Wedding Etiquette Forum

Going to a wedding with my friend... did I make an oops?

lilacck28lilacck28 member
1000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer
edited April 2014 in Wedding Etiquette Forum
One of my best friends whom I've known since college was invited to the wedding of her friend from study abroad, which took place more than a few years ago. My friend was originally going to go with her boyfriend of (I think) 6ish-8ish months. I think they already RSVPed, the wedding is in a month, but I'm not positive. But my friend recently broke up with him. The wedding is in the city I live, and as my friend lives about 3 hours away, she asked to stay with me a few weeks ago. I was exited to see her, as it's been a little while, and said yes. I was on the phone with her the other day, when she told me about the breakup (which she confessed was a long time coming), and she expressed a lot of anxiety about going to the wedding alone. She wanted to go, but the only person she knows at the wedding is the bride. I wanted to make her feel better and jumped in with "well, if the bride okays it, I'll go with you." When I asked, my friend said the original invitation said "and guest", and that she spoke to the bride and the bride was fine with it. 

The more I think about it though, the more I worry that I encouraged my friend to be rude by putting the bride in an awkward position of okaying a "substitution", particularly if my friend remembered wrong and the invitation was specifically addressed to her and her bf (I know that etiquette says it should have been). At the time, my rationalization was the bride must know that my friend doesn't know anyone at the wedding, didn't know my friend's boyfriend, and according to my friend, invited her with an "and guest", so it must not have mattered who the "and guest" was, and I didn't want my friend to feel badly. I realize this could have been misguided thinking. Ultimately, the damage is already done (if it was damage), but I'd like to get your opinions for future reference, especially as I'm entering that time of a million weddings. 

Re: Going to a wedding with my friend... did I make an oops?

  • I agree, it shouldn't be a big deal. As a bride, I invited someone with a "+1" as she had been in an on-and-off relationship at the time of my invites (technically that week they were off, so we wrote "guest" instead of his name) and we knew that if she didn't bring her pseudo bf then she wouldn't know many others at the wedding. She was also travelling a distance to attend. We were happy when she RSVP'd that she'd be coming and bringing along a friend of hers. It depends on the situation and the flexibility of the bride, but I think in most cases, the bride wouldn't mind much.

  • I think you're in the clear. If she was originally invited with 'and guest,' then who the guest is shouldn't matter. Plus, the bride should just be happy that the friend is still coming, and should want to make her guest as comfortable as possible.

    I realise that technically, invitations are non-transferrable, but I'm in the camp of, 'as long as it's one for one, I'm OK with it.'

    We invited a co-worker of DH's (and the co-worker's wife) to the wedding. The co-worker RSVP'd for himself and his (female) 'vacation companion.' Apparently, he and his wife go on separate vacations, and have for the 40 years they've been married, and he was going to be on vacation with this friend right before our wedding, so it was easier for him to bring her than his wife.

    I was kind of surprised, but I was like, 'Well, OK, then.' It was more important to DH to have this co-worker/friend there than to kick up a fuss over who he brought with him.
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    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
  • I think you're in the clear. The bride could always have said no if she wasn't comfortable with it
  • phiraphira member
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    Original invitation said, "Friend and Guest," which means she's free to bring whichever guest she'd like.
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  • Thank you all! Just wanted to be sure. 
  • lilacck28lilacck28 member
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    edited April 2014
    To those who pointed out that it said "and guest" which made it okay: what would your thoughts have been on the matter if it was addressed to "friend and friend's boyfriend"? Seems like a lot of you would not have minded. Anyone who would? And why?  
  • phiraphira member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary 5 Answers
    If it had been address to your friend and her boyfriend, I think it would have been okay for your friend to call up the couple and say, "Thanks for the invitation! Unfortunately, [boyfriend] and I have broken up. I was wondering if it would be okay for me to bring [lilacck28] instead."

    But yeah, if I were the bride, I'd have said, "Sure!" Wouldn't have bothered me.
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  • lilacck28 said:
    To those who pointed out that it said "and guest" which made it okay: what would your thoughts have been on the matter if it was addressed to "friend and friend's boyfriend"? Seems like a lot of you would not have minded. Anyone who would? And why?  
    I might mind this if the guest knew other people at the wedding and was just substituting a random guest I have no connection to for the sake of bringing someone.  But if the guest truly knew no one at the wedding like it sounds is the situation here, I would be okay with it as I wouldn't want my friend to have a sucky time for not knowing anyone there.
  • & Guest means whoever the invitee wants to bring, so she's in the clear.  Sort of inviting yourself was probably technically not cool, but it sounds like your friend was fishing anyway so I think you're good.

