I can't. This is me, can't-ing.

ElcaB · April 2014

An 11 year old's terminally ill father walked her down the aisle in a fake wedding since he will not get the opportunity to do so at her real wedding [link].

Does anyone else have issues with this? This little girl is eleven. She probably hasn't even started her period yet. She is nowhere near the legal marrying age, yet her father is walking her down the aisle in a fake wedding because he won't be around for her real one.

I'm sorry, but this rubs me the wrong way. I can't imagine how difficult it'd be to have a terminally ill parent, but to stage a fake wedding for the sake of walking a preteen down an aisle is a bit much. I know something similar was done awhile ago for an actual adult, and even then I was a little, "Really?" But this...I can't.

LakeR2014 · April 2014

I find nothing wrong with it. To me it's a memory the little girl will be able to hang on to on that special day she does get married. If she was older I might have thought about it twice, but not when she's so young. If they have the opportunity to do it and it's something that will give him and her peace of mind and a memory to hold on to, sign me up for attendance at the reception (just make sure I have a box of tissues on hand).

Cookie Pusher · April 2014

There was another thread on this yesterday: http://forums.theknot.com/discussion/1016667/11-year-old-walked-down-aisle-by-cancer-stricken-dad#latest

This was not the kid's idea and she doesn't exactly look thrilled in the pictures. It's just kind of... I don't know, it really rubs me the wrong way. Like, what, the ONLY important thing he's going to be missing is her wedding? What about graduation? First child? And what if she DOESN'T get married? As someone who did lose a parent, walking down the aisle was the last thing I thought of at the time, and it's one of the parts of planning my wedding that has caused me the least strife (I'm walking with my mother or by myself). But the other achievements in my life were, to me, far more momentous and hit me the hardest emotionally in terms of my dad not being there.

misscoffeeplease · April 2014

I'm not sure how I feel about it. I'm in between. I get the understand of why they are doing this but I think it's too much for an 11 year old to process. She already has to prepare herself when her father passes. Seeing the pictures was too much because I see the emotions built up in her daughter. That really broke my heart right there.

pinkshorts27 · April 2014

Fi lost his mom and he thought this was awful. Hee said he is more sad about her missing his graduations: high school, college, and from veterinary school (in 2 years). A wedding is a celebration of our love as a couple but those graduations are a celebration of his hard work and accomplishments. She was also a veterinarian and would have been so proud. Off course he would rather have her at the wedding than not, but talk about pressure. Is that girl going to think herself a failure if she doesn't get married? That was definitely more for the father than the girl

mbross3 · April 2014

I saw the other thread about this yesterday, but had to really think about it. It's such a sad, sad situation to lose a family member to cancer.

I think it sends the wrong message to a young girl--that her wedding day is supposed to be the best and most important day of her life. It says that she should be looking forward to the day she is given away to another man, by her father, from the time she is a child. Why are we teaching this to young girls? It's one thing to fall in love with a man/woman and want to marry them. It's another to instill in young girls that is the fact of a wedding or marriage that is important--when I think we should be teaching girls that they are so much more than their relationship status and that there are so many important days in their lives (getting accepted to college, graduating from college, getting their dream job, etc.).

I think this was mostly done for the benefit of the dad and that the time he has with his daughter should be spent in a way that makes her happy too and that won't give her nightmares in the future.

wandajune6 · April 2014

I posted about this yesterday. I don't like it at all.

Per the PPs though, it has me thinking. FI lost his dad 6 years ago after a long and ugly illness. He doesn't give much thought to the fact that his father won't be at his wedding but it bothers him that he never got to meet me. FI got married (and divorced) when he was very young to a woman his family hated. He's told me on multiple occasions how much his father would have liked me - and that means more to him than anything wedding related.

pinkshorts27 · April 2014

@wandajune6 that is exactly what I was getting at.

Drewsgirl31 · April 2014

wandajune6 said:
I posted about this yesterday. I don't like it at all.

