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So, RSVP are starting to come in

SoontobeMrsNytesSoontobeMrsNytes member
100 Comments 25 Love Its First Anniversary Name Dropper
in Wedding Etiquette Forum
We didn't have a steadfast no children rule, but we really only planned on inviting the kids of the wedding party. I had my FI address the invites for his family and friends and I did the invites for my family and friends. He said when he sent the invitation to his friend Joe he addressed it to Joe and Jane Smith (not their real names). When we got their response card, they rsvp'd for themselves and their 3 year old. I told FI this isn't a hill worth dying on. And that by calling Joe and telling him he can't bring his son, when he gets to the wedding he may be seriously miffed when he sees other kids there, and it could potentially be a friendship ending move. FI says he's still inclined to call him.

What do you all think?
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Re: So, RSVP are starting to come in

  • JellyBean52513JellyBean52513 member
    Eighth Anniversary 500 Love Its 500 Comments First Answer
    It's a perfectly acceptable line to draw when it comes to WP kids, and Joe should understand that.

    "Joe, I'm sorry for any confusion, but the invite was just for you and Mrs. Smith. We are not having any children at the wedding aside from the flower girl and the ring bearer. We hope you can still make it."
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  • bethsmilesbethsmiles member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    Your FI should call. Otherwise you are setting yourselves up for a lot of small guests you didn't intend on having. What if more people RSVP with their kids?

    I really don't see this as a friendship ending move at all. Kids in the wedding party are obviously going to be invited to the reception and people will understand that. You've drawn an acceptable line with your invite, stand your ground.


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  • HisGirlFriday13HisGirlFriday13 member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary 5 Answers
    Your FI should call. And if Joe is miffed that some kids (WP kids, your relatives, whatever) are invited and his aren't, that's on him.

    But if you don't call, you open yourself up to having people keep doing this, and you'll be way over your max.
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    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
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  • SP29SP29 member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited April 2014
    (Ack! No Paragraphs!) It is completely within your right to invite some kids and not others. Best to invite in circles, but you could keep kids to only the wedding party, only children of immediate family, etc. In one respect, it's up to you whether you will allow these add ons, but be prepared for more. As well, you must also be prepared that if you invite a husband/wife but not their kids they may decline to come- but that is their choice. In another respect it is unfair to your other guests who did not rudely add their kids on, and THEY may feel slighted to come to your wedding a see a bunch of "random" other kids there. I think if you are not inviting all children, you should stick to the rule you have set and call up Joe and say, "I am sorry Joe, the invite was only for you and Jane, we cannot accommodate little Jimmy. We hope you can still make it!". No explanation is needed as to why Jimmy can't come- I feel like if you start giving reasons, that gives the other person room to come up with "solutions".
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  • theartistformerlyknownastheartistformerlyknownas member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers First Anniversary
    Is this kids IN the wedding party or kids OF those in the wedding party? Just slightly trickier if it's the latter, but I still think totally acceptable to call and say what was suggested above. WP members have a very long day and it's generous of you to allow them to bring their kids. But once you start making other exceptions it's a slippery slope. Joe may have made an honest mistake.
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  • SoontobeMrsNytesSoontobeMrsNytes member
    100 Comments 25 Love Its First Anniversary Name Dropper
    lolo883 said:
    Is this kids IN the wedding party or kids OF those in the wedding party? Just slightly trickier if it's the latter, but I still think totally acceptable to call and say what was suggested above. WP members have a very long day and it's generous of you to allow them to bring their kids. But once you start making other exceptions it's a slippery slope. Joe may have made an honest mistake.
    Both. I have 2 flower girls, my daughter and the daughter of my MOH. My FI's BM has 2 kids, and his groomsman has 1. But, I already had to extend the invite to include my nieces, who are not in the wedding because my parents had a fit. So, I guess really we were only planning on inviting the kids in the wedding party and kids of the family.
    The last thing I want to do is hurt anyone's feelings, but I also can't break the bank either.
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  • SoontobeMrsNytesSoontobeMrsNytes member
    100 Comments 25 Love Its First Anniversary Name Dropper
    SP29 said:
    (Ack! No Paragraphs!) It is completely within your right to invite some kids and not others. Best to invite in circles, but you could keep kids to only the wedding party, only children of immediate family, etc. In one respect, it's up to you whether you will allow these add ons, but be prepared for more. As well, you must also be prepared that if you invite a husband/wife but not their kids they may decline to come- but that is their choice. In another respect it is unfair to your other guests who did not rudely add their kids on, and THEY may feel slighted to come to your wedding a see a bunch of "random" other kids there. I think if you are not inviting all children, you should stick to the rule you have set and call up Joe and say, "I am sorry Joe, the invite was only for you and Jane, we cannot accommodate little Jimmy. We hope you can still make it!". No explanation is needed as to why Jimmy can't come- I feel like if you start giving reasons, that gives the other person room to come up with "solutions".
    That's a good point. I hadn't thought about it that way...
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  • SoontobeMrsNytesSoontobeMrsNytes member
    100 Comments 25 Love Its First Anniversary Name Dropper
    HisGirlFriday13 said:
    Your FI should call. And if Joe is miffed that some kids (WP kids, your relatives, whatever) are invited and his aren't, that's on him.

    But if you don't call, you open yourself up to having people keep doing this, and you'll be way over your max.
    That's exactly what I'm afraid of!
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  • larrygagalarrygaga member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    It's probably safer to make the call. 

    I wish people didn't have to make situations so awkward. It's like why are you forcing the couple to be mean to you???
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  • melbensomelbenso member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments Third Anniversary First Answer
    edited April 2014
    We've gotten one RSVP that included a child that wasn't invited. (We are inviting family kids and kids of the wedding party, only.)  The family is coming in from out of state and kids meals at our venue are not expensive, so I just added the kid to the list.  It's not worth the aggravation for $8 and an extra chair.  We also had another out of state couple email and say that they wouldn't be able to attend because they couldn't leave their 18 month old with a babysitter for that long and that if we were ok with them bringing her, they would bring age appropriate food for her. We told them to bring her and asked if they would like us to order a kids meal (the contents of which we explained) for her.

    If we were having a 100% kid-free wedding or had reached capacity at our venue, I think our response in each situation would be different.  But I agree, when it changes so little, it's not a hill to die on.  Plus, I think little kids dancing at weddings are adorable.

    EDT: Neither of these guests knows anyone else coming to the wedding who has children, so I'm also not concerned about setting precedent.
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