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  • I think you're totally fine. Her invite was for "& guest", not the boyfriend by name.
  • lilacck28 said:
    To those who pointed out that it said "and guest" which made it okay: what would your thoughts have been on the matter if it was addressed to "friend and friend's boyfriend"? Seems like a lot of you would not have minded. Anyone who would? And why?  
    I might mind this if the guest knew other people at the wedding and was just substituting a random guest I have no connection to for the sake of bringing someone.  But if the guest truly knew no one at the wedding like it sounds is the situation here, I would be okay with it as I wouldn't want my friend to have a sucky time for not knowing anyone there.
    I'm in this boat as well. 
  • This happened at my wedding; an OOT couple, the husband couldnt make it in. She brought her sister. I actually preferred it because we had already confirmed our guests so the number came out well, and the sister was blast! 
    I think you're fine! 
  • The only time I'd have a problem with it is if the person substituted was someone who would not be welcome, like there was bad blood between myself and the sub.  I might be uncomfortable if I wasn't asked, though.  I may not speak for everyone here, but if I feel close enough to you to invite you to my wedding, we're close enough that you can ask me if you might make a substitution, if your situation changes.
  • lilacck28lilacck28 member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    edited April 2014
    @crazycatlady3 : this was why I started getting a little nervous, particularly if my friend was wrong about who was listed on her invitation (she doesn't always pay attention to details like that.) I started thinking about my future wedding, and how I would feel if the situation was reversed. We anticipate having a family + maybe 20 close friends between boyfriend and I. One part of me would be annoyed if a friend brought a substitute for significant other, because all of my best friends know each other and all of boyfriend's best friends know each other, but the other part of me understands wanting to bring someone to travel with. 

    @grumbledore : yeah, you're right. I didn't think of that at the time. We're very close though, and I can read her well. She seemed very happy (and grateful) then, and now, about me offering to go with her. I don't think I would suggest something like that to someone besides her.  

    And thanks for everyone's thoughts!
  • The only time I'd have a problem with it is if the person substituted was someone who would not be welcome, like there was bad blood between myself and the sub.  I might be uncomfortable if I wasn't asked, though.  I may not speak for everyone here, but if I feel close enough to you to invite you to my wedding, we're close enough that you can ask me if you might make a substitution, if your situation changes.
    I agree with this. If we have some subs - we wouldn't care - even if the SO was invited by name. BUT there are a couple situations we've discussed where person X could be the substitute someone was thinking about - and the answer would be no - due to past circumstances.
  • .... hard to say if you broke any rules. i'm no expert, but i think that if you are the "guest" she brings in lieu of her bf, and the bride wants to honor the invite being for 2 people, I don't see how it being you instead is any problem. maybe you jumped the gun in sort of inviting yourself, but that would be more of an "oops" in regards to your friend, but then again she invited herself to stay with you, so maybe you're even LOL :) i wouldn't worry about it.
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  • I think you are fine either way since your friend and her BF broke up after she RSVPed. She should call the bride and explain though. I would rather my friend come and bring someone she is comfortable with rather than not come. Also knowing how much weddings cost I would be okay with a substitution if it meant your friend and her date's meals weren't wasted.
  • I think you are fine either way since your friend and her BF broke up after she RSVPed. She should call the bride and explain though. I would rather my friend come and bring someone she is comfortable with rather than not come. Also knowing how much weddings cost I would be okay with a substitution if it meant your friend and her date's meals weren't wasted.
    I told my friend that I wouldn't feel comfortable coming if she didn't make sure it was okay with the bride. My friend and I spoke yesterday, and she said the bride okay'd it all. 
  • I think you're fine.  Also if the invite was for his name and the bride sitll okayed it I wouldn't worry any.  Personally I would rather my friends come with someone they're happy with then not come at all.  Especailly if they broke up with their bf, cause who wants to go to a wedding alone when they don't know many people?
  • I also think you're fine.  Since your friend was invited "and guest" and not with a specific date, I think you're okay to go with her, especially since the bride green-lighted it.
  • I think if she had already RSVP'd for them both, she was already expecting two people anways...I would allow it, just so I am not out the money unless it was someone i specifically didn't invite for a reason. 
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