Per the PPs though, it has me thinking. FI lost his dad 6 years ago after a long and ugly illness. He doesn't give much thought to the fact that his father won't be at his wedding but it bothers him that he never got to meet me. FI got married (and divorced) when he was very young to a woman his family hated. He's told me on multiple occasions how much his father would have liked me - and that means more to him than anything wedding related.

I think we have the same husband lol jk my husband has a similar story.

H dad passed away years before we met but he's told me on multiple occasions it's harder/sadder for him that he's not here to meet me or his grand kids

Sammyantha13 · April 2014

I am really touched by this...I don't really see a problem with it. My dad passed away a few years ago, rather unexpectedly from a rare form of non-Hodgkin's lymphoma. It was the summer before I was graduating from college. So yes, I agree that there are other life events that are just as/more important than a wedding (because when my graduation day came I was so upset that he wasn't there), but I think it's easier to stage a wedding as they did than to stage a graduation or something.

Maybe it is a little different for me because my FI and my dad really admired each other, so it's going to be hard on both of us to not have him at the wedding. He even asked my dad in the hospital if he could marry me, about a week before my dad died. Also, maybe I relate because my dad gave me a promise ring when I was around this girls age. I do see the turmoil and emotions on her face in the photos, but it's going to be hard on her either way, whether they did this wedding thing or not. I think once she grows up she will appreciate this memory, whether or not she herself gets married. But that is just my opinion. If we had had more foresight into how quickly my dad passed, I'm sure we would've made an effort to get one last family photo together, or something to create a memory. Right now I can't think of any pictures of just my dad and I together before he passed.

Sammyantha13 · April 2014

Oh, and a little story. Some of you might find this more disturbing than the wedding that those people did, but I'm trying to illustrate a point.

My dad had a great head of hair, and in the winter when he grew it out he used to part it down the middle, and I used to tease him by telling him it looked like a butt crack. It was a long running joke between us, and he would always do it just to annoy me. Once he started doing chemo his hair started falling out obviously.

The Christmas before he died, he gave me a little box. No one else in my family knew what it was. I opened it and it was all (or most?) of his hair that had fallen out of his head and he collected it and put it in the box with a note that said "You never liked how I styled my hair, so now I'm giving it to you so you can style it however you want." I know it seems so weird, but he did it to be funny, because he was a jokester like that. I laughed and then we both immediately started crying and I went over and we just hugged for five minutes, while my family was watching and crying. It was the closest moment I had with him before he died.

So my point is that from an outside perspective that seems really weird and pretty disturbing, but to me it was really touching knowing he planned that out and did something to surprise me, one last little joke to play on me. I kept the note that he put in the box. It's a memory that I'll always have.

grumbledore · April 2014

LakeR2014 said:

I find nothing wrong with it. To me it's a memory the little girl will be able to hang on to on that special day she does get married. If she was older I might have thought about it twice, but not when she's so young. If they have the opportunity to do it and it's something that will give him and her peace of mind and a memory to hold on to, sign me up for attendance at the reception (just make sure I have a box of tissues on hand).

It's so morbid, and it's going to be the only thing she can think of one day if she gets married and walks down the aisle. This was for the adults, NOT the child, and that's terrible. I have an almost-10 year old and I can tell you, she would never ask for something like this. It's fucked up.

Also it was posted already.

grumbledore · April 2014

Sammyantha13 said:

Oh, and a little story. Some of you might find this more disturbing than the wedding that those people did, but I'm trying to illustrate a point.

My dad had a great head of hair, and in the winter when he grew it out he used to part it down the middle, and I used to tease him by telling him it looked like a butt crack. It was a long running joke between us, and he would always do it just to annoy me. Once he started doing chemo his hair started falling out obviously.

