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JUST ENGAGED! Etiquette, who to tell when, and how to handle their reactions?

Hi, everyone!  I'm still really new around here but I thought I would share my news...we got engaged last night!  He told my parents when he actually bought the ring, and then got their permission before actually asking me.  I called them first to tell them, but of course they already knew.  After that, I called my very best friend.  But now....who do I tell?  His family doesn't speak to us unless they need something (very long story behind all that) and when I mentioned it to him he said they can find out when they find out.  But now who do I tell?  I don't have social media (GASP, I know!) so I can't just put up some generic "we're engaged" post.

Secondly, I thought this might be a good place for my post since I am a junior in college, and some of the other boards can seem a bit judgmental about younger brides.  FI and I have talked extensively about this for a long time, and we both agree that we have a list of things that need to be done before we start planning a wedding (graduate, get a full time job, own our own home, etc).  We are fully aware that it might take years to accomplish these things, and we're entirely ok with that.  We had planned on a very long engagement.  If we're spending forever together, then what's the big deal right?  My parents are fully aware of this, and they are expecting our long engagement and know there's no planning going on anytime soon....but how do I explain this to others?  Should I even have to explain this to anyone?  Or just tell them we haven't set a date yet?  Because everyone's first question after you tell them you're engaged is "have you set a date?".

Finally, I guess this is an odd situation.  When FI purchased my engagement ring he also picked out the wedding band.  There was a wedding band that matched perfectly and he just couldn't pass it up, so he bought both.  When he asked me last night, he put both rings on my finger.  I asked him, and he said that he wanted me to go ahead and have both, because he doesn't want the wedding band sitting in a drawer for years and years.  The way he looks at it, he bought it, I know he has it, so I might as well just wear it.  He says when we get married he will have the inside of the bands engraved, and that will be my "new ring" on our wedding day.  I'm perfectly ok with this, because I see his reasoning.  My parents say they are ok with it because they see his reasoning too.  However, when people look at my hand they're going to assume I'm already married.  How do handle these questions? I don't really think it's anyone's business but I know it will come up.

Also, any great advice on how to handle snarky reactions from people who say we're too young?

Thanks guys!

Re: JUST ENGAGED! Etiquette, who to tell when, and how to handle their reactions?

  • First tell your parents and his parents. It doesn't matter if they don't talk to you. If you're mature enough to get married then you should be mature enough to reach out to them and tell them you're engaged. 

    Then tell other family members your close too. We called my grandparents after our parents.

    Then tell your closest friends.

    Then post it on Facebook (if you have it).

    As for how to handle reactions, keep a smile on your face and your head high.
  • First of all, congratulations!  My FI has a big family, so after we told his parents and sister, he sent out an email to everyone else.  My family is much smaller, so my parents and I called everyone.  I would recommend calling the people who you are closest to.  I already had an idea of who I wanted in my wedding party, so I called them as well.   I don't know what the situation is with your FI's parents, but calling or emailing them could be a nice opportunity to extend an olive branch.  You could also make an announcement in a newspaper.  Do what you feel most comfortable with.

    I'm in a similar situation as far as engagement length. Our engagement is going to be a little over three years long (one more year to go!).  Before we picked a date, I would just tell people the truth: it's still early, we haven't figured it out, and we'll let you know when we decide.  People seemed to respect that. 

    Ignore the snarky people.  No matter what you do, there will always be negative people trying to bring you down.  You are an adult and capable of making your own informed decision.  If you two are in love and compatible with each other, why wait?  Just remember, this is your day and you don't owe anyone an explanation. 

  • Just tell them when they ask for a date, "We are having a long engagement. Probably around (insert realistic year)." And if they say you are too young say just that, "Thank you for your opinion, but we are very happy with our decision." and smile! Congrats!
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  • Congrats on your engagement!

    I think as far as telling people, it would be a good idea to reach out to his family and let them know. It could cause more problems and tension to have them find out from anyone but you and your FI. As for any of your friends, that's really up to you. You could send a general text or just tell people as you see them and are catching them up on your life. It doesn't have to be a big, grand thing :)

    You don't need to explain the length of your engagement to anyone. If they ask when the wedding is just tell them whatever you are comfortable with, which can be as simple as "we haven't decided yet" or "we're planning on a longer engagement"

    And finally, with the wedding band, I think you should do whatever you are comfortable with. Personally, I wouldn't want to wear a wedding band before being married. But if you are good with it, then go for it!


  • Congratulations!

    I was engaged on my 24th birthday, and I did not really have any bad reactions as to my age. However, I will say that the second you are engaged people will somehow expect you to have everything figured out. I do not understand it. I was asked almost every single shift at work if I had found a venue yet when we were not even really looking at the time.

    It is really up to you when you decide to wear your band. I would probably wait until the ceremony when fiance gets his ring for the first time though.
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  • Congratulations :)

    As far as wearing the wedding band also...I'm betting the majority of people won't even notice. Or if they do, they won't be curious enough to ask.
  • Congratulations! We had a family event on my FI's side the night he proposed (Christmas Eve) so, of course, by the end of the night his entire family knew and were extatic for us. His mom and step-dad knew before he even asked me because he had the ring pre-sized and sent to their house for safe-keeping. We told my parents the next day, even though we don't typically speak with them (which I have a long story about that also if any of you are on wedding woes, you know)....and our announcement fell completely flat. We haven't told the rest of my family, only close friends. I say it's up to you how long your engagement is, when you wear your ring, and as long as it's all about the two of you and how you want things to play out, go for it. Some advice will be decent, some will be outlandish, and some you'll just want to cry about...but in the long run sounds like you have the support of your family, and you have each other so that's really all that matters.
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