Unofficial Bridesmaids

brittanyanne522 · April 2014

Hi

I am in the very early stages of planning my wedding. I would love to include my closest girlfriends including sisters in my wedding party but, my groom has like 1 friend and a brother that he would even consider being groomsmen. I am also not even positive if we will have a true ceremony or just a small private ceremony at the courthouse. Either way we will have a casual reception. But I definitely want a bridal shower!! Does this sound psychotic?! I feel like I will need some unofficial bridesmaids to help with some of the duties on that day though. Anyone have any suggestions??

QueerFemme · April 2014

brittanyanne522 said:

Hi

I am in the very early stages of planning my wedding. I would love to include my closest girlfriends including sisters in my wedding party but, my groom has like 1 friend and a brother that he would even consider being groomsmen. I am also not even positive if we will have a true ceremony or just a small private ceremony at the courthouse. Either way we will have a casual reception. But I definitely want a bridal shower!! Does this sound psychotic?! I feel like I will need some unofficial bridesmaids to help with some of the duties on that day though. Anyone have any suggestions??

Official, or unofficial, there is no such thing as a bridesmaid duty. If someone wants to throw you a bridal shower, they can do that without being a bridesmaid. And, if they are a bridesmaid, they still don't have to throw you a shower. If someone offers a shower, you can gladly accept, but, only if someone offers.

Secondly, you don't need to have even sides. If you have 4 bridesmaids at your wedding and your FI has one groomsman, that's fine. However, I would not have bridesmaids if you are having a JOP/courthouse wedding. Often, there is room for one or two witnesses at a JOP wedding, and that's it. You don't need a wedding party.

MollyandD · April 2014

I want a shower too, but I never brought it up. Luckily, it was offered to me by my maid of honor and sisters. It's not something that a bride can politely ask for. You should decide what kind of wedding you want first, because everyone invited to the shower should be invited to the wedding. If you want a small wedding, then if you get offered a bridal shower (which could be offered by anyone, not just bridal party), give the host a small guest list.

singinchick13 · April 2014

Being a bridesmaid is not a 'job' it is an honour bestowed on your nearest and dearest who you would like standing beside you when you say your vows. If they will not be doing this, they are not bridesmaids. You don't get to decide whether or not someone throws you a shower. You should probably lurk a bit and read several posts on here before proceeding any further.

MobKaz · April 2014

brittanyanne522 said:

Hi

I am in the very early stages of planning my wedding. I would love to include my closest girlfriends including sisters in my wedding party but, my groom has like 1 friend and a brother that he would even consider being groomsmen. I am also not even positive if we will have a true ceremony or just a small private ceremony at the courthouse. Either way we will have a casual reception. But I definitely want a bridal shower!! Does this sound psychotic?! I feel like I will need some unofficial bridesmaids to help with some of the duties on that day though. Anyone have any suggestions??

You don't always get what you want. You could have 20 bridesmaids, and if none of them offer to host a bridal shower, too bad, so sad. If you are having a small private ceremony, there will be no duties. Official or not, there is NO such thing as bridesmaid duties.

You can only invite to a shower those whom you invite to your wedding ceremony. If you have a small private ceremony, the only guests you can invite to a bridal shower are those you invited to the ceremony. And by "you", I do NOT mean YOU, OP, because a bride cannot host her own wedding shower.

kmmssg · April 2014

So you want to bestow a BS title on some of your friends so they will throw you a shower and be your gopher on your wedding day? Um, NO.

HisGirlFriday13 · April 2014

brittanyanne522 said:
Hi

I am in the very early stages of planning my wedding. I would love to include my closest girlfriends including sisters in my wedding party but, my groom has like 1 friend and a brother that he would even consider being groomsmen. I am also not even positive if we will have a true ceremony or just a small private ceremony at the courthouse. Either way we will have a casual reception. But I definitely want a bridal shower!! Does this sound psychotic?! I feel like I will need some unofficial bridesmaids to help with some of the duties on that day though. Anyone have any suggestions??

