Polite way to clarify relationship status?

luckysnorkel · April 2014

Hi ladies,

I've been lurking on this board for a while. It's such a great resource and your advice is always so spot on, so I was hoping you could help me out:

One of my friends and soon-to-be wedding guests has kind of an ambiguous relationship situation going on. He's been seeing this one woman, who I'll call A, for four or five years. They have been long distance almost the entire duration of the relationship. I actually didn't even realize that they were still together until he brought A to a mutual friend's wedding last year. The reason I thought they were no longer together was that he's been casually seeing other women off and on for years. I assume this means he and A have an agreement worked out or something, but I don't know for sure -- he and A could potentially be on-again-off-again.

A couple months ago he brought a new woman, K, to lunch with a group of our friends. This was the only time I've met her; I've seen him at a couple social functions since and he's come by himself. So I'm not sure if they're still a thing. He also hasn't mentioned A in a long time. Facebook is a dead end for clues.

I've been hanging around here long enough to know that I need to put his significant other's name on his invitation, but I'm not sure he's even seeing A *or* K anymore. I also know the only way for me to get this information is to ask him, but that's where you guys come in. What's the most polite way to phrase it? He's very tight-lipped about his private life (hence all the ambiguity), so I don't want to pry, but I'm also afraid a general "who would you like to bring to our wedding?" might offend him, in case he is still seeing A after all these years.

Thanks in advance!

melbelleup · April 2014

luckysnorkel said:

Hi ladies,
I've been lurking on this board for a while. It's such a great resource and your advice is always so spot on, so I was hoping you could help me out:

One of my friends and soon-to-be wedding guests has kind of an ambiguous relationship situation going on. He's been seeing this one woman, who I'll call A, for four or five years. They have been long distance almost the entire duration of the relationship. I actually didn't even realize that they were still together until he brought A to a mutual friend's wedding last year. The reason I thought they were no longer together was that he's been casually seeing other women off and on for years. I assume this means he and A have an agreement worked out or something, but I don't know for sure -- he and A could potentially be on-again-off-again.

A couple months ago he brought a new woman, K, to lunch with a group of our friends. This was the only time I've met her; I've seen him at a couple social functions since and he's come by himself. So I'm not sure if they're still a thing. He also hasn't mentioned A in a long time. Facebook is a dead end for clues.

I've been hanging around here long enough to know that I need to put his significant other's name on his invitation, but I'm not sure he's even seeing A *or* K anymore. I also know the only way for me to get this information is to ask him, but that's where you guys come in. What's the most polite way to phrase it? He's very tight-lipped about his private life (hence all the ambiguity), so I don't want to pry, but I'm also afraid a general "who would you like to bring to our wedding?" might offend him, in case he is still seeing A after all these years.

Thanks in advance!

I'd just ask him if he's currently seeing someone and if so, what is their name. I wouldn't say it so openly as "who would you like to bring to our wedding" as that shows you want to give him a plus one, unless regardless of who he's dating, you're giving him a plus one.

ETA: If it's still "A" just say "great, I can't wait to see you guys at our wedding!"

APDSS22 · April 2014

You could ask him how to spell his date's name. This would backfire if he wasn't seeing anyone and wanted to go stag to your wedding, though. I would stick with asking him who he'd like to bring to your wedding.

HisGirlFriday13 · April 2014

First of all, if he's bringing other women to social events, he's not allowed to get offended if you ask about whom he's seeing.

I'd just say to him, 'Hey, Friend, I'm working on finalising our guest list, and I just wondered if you and A were still seeing each other and if I should invite her.'

That gives him the opening to say, 'No, A and I ended things, but I am seeing K now.'

KatWAG · April 2014

I would be straight forward. Call him and let him know you are working on your invites and want to know if he is currently dating anyone/ has a SO. If he says yes, then ask for a name. If he says no, then give him an " and guest" or invite him individually.

phira · April 2014

luckysnorkel said:

Hi ladies,
I've been lurking on this board for a while. It's such a great resource and your advice is always so spot on, so I was hoping you could help me out:

One of my friends and soon-to-be wedding guests has kind of an ambiguous relationship situation going on. He's been seeing this one woman, who I'll call A, for four or five years. They have been long distance almost the entire duration of the relationship. I actually didn't even realize that they were still together until he brought A to a mutual friend's wedding last year. The reason I thought they were no longer together was that he's been casually seeing other women off and on for years. I assume this means he and A have an agreement worked out or something, but I don't know for sure -- he and A could potentially be on-again-off-again.

