BM dress not fitting- am I handling this correctly?

jenna8984 · April 2014

So I have two BM's complete opposite sizes. We went shopping a few weeks ago and there were a few that C and myself really loved but then when we checked, it didn't come in a large enough size for M. We could tell she felt badly about it even though we kept saying "oh no big deal, plenty out there!" At no point were we upset or anything. We finally found ones that we all adored and the largest size was one away from what M needed. She absolutely insisted that we could get the dresses and that she is starting her diet and workout and it will absolutely fit in 5 months. We both told her "No, no, we don't want you to have to worry, let's keep looking" and she refused and said it will fit by then and brought it to the register.

I have seen her successfully lose weight in the past and I'm confident in her. C is not and is terrified- she is keeps emailing me other dresses saying "What about this one, it comes in her size". I told C flat out "Stop. You are wearing the dress we bought. If hers doesn't fit, she's welcome to wear something else and sit in the front row." It's not that I don't LOVE M and want her up there but she put herself in that situation, not me. I told her not to get it, and she got it. So if it doesn't fit it's her problem to either get it insansely altered or take a seat. Is that wrong of me? What else could be done- it's not a plain black dress that she could buy another and match. I honestly think it's a non issue because I have faith in her, I'm just trying to get C off my back about getting new dresses.

Maggie0829 · April 2014

I think you are handling it fine. It was M's decision to buy the dress even though it may not fit her. I understand C being a bit worried and trying to figure out a way to elevate pressure on M, but M is putting the pressure on herself.

Whenever C comes back with another dress choice just keep saying what you are saying.

mysticl · April 2014

jenna8984 said:

So I have two BM's complete opposite sizes. We went shopping a few weeks ago and there were a few that C and myself really loved but then when we checked, it didn't come in a large enough size for M. We could tell she felt badly about it even though we kept saying "oh no big deal, plenty out there!" At no point were we upset or anything. We finally found ones that we all adored and the largest size was one away from what M needed. She absolutely insisted that we could get the dresses and that she is starting her diet and workout and it will absolutely fit in 5 months. We both told her "No, no, we don't want you to have to worry, let's keep looking" and she refused and said it will fit by then and brought it to the register.
I have seen her successfully lose weight in the past and I'm confident in her. C is not and is terrified- she is keeps emailing me other dresses saying "What about this one, it comes in her size". I told C flat out "Stop. You are wearing the dress we bought. If hers doesn't fit, she's welcome to wear something else and sit in the front row." It's not that I don't LOVE M and want her up there but she put herself in that situation, not me. I told her not to get it, and she got it. So if it doesn't fit it's her problem to either get it insansely altered or take a seat. Is that wrong of me? What else could be done- it's not a plain black dress that she could buy another and match. I honestly think it's a non issue because I have faith in her, I'm just trying to get C off my back about getting new dresses.

It will most likely be take a seat. It's fairly easy (for a seamstress) to make a dress smaller but making it bigger is a lot more complicated. Clothing usually doesn't have much of a seam allowance for it to be let out so it can mean finding matching fabric to add panels.

Tell C that you aren't worried so she doesn't need to be worried. Then be supportive of M in her weight loss efforts. That goal of fitting into the dress may be just the motivation she needs.

MairePoppy · April 2014

You could choose a few different styles in the same color so M wouldn't feel like she is preventing C from getting the dress she really wants. If she's bought the dress, though, there's nothing much you can or should do. Let M take responsibility for her own decision and hope for the best. Tell C to butt out.

jenna8984 · April 2014

Thanks ladies!!

STARMOON44 · April 2014

I wouldn't have looked at any dresses that didn't come in everyone's size. How awful to have to keep saying "nope too fat for that one ". No wonder she eventually agreed. I can't believe you'd be ok with her taking a seat over this. I'd go as far as just picking another dress that comes in everyone's size and buying it yourself just in case.

QueerFemme · April 2014

I would have never shopped at a store that didn't carry sizes for all of your BMs. No wonder she just agreed to try to lose the weight. There are tons of stores that have sizing all the way up to 28 or 32 in some selections. You shouldn't have gone anywhere that didn't have her size, honestly.