The Christmas before he died, he gave me a little box. No one else in my family knew what it was. I opened it and it was all (or most?) of his hair that had fallen out of his head and he collected it and put it in the box with a note that said "You never liked how I styled my hair, so now I'm giving it to you so you can style it however you want." I know it seems so weird, but he did it to be funny, because he was a jokester like that. I laughed and then we both immediately started crying and I went over and we just hugged for five minutes, while my family was watching and crying. It was the closest moment I had with him before he died.

So my point is that from an outside perspective that seems really weird and pretty disturbing, but to me it was really touching knowing he planned that out and did something to surprise me, one last little joke to play on me. I kept the note that he put in the box. It's a memory that I'll always have.

I actually think that's really sweet. I'm so sorry you lost your dad. *hugs*

ElcaB · April 2014

Whoops, didn't see the current thread.

My issue is, she's not even getting married. She is 11. I would think it would be much more significant for her father to give her something to carry with her on her actual wedding day in the future. Or, write a letter for her to open on her wedding day, or a video to watch after she gets engaged.

Also, there were gifts. For who??? There was no wedding! The whole thing is just weird to me. And, as others pointed out, what if she never gets married?

@Sammyantha13, I see your point, but I don't think your dad's gift was weird because he wasn't staging a fake moment in your life. Also, I'm sorry to hear your dad passed away. I think it's really special that you have that gift to remember him by!

HisGirlFriday13 · April 2014

I posted in the original thread that I have huge, huge, HUGE issues with the fact that this was not her idea, and it was sprung on her, pre-planned, and she got no say in it. That's not OK.

I also hate, hate, HATE the surprise homecomings by parents, where the kids are in school and the deployed parent walks in.

I think those surprise homecomings do more damage than they do good, and I think they co-opt a kid's very real emotions and make that kid play those emotions out on a public stage.

I'm not in the military, I'm not the child of military parents, I've never faced this personally. But I know that those kids walk with a heavy burden -- not knowing when or even if their parents will come home. Springing a surprise on them is cruel, IMHO.

HERE and HERE are two good links on the subject.

climbingsingle · April 2014

Yeah, I'm not OK with this, mostly for all the reasons already posted.

jdluvr06 · April 2014

I'm not ok with this. My dad died when I was 8 and if we had known before hand and they tried to do something like that with me and my sister it would have devastating. It just magnifies the fact that he isn't going to be there for the real thing.

erinlin25 · April 2014

not a fan. She will still be sad on her wedding day when her dad is not there--this does nothing but remind her that he will not experience all these big milestones in her life. And personally I think the photographer used the situation for publicity.

RebeccaB88 · April 2014

Creepy, disturbing, and sad...for all the above reasons.

Lizzieyounce · April 2014

Sammyantha13 said:

Oh, and a little story. Some of you might find this more disturbing than the wedding that those people did, but I'm trying to illustrate a point.

My dad had a great head of hair, and in the winter when he grew it out he used to part it down the middle, and I used to tease him by telling him it looked like a butt crack. It was a long running joke between us, and he would always do it just to annoy me. Once he started doing chemo his hair started falling out obviously.

The Christmas before he died, he gave me a little box. No one else in my family knew what it was. I opened it and it was all (or most?) of his hair that had fallen out of his head and he collected it and put it in the box with a note that said "You never liked how I styled my hair, so now I'm giving it to you so you can style it however you want." I know it seems so weird, but he did it to be funny, because he was a jokester like that. I laughed and then we both immediately started crying and I went over and we just hugged for five minutes, while my family was watching and crying. It was the closest moment I had with him before he died.

So my point is that from an outside perspective that seems really weird and pretty disturbing, but to me it was really touching knowing he planned that out and did something to surprise me, one last little joke to play on me. I kept the note that he put in the box. It's a memory that I'll always have.

That is the sweetest story I have ever heard, and it made me cry. I'm sorry that you lost your dad.

I can't. This is me, can't-ing.

Re: I can't. This is me, can't-ing.

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