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Attire question

hjay07hjay07 member
5 Love Its First Anniversary First Comment
in Wedding Etiquette Forum

So my brother in law is getting married this summer. They sent out Save the Dates the other day as they are getting married up on Lake Michigan which is about a 4 hour drive for 90% of the guests. We've heard a lot of their plans as we're all pretty close to one another, and I was really looking forward to this wedding. They're getting married on the beach and then having a very simple reception at a local inn. It's going to be kind of cookout-style, with someone hired to do the grilling and serving, but still pretty casual.

Or at least that's what I thought until I noticed that at the bottom of the Save the Date it said "Formal attire requested". Wtf? First of all, don't tell me how to dress. Second, I don't own formal attire and will not be purchasing any in order to traipse around in the sand for the ceremony. Third, I think the reception sounds awesome and fun, but NOT formal. I had plenty of ideas of what to wear before this, but now I'm just confused. I don't want to be that girl who starts an issue with the in-laws over something silly, but...wtf? Should I just wait and see what develops as invites are sent out? Or should I get my husband to poke around for more info?

 

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    LondonLisaLondonLisa member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    hjay07 said:

    So my brother in law is getting married this summer. They sent out Save the Dates the other day as they are getting married up on Lake Michigan which is about a 4 hour drive for 90% of the guests. We've heard a lot of their plans as we're all pretty close to one another, and I was really looking forward to this wedding. They're getting married on the beach and then having a very simple reception at a local inn. It's going to be kind of cookout-style, with someone hired to do the grilling and serving, but still pretty casual.

    Or at least that's what I thought until I noticed that at the bottom of the Save the Date it said "Formal attire requested". Wtf? First of all, don't tell me how to dress. Second, I don't own formal attire and will not be purchasing any in order to traipse around in the sand for the ceremony. Third, I think the reception sounds awesome and fun, but NOT formal. I had plenty of ideas of what to wear before this, but now I'm just confused. I don't want to be that girl who starts an issue with the in-laws over something silly, but...wtf? Should I just wait and see what develops as invites are sent out? Or should I get my husband to poke around for more info?

    That is really rude on their part to put any form of attire unless it is black tie, but what you have described is certainly not a black tie wedding. However, I don't think there is anything you can do. It would be rude to point out their etiquette mistake unless they specifically asked for your opinion
     
    I would just leave it and wear a cocktail dress. No need to buy anything new and certainly no need to wear a long dress. 

    I think they will be surprised at how many people show up in *gasp* casual attire to a casual wedding :)
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    hjay07hjay07 member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary First Comment

     Thanks ladies! I would never say anything to them about it, I just don't want to be the only person who shows up NOT formally dressed, ya know? Then again, I doubt anyone will dress up all that much, our families don't really have those kind of events. I'm guessing they are hoping that just because this is essentially a cookout on the lake, people won't wear tee shirts and flip flops. Honestly, some people in our family will wear tee shirts and shorts no matter what anyone says, so their "request" isn't going to change anything!

     

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    PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost member
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    Don't say anything and don't wear formal attire. . .so no cocktail dress or suit; it's not appropriate for the type of wedding they are having.

    I would wear a nice sun dress and cardigan, with flats, espadrilles, or wedge sandals and have your FI wear a blazer/sports coat, polo or short sleeved button down shirt, and khakis.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


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    yellowdaisies84yellowdaisies84 member
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    You know what, not to defend them...but I am thinking that they put 'formal attire requested' because they were concerned that people might show up in jeans or board shorts. Maybe they are thinking of some family in particular who would show up dressed super casual for the beach wedding and they didn't want that so they decided to include the line 'formal attire requested'. So for you guys I wouldn't worry about it so much. Don't stress about buying Formalwear. Just dress nicely, you probably know exactly what to wear to a beach wedding. They obviously didn't know any better than to put a line like that on their invitations and they just want the wedding to be nice and how they envision it. Don't worry about it!
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    wrigleyvillewrigleyville member
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    yellowdaisies84 said:
    You know what, not to defend them...but I am thinking that they put 'formal attire requested' because they were concerned that people might show up in jeans or board shorts. Maybe they are thinking of some family in particular who would show up dressed super casual for the beach wedding and they didn't want that so they decided to include the line 'formal attire requested'. 
    That's what I'm thinking. Some people think "formal attire" = not jeans. Since it's on the beach, they probably assume people are going to show up in cut-offs and flip-flops. 

