Declining part of the bachelorette party?

blabla89 · April 2014

At the end of the month I’m going to be a BM in the DW of a family friend. I’m flying in two days before the wedding for the bachelorette party. Today the MOH sent out an email detailing restaurant, bar and nightclub options near the hotel, which sounded great until I got to the part where she said that the bride had mentioned wanting to go to a strip club. As of right now that’s not in the plans, but if the bride insists then the other girls will probably go along with it.

I’m not on board with this for a number of reasons. (NOTE: I really don’t want to start a debate here. I have a firm opinion on this, but I respect everyone else’s opinion too.) If the other ladies decide they want to go to a strip club, it’s not my place to tell them not to, but I don’t want to take part. Is there a way to politely voice my discomfort, or gracefully excuse myself from that part of the evening? I don't want to make a big deal about it, or push my opinion on anyone else. I have no problem going out with them for dinner, drinks and dancing and then getting a cab back to the hotel if they’re going to the strip club. I’m just a little afraid that I’ll incur the wrath of bridezilla no matter how I handle it.

HisGirlFriday13 · April 2014

Has your friend exhibited other bridezilla-ish behaviour that you're worried she's going to be a bridezilla if you decline this?

Either way, if they decide to go to a strip club, I'd just say, 'Well, y'all have fun, I'm going to go back to the hotel room, see you tomorrow!' and then I'd get up from the table and just leave. You don't have to offer them an explanation, and they aren't allowed to demand one from you.

If you have objections to going to a strip club, that's your personal business, and you're allowed not to want to go, without judgement or recrimination.

cruffino · April 2014

i would just leave after dinner and let them know it wasn't my thing.

Simply Fated · April 2014

lalalaurita said:

At the end of the month I’m going to be a BM in the DW of a family friend. I’m flying in two days before the wedding for the bachelorette party. Today the MOH sent out an email detailing restaurant, bar and nightclub options near the hotel, which sounded great until I got to the part where she said that the bride had mentioned wanting to go to a strip club. As of right now that’s not in the plans, but if the bride insists then the other girls will probably go along with it.

I’m not on board with this for a number of reasons. (NOTE: I really don’t want to start a debate here. I have a firm opinion on this, but I respect everyone else’s opinion too.) If the other ladies decide they want to go to a strip club, it’s not my place to tell them not to, but I don’t want to take part. Is there a way to politely voice my discomfort, or gracefully excuse myself from that part of the evening? I don't want to make a big deal about it, or push my opinion on anyone else. I have no problem going out with them for dinner, drinks and dancing and then getting a cab back to the hotel if they’re going to the strip club. I’m just a little afraid that I’ll incur the wrath of bridezilla no matter how I handle it.

A true friend wouldn't pressure you to do anything you don't feel comfortable with. If Bridezilla's wrath comes out, then that'll be very telling. The fact that you are already worried she'll get mad at you, is also very, very telling.

Just tell them that while you love the idea of the restaurants, bars, etc, you'll pass on the strip club portion. You don't have to open up a can of worms by offering a reason or an excuse. If they push, just be upfront that it's not your cup of tea and hopefully they leave it alone.

PrettyGirlLost · April 2014

Yep what they said^

daria24 · April 2014

Honestly, you're not going to change your mind right? No matter what, you won't be going to a strip club, and that is a totally reasonable stance. So however the bridezilla reacts, the end result will still be the same-no strippy strippy. You can't control her reaction, all you can do is, when the time comes, say "hey I'm going to catch a cab back to the hotel, enjoy the dongs/ladybits."

Are you close to any of the other BP members? Can you let one of them know you are going to bow out of that portion, so when the time comes she can jump in and say "Ok sleep tight-hey bridey, do you think you'll get a free lap dance?" and hopefully deflect the bride's attention?

blabla89 · April 2014

@HisGirlFriday I've known this girl all her life, but you could tack -zilla onto pretty much anything she does (don't get me wrong, I love her and she's like a sister to me but she is wound up really tight). MOB has told me on two occasions that the bride stopped speaking to her over some minor wedding-related disagreement. So yes, it's a legit concern.

Simply Fated · April 2014

lalalaurita said:

@HisGirlFriday I've known this girl all her life, but you could tack -zilla onto pretty much anything she does (don't get me wrong, I love her and she's like a sister to me but she is wound up really tight). MOB has told me on two occasions that the bride stopped speaking to her over some minor wedding-related disagreement. So yes, it's a legit concern.

If THIS is going to be a deal breaker for her, then perhaps you don't really need a friend like that. Maybe offering some singles for her to use would help smooth things over?

emmyg65 · April 2014

If she starts giving you crap, just politely ignore it and leave. "I hope you guys have a fun night! I'm heading back to the hotel. See you tomorrow!"

princessleia22 · April 2014

daria24 said:

Honestly, you're not going to change your mind right? No matter what, you won't be going to a strip club, and that is a totally reasonable stance. So however the bridezilla reacts, the end result will still be the same-no strippy strippy. You can't control her reaction, all you can do is, when the time comes, say "hey I'm going to catch a cab back to the hotel, enjoy the dongs/ladybits."