1. Your sides do not have to be even.
2. You abso-fucking-lutely may not give someone a made up title in the hopes that they will throw you a bridal shower. That's tacky and rude.
3. Your WP's only duties are to show up on time, sober, and in the right attire. Nothing else.
4. You may not have people throw you pre-wedding parties if you do not plan to invite them to your wedding. All people invited to all pre-wedding parties must be invited to the wedding.

brittanyanne522 · April 2014

Whoa Whoa I think my post was completely misunderstood!

As far as duties, I meant silly things like picking out flowers & placecards etc. ( the kind of things girls like to do and guys don't!) I did NOT mean using people and giving them a title for the sole reason of having a shower, I would never do that!!! I meant unofficial as in I wouldn't require them to purchase a bridesmaid dress or all that expensive nonsense that goes along with it! I know personally how expensive it is these days to be in a wedding.

My sister and mother have already expressed that they would like to throw me a bridal shower.I guess my question was IF anyone else has gotten married or planning on getting married at JOP, was it weird to have a shower thrown for you even if you weren't having a big traditional wedding ceremony and reception.

Simply Fated · April 2014

brittanyanne522 said:

Hi

I am in the very early stages of planning my wedding. I would love to include my closest girlfriends including sisters in my wedding party but, my groom has like 1 friend and a brother that he would even consider being groomsmen. I am also not even positive if we will have a true ceremony or just a small private ceremony at the courthouse. Either way we will have a casual reception. But I definitely want a bridal shower!! Does this sound psychotic?! I feel like I will need some unofficial bridesmaids to help with some of the duties on that day though. Anyone have any suggestions??

You don't need even sides. Even if the ratio is 2:19.

Your bridal party should absolutely be invited to the ceremony. So, you should wait until you have a better idea of what sort of ceremony you want before you ask anyone.

Having any bridesmaids doesn't guarantee you a bridal shower, so take that out of the equation.

You can't just assign random titles to people in hopes they help you with your wedding chores. If you need help, ask your groom or hire a Day of Co-ordinator. If you really need help, I think it's okay to ask a friend, but if they say no, no means no. Giving them the title of bridesmaid, unofficial bridesmaid or Wedding Helper isn't going to automatically make them HAVE to help you. Plan the wedding you want and within your means. This way, if no one can help you, you aren't screwed.

HisGirlFriday13 · April 2014

brittanyanne522 said:
Whoa Whoa I think my post was completely misunderstood!

As far as duties, I meant silly things like picking out flowers & placecards etc. ( the kind of things girls like to do and guys don't!) I did NOT mean using people and giving them a title for the sole reason of having a shower, I would never do that!!! I meant unofficial as in I wouldn't require them to purchase a bridesmaid dress or all that expensive nonsense that goes along with it! I know personally how expensive it is these days to be in a wedding.
My sister and mother have already expressed that they would like to throw me a bridal shower.I guess my question was IF anyone else has gotten married or planning on getting married at JOP, was it weird to have a shower thrown for you even if you weren't having a big traditional wedding ceremony and reception.

It's still not their job to pick out flowers or escort cards. You have a FI for that.

And I reiterate my earlier point that you may not have a shower and invite people to shower you with gifts whom you do not intend to invite to the wedding.

ALL people invited to ANY pre-wedding parties MUST be invited to the wedding.

Simply Fated · April 2014

brittanyanne522 said:

Whoa Whoa I think my post was completely misunderstood!

As far as duties, I meant silly things like picking out flowers & placecards etc. ( the kind of things girls like to do and guys don't!) I did NOT mean using people and giving them a title for the sole reason of having a shower, I would never do that!!! I meant unofficial as in I wouldn't require them to purchase a bridesmaid dress or all that expensive nonsense that goes along with it! I know personally how expensive it is these days to be in a wedding.
My sister and mother have already expressed that they would like to throw me a bridal shower.I guess my question was IF anyone else has gotten married or planning on getting married at JOP, was it weird to have a shower thrown for you even if you weren't having a big traditional wedding ceremony and reception.