    I still think it's rude, but I don't think you have to worry about anything. For beach weddings, I usually wear a pretty sundress with sandals, and H wears a polo shirt or button-down shirt with khakis.
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    doeydodoeydo member
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    I would probably wear a flowy maxi dress and sandals.  You could bring a cardigan or something in case it gets chilly. Example:
    image
    Or you could do a sundress and sandals.  Example:
    image
    image
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    MandyMostMandyMost member
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    I wouldn't wear a sundress and cardigan to a wedding unless I was specifically told it was casual. Those dresses posted above is something I'd wear running errands or going to brunch on a random summer Sunday...not something I'd wear to a wedding. And definitely not something I'd wear to a wedding that requested (no matter how rude it was to request) formal attire. Based on everything you've told us, I totally agree you don't need to go buy a formal gown and he doesn't need to rent a tux, but you should wear at least a cocktail dress and a suit. 

    Also, I don't think I could keep my mouth shut, and I'd bring it up in conversation. Along the lines of "I saw your StD said formal attire! I didn't realize you guys were throwing such a fancy party...I thought it was going to be more of a beach barbecue feel. So will the ceremony be on some sort of deck and not on the beach at all, since you can't tell people to wear formal clothes/shoes on a beach? Are you going all out with fancy decorations and stuff? Will the servers being wearing white gloves and bow ties and all that? How will that work with a grill?!" You know...feign ignorance to expose her ignorance. :-)
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    STARMOON44STARMOON44 member
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    If you don't want to start out on the wrong foot, get yourself a cocktail dress and a paid of sandals and wear them.
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    InkdancerInkdancer member
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    It definitely sounds to me like they were trying to avoid people wearing jeans. But honestly? I'd call and ask. "Hey, I saw that it said 'formal attire' and I wasn't sure what you meant by that. I was thinking of wearing X and Y, would that work?" I would much rather let someone know I'm confused by what they did than risk causing family drama because I wore the wrong thing.
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    theartistformerlyknownastheartistformerlyknownas member
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    Two words - tuxedo t-shirt.

    Sorry, I'm in a snarkass mood today.
    image
    image
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    hjay07hjay07 member
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    I think I am just going to be nosy and find out what other people are wearing so I can at least blend in. I honestly think that they think "formal" means "don't wear shorts". But I think even a cocktail dress is too formal for this type of event.

     

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    Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
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    hjay07 said:
    I think I am just going to be nosy and find out what other people are wearing so I can at least blend in. I honestly think that they think "formal" means "don't wear shorts". But I think even a cocktail dress is too formal for this type of event.
    If you are having to walk around in the sand at any point then yes, a cocktail dress is too formal for this event.

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    PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost member
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    Maggie0829 said:
    hjay07 said:
    I think I am just going to be nosy and find out what other people are wearing so I can at least blend in. I honestly think that they think "formal" means "don't wear shorts". But I think even a cocktail dress is too formal for this type of event.
    If you are having to walk around in the sand at any point then yes, a cocktail dress is too formal for this event.
    I was thinking the same thing. . . or rocks, even.  I don't know about Michigan, but Lake Erie has a ton of rocky beaches.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


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    PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost member
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    scribe95 said:
    This is your brother-in-law - i.e. family. I don't understand what is so hard about casually clarifying the attire. It doesn't have to be a big deal. 
    I think it's rude to put anything about attire on STDs or invitations unless you are actually having a black tie event, or your venue has it's own dress code, like many country clubs do.

    And whether or not the bride and groom are family is irrelevant to me- they have absolutely zero business requesting guest attire in the 1st place, or casually clarifying attire.  What people wear to their wedding shouldn't be a big deal.

    I personally wouldn't feed in to their rude, controlling behavior by asking them to clarify anything.  I would just use my judgement on where their wedding/reception is being held and at what time of day to determine what I was going to wear.  And then I would just show up dressed in whatever I decided to wear.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


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    sofakingmadsofakingmad member
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    scribe95 said:
    No no no. I agree it shouldn't be on there. I meant I don't understand why you don't call them and ask directly about the situation. Just ask, figure it out, be done. 
    I agree that the B&G were already rude to put that in the STD/Invitation, but two wrongs don't make a right and I think that this all could be solved by talking to them.

