"Now I know how it feels" --Longtime Lurker (vent)

Sioux1986 · April 2014

Hi ladies!

I have been a longtime (over a year) lurker on the etiquette board and you have all taught me so much! I used to think most etiquette rules were backward and stuffy, but you have shown me the light. Now that I'm engaged and planning my own wedding, I am armed with some serious knowledge about how to properly host and treat my guests. But, really the point was driven home for me last night.

A few nights ago, my fiance came home and mentioned that his coworker (that he is pretty much work husbands with) asked for our address. Now, I knew this coworker of his is getting married at the end of the month. I said "are we invited to the wedding? They are sending out invites a little late!" Then a light bulb went off....we were probably B-listed! I mentioned this to him and his attitude is "well, who cares? At least we get to go!"

Fast forward to last night...a thick heavy envelope in our mailbox addressed to "Mr. Fiance's Name and Guest." I literally stood in the middle of my building's lobby saying "AND GUEST?!" over and over. What in the world? AND GUEST? I have met this couple many times, and the groom was instrumental in helping my fiance plan our proposal....but I'm just a guest? Really?!?!? When my FI got home last night, I told him I hope he has a hot date for that night because he can bring "a guest."

He couldn't understand why I was so bent out of shape. He was all "The bride's parents are loaded, the wedding is gonna be a blast! Her parents sent us the invite, they just didn't know your name." Ok.....so they took the time to get our address and YOUR NAME but not mine? The groom couldn't send them my name? Also, it was confirmed we were b-listed as the groom said to FI "yeah, we had like 10 people RSVP no so you guys can come!" Thanks....I guess?

This is why etiquette is important. Not only does it make me judge the hell out of you and your manners (no matter how rich you are!) but also it just hurts people's feelings if you do it wrong. No idea if we are actually going to go. I guess her rich parents can throw a pricey blow out, but not enough money in the world can buy you class.

Gerbertmcway · April 2014

Well good thing your fiancé was invited to bring a guest seeing as he wants to go and you don't. It works out perfectly.

RebeccaFlower · April 2014

That's great you know, but it's people like you FI who kind of make bad etiquette okay since it doesn't seem to bother him.

grumbledore · April 2014

You're right, no amount of money buys class.

larrygaga · April 2014

SOO My FI received and invite for a cousin's wedding that had me as "and guest". I've been in the family for 7 years longer than the cousin. So we decided that FI should bring a friend that the couple doesn't like, but it ended up he couldn't go anyway because of work. I refuse to go to a PPD of some lame ass girl who has no respect for the family.

You should have seen FMIL throw a fit about the "and guest".

Sioux1986 · April 2014

RebeccaFlower said:

That's great you know, but it's people like you FI who kind of make bad etiquette okay since it doesn't seem to bother him.

Er, I'm not sure how he's enabling them for bad etiquette, as we have not decided if we are going yet. However, I don't see the point of possibly damaging his relationship with his friend (the groom) just because the bride's parents are rude. Honestly, this is a case of ignorance, not defiance so I don't think it's productive to just not go....

Also, even though I'm "new" here or whatever and I've read the posts here for months now, and see new-comers getting butt-hurt when they don't like advice and feeling "attacked," but I got say a comment like "people like your fiance...." is alienating.

Edited to fix: I don't think it's productive TO just not go

Sioux1986 · April 2014

larrygaga said:

SOO My FI received and invite for a cousin's wedding that had me as "and guest". I've been in the family for 7 years longer than the cousin. So we decided that FI should bring a friend that the couple doesn't like, but it ended up he couldn't go anyway because of work. I refuse to go to a PPD of some lame ass girl who has no respect for the family.

You should have seen FMIL throw a fit about the "and guest".

That's brilliant!!!

Alikat9614 · April 2014

I think we are and guesting maybe 10 people for our wedding. As of now, they are all single, and quite a few are making a decent drive (5+ hours) if they are able to come. My mom's best friend has already told her she will be bringing her daughter with her, so Ms. Mom'sfriend and Ms. Mom'sfriendsdaughter will be invited by name. It's not that hard to find names, you just have to be willing to call/email/FB the right people. And in my case, hound FI for names and LAST names.