Please don't give in to gender stereotypes. Just because women are women, does not mean they like picking out flowers and place cards. Some guys do like doing those things, especially if it's for their own wedding.

No matter how big or small your wedding is or how many people you invite, everyone who is invited to the shower should also be invited to both the ceremony and the reception.

CMGragain · April 2014

brittanyanne522 said:

Whoa Whoa I think my post was completely misunderstood!

As far as duties, I meant silly things like picking out flowers & placecards etc. ( the kind of things girls like to do and guys don't!) I did NOT mean using people and giving them a title for the sole reason of having a shower, I would never do that!!! I meant unofficial as in I wouldn't require them to purchase a bridesmaid dress or all that expensive nonsense that goes along with it! I know personally how expensive it is these days to be in a wedding.
My sister and mother have already expressed that they would like to throw me a bridal shower.I guess my question was IF anyone else has gotten married or planning on getting married at JOP, was it weird to have a shower thrown for you even if you weren't having a big traditional wedding ceremony and reception.
1. There is no such thing as an "honorary bridesmaid". It does not exist.
2. If you are planning on a JOP wedding, you may NOT have a bridal shower, because everyone who is invited to your bridal shower MUST also be invited to your wedding. No bachelorette parties, either!
3. Slow down. Do not discuss your wedding plans with anyone until you have decided what kind of wedding you will have. There are many options, and it will be very embarrassing if you change your plans after you have already told people about them.

chibiyui · April 2014

Simply Fated said:

brittanyanne522 said:

Whoa Whoa I think my post was completely misunderstood!

As far as duties, I meant silly things like picking out flowers & placecards etc. ( the kind of things girls like to do and guys don't!) I did NOT mean using people and giving them a title for the sole reason of having a shower, I would never do that!!! I meant unofficial as in I wouldn't require them to purchase a bridesmaid dress or all that expensive nonsense that goes along with it! I know personally how expensive it is these days to be in a wedding.
My sister and mother have already expressed that they would like to throw me a bridal shower.I guess my question was IF anyone else has gotten married or planning on getting married at JOP, was it weird to have a shower thrown for you even if you weren't having a big traditional wedding ceremony and reception.

Please don't give in to gender stereotypes. Just because women are women, does not mean they like picking out flowers and place cards. Some guys do like doing those things, especially if it's for their own wedding.

No matter how big or small your wedding is or how many people you invite, everyone who is invited to the shower should also be invited to both the ceremony and the reception.

Word. FI has been very involved in the planning of our wedding. He has his own vision for the day, and I have mine. Somehow we have come up with a harmonious joining of the two visions.

Okay, it's not harmonious, it's a cacophony. But it's US. :P

pinkshorts27 · April 2014

Simply Fated said:

brittanyanne522 said:

Whoa Whoa I think my post was completely misunderstood!

As far as duties, I meant silly things like picking out flowers & placecards etc. ( the kind of things girls like to do and guys don't!) I did NOT mean using people and giving them a title for the sole reason of having a shower, I would never do that!!! I meant unofficial as in I wouldn't require them to purchase a bridesmaid dress or all that expensive nonsense that goes along with it! I know personally how expensive it is these days to be in a wedding.
My sister and mother have already expressed that they would like to throw me a bridal shower.I guess my question was IF anyone else has gotten married or planning on getting married at JOP, was it weird to have a shower thrown for you even if you weren't having a big traditional wedding ceremony and reception.

Please don't give in to gender stereotypes. Just because women are women, does not mean they like picking out flowers and place cards. Some guys do like doing those things, especially if it's for their own wedding.

No matter how big or small your wedding is or how many people you invite, everyone who is invited to the shower should also be invited to both the ceremony and the reception.