    However, there is NO way in hell that I would show up to a beach wedding/BBQ reception in a formal gown or have my SO wear a tux or even a full suit.  I would dress nice for sure, but i would not be in a gown walking around in sand and grass.  
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    sarahuflsarahufl member
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    some sort of nice-ish sundress and cute sandals, no suits, no cocktail attire.
    image
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    PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost member
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    scribe95 said:
    No no no. I agree it shouldn't be on there. I meant I don't understand why you don't call them and ask directly about the situation. Just ask, figure it out, be done. 
    I knew we were on the same page to the bolded!  I was just reiterating why her BIL committed a faux pas for the benefit or any lurkers.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


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    PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost member
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    edited April 2014
    DragonBlood13 said:
    scribe95 said:
    No no no. I agree it shouldn't be on there. I meant I don't understand why you don't call them and ask directly about the situation. Just ask, figure it out, be done. 
    I agree that the B&G were already rude to put that in the STD/Invitation, but two wrongs don't make a right and I think that this all could be solved by talking to them.

    However, there is NO way in hell that I would show up to a beach wedding/BBQ reception in a formal gown or have my SO wear a tux or even a full suit.  I would dress nice for sure, but i would not be in a gown walking around in sand and grass.  
    I get your point, however there is nothing wrong with not asking the bride and groom's approval on what you intend to wear to their wedding, though.

    There's no reason at all to even bring the topic up with them.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


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    Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
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    PrettyGirlLost said:
    DragonBlood13 said:
    scribe95 said:
    No no no. I agree it shouldn't be on there. I meant I don't understand why you don't call them and ask directly about the situation. Just ask, figure it out, be done. 
    I agree that the B&G were already rude to put that in the STD/Invitation, but two wrongs don't make a right and I think that this all could be solved by talking to them.

    However, there is NO way in hell that I would show up to a beach wedding/BBQ reception in a formal gown or have my SO wear a tux or even a full suit.  I would dress nice for sure, but i would not be in a gown walking around in sand and grass.  
    I get your point, however there is nothing wrong with not asking the bride and groom's approval on what you intend to wear to their wedding, though.

    There's no reason at all to even bring the topic up with them.

    This.

    Just because they noted "formal attire" on the STD does not mean that people actually have to listen to it.  People are capable of wearing whatever they want regardless of what is dictated on a piece of paper.  And as the sister of the groom who has detail knowledge of the wedding plans she has more the enough information to pick out a perfectly acceptable outfit.

    With that said, if I were OP and was talking to my brother one day I would say something along the lines of "why the heck are you requesting formal attire for your beach BBQ wedding?"

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    hjay07hjay07 member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary First Comment
    Maggie0829 said:
    PrettyGirlLost said:
    DragonBlood13 said:
    scribe95 said:
    No no no. I agree it shouldn't be on there. I meant I don't understand why you don't call them and ask directly about the situation. Just ask, figure it out, be done. 
    I agree that the B&G were already rude to put that in the STD/Invitation, but two wrongs don't make a right and I think that this all could be solved by talking to them.

    However, there is NO way in hell that I would show up to a beach wedding/BBQ reception in a formal gown or have my SO wear a tux or even a full suit.  I would dress nice for sure, but i would not be in a gown walking around in sand and grass.  
    I get your point, however there is nothing wrong with not asking the bride and groom's approval on what you intend to wear to their wedding, though.

    There's no reason at all to even bring the topic up with them.

    This.

    Just because they noted "formal attire" on the STD does not mean that people actually have to listen to it.  People are capable of wearing whatever they want regardless of what is dictated on a piece of paper.  And as the sister of the groom who has detail knowledge of the wedding plans she has more the enough information to pick out a perfectly acceptable outfit.

    With that said, if I were OP and was talking to my brother one day I would say something along the lines of "why the heck are you requesting formal attire for your beach BBQ wedding?"
    Ha! Yes! It's my husband's brother, but I really would love him to say this. I would say it to MY brother if that was the case.

     

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