Say no to a guest request?

melbenso · April 2014

One of FI's best friends, who I am also friends with, emailed me last night regarding our wedding. She had been invited with her 12-year-old daughter, who we were very close to when she lived in the same city as us (no significant other). Because of our tight budget, we did not give truly single guests a plus one, and, in fact, did not invite a good number of friends that we would have liked to if we could afford to spend more money on our wedding.

FI's friend let me know that her daughter would be unable to come to the wedding. She asked instead, if she could bring her best friend. FI's friend lives in NYC (wedding in Ohio). She said her friend has never "seen the midwest before" and wants to come see what it is like. Aside from the fact that adding another adult is more expensive than having her daughter there (3x more expensive meal, alcohol vs. non-alcoholic beverages), I'm not crazy about my wedding being the "midwest experience" of a total stranger, especially when there are a number of people we know that we did not invite because of our budget. She wasn't trying to be rude and said she would totally understand if we couldn't do it, but it puts me in the position of feeling like a total jerk if I say no because she is coming in from New York for the wedding and has been through so much crap with her ex regarding her daughter. (Going to discuss it with FI tonight, I forwarded him the email.)

In the end, this isn't a hill I'm willing to die on. But I was just wondering what other people would do in this situation....

Additional wrinkle, friend is invited to the Rehearsal Dinner, which is being hosted and paid for by FMIL. Invite list for rehearsal dinner was approved by FMIL weeks ago. FMIL has had some unexplained falling out with this friend and asking her to add friend's friend to the rehearsal dinner list (because we couldn't just have her ditch her friend for it) when it is for someone she doesn't get along with is going to make for some drama.

Inkdancer · April 2014

You aren't being a jerk if you say no. Just respond saying "I'm sorry to hear that your daughter won't be coming--she's a great kid. Please say hi to her for me. Unfortunately, we won't be able to accommodate any guests who were not invited by name. I hope you can still make it--I am really looking forward to seeing you there!"

Done and done, no rudeness at all.

mysticl · April 2014

Personally, I let it go. A friend was invited with her husband and children but they could not attend so she brought her sister instead. Granted it didn't change the price of anything so I didn't have to factor that in. Friend was reading in the wedding and I had no problem with her sister attending the rehearsal dinner. I should note that I know her sister and while we aren't close enough for me to have invited her to the wedding I was completely fine with her being there. Does your FI's friend know she and his mom had a falling out? Sometimes these things are one sided. If she is aware of the issues she may be understanding of you not wanting to rock the boat with FMIL by adding a stranger to the guest list and her friend can hang at the hotel or explore on her own. Provided you decide it's ok for her to attend. ETA: There were paragraphs when I typed this.

HisGirlFriday13 · April 2014

Generally, if it's a one-for-one substitution, it's not a hill I would die on.

But it's not one-for-one. So I'd say to her, 'Friend, the invite was for you and your daughter. I'm afraid we can't accommodate your friend. We hope you can still come by yourself.'

I wouldn't go into the issue of your wedding not being an anthropological experience for NYC people to see the American Midwest, although that rationale is beyond rude, and I would be furious.

What does she think your wedding is, an exhibit at the zoo?!

phira · April 2014

This isn't a one-for-one, so while I'd normally say, "Eh, sure, okay," in this case, I'd say no. The reasons are pretty irrelevant, so I'm not too irritated with the midwest comment.

Maggie0829 · April 2014

Like others said, if this were a one-for-one substitution then I would be fine with it. But it isn't a one-for-one since it will cost you more and also cause potential drama with your FILs. I would tell her that you are sorry but that you can't accommodate her friend.

Jen4948 · April 2014

Since this is not a one-for-one substitution, tell your friend, "I'm sorry, but the invitation was for you and your daughter, but not for you and your friend. We can't accommodate another adult at the wedding or the rehearsal dinner. I hope you can still come, but I understand if you can't."

wrigleyville · April 2014

I took "never seen the Midwest before" as literally that, not to see what the wedding itself is like. It sounds like she's just never been out this way and wants to see Ohio.

mellyD2014 · April 2014

I think that's a terrible reason to try to substitute. I would point out, though, that NYC to the Midwest is a long way to travel alone. I probably wouldn't come to the wedding without a plus one if that was the travel distance, but you are absolutely in your rights to say no.

Personally, I don't think this is a hill to die on.

KittyKaty20 · April 2014

I'd go with the "I'm sorry, but invite was for you and daughter; we hope you can still attend."

Since your guest gave you an "out" by saying she'd totally understand if you couldn't, I'd take it. She probably won't press for a reason, since she's being rude in asking, but you could always say that you cannot accommodate another adult.

melbenso · April 2014

After discussing it with FI over the course of two nights, he agreed that we can't give her a plus one, because we should then give a plus one to anyone of the other 14 single guests we invited.

So I emailed her this morning and said:

Friend,

FI and I are very sorry to hear that Daughter won't be able to come to the wedding. Unfortunately, we cannot extend you a plus one for someone else. We hope that you will still be able to make it to the wedding and we are looking forward to seeing you.

jessiray · April 2014

My FI and I travel back and forth from our place in Michigan to our hometowns in various parts of PA several times a year. The trip isn't fun by yourself, but it's not that difficult. I've done it, and my FI has also done it.

HisGirlFriday13 · April 2014

melbenso said:

After discussing it with FI over the course of two nights, he agreed that we can't give her a plus one, because we should then give a plus one to anyone of the other 14 single guests we invited.

So I emailed her this morning and said:

Friend,

FI and I are very sorry to hear that Daughter won't be able to come to the wedding. Unfortunately, we cannot extend you a plus one for someone else. We hope that you will still be able to make it to the wedding and we are looking forward to seeing you.

Good for you!!

Jen4948 · April 2014

HisGirlFriday13 said:

melbenso said:

After discussing it with FI over the course of two nights, he agreed that we can't give her a plus one, because we should then give a plus one to anyone of the other 14 single guests we invited.

So I emailed her this morning and said:

Friend,

FI and I are very sorry to hear that Daughter won't be able to come to the wedding. Unfortunately, we cannot extend you a plus one for someone else. We hope that you will still be able to make it to the wedding and we are looking forward to seeing you.

Good for you!!

Nice going. Let us know of any feedback. I hope that she gets it, but you never know.

Aray82 · April 2014

You responded as politely as you could and were well within your rights to do so. As PPs said, good work!

Also, the suggestion that the midwest would be a novelty for a New Yorker would ruffle my feathers. I'm sure she and her friend didn't mean anything offensive by the "never seen the Midwest before" but since my FI is from the Midwest I've become really sensitive to the attitudes some of my NYC friends and family have toward any state west of Pensylvania. FI was asked "Did you grow up on a farm?" immediately upon meeting my NYC friends for the first time. One friend even said, "Oh Im so glad you're having the wedding here and not in FI's state. The food would be so bland and terrible, and you'd end up with a jello mold casserole for a wedding cake."

Anyway. Sorry for the tangent but I just instantly saw red when reading that line :P Seems like it's all taken care of though.

melbenso · April 2014

I doubt she meant any offense. FI's friend lived in Ohio for over a decade. I think she wanted to show her friend the place she lived for so long, since she had never been there. And that's fine. But my wedding isn't her friend's vacation. They can plan that separately.

[Deleted User] · April 2014

I agree with others plus I think it's ok to be honest with her on why. That you don't have the budget to change from a child invite to an adult invite. I think you handled it very politely. As the guest, she had nothing to lose by asking, I probably would have done the same but been totally understanding if you said no.

Say no to a guest request?

Re: Say no to a guest request?

Choose Another Board

Search Boards