Are you close to any of the other BP members? Can you let one of them know you are going to bow out of that portion, so when the time comes she can jump in and say "Ok sleep tight-hey bridey, do you think you'll get a free lap dance?" and hopefully deflect the bride's attention?

I would respond to the MOH's e-mail and tell her that you love the plan for the night and really look forward to it. But, that personally you aren't comfortable with going to a strip club. Tell her you have absolutely no problem going back to the hotel if they choose to go and you don't want your choice to pressure them to not go, if that's what they want to do.

Or just wait until the party, make sure you have enough money for cab fare if needed, and if they say that they are going to the strip club, just tell them at that time that you don't feel comfortable with going and you have no problem going back to hotel alone, and you hope they have an amazing time there.

mbross3 · April 2014

It's perfectly reasonable for you to not want to go to a strip club! I think it's perfectly reasonable for the bride and/or the other ladies to want to go to a strip club (if that's their thing), but there's no reason you have to participate. You shouldn't feel obligated to go, especially if it makes you uncomfortable. If the bride and the other BMs want to go, that seems perfectly fine, you should just duck out early and go back to the hotel or whatever you want to do.

If you're afraid the bride is going to turn -zilla on you, maybe you could finagle it so that you can let one of the other bridesmaids (maybe one less dramatic?) know that you're heading out and can she let the bride know later. If their your friends I don't think they'd have any problem with you skipping on part of the evening that makes you uncomfortable.

thisismynickname2 · April 2014

HisGirlFriday13 said:

Has your friend exhibited other bridezilla-ish behaviour that you're worried she's going to be a bridezilla if you decline this?

Either way, if they decide to go to a strip club, I'd just say, 'Well, y'all have fun, I'm going to go back to the hotel room, see you tomorrow!' and then I'd get up from the table and just leave. You don't have to offer them an explanation, and they aren't allowed to demand one from you.

If you have objections to going to a strip club, that's your personal business, and you're allowed not to want to go, without judgement or recrimination.

This.

My bachelorette is just dinner and dancing, and I already know my one pregnant friend is just going for dinner and will leave after. No judgement. Nobody cares. I'm just glad she's coming for dinner at all!

phira · April 2014

If the bride were a chill person:

Let the MoH know that you're totally in for everything minus the strip club. Let her know that you'll just head back to the hotel after dinner and relax while they go out. Make it clear with whatever language you use that you've got 0 issues with them going to a strip club, that you hope they have a blast, and that you're psyched for everything else. Don't ask her to let the bride know, but don't ask her to keep it a secret either.

But because the bride is not chill:

Be cool with all of the plans, but privately plan to leave at the end of dinner. Don't necessarily lie and say YAY STRIPPERZZZZ, but don't indicate that you're not planning on staying for them. In the meantime, make sure that wherever you're getting dinner, you're able to easily get to the hotel. That means you'll need to make sure that you have enough cash for a cab and for the rest of the plans that evening (some places, like Boston, are filled with cab drivers who will insist you pay in cash even though legally they have to accept credit; it's just sometimes not a fight worth having when you're stressed). If you're sharing a hotel with anyone, make sure you both have working room keys. Practice some exit lines: "Sorry gals, I'm not feeling great. I might call it a night early, but have fun!" or, "I'm not feeling up to strippers. I didn't want to say anything because I hoped my discomfort might pass, but it hasn't. I'll meet you all back at the hotel; maybe we can get drinks at the hotel bar!" or, "I didn't realize how tired I'd be from my flight! I'm going to head back to the hotel and have a nice relaxing bath. Text me to let me know how the club is!"

bananasplit472001 · April 2014

If any one of my friends had an issue with me not going to a strip club because I was uncomfortable with it, then they would no longer be my friend. What kind of person gets upset when you won't participate in something like that? Not everyone is comfortable with that type of environment. I would tell the group ahead of time that you will not be attending the strip club. If any problems arise I would explain that you do not like them and would prefer to go back to the hotel and relax. You shouldn't have to deal with your friends bridezilla behavior just because she is a bride and its her bachelorette party. I would drop her as a friend if this were to happen.

LarraO2530 · April 2014

I agree that it's none of their business if you choose not to go to a strip club. You don't owe them an explanation, and simply saying "it's not my thing" should suffice if asked why you're turning in so early. As being a bride, I've let my BMs know that I'm not into strippers, so please, if planning a bachelorette party, just an evening doing girly stuff and having some wine is perfect for me.