Sioux1986 · April 2014

Aschondel84 said:

I think we are and guesting maybe 10 people for our wedding. As of now, they are all single, and quite a few are making a decent drive (5+ hours) if they are able to come. My mom's best friend has already told her she will be bringing her daughter with her, so Ms. Mom'sfriend and Ms. Mom'sfriendsdaughter will be invited by name. It's not that hard to find names, you just have to be willing to call/email/FB the right people. And in my case, hound FI for names and LAST names.

*STUCK IN BOX*
This is what I figure most etiquette minded people do!

APDSS22 · April 2014

Aschondel84 said:

I think we are and guesting maybe 10 people for our wedding. As of now, they are all single, and quite a few are making a decent drive (5+ hours) if they are able to come. My mom's best friend has already told her she will be bringing her daughter with her, so Ms. Mom'sfriend and Ms. Mom'sfriendsdaughter will be invited by name. It's not that hard to find names, you just have to be willing to call/email/FB the right people. And in my case, hound FI for names and LAST names.

If they aren't seeing someone and you're giving them a plus one of their choice, using the verbiage "and guest" is perfectly acceptable. It becomes rude when the guest you're inviting is in a relationship and you choose to passive aggressively not acknowledge it by "and guesting" their SO. It's nice of you to give your single guests a traveling companion.

AddieCake · April 2014

OK, this has been grating on my nerves for awhile now, so I'm just gonna say it.

Could we just make one thread where everyone shares their "ZOMG, look at the invitation we got" story? Except for a random few with something completely new about it, these shares are all the same, and frankly, it feels no different to me than people who come here and ask the same questions that have been asked 100 times.

If everyone is so big on wanting to make stickies, make one for these shares.

Sioux1986 · April 2014

AddieL73 said:

OK, this has been grating on my nerves for awhile now, so I'm just gonna say it.

Could we just make one thread where everyone shares their "ZOMG, look at the invitation we got" story? Except for a random few with something completely new about it, these shares are all the same, and frankly, it feels no different to me than people who come here and ask the same questions that have been asked 100 times.

If everyone is so big on wanting to make stickies, make one for these shares.

ACK! I feel like an idiot for being that one last person to do this and pile on! I'm sorry to have jumped on that bandwagon. I guess I have been wanting to be a part of this community for a while but haven't had a reason to post yet and this seemed like my "in".... I feel like an idiot now.

AddieCake · April 2014

No, Sioux, don't feel that way. I truly apologize for it being yours whose post made me finally say something. It's been bugging me for a long time, and I was JUST talking about it last night with some people, and between this and the need for making stickies that also annoys me, I just finally had to say something about both topics. I expressed my annoyance with the stickies last night as well.

You're not an idiot, and you're very welcome here. Jump into any thread you want!

ETA: Besides, I'm not the boss here, so just b/c I'm tired of these threads doesn't mean other people are and that you CAN'T start them.

Sioux1986 · April 2014

AddieL73 said:

No, Sioux, don't feel that way. I truly apologize for it being yours whose post made me finally say something. It's been bugging me for a long time, and I was JUST talking about it last night with some people, and between this and the need for making stickies that also annoys me, I just finally had to say something about both topics. I expressed my annoyance with the stickies last night as well.

You're not an idiot, and you're very welcome here. Jump into any thread you want!

ETA: Besides, I'm not the boss here, so just b/c I'm tired of these threads doesn't mean other people are and that you CAN'T start them.

Wow Addie! Thank you for your kind reply! I really appreciate it. You have truly made me feel welcome.

lc07 · April 2014

Welcome! I'm glad the boards have been helpful to you!

Simply Fated · April 2014

It sucks, right? My bf was invited as "and guest" and it really bothered me. It makes him seem interchangable with just anyone. And it's NOT like they didn't know his name or couldn't find out the spelling. There was no other excuse except apathy and rudeness. Money can't buy proper etiquette.

fionahalliwell · April 2014

I truly cannot get over the number of people who can't figure out how to ask for someone's NAME. When I was 12, my mom called up a whole bunch of people to get SO names for my bat mitzvah. In total, it probably took her a few hours and it made people feel like we cared. I don't get why that's so hard for people to process.