A couple months ago he brought a new woman, K, to lunch with a group of our friends. This was the only time I've met her; I've seen him at a couple social functions since and he's come by himself. So I'm not sure if they're still a thing. He also hasn't mentioned A in a long time. Facebook is a dead end for clues.

I've been hanging around here long enough to know that I need to put his significant other's name on his invitation, but I'm not sure he's even seeing A *or* K anymore. I also know the only way for me to get this information is to ask him, but that's where you guys come in. What's the most polite way to phrase it? He's very tight-lipped about his private life (hence all the ambiguity), so I don't want to pry, but I'm also afraid a general "who would you like to bring to our wedding?" might offend him, in case he is still seeing A after all these years.

Thanks in advance!

I'm not in an identical situation, but I am in a slightly similar one. I've got a dear friend and bridesmaid who may not even want to bring a guest to the wedding, and her serious relationships often are not well-defined (intentionally), so I hate assuming that she'll bring any particular person.

Here's how I plan to handle the situation:

"Hey, somewhat awkward question. Would you like to bring B to the wedding? I didn't want to assume either way."

Sometimes just coming out with the fact that the question is awkward helps, and clarifying that you're asking because you didn't want to make a potentially rude or hurtful assumption. For your situation, I'd maybe go with something like:

"Hey, I've got an awkward question for you. I know that your personal life is just that--personal--so I don't want to make any assumptions about your relationship status. Are you seeing A or K? If you are, we'd like to invite them with you to the wedding. I really feel awful and awkward having to ask, so I'm sorry."

jules3964 · April 2014

Yeah, that's tough because you don't want to offend him if they are together... BUT he must understand that his on-again-off-again/dating other people thing creates a lot of ambiguity, so I don't see how he could take much offense.

If it were me, next time I see/talk to him, I'd casually be like, "So... how's A doing?" Then go from there based on his reaction, which hopefully will make things more clear. If it sounds like a sore subject and/or they've broken up, just say something like "oh, I was just thinking of her and wondering if you'd talked to her lately" and change the subject. Then maybe at another time ask him if there's anyone he'd like to bring to the wedding.

If it sounds like they're still together based on his reaction, I would invite them as a couple.

ETA: I agree with Phira's suggestion as well. Honesty can be a good way to ease the awkwardness.

sofakingmad · April 2014

What if he says that he is seeing them both?

KatWAG · April 2014

DragonBlood13 said:

What if he says that he is seeing them both?

Give him an 'and guest' and let him decide.

luckysnorkel · April 2014

DragonBlood13 said:

What if he says that he is seeing them both?

That's a good question. I'd ask him who he would prefer to bring in that case. And if he wanted to bring them both (and they were both okay with that), I'd extend the invitation to all three. My bridesmaid is in a polyamorous triad so I'm pretty open-minded when it comes to alternative relationships.

mbross3 · April 2014

DragonBlood13 said:

What if he says that he is seeing them both?

In this case I would ask him who he wants to bring to the wedding. I am not engaged (so not planning a wedding) so I haven't thought about invites, but I have two close friends who are polyamorous. One of these friends was invited to a wedding that I was in this winter. They brought both of their current partners to the wedding (both partners were invited by name on the invite). However, it's possible for people to just date multiple people but not identify as poly and those dating partners may identify as monogamous or polyamorous themselves. It can get complicated and the best thing to do, no matter how awkward, is to just ask.

phira · April 2014

DragonBlood13 said:

What if he says that he is seeing them both?

"Ah, gotcha. How about we give you 'and Guest?' That way, you can decide who to bring, or if you even want to bring someone. Is that okay?"

PrettyGirlLost · April 2014

DragonBlood13 said:

What if he says that he is seeing them both?

He needs to pick one then? No one in my social group is poly, so that is just my smart ass response.

I would just call him up, or text him, or FB Message him- however you guys normally communicate, and tell him you are working on your guest list and you need his mailing address, and if he is seeing anyone the correct spelling of her name.

Then it's up to him to decide who he wants to bring, if either of those girls, and to tell you he is poly and he wants to bring both if that is the case.

sofakingmad · April 2014

I was just playing devil's advocate really, but it's something to think about in case it ever comes up.

grumbledore · April 2014

"Hey, FriendName, how's tricks? I'm trying to finalize our guest list for the wedding and wanted to check and see how things are going with A? Oh, you're not seeing A anymore? Is there anyone else you've been seeing who you'd like to bring?"

PrettyGirlLost · April 2014

DragonBlood13 said:

I was just playing devil's advocate really, but it's something to think about in case it ever comes up.