KPBM89 · April 2014

For my SIL's bach party, her MOH got a stripper to go to our hotel room. She asked who would be okay with it up front and most girls said either "sure, sounds fun/ funny" or "no thanks, I'll come later" and that was that. It didn't matter who wanted to be there for the stripper at all and she was fine with that and understood some people just aren't comfortable with the idea.

blabla89 · April 2014

@Phira I had no idea that cab drivers were required to take cards. I wish I had known that before my last business trip to Boston!

The other advice has been super helpful too and I'm less stressed about it now. Hoping the bride will just forget all about the strip club, or that the MOB will steer her away from it, but I'll be prepared in case she decides she wants to go there.

iloveotters2014 · April 2014

I would assume that the strip club would be towards the end of the night anyway. Just go out and have a good time, go to the bar for a few drinks and just say you are tired after awhile and tell them to have a great rest of the night! If the bride freaks about that.....then she is nuts.

thesummersky · April 2014

lalalaurita said:

@HisGirlFriday I've known this girl all her life, but you could tack -zilla onto pretty much anything she does (don't get me wrong, I love her and she's like a sister to me but she is wound up really tight). MOB has told me on two occasions that the bride stopped speaking to her over some minor wedding-related disagreement. So yes, it's a legit concern

*STUCK IN BOX**

That's so unfortunate. Planning for a wedding should be a time of excitement and celebration with your loved ones, not a time to be walking on eggshells. I also agree with PPs that if you don't want to go, don't feel pressured to go.

blabla89 · April 2014

Update: MOB (who is super cool, and a closer friend to me than the bride is) started texting me, so I asked about it. She says the bride REALLY wants to go to a strip club. I guess I was assuming that she meant a standard strip club with female strippers, but no, she demands male strippers. I'm equally uncomfortable either way. Bride has found one that has drink specials and no cover charge if you go early, as in 8pm, so that would be their first stop of the night. I was on board with the plan to just peace out early at the end of the night, but this throws a wrench in it.

So I mentioned to MOB that I might choose to sit out. She said she respects my feelings and will let the bride know ahead of time, and that it's fine if I want to catch a cab and meet up with them at the next stop.

thelastdreamer · April 2014

Fake explosive diarrhea at the restaurant and skedaddle outta there.

HeatherKat · April 2014

scribe95 said:

Why would a bachelorette party go to a female strip club? Seems odd. I have been to a male strip show. It's not that bad. They do touch more so just stay away from them. I would probably just suck it up.

I'd much rather go to a female strip club than a male one. The male strippers I've seen skeeve me out way more than the ladies do.

blabla89 · April 2014

HeatherKat said:

scribe95 said:

Why would a bachelorette party go to a female strip club? Seems odd. I have been to a male strip show. It's not that bad. They do touch more so just stay away from them. I would probably just suck it up.

I'd much rather go to a female strip club than a male one. The male strippers I've seen skeeve me out way more than the ladies do.

This. Also the only jacked up dude I want to see in a banana hammock is FI.

I had a couple of straight female friends in college who insisted on going to a female strip club for their birthdays so I guess that's why I assumed. Also, the bride totally doesn't seem like the type to want some guy's junk swinging in her face.

kkitkat79 · April 2014

lalalaurita said:

Update: MOB (who is super cool, and a closer friend to me than the bride is) started texting me, so I asked about it. She says the bride REALLY wants to go to a strip club. I guess I was assuming that she meant a standard strip club with female strippers, but no, she demands male strippers. I'm equally uncomfortable either way. Bride has found one that has drink specials and no cover charge if you go early, as in 8pm, so that would be their first stop of the night. I was on board with the plan to just peace out early at the end of the night, but this throws a wrench in it.

So I mentioned to MOB that I might choose to sit out. She said she respects my feelings and will let the bride know ahead of time, and that it's fine if I want to catch a cab and meet up with them at the next stop.

Nothing to see here, reading comprehension fail

wrigleyville · April 2014

scribe95 said:

Why would a bachelorette party go to a female strip club? Seems odd. I have been to a male strip show. It's not that bad. They do touch more so just stay away from them. I would probably just suck it up.

**Stuck in box**

If the OP is uncomfortable, then she should not have to "suck it up" just because it's guys instead of girls. Nobody should have to do anything they are uncomfortable with.

MandyMost · April 2014

So the strippers are the first part of the night. Let's put aside how weird it will be to go to a strip club BEFORE dinner and drinks...

...I'd try to come up with some excuse to just show up late. Any amount of lateness will do, since they'll be a cover charge at the strip club later you can use that as the excuse to just meet them at the second location. Also, maybe you could get to the restaurant early and help "set up" some stuff and make sure the table's all ready, etc., and that could be another good reason to skip the strippers without getting the bride pissy. She'll show up and see all the work you put in at the restaurant for her.

My only hesitation is that they'll probably be talking about the strippers and showing pictures and stuff for the rest of the night. If I were you, that would make me very uncomfortable.

Declining part of the bachelorette party?

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