So, in the situation you are in now, I guess there isn't anything else you can do. But, I think you created the problem to begin with.

jenna8984 · April 2014

@queerfemme @starmoon44 Obviously as someone who struggles with weight she doesn't like to talk about it....so I had no idea what size she was. For me being a 6 I had honestly no clue if she was a 18, 22, 26? I don't know what those sizes are and she's sensitive about it so I wasn't going to come right out and ask her. She always says she gets clothing at Macy's so I had no idea half of the lines they carry don't come in her size. How is that my fault?

STARMOON44 · April 2014

When you found the first dress that didn't come in her size, you then knew her size. You should have asked her ahead of time, that would have been fine , or asked a sales lady to help. It's not rocket science that dept store dresses often come in either 2-16 or in plus sizes. I think you've been really insensitive here and under no circumstances should she sit down at the wedding because of the dress. Find a similar nod that fits her.

jenna8984 · April 2014

STARMOON44 said:

When you found the first dress that didn't come in her size, you then knew her size. You should have asked her ahead of time, that would have been fine , or asked a sales lady to help. It's not rocket science that dept store dresses often come in either 2-16 or in plus sizes. I think you've been really insensitive here and under no circumstances should she sit down at the wedding because of the dress. Find a similar nod that fits her.

Actually it is rocket science to someone who has never looked for a dress larger than a 6. How would I know the sizes stop at 16 when she has told me she buys clothes there?

No, I still didn't know her size. She said "Oh I love that one on C, they don't have my size in the store but I can order it online". While we were still in the store she looked on the website and said oh it's not in my size. And that's all she said- she didn't tell me what size.

I take offense here because I tried to be extremely sensitive. We went to David's first because I know they carry all sizes and SHE scoffed at every dress that they were cheaply made and horrible and ugly and she would rather her spend her money in Macy's. So I said fine, we can go there. Once we got there I said go to town and pick whatever you want to try on- I never once said "I choose this". She actually chose/ picked out the dress we bought and she wanted it so badly that she said she'd make it fit. None of it was up to me. I even told her she could wear her bridesmaids dress from her upcoming brother's wedding and that we'd have C buy a matching one and she said no. Trust me, I did everything to work around her first and foremost- C & I weren't prancing around picking out skinny little Jennifer Lopez numbers or something.

STARMOON44 · April 2014

I don't understand how any woman could possibly not know about plus sizes. When you look through racks of clothing to find your size 6 dress, have you ever seen a 28?

I don't care if you take offense. You messed up here and you need to figure out a way to fix it- even if that's just telling her "whether this dress fits or not, I want you standing next to me. If it doesn't you can wear something else."

Maggie0829 · April 2014

jenna8984 said:

STARMOON44 said:

When you found the first dress that didn't come in her size, you then knew her size. You should have asked her ahead of time, that would have been fine , or asked a sales lady to help. It's not rocket science that dept store dresses often come in either 2-16 or in plus sizes. I think you've been really insensitive here and under no circumstances should she sit down at the wedding because of the dress. Find a similar nod that fits her.

Actually it is rocket science to someone who has never looked for a dress larger than a 6. How would I know the sizes stop at 16 when she has told me she buys clothes there?
No, I still didn't know her size. She said "Oh I love that one on C, they don't have my size in the store but I can order it online". While we were still in the store she looked on the website and said oh it's not in my size. And that's all she said- she didn't tell me what size.
I take offense here because I tried to be extremely sensitive. We went to David's first because I know they carry all sizes and SHE scoffed at every dress that they were cheaply made and horrible and ugly and she would rather her spend her money in Macy's. So I said fine, we can go there. Once we got there I said go to town and pick whatever you want to try on- I never once said "I choose this". She actually chose/ picked out the dress we bought and she wanted it so badly that she said she'd make it fit. None of it was up to me. I even told her she could wear her bridesmaids dress from her upcoming brother's wedding and that we'd have C buy a matching one and she said no. Trust me, I did everything to work around her first and foremost- C & I weren't prancing around picking out skinny little Jennifer Lopez numbers or something.