No, I agree.

luckysnorkel · April 2014

Thanks to all who have responded, you've been really helpful!

Also just as a side note, it wasn't me who asked the question of what if he is seeing both of them, although I do appreciate DragonBlood13 bringing it up and the additional discussion it spurred

KRD2014 · April 2014

my thought is, if you're close enough that he's bringing *both* ladies around, and he's not hiding the fact that he's potentially seeing 2 people, then you're close enough to ask something like "I'd like to list your significant other by name on our invitations. Who would you like me to put down?"

KRD2014 · April 2014

... or you could just ask "It seems like I haven't seen A in a while.. Are you still dating? If you are we'd love to list her name on the invitation."

huskypuppy14 · April 2014

Here's a question: Where does it end in the amount of guests one person can bring? I could see allowing a wedding guest who is in a triad (?) to bring both of his SO. However, would you allow someone to bring his 5 wives (for example).

I hope I don't offend anyone; I'm genuinely curious what people think?

lc07 · April 2014

I would tell him I'm working on invites. Would he like me to address his to him and guest or to him and a name a significant other.

KittyKaty20 · April 2014

laurynm84 said:

Here's a question: Where does it end in the amount of guests one person can bring? I could see allowing a wedding guest who is in a triad (?) to bring both of his SO. However, would you allow someone to bring his 5 wives (for example).

I hope I don't offend anyone; I'm genuinely curious what people think?

IMO, we as hosts are required to invite our guests' Significant OTHER. As in, singular. Regardless of personal views, the most widely accepted social units (in the United States of America) involve 2 consenting adults. And I'm pretty sure that marriage, tax status', and the like is only valid for 2 people.

The only exception I could see would be if your husband/five wives combos were consistently together as a social unit. But, I would guess that if you had friends who were in polyamourous/polygamist relationships, you wouldn't want to leave any of them off the guest list.

SewInLoveWithDMB · April 2014

What I am wondering is if two adults are invited, and do not live together (OP mentioned it was a long-distance relationship for at least some portion of the relationship), wouldn't the woman's invite go to her own home, rather than listed on the man's invite?

From a true etiquette standpoint, would that be the correct way to do it?

In this case, although it might not be absolutely correct, I would address the invite to the male "and Guest."

I am not the type of person who would want to ask this flat out, even if the person is a close enough friend to be invited. I feel I would be awkward either way ("Of course I'm bringing A" or "A and I broke up years ago, that's why you met K.") Figuring if neither live with him anyway, "and Guest" covers all the bases. And, possibly, it's no longer asking for a definite date, but an address as well. A (or K) may receive the invite and think "Who?"

I know that being referred to as "guest" sucks, and I know it isn't proper - but presumably A or K would never see the outer envelope, and it keeps the man's personal life out of the equation. It also means he may bring neither A nor K, but X.

Just my thoughts...

HisGirlFriday13 · April 2014

SewInLoveWithDMB said:

What I am wondering is if two adults are invited, and do not live together (OP mentioned it was a long-distance relationship for at least some portion of the relationship), wouldn't the woman's invite go to her own home, rather than listed on the man's invite?

From a true etiquette standpoint, would that be the correct way to do it?

In this case, although it might not be absolutely correct, I would address the invite to the male "and Guest."

I am not the type of person who would want to ask this flat out, even if the person is a close enough friend to be invited. I feel I would be awkward either way ("Of course I'm bringing A" or "A and I broke up years ago, that's why you met K.") Figuring if neither live with him anyway, "and Guest" covers all the bases. And, possibly, it's no longer asking for a definite date, but an address as well. A (or K) may receive the invite and think "Who?"

I know that being referred to as "guest" sucks, and I know it isn't proper - but presumably A or K would never see the outer envelope, and it keeps the man's personal life out of the equation. It also means he may bring neither A nor K, but X.

Just my thoughts...

I think the bolded would depend on how well the inviter knows the invitee.

Ex.; One of my BFFs wasn't living with her BF when I got married, and they were in an LDR. I sent the invite to her, with his name on it, at her address, because he didn't know me well enough to know why I'd be sending him an invite. I kind of imagined him going, 'Who the hell is HisGirl and HisGirl DH and why are they inviting me to their three-states-away wedding?'

But I think that's a know-your-crowd, know-your-friends, case-by-case decision.

JCbride2015 · April 2014

laurynm84 said:

Here's a question: Where does it end in the amount of guests one person can bring? I could see allowing a wedding guest who is in a triad (?) to bring both of his SO. However, would you allow someone to bring his 5 wives (for example).