MuppetOverlord · April 2014

RebeccaFlower said:

That's great you know, but it's people like you FI who kind of make bad etiquette okay since it doesn't seem to bother him.

Bad etiquette is never okay. But, it IS okay for the offense not to bother someone. Who are you to tell someone how they are supposed to allocate their negative energy?

B-lists don't bother me unless it's for someone I'm very close to. Addressing me as a "guest" would make me arch my eyebrow and that's about it. It's okay that I don't place emotional attachment on either as long as I don't expect others to feel the same as I do and cause them to be in the position.

SP29 · April 2014

I think your FI should go and show up with a random friend (like an old college buddy, preferably one who is not shy). Then when the B&G inquire about you, FI can say, "Oh, well you invited me with a guest and Sioux couldn't make it so I brought my buddy Dave! Isn't he awesome?".

APDSS22 · April 2014

SP29 said:

I think your FI should go and show up with a random friend (like an old college buddy, preferably one who is not shy). Then when the B&G inquire about you, FI can say, "Oh, well you invited me with a guest and Sioux couldn't make it so I brought my buddy Dave! Isn't he awesome?".

Or he could hire someone like Larry the Drunk and Inappropriate Clown to be his date. (That really wouldn't be a polite thing for him to do, but I can dream.)

Sioux1986 · April 2014

MuppetOverlord said:

show previous quotes

RebeccaFlower said:

That's great you know, but it's people like you FI who kind of make bad etiquette okay since it doesn't seem to bother him.

Bad etiquette is never okay. But, it IS okay for the offense not to bother someone. Who are you to tell someone how they are supposed to allocate their negative energy?

B-lists don't bother me unless it's for someone I'm very close to. Addressing me as a "guest" would make me arch my eyebrow and that's about it. It's okay that I don't place emotional attachment on either as long as I don't expect others to feel the same as I do and cause them to be in the position.

Well said!

Gerbertmcway · April 2014

SP29 said:

I think your FI should go and show up with a random friend (like an old college buddy, preferably one who is not shy). Then when the B&G inquire about you, FI can say, "Oh, well you invited me with a guest and Sioux couldn't make it so I brought my buddy Dave! Isn't he awesome?".

He was invited with a guest and brought a guest so why would the bride and groom inquire about it? If the bride and groom so badly wanted him to bring Sioux they would have invited her. They did not so obviously they don't care who he brings.

Sioux1986 · April 2014

TheFutureMrsRohlman22 said:

show previous quotes

SP29 said:

I think your FI should go and show up with a random friend (like an old college buddy, preferably one who is not shy). Then when the B&G inquire about you, FI can say, "Oh, well you invited me with a guest and Sioux couldn't make it so I brought my buddy Dave! Isn't he awesome?".

Or he could hire someone like Larry the Drunk and Inappropriate Clown to be his date. (That really wouldn't be a polite thing for him to do, but I can dream.)

We both work at some rough inner city schools and I can think of a couple of rowdy middle school students who would make the snooty guest list just cringe!

Sioux1986 · April 2014

fionahalliwell said:

I truly cannot get over the number of people who can't figure out how to ask for someone's NAME. When I was 12, my mom called up a whole bunch of people to get SO names for my bat mitzvah. In total, it probably took her a few hours and it made people feel like we cared. I don't get why that's so hard for people to process.

Right? Like they were able to get our address....WAY more leg work than a name (IMO)!!

RebeccaB88 · April 2014

If the groom helped plan OP's FI's proposal to her, shouldn't he already know her name? All he had to do was pass it on with the address. So, that means:

A. He didn't pass it on, so he was either lazy or just didn't care. Both of which are just cause for the FI to be put out with his friend, and for him to call him out on it.

B. He passed it on but it was ignored, which is rude of those who addressed and sent the invitation. Rude enough for me to decline.

I'm not of the opinion that ignorance is an excuse for rudeness. It's not that hard to find out what you don't know.

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