Sorry but I think @jenna8984 did do a lot to try and accommodate her BM. She went off of what her friend said ("I shop at Macy's all the time", "they don't have my size in the store but I can order it online") and she even provided options such as buying from DB which has a large range of sizes or her friend wearing a dress she already owned. What more should she of done? I don't think she messed up at all. She provided a lot of options that would have worked for her BM but the girl said no and decided on her own to purchase a too small dress. It certainly didn't seem that Jenna forced a dress on this girl and told her that she had to purchase it and stuff herself into it or else sit her ass down with the rest of the guests.

KGold80 · April 2014

jenna8984 said:

So I have two BM's complete opposite sizes. We went shopping a few weeks ago and there were a few that C and myself really loved but then when we checked, it didn't come in a large enough size for M. We could tell she felt badly about it even though we kept saying "oh no big deal, plenty out there!" At no point were we upset or anything. We finally found ones that we all adored and the largest size was one away from what M needed. She absolutely insisted that we could get the dresses and that she is starting her diet and workout and it will absolutely fit in 5 months. We both told her "No, no, we don't want you to have to worry, let's keep looking" and she refused and said it will fit by then and brought it to the register.
I have seen her successfully lose weight in the past and I'm confident in her. C is not and is terrified- she is keeps emailing me other dresses saying "What about this one, it comes in her size". I told C flat out "Stop. You are wearing the dress we bought. If hers doesn't fit, she's welcome to wear something else and sit in the front row." It's not that I don't LOVE M and want her up there but she put herself in that situation, not me. I told her not to get it, and she got it. So if it doesn't fit it's her problem to either get it insansely altered or take a seat. Is that wrong of me? What else could be done- it's not a plain black dress that she could buy another and match. I honestly think it's a non issue because I have faith in her, I'm just trying to get C off my back about getting new dresses.

I really don't think it was very nice to say that, particularly to one friend about another.

Macy's has a decent return policy, right? So if M doesn't lose weight within the 90 days or whatever allowed for returns and it's not looking promising, it probably wouldn't be too late to buy a different dress. Do they have to match? It seems a little unfair to ask two women with wildly different body types to wear the exact same dress. Maybe that's the problem.

jenna8984 · April 2014

Thank you @maggie0829 !

I did repeatedly say "The dresses don't have to be the same". And the two of them kept saying amongst themselves that it would be ok if there were more bridesmaids but with only two it looked bad. I didn't think it looked bad at all and kept telling them that but the two of them are convinced they need to match.

I know in my conscience that I tried everything to be sensitive and flexible for her, and that wasn't my issue in the original post. It was more how to convince C to stop being stressed about it, just leave it alone, it's not her problem, and it'll be fine.

jenna8984 · April 2014

@missax Because of the fact that I offered her literally any dress in the world that she wanted and one she already owned and SHE chose one that didn't fit. Why would that be my responsibility or fault? Of course I want her up there but under those circumstances....?

jenna8984 · April 2014

missax said:

jenna8984 said:

@missax Because of the fact that I offered her literally any dress in the world that she wanted and one she already owned and SHE chose one that didn't fit. Why would that be my responsibility or fault? Of course I want her up there but under those circumstances....?

If you are ok with her wearing another dress now, why would it matter then? To punish her for trying to fit into the dress you wanted? If this was my friend (the key word being friend) I would let it go and if she fit in the dress, great, if not i'd tell her wear whatever she wanted because friendship is more important than a dress.

Again- the dress she wanted- not me.

I understand that but she's not the only person up there. She chose a patterned dress so if she throws on something else last minute it will not match the other bridesmaid. I'm all about her not her being a "prop" for pictures but I'm pretty sure most people would agree a patterned dress and a random solid dress would look stupid together, and the only "requirement" of being a BM is wearing the agreed upon dress.

jenna8984 · April 2014

I actually think those pictures look pretty terrible but thanks for your opinion. We will see what happens in 5 months but like I said from the beginning she is the one who wants to lose weight for herself so I have faith in her to accomplish her personal goals that aren't related to my wedding.

jenna8984 · April 2014

@missax Thank you that is a better perspective. The "take a seat" comment was really to get the other BM to get off my back about it and let it go. I really think she can do it (it's only a half size or one size- again her own goals before I was even engaged) but I honestly think if push comes to shove and the time comes and it doesn't fit, I don't think I could say that to her. I would probably have them run out and find something new together and I'd pay for the other BM's or something along those lines. So I guess I argued my point for no reason, but it was actually very helpful because now I know what I will do in that situation instead. So thank you for your persuasive skills!!