This. So much this. It really bothers me. FI is so into flowers. Not normally, but when it comes to our wedding he is really excited! He cared more about the flowers than I did and came up with the ideas for our STDs. He is also excited to pick out fonts to table names and place cards. So please don't generalize based on stereotypes.

As a woman in engineering I hear all sorts of stereotypes and it can actually hurt me at my job, so I really hate it when people perpetuate them.

jneen101 · April 2014

brittanyanne522 said:

Does this sound psychotic?! I

Yes.

LondonLisa · April 2014

I think everyone has covered it already, but I would also like to reiterate the point that it is fine to have a shower thrown for you for a JOP wedding, but only people invited to the ceremony/reception should be invited. It is rude to invite anyone to a pre-wedding party (shower/ Hen do/etc) and not to the wedding.

The only question you should ask yourself if you want this person to be in your WP is: "Can I imagine getting married without this person standing next to me and supporting me?" If the answer is yes, have them be a BM. Sides don't need to be even and they don't all have to be women! Just pick the people that you love and care.

All "duties" are still not required, if someone offers to help, then great. But just because someone is a BM doesn't mean they have to spend time picking out types of confetti.

HisGirlFriday13 · April 2014

chibiyui said:

Simply Fated said:

brittanyanne522 said:

Whoa Whoa I think my post was completely misunderstood!

As far as duties, I meant silly things like picking out flowers & placecards etc. ( the kind of things girls like to do and guys don't!) I did NOT mean using people and giving them a title for the sole reason of having a shower, I would never do that!!! I meant unofficial as in I wouldn't require them to purchase a bridesmaid dress or all that expensive nonsense that goes along with it! I know personally how expensive it is these days to be in a wedding.
My sister and mother have already expressed that they would like to throw me a bridal shower.I guess my question was IF anyone else has gotten married or planning on getting married at JOP, was it weird to have a shower thrown for you even if you weren't having a big traditional wedding ceremony and reception.

Please don't give in to gender stereotypes. Just because women are women, does not mean they like picking out flowers and place cards. Some guys do like doing those things, especially if it's for their own wedding.

No matter how big or small your wedding is or how many people you invite, everyone who is invited to the shower should also be invited to both the ceremony and the reception.

Word. FI has been very involved in the planning of our wedding. He has his own vision for the day, and I have mine. Somehow we have come up with a harmonious joining of the two visions.

Okay, it's not harmonious, it's a cacophony. But it's US. :P

THIS. This was our wedding, too. It was a blending of our visions for our wedding day that accurately represented us as a couple even if it wasn't terribly cohesive.

bananasplit472001 · April 2014

There is no such thing as unofficial bridesmaids. My sister is doing the same thing. I am MOH at her wedding and then she has her close friends as Bridesmaids. Let me tell you that me and my mother just planned and hosted her entire shower and all of the bridesmaids did nothing. There is no title that can make someone help or force them to throw a shower. Honestly If you want a shower tell your mother, MIL, aunt etc. Maybe one or all of them will throw one for you. But trust me do not rely on any bridesmaid official or unofficial to throw you a party or do any work for your wedding. It's more frustration than it is worth.

Emmy1493 · April 2014

Yeah, no. There is no un-official bridesmaid. They either are, or are not bridesmaids. You don't have "un-official friends" do you? You really should treat the BM the same. They are your nearest and dearest, not props. Not wedding planners and certainly not party planners. Think about that when deciding on your wedding, because you only get one.

climbingsingle · April 2014

brittanyanne522 said:

Whoa Whoa I think my post was completely misunderstood!

As far as duties, I meant silly things like picking out flowers & placecards etc. ( the kind of things girls like to do and guys don't!) I did NOT mean using people and giving them a title for the sole reason of having a shower, I would never do that!!! I meant unofficial as in I wouldn't require them to purchase a bridesmaid dress or all that expensive nonsense that goes along with it! I know personally how expensive it is these days to be in a wedding.
My sister and mother have already expressed that they would like to throw me a bridal shower.I guess my question was IF anyone else has gotten married or planning on getting married at JOP, was it weird to have a shower thrown for you even if you weren't having a big traditional wedding ceremony and reception.

