like to bring anyone with him to the wedding. Bob says nope. Then you finalize your guest list and send the invitations, sending Bob just an invitation for himself.

After the invitations are sent out, Bob calls you up and says, "I've actually started seeing someone and I'd like to bring him to the wedding."

You can say, "That's really great! Unfortunately, the invitations have already gone out, and we're at our max number of guests."

Then you can follow up with, "I'm really sorry that we can't invite your new boyfriend to come with you, but maybe we can all get dinner together after the wedding so we can meet him."

Or,

"We can try to fit him in after we get some declines. When do you need to finish making your travel arrangements?"

Inviting the new significant other (or new date--maybe Bob's not seeing someone but wants to bring his friend for company) after getting declines is not the same as B-listing people from the get-go. B-listing occurs when a couple comes up with two guests lists, and only invites people off of the second guest list once people from the first one are invited and then decline. In your case, Bob's hypothetical guest is not on your guest list, or he or she would be if Bob originally said he wanted to bring someone. Additionally, Bob's guest is Bob's guest. He or she would be a guest at your wedding, but they were invited by Bob, not by you.

The short version: It is okay to ask if people are planning on bringing someone. If they aren't, it's okay to invite them without a guest. If they ask to bring someone after the invitations have gone out, it is okay to say no. It is also okay to say yes pending declines from other guests.

grumbledore · April 2014

IF you ask them ahead and they choose not to add someone, then I think you are fine to use that spot for an extra guest. However, you can't send the invites, wait for RSVPs, and then invite the extra guest.

JCbride2015 · April 2014

Yep I think your plan is totally fine. You're calling so that you can name the guest on the invite, which is what you're supposed to do anyway. It's okay to use that information to invite others as long as all invites go out at the same time.

Jen4948 · April 2014

If someone is not in a relationship at the time invitations go out, you can ask them if they'd like to bring someone or let them know that no, they can't bring someone.

But no, you can't decide to let them bring someone after getting back RSVPs of no. The decision has to happen when the invitations go out.

JellyBean52513 · April 2014

Jen4948 said:

If someone is not in a relationship at the time invitations go out, you can ask them if they'd like to bring someone or let them know that no, they can't bring someone.

But no, you can't decide to let them bring someone after getting back RSVPs of no. The decision has to happen when the invitations go out.

Why not? We always say on here that it's ok to extend a +1 if space allows after receiving declines, because you're not B-listing a specific guest you would've/should've invited from the start, but rather you're allowing an invited guest to attend with a companion when space becomes available.

Jen4948 · April 2014

JellyBean52513 said:

Jen4948 said:

If someone is not in a relationship at the time invitations go out, you can ask them if they'd like to bring someone or let them know that no, they can't bring someone.

But no, you can't decide to let them bring someone after getting back RSVPs of no. The decision has to happen when the invitations go out.

Why not? We always say on here that it's ok to extend a +1 if space allows after receiving declines, because you're not B-listing a specific guest you would've/should've invited from the start, but rather you're allowing an invited guest to attend with a companion when space becomes available.

Well, it still comes off like you're anticipating that a space will be available for that particular guest only because someone is declining, even if at the time the first invitations go out, you're not inviting them by name. If I were the +1 it would make me feel uncomfortable knowing that I was invited solely because someone else declined, just as it would if I were a specifically invited B-listed guest but wasn't wanted enough to make the initial cut.

I'd rather avoid the appearance of B-listing even with +1s and just invite the first guest with or without a +1. If it's not possible to invite them with a +1 when the invitations go out and you get asked about it, then I would just say, "Unfortunately, it just isn't possible for us to invite +1s for all our single guests. I hope you can still come."

JellyBean52513 · April 2014

I guess we just see this particular situation differently. For me, if I'm the +1, I'd take it as "Hey JB, my friend/cousin/whoever invited me to their wedding and said I can bring a guest if I want. Wanna go with me?" I wouldn't take offense to that, because I'm not a specific guest of the couple. The couple didn't necessarily know my name from the beginning, they didn't necessarily leave me off the invite list to make room for someone else over me, and they didn't call me up to tell me "Now we have room for you, we'd love you to come!" Do you see that difference, or is it just me?

Jen4948 · April 2014

JellyBean52513 said:

I guess we just see this particular situation differently. For me, if I'm the +1, I'd take it as "Hey JB, my friend/cousin/whoever invited me to their wedding and said I can bring a guest if I want. Wanna go with me?" I wouldn't take offense to that, because I'm not a specific guest of the couple. The couple didn't necessarily know my name from the beginning, they didn't necessarily leave me off the invite list to make room for someone else over me, and they didn't call me up to tell me "Now we have room for you, we'd love you to come!" Do you see that difference, or is it just me?

I see what you're getting at, but I agree with your assessment that we see things differently about it. I'll agree that they didn't B-list the way they would with a specific guest, but I personally probably wouldn't feel comfortable accepting such an invitation, especially if I don't know at least one of the couple.

phira · April 2014

Jen4948 said:

JellyBean52513 said:

I guess we just see this particular situation differently. For me, if I'm the +1, I'd take it as "Hey JB, my friend/cousin/whoever invited me to their wedding and said I can bring a guest if I want. Wanna go with me?" I wouldn't take offense to that, because I'm not a specific guest of the couple. The couple didn't necessarily know my name from the beginning, they didn't necessarily leave me off the invite list to make room for someone else over me, and they didn't call me up to tell me "Now we have room for you, we'd love you to come!" Do you see that difference, or is it just me?

I see what you're getting at, but I agree with your assessment that we see things differently about it. I'll agree that they didn't B-list the way they would with a specific guest, but I personally probably wouldn't feel comfortable accepting such an invitation, especially if I don't know at least one of the couple.

To be fair, that wouldn't necessarily be dependent on being invited (as a guest of a guest) because there was space or being invited (as a guest of a guest) from the get-go. If I don't feel comfortable going with Bob to his cousin's wedding because I don't know the couple, I probably won't feel comfortable going if he told the OP, "Yes, I'd like a plus one" while she was asking around.

I do think that the OP is just thinking about worst case scenario ("What if I ask and people say no, and then I send invitations and then they say yes?"), so it feels pretty unlikely.

kgd7357 · April 2014

We aren't offering all our solo guests plus ones, but we are offering the WP plus ones if they are single. However, I did simply ask them before I did invites if they would like to bring a guest or not, and if they knew the name so I could address the invites properly. Out of the 5 singles, 2 declined guests, one gave a name, and 2 said they'd like to keep the option. I did add on another couple as a result, since we did have the extra two seats. I don't see a problem with this. If the two ask for guests later, I'm going to have to say that we'll see if we have space.

plus 1 question

Best Answer

Re: plus 1 question

Choose Another Board

Search Boards