QueerFemme · April 2014

I shop at Macys all the time too. But, anyone who has ever been IN a Macys knows that there is a plus size section. You mean to tell me that if you aren't a plus size, you don't realize that they don't have the exact same styles in "Juniors" or "Misses" than they do in "Womans World"? I call bullshit.

netskyblue2 · April 2014

I have to agree with PPs about it being harsh to say if she can't fit into the dress on your wedding day she's got to sit out. I had a BM for my first wedding who just spaced and didn't get her dress ordered on time. In fact, the only "requirement" I gave my BMs was a color of DB's bridesmaids gowns. Anyway, she ended up having to buy something last minute in a different color off the rack. Yeah, I was disappointed in her flakiness, but she was my best friend, and I didn't make an issue of it.

Who cares "how it looks in pictures" - she's either an honored friend you want to have stand up with you on your wedding day, or she's not.

mysticl · April 2014

QueerFemme said:

I shop at Macys all the time too. But, anyone who has ever been IN a Macys knows that there is a plus size section. You mean to tell me that if you aren't a plus size, you don't realize that they don't have the exact same styles in "Juniors" or "Misses" than they do in "Womans World"? I call bullshit.

Again, the bridesmaid is the one who picked the store and picked the dress. SHE told the bride Macy's would have something in her size. SHE picked out the dress. Even after learning it didn't come in her size SHE insisted on buying it. What was the bride supposed to do? Physically stop her from buying the dress?

And if you aren't a plus size you usually don't go to that part of the store. Just like I no longer look at the juniors department, I have no reason to be there.

mysticl · April 2014

STARMOON44 said:

I don't understand how any woman could possibly not know about plus sizes. When you look through racks of clothing to find your size 6 dress, have you ever seen a 28? I don't care if you take offense. You messed up here and you need to figure out a way to fix it- even if that's just telling her "whether this dress fits or not, I want you standing next to me. If it doesn't you can wear something else."

What does that have to do with anything? The sixes and the twenty-eights aren't in the same section in a department store. So she probably hasn't seen a 28 when she is shopping for herself. That doesn't mean the store doesn't carry them.

Maggie0829 · April 2014

I have to agree with PPs about it being harsh to say if she can't fit into the dress on your wedding day she's got to sit out. I had a BM for my first wedding who just spaced and didn't get her dress ordered on time. In fact, the only "requirement" I gave my BMs was a color of DB's bridesmaids gowns. Anyway, she ended up having to buy something last minute in a different color off the rack. Yeah, I was disappointed in her flakiness, but she was my best friend, and I didn't make an issue of it.

Who cares "how it looks in pictures" - she's either an honored friend you want to have stand up with you on your wedding day, or she's not.

But it was the BMs choice to buy a dress that could potentionally not fit. Not the brides. The bride gave her plenty of options that would have worked for her but the BM chose to not go that route and went with a route that could lead to her not fitting in the dress. The one thing that BMs have to do is buy the dress and show up for the wedding. Part of that 'buy the dress' requirement is fitting into it.

Look I am not saying that if stuff happens that a bride should tell her good friend "well then I guess you won't be in my wedding", but in this situation where the BM chose the dress she did knowing full well that she may not fit into it and the bride was open to whatever may have worked for both of her BMs and didn't force a dress on anybody, then the bride needs to be given some slack. Putting all the blame on the bride is ridiculous. This BM made a choice and choices have consequences.

Lets just hope for all involved that the BM is successful in her weight loss not just to fit in a dress for one day but for her overall health. But I think we need to give Jenna a break. She didn't force her friend into a particular dress.

BM dress not fitting- am I handling this correctly?

Re: BM dress not fitting- am I handling this correctly?

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