Invite Conundrum

thesummersky · April 2014

Here are the facts;

FMIL isn't paying for anything, but her mother left money for FI's future wedding, which is currently going toward venue and catering.
FI's grandmother is no longer with us.
FMIL asked if she could invite some of her own friends and family, which includes people whom FI and I don't know.

At the time I wasn't sure how to respond because I was caught off guard, but the conversation went a little something like this:

FMIL: Hey! Just wanted to see how the planning was going. Do you have your guest list settled yet?
Me: Just about! We just wanted to make sure of the limit for the venue - it's 60, right?
FMIL: It's actually 70.
Me: Oh, that's great! I hadn't been able to invite friends yet because we have so many family members. **I have 10 sibings!**
FMIL: That reminds me - I've been meaning to ask how many people I could invite.
Me: ...I'll have to get back to you on that since our guest list isn't finalized yet. Have you found anything out about the succulent favors?

I have heard that it is somewhat expected for people to have a say in the guest list if they pay toward the wedding, which makes sense. Do you all think that applies in this case? She has a friend that has a cabin where our reception (and possible also our ceremony) will take place, why is why we've been communicating a lot via skype and e-mail in regards to guest count. I wish I could just communicate to this other lady directly, but their relationship is exactly why we're able to rent it at a steep discount.

I appreciate your advice! Thanks, all.

AlexisA01 · April 2014

It's hard to say. What does your fiance think? You should be able to invite your friends because your FMIL isn't paying..I remember those who pay have a say.

Simply Fated · April 2014

If you pay, you have a say. FMIL isn't paying though, right?
I might let her invite a couple of people. 2 friends, with significant others, is 4 people. That still allows you rom for some friends... sorta. Not really. Yikes.

Then again, I might let her know that, "I'm sorry, but we reached our guest limit." And then offer some bean dip.

What did your fiance say?

CMGragain · April 2014

thesummersky said:

Here are the facts;
FMIL isn't paying for anything, but her mother left money for FI's future wedding, which is currently going toward venue and catering.
FI's grandmother is no longer with us.
FMIL asked if she could invite some of her own friends and family, which includes people whom FI and I don't know.

You seem to be very concerned about the money that is not being offered. It isn't yours until it is in your bank account. If Grandma wanted your FI to have it, she could have willed it to him directly, but she didn't.
DH is heir to a trust fund. It was from his late mother. She fully intended her two children to inherit that fund after her husband died. FIL is still with us, and he looted the fund over the last 20 years. The lawyers are still fighting it out. We expect nothing. We are talking about a VERY large amount of money.
Your FMIL is asking for you to give her some direction about helping with your guest list. You should share your list with her (which should include FIs relatives) and then give her an additional number she could invite - maybe 10? If you don't set the limits, she will walk all over you, and it will be your own fault.

thesummersky · April 2014

FI has very few friends and is incredibly easygoing - as long as his 3 buddies are there and he's married to me at the end of the day, he doesn't care who else is there (which I so very much admire and love him for!). I, on the other hand, have a huge family and more close friends (oh, the plight of being an outgoing extrovert!).

She's not paying, but the money came from her mother, and she's handling those funds - that's why it's a little fuzzy to me. She is also helping out a great deal as far as networking. That woman knows somebody for everything!

I wouldn't mind her bringing a friend or two, but I want to make sure our nearest and dearest can be invited. So I'm open to compromise but not sure how to go about it or what amount of people would be proper. Then again, it seems like there isn't a certain, set way to go about this.

Viczaesar · April 2014

CMGragain said:

thesummersky said:

Here are the facts;
FMIL isn't paying for anything, but her mother left money for FI's future wedding, which is currently going toward venue and catering.
FI's grandmother is no longer with us.
FMIL asked if she could invite some of her own friends and family, which includes people whom FI and I don't know.

You seem to be very concerned about the money that is not being offered. It isn't yours until it is in your bank account. If Grandma wanted your FI to have it, she could have willed it to him directly, but she didn't.
DH is heir to a trust fund. It was from his late mother. She fully intended her two children to inherit that fund after her husband died. FIL is still with us, and he looted the fund over the last 20 years. The lawyers are still fighting it out. We expect nothing. We are talking about a VERY large amount of money.
Your FMIL is asking for you to give her some direction about helping with your guest list. You should share your list with her (which should include FIs relatives) and then give her an additional number she could invite - maybe 10? If you don't set the limits, she will walk all over you, and it will be your own fault.

CMGr, did you actually read OP's post? She only has 10 spots left, out of 70, which she wants to use to invite her and her FI's friends as family took up 60 of the 70 spots on the guest list. She doesn't have 10 spots to give to her MIL.