Your FI should be helping you pick these things out, not your bridesmaids.

jessiray · April 2014

blueeyes90 said:

Simply Fated said:

brittanyanne522 said:

Whoa Whoa I think my post was completely misunderstood!

As far as duties, I meant silly things like picking out flowers & placecards etc. ( the kind of things girls like to do and guys don't!) I did NOT mean using people and giving them a title for the sole reason of having a shower, I would never do that!!! I meant unofficial as in I wouldn't require them to purchase a bridesmaid dress or all that expensive nonsense that goes along with it! I know personally how expensive it is these days to be in a wedding.
My sister and mother have already expressed that they would like to throw me a bridal shower.I guess my question was IF anyone else has gotten married or planning on getting married at JOP, was it weird to have a shower thrown for you even if you weren't having a big traditional wedding ceremony and reception.

Please don't give in to gender stereotypes. Just because women are women, does not mean they like picking out flowers and place cards. Some guys do like doing those things, especially if it's for their own wedding.

No matter how big or small your wedding is or how many people you invite, everyone who is invited to the shower should also be invited to both the ceremony and the reception.

This. So much this. It really bothers me. FI is so into flowers. Not normally, but when it comes to our wedding he is really excited! He cared more about the flowers than I did and came up with the ideas for our STDs. He is also excited to pick out fonts to table names and place cards. So please don't generalize based on stereotypes.

As a woman in engineering I hear all sorts of stereotypes and it can actually hurt me at my job, so I really hate it when people perpetuate them.

Yep...

Cookie Pusher · April 2014

Neither of my BMs give a rat's ass about any details of my wedding other than what time and where. Neither of them even wanted to go look at dresses - they told me to pick something and they'd wear it. They looked at me like I had 3 heads when I asked them what they thought of the bouquets I made. Literally, zero interest whatsoever. And these are girly-girls who love shopping, putting on makeup, and "E! Fashion Police". Most of my female friends really don't care either - they have more important things to do, like go to work and parent their children. FI and I are on our own with planning this wedding, and really, that works just fine for us!

zitiqueen · April 2014

Hell, I barely gave a rat's ass about the details of my wedding.

grumbledore · April 2014

brittanyanne522 said:

Hi

I am in the very early stages of planning my wedding. I would love to include my closest girlfriends including sisters in my wedding party but, my groom has like 1 friend and a brother that he would even consider being groomsmen. I am also not even positive if we will have a true ceremony or just a small private ceremony at the courthouse. Either way we will have a casual reception. But I definitely want a bridal shower!! Does this sound psychotic?! I feel like I will need some unofficial bridesmaids to help with some of the duties on that day though. Anyone have any suggestions??

Yes, it sounds psychotic. And you can't have a bridal shower unless someone offers to throw you one and if they do they should only invite people who are actually invited to the wedding, which sounds iffy in your post.

I get that you want presents, but someone is either a bridesmaid or not and you shouldn't ask them just so they can throw you a party. Not to mention there is no guarantee they would even offer. And what duties?

So much wrong with this.

CC0805 · April 2014

B

cmclaire · April 2014

Another 'there's no such thing as BM duties' devotee here. I have a big WP, but at no point have I expected them to do anything bar buy a dress, and rock up looking like their usual gorgeous selves.

Now, some of the girls are doing things (one planned a hilarious hen do, a couple of others are putting together a small shower), but that's because they (very kindly) offered. Similarly, some of them have emailed/called about wedding details, because they find that fun. Others could give two hoots, others are wicked busy with babies/ work / life in general....and that's okay too. So long as they are there beside me on my big day, I'll be happy as a clam.

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