I hope I don't offend anyone; I'm genuinely curious what people think?

Interesting. Are you thinking a sister wives situation?

I'm not friends with anybody in a poly relationship, but I think that if I were close enough friends with Kody Brown to invite him to my wedding, I'd invite all his SOs. So I'd also invite (let's see if I can remember this) Janelle, Robin, Meri, and Christine.

But what if only Christine is my friend? Her only SO is Kody.... but the entire relationship contains 5 people. So maybe I'd just ask her what she wants.

Fascinating. Now I really wonder what happens when they get invited to weddings of people who aren't Fundamentalists themselves.

HisGirlFriday13 · April 2014

JCBride2014 said:

laurynm84 said:

Here's a question: Where does it end in the amount of guests one person can bring? I could see allowing a wedding guest who is in a triad (?) to bring both of his SO. However, would you allow someone to bring his 5 wives (for example).

I hope I don't offend anyone; I'm genuinely curious what people think?

Interesting. Are you thinking a sister wives situation?

I'm not friends with anybody in a poly relationship, but I think that if I were close enough friends with Kody Brown to invite him to my wedding, I'd invite all his SOs. So I'd also invite (let's see if I can remember this) Janelle, Robin, Meri, and Christine.

But what if only Christine is my friend? Her only SO is Kody.... but the entire relationship contains 5 people. So maybe I'd just ask her what she wants.

Fascinating. Now I really wonder what happens when they get invited to weddings of people who aren't Fundamentalists themselves.

Me, too!!

I think, if it were me, I'd parse it the way you are -- if I'm friends with the man, then all his SOs come, because they're all part of his social unit. But if I'm friends with one of the wives, I'd probably invite just her and him, because her sister-wives aren't her social unit.

Or are they? Now I'm confused. And curious.

APDSS22 · April 2014

HisGirlFriday13 said:

JCBride2014 said:

laurynm84 said:

Here's a question: Where does it end in the amount of guests one person can bring? I could see allowing a wedding guest who is in a triad (?) to bring both of his SO. However, would you allow someone to bring his 5 wives (for example).

I hope I don't offend anyone; I'm genuinely curious what people think?

Interesting. Are you thinking a sister wives situation?

I'm not friends with anybody in a poly relationship, but I think that if I were close enough friends with Kody Brown to invite him to my wedding, I'd invite all his SOs. So I'd also invite (let's see if I can remember this) Janelle, Robin, Meri, and Christine.

But what if only Christine is my friend? Her only SO is Kody.... but the entire relationship contains 5 people. So maybe I'd just ask her what she wants.

Fascinating. Now I really wonder what happens when they get invited to weddings of people who aren't Fundamentalists themselves.

Me, too!!

I think, if it were me, I'd parse it the way you are -- if I'm friends with the man, then all his SOs come, because they're all part of his social unit. But if I'm friends with one of the wives, I'd probably invite just her and him, because her sister-wives aren't her social unit.

Or are they? Now I'm confused. And curious.

I think they would be considered a social unit as a family, but as a couple if your main guest is one of the wives, I would think it would be acceptable to only invite that wife and the man as her guest. Of course, with how tight knit relationships like that of sister wives appear to be (from tv as I've never met people adhering to this lifestyle in real life) I would think you'd know at least most of the wives socially if you knew one and inviting them all would be akin to inviting a "circle". You wouldn't invite everyone but one or two coworker(s) from your office of 6 people so it would be easier to invite the whole unit to avoid conflict and favoritism.

MrsMarende · April 2014

I would ask him by saying "We are finalizing our invitations, will you be bringing someone specific or would you prefer to just have a plus one."

It doesn't sound like he has anything substantial going on.

JellyBean52513 · April 2014

Am I the only one who would ask "Hey friend, we're in the midst of going through our guest list and addressing the invites, and I gotta be honest, I can't keep up with you and who you're dating these days. Do you have a SO that you'd like to attend with?" I find that straightforwardness works best for me; I'm not a beat-around-the-bush type of person. Plus, if someone makes the choice to live their life shrouded in mystery, then they leave others no choice but to be confused and to speculate when situations like this come up. Actions have consequences, after all.

If he says no, then I'd say "Alright, just wanted to make sure we didn't leave out your SO if you had one" and either give him a plus one or not. If he says yes, I'd say "Awesome, we can't wait to celebrate with you both at the wedding!"

cruffino · April 2014

I will fully admit to hardcore judging a "sister wives" situation. Can't stomach it.

Polite way to clarify relationship status?

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