Also, she doesn't seem to be "very concerned about the money that is not being offered." It is being offered, and is being used for part of the venue and catering. She was clarifying where exactly the money is coming from, namely FGMIL, who is no longer alive, rather than FMIL. It sounds like you're reading your situation into the OP for no discernible reason.

thesummersky · April 2014

CMGragain said: thesummersky said: Here are the facts;
FMIL isn't paying for anything, but her mother left money for FI's future wedding, which is currently going toward venue and catering. FI's grandmother is no longer with us.
FMIL asked if she could invite some of her own friends and family, which includes people whom FI and I don't know.

You seem to be very concerned about the money that is not being offered. It isn't yours until it is in your bank account. If Grandma wanted your FI to have it, she could have willed it to him directly, but she didn't.
DH is heir to a trust fund. It was from his late mother. She fully intended her two children to inherit that fund after her husband died. FIL is still with us, and he looted the fund over the last 20 years. The lawyers are still fighting it out. We expect nothing. We are talking about a VERY large amount of money.
Your FMIL is asking for you to give her some direction about helping with your guest list. You should share your list with her (which should include FIs relatives) and then give her an additional number she could invite - maybe 10? If you don't set the limits, she will walk all over you, and it will be your own fault.

@ CMGragain I'm sorry to hear that. It is so sad when people don't honor the requests of their late loved ones.

And you're right, the money is not going directly to us; it's going directly toward the venue and catering. I'm happy to let her invite a finite number of guests (the number would of course be decided after FI and I finalize who we want to be invited, which should leave a few spaces open). I just thought it was odd that she asked outright - but then thought, 'maybe that's not so weird since she's [kinda] paying, though it's from her mom?' Either way, thank you for the input!

**Edited for spacing - bugged me.**

missnc77 · April 2014

My mom asked if she could invite two or three friends that I didn't know. Instead of shutting her down, I pointed out how much it is costing us per person and that since she's the mother of the bride and we have a lot of family coming, she'll probably have way too many people she'll be visiting with to focus on a few of her teaching friends from before she retired. She thought it was a great point and completely let it go. I think she was just really proud and wanted to show off, but remembering her whole crazy side of the family will be there is plenty overwhelming.

dolewhipper · April 2014

Just throwing this out there-making sure you also included yourself, dj, photographer, ect in that count. I almost forgot

HisGirlFriday13 · April 2014

I think my first question would be why on EARTH you chose a venue with a max capacity of 70 if you have 10 siblings. Seriously, I'm asking, because the normal way people do things is to figure out who they want to invite, then figure out what their budget is, then figure out how much they can spend per person to host all those people properly, and then pick a venue based on that.

Second of all, he who pays gets a say, but in this case, gma is paying, and gma is dead, so FMIL doesn't get a say, although you should ask your FI what he thinks.

How soon is your wedding? If I were you, I'd drop back and find a new venue -- one that can host more guests.

phira · April 2014

So you say that the money isn't going directly to you, it's going directly to the venue/catering. Can you clarify? I guess what I'm asking is, do you mean that the money has already been paid? Or that you'll never see the money personally, but you expect, eventually, that it will be transferred to the venue?

@shannonmaya is also VERY smart to point out: if your max is 70 people, you need to figure out if that means 70 guests OR 70 guests + you and partner + DJ + photographer + staff, etc etc.

And I agree with @hisgirlfriday13 that you might want to reconsider your venue. I don't have 10 siblings, and neither does my partner, but our family-only guest list is about 80 people. Because of that, we didn't even bother looking at venues with a capacity under 100.

doeydo · April 2014

Just throwing this out there-making sure you also included yourself, dj, photographer, ect in that count. I almost forgot

Good point. Also, a venue might say that they can work for X amount of people as a max, but usually that is really crowded.

MandyMost · April 2014

I still think we're missing some details about the money. If the money wasn't left in your name, and in your bank account, but rather left to FMIL with the directive that it was for your wedding? Yeah, that to me means it's essentially the FMIL paying. If she has any legal ability to not give you the money, that means she's paying. And she should have a say in the guest list.

But as others have said, these conversations should have taken place well before you book a venue. The order really needs to go 1. budget, 2. guest list, 3. venue.

Maggie0829 · April 2014

scribe95 said:

My inlaws didn't contribute - and we didn't ask or expect them to - but we definitely let them invite a few close friends. It doesn't always have to be about money. Sometimes it's just common courtesy.

This. H and I asked his parents for a list of people that they would like to invite if we had an unlimited number for the guest list. Once the number was determined due to budget we then went back to his parents and said, "We have already included family but we have X number of spots still available so who else from your original list would you like to invite?"

Remember that this is their son's wedding so it makes sense that they would like to include some of their friends to share in this occasion.

thesummersky · April 2014

I just found out the money is in a savings bond. If that's the case, I'm not sure why FI isn't just cashing it in himself. It was a quick chat though, so I couldn't get much detail. I'll ask him more when we talk later.

