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My husband has an 'other' woman

mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
in Wedding Woes

Dear Prudence,
My husband has a close female friend—they met in college, became friends, dated briefly one summer, and then went back to being friends. She eventually married and we enjoyed hanging out as couples. My husband has lunch with her once a month or so, and they text weekly. Recently she and her husband decided to separate. During this turmoil, she has been calling and texting my husband much more often, which is understandable. Now she has asked something that makes me want to put my foot down. We all live on the West Coast, but she hails from the other side of the country. She wants to fly out there with my husband, pick up her old car, then drive all the way back with my husband. He will do just about anything for her. He helped build her a new office, picks her up from the airport, etc., so he wants to do this. He asked me for my permission, but was taken aback when I expressed concern. He feels that I should let him have a “friend” vacation since I get together for a trip with my college roommates—who are female!—once a year. I want to say no because I am really unhappy about this but I don’t want to be “the bad guy” and I don’t want my husband to think I don’t trust him. I would really appreciate some advice.

—Just Say No

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Re: My husband has an 'other' woman

  • NOLABridesmaidNOLABridesmaid member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Nope. Not cool. I would call her and say, "WE" would love to drive you and your car back. What day should we plan on it?
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  • veronicabarkmanveronicabarkman member
    First Comment
    I would say ask him to imagine you asking him to do the same.  Would he be comfortable with you flying across the country with your ex-boyfriend and then road tripping it back home?  I wouldn't think so.  Even if you trust your husband implicitly, some situations are simply inappropriate.  Her relationship has ended which means that she is in a different place mentally than before when you were 2 married couples hanging out.  Being she was married, you would think she could understand the request is out of the ordinary & she should be respecting your marriage more than that.
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  • thejucheideathejucheidea member
    Tenth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    I know that some people don't understand this, but I can't comprehend not trusting my husband to this extent. Most of my husband's friends are female and they hang out without me all the time. It wouldn't bother me at all to have him drive across the country with one of his friends because they're just that: friends.

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  • NOLABridesmaidNOLABridesmaid member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited April 2014

    I think the red flag is how much she leans on the other lady's husband for support in all areas of her life. I have a few male friends but I also know that once they get married some aspects of our friendship will and should change.

     

    No, I'm not going to blow up his phone all of the time and no he's not going to be the first person I call when I have a problem.

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  • LarraO2530LarraO2530 member
    100 Comments 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    I may be a little bit on the bitchy side but I would be more untrusting of the other woman, not my husband. I've had some back-stabbing experiences with ladies I've thought to be my friends. There are few things I would be uncomfortable with my FI doing, but this would definitely be one of them. I don't care how close the 3 of you are, it's just inappropriate for her to even ask. I don't think you are the "bad guy" at all for expressing your feelings. Like you said, you're yearly trip is with a bunch of GIRL friends...I think he would be a little more understanding of your feelings if you hypothetically put the shoe on the other foot.
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  • MNNEBrideMNNEBride member
    Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    Reading comprehension fails never cease to amaze me.
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  • baconsmombaconsmom member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    I'm with Juche. This wouldn't bother me at all on a relationship level. Of course, my H can't just take a week off of work and be able to afford a plane ticket and a cross-country drive, so maybe it's moot, but I just can't get worked up about him being a good friend. 
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  • ReturnOfKuusReturnOfKuus member
    Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    I don't think she'd have a problem with it were it a female friend he'd never been into, ever.  Ex-girlfriend?  Inappropriate.
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  • VarunaTTVarunaTT member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited April 2014
    My kneejerk reaction was No.  Then I realized it was kneejerk.  

    This friendship has been around for a long while now, the brief romantic relationship shouldn't be the sum or even majority of their relationship..  I think saying would be reducing both my husband and his friend to sexes who can't control themselves.  If that were true, something would've happened awhile ago, spouses or no spouses, and maybe not even with each other.  

    If DH's best female friend needed help, I'd want us to be there for her and if it couldn't be us, I'd want him to.  And I wouldn't want to be a female driving cross country by myself or with someone I knew I couldn't stand in the car.  I'd want my BFF.  On the other shoe, I'd be enraged if my BFF, who happens to be male, had a spouse who did this to him and me. 
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  • ReturnOfKuusReturnOfKuus member
    Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    The way the OP says that they dated right in the first sentence, and the way she says he'd do anything for this woman, makes me think there has always been something hinky with this friendship from the wife's point of view.  I suspect it was not the husband's decision that they go back to being just friends back in the day.
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  • Fairyjen1Fairyjen1 member
    250 Love Its 100 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
         I wouldn't be okay with this. I would be okay if we both could go with her, but not he and her on their own. Just my boundary. I also wouldn't expect he'd be okay with this scenario where are situations reversed and I had a guy friend who wanted me to do this. 
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  • thejucheideathejucheidea member
    Tenth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    I've gone on vacations alone to see my two best guy friends before, one who I dated in high school. Husband did not care in the least. In fact, I'm going to visit one next month without him. nbd.

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  • lc07lc07 member
    Tenth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    The driving and road trip in general would not bother me. If they were sharing a hotel room that would cross a line with my personal comfort level. If they had always had a platonic relationship while both single I would not care about the hotel room sharing. But since there was some level of attraction at some point in their lives, sharing a hotel room is too intimate for my taste. 
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  • larrygagalarrygaga member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    I would not be okay with this. It's one thing to have friends, but husbands don't just go off and take trips with other women without his wife. No no no
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  • jimandpam87jimandpam87 member
    100 Love Its 100 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper
    Yeah, no.  This would not be happening if it were me.  It's one thing to hang out, go eat lunch alone, text, etc.  But a road trip across the country?  I don't think so.  And honestly, I don't think it makes anyone a jealous bitch for thinking that.  It's called boundaries that should be in place when a person is married.  It's not about trust, although at that point, I certainly would be a little untrusting of the emotional, newly-divorced female friend (who happened to previously date husband).
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