I absolutely understand and agree that it should go budget, guest list, venue in that order. I have been researching venues since December, and with a wedding in August in southern California, it's difficult to find a place that's either 1) outdoors, and not hot, or 2) indoors, and has a kitchen, and 4) will let us do our own catering (a family friend has a catering business, so she's doing it for us, but needs a kitchen). 5) That's not more than $1,000 for the ceremony and reception. This venue meets all of those requirements.

All of my family members are already on the list of course, and will be invited. 70 should work with inviting our closest friends also, I'm just concerned with how many spots I should give to FMIL, if any.

FI wants me to be able to invite my friends, but would like for FMIL to bring friends if possible, especially if she is handling whatever money is going toward the venue and catering.

STARMOON44 · April 2014

I think she needs to be allowed to invite some number of friends. If your numbers won't let her invite a table-ful to your reception, you need a new venue. Have you looked into community centers, civic group buildings etc ? Where does your friend usually cater?

Maggie0829 · April 2014

I just found out the money is in a savings bond. If that's the case, I'm not sure why FI isn't just cashing it in himself. It was a quick chat though, so I couldn't get much detail. I'll ask him more when we talk later.

I absolutely understand and agree that it should go budget, guest list, venue in that order. I have been researching venues since December, and with a wedding in August in southern California, it's difficult to find a place that's either 1) outdoors, and not hot, or 2) indoors, and has a kitchen, and 4) will let us do our own catering (a family friend has a catering business, so she's doing it for us, but needs a kitchen). 5) That's not more than $1,000 for the ceremony and reception. This venue meets all of those requirements.

All of my family members are already on the list of course, and will be invited. 70 should work with inviting our closest friends also, I'm just concerned with how many spots I should give to FMIL, if any.

FI wants me to be able to invite my friends, but would like for FMIL to bring friends if possible, especially if she is handling whatever money is going toward the venue and catering.

From what I am reading you are only talking about YOUR family and YOUR friends. What about FI family? Did any of them besides his parents get invited? Again, this is not just your wedding. This is also a big deal for your FI family. Their son is getting married. They should be allowed some guests.

clarke10 · April 2014

I cannot fathom why you would have booked a venue with a max capacity of 70 before making at least a tentative guest list.

thesummersky · April 2014

@Maggie0829 Both of our families are already on the list, not just mine. Should have clarified that. He has very few close friends, so they're on the list as well. So at this point, I haven't added any of my friends.

I'm wondering if we should just not invite any of our friends, but allow FMIL to invite hers? And if that is common courtesy, should this same courtesy also be extended to my mom?

@clake10 We haven't booked the venue yet. The only reason we're considering it is because it belongs to FMIL's friend and meets our other requirements. This venue is seeming less and less appealing as time goes on. Unfortunately, finding another venue is easier said than done, since the desert is miserably hot in August. Getting married in a different month isn't an option either, since this is the only time when all of our closest family members are available.

Inkdancer · April 2014

thesummersky said:

@Maggie0829 Both of our families are already on the list, not just mine. Should have clarified that. He has very few close friends, so they're on the list as well. So at this point, I haven't added any of my friends.

I'm wondering if we should just not invite any of our friends, but allow FMIL to invite hers? And if that is common courtesy, should this same courtesy also be extended to my mom?

@clake10 We haven't booked the venue yet. The only reason we're considering it is because it belongs to FMIL's friend and meets our other requirements. This venue is seeming less and less appealing as time goes on. Unfortunately, finding another venue is easier said than done, since the desert is miserably hot in August. Getting married in a different month isn't an option either, since this is the only time when all of our closest family members are available.

Since the venue belongs to your FMIL's friend, I think you can say the following to your FMIL: "We really wanted to use your friend's venue. It would have been perfect. But if you are going to tack additional guests onto the guest list, we will have to move somewhere else for space reasons." Then see what she says: does she want to give her friend business, or does she want these people to be able to attend?

Maggie0829 · April 2014

@thesummersky - you should really make a guest list first. See what your number is and then find a venue that fits your budget and your guest list. You shouldn't have to not invite your friends just so that his Mom can invite hers. You should all have the ability to invite who you want. I think your best option is to have your parents, his parents and you and your FI make a list of everyone you would like to invite. Then combine the list to weed out duplicates. Then research some venues and see what you like and what your budget allows. Then start making cuts to your list.

lyndausvi · April 2014

You are making this way more complicated than it needs to be. Make a list of must-haves, then another of maybes. See where you fall.

You might see that friends make you go over the 70, so they venue is out anyway. You might see the friends keep you under. If you have the room add 1-2 couples from FMILs list. I would not go somewhere else because of FMILs list, but if there is room I would add them.

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