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Warning: New and need to vent!

SammiQ316SammiQ316 member
First Comment
in Snarky Brides
Okay, fellow Knotties...I'm new on here, and excited to have a place to talk wedding and vent (since most of my friends are unmarried and don't seem to "get it"!

This would fall under "venting"...

So, my FH and I were talking wedding party. Mine was easy...his was going to be easy too, except for the choosing of the best man. My FH has two incredibly close friends. He's known both for over a decade. He made his decision for a plethora of reasons, one of which being that option A tried to talk him out of marrying me (He "likes" me but thinks it's too soon...he's been in a 7 year relationship and never wants to marry). Option A also has no fun, no personality, and though he is a nice guy, wasn't the one who my FH felt should give him away. Personally, I think he made the right choice by choosing the other friend, who is now his Best Man. I've noticed that he seems to be "grown out" of that friendship, and I think the tantrum that follows will explain why I say that...

Well, back up, a bit. FH made this choice, asked his best man, and his best man is STOKED. Absolutely excited. Well, the Unchosen One messages my FH and asks "should I go ahead and assume best man duties?" to which FH had to break the news. He did this VERY delicately, which I was proud of. He basically said, "I love you, dude, but X is it. We were going to ask the wedding party later, but since you asked, I need you in my wedding, and I want you to be a groomsman!"

The guy freaks out, starts acting like a petulant child, starts saying "I thought all these years it would never be a question...blah blah....I don't want to be in your wedding if I'm not best man." He even told my FH "I didn't even know you and X were SUCH great friends!"

My FH has asked him 3 times since our engagement and he's said no. I think he's just trying to be heard now and throwing a tantrum. However, years down the road, is my FH going to be upset this guy wasn't in our wedding photos? If the guy is willing to throw this sort of a tantrum will he even show up? Will he say something shitty at the wedding? I'm so worried!!!

Eternally grateful I have a place to vent... new comrades... :)
<3


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Re: Warning: New and need to vent!

  • SammiQ316SammiQ316 member
    First Comment
    In all fairness to my Fi, the guy kept telling him "I might change my mind" and giving him some inkling that he would change his mind. He finally agreed that this is for the best and is angry about his immaturity. I have a feeling there is more fallout to be had... UGH. 

    Also, I'm not sure what the dude meant by "duties". I think he was referring to preparing a speech and planning a bachelor party. The guy he chose is being VERY helpful and understanding of everything. I know my Fi made the right decision. I just needed to complain for a second. Who knew my wedding would bring out people's true colors!?
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  • Vivandiere8Vivandiere8 member
    250 Love Its Third Anniversary 100 Comments Name Dropper
    SammiQ316 said:
    In all fairness to my Fi, the guy kept telling him "I might change my mind" and giving him some inkling that he would change his mind. He finally agreed that this is for the best and is angry about his immaturity. I have a feeling there is more fallout to be had... UGH. 

    Also, I'm not sure what the dude meant by "duties". I think he was referring to preparing a speech and planning a bachelor party. The guy he chose is being VERY helpful and understanding of everything. I know my Fi made the right decision. I just needed to complain for a second. Who knew my wedding would bring out people's true colors!?
    As many have found on here weddings do tend to bring out the worst in some people. Some of the stories on here go from hilarious, to bizarre, to almost frightening!  Almost everyone I've known who has been married had at least one person who acted out in ways that they wouldn't have suspected before the engagement was announced. I definitely feel for you.

    I know it's more of a vent than advice seeking, but I still have to say if I were you two I would probably back away from this friend untill after the wedding. Since he has turned it down I would take asking him to be a groomsman off the table.  He seems to take joy in being very mellow dramatic about it, and I would suspect even if he changed his mind he would change it again, and keep the issue going for the attention. I think the only reason he said he "might change his mind" is because he wants to keep being asked, and he wants to keep showing just how upset he is at not being asked to be the best man.

    But anyway, welcome to the boards! I am very happy you found us. Reading through the threads really helps because you can see others who go through similar troubles and feel a kinship, or others going through worse that make you realise you have it pretty good!
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  • SammiQ316SammiQ316 member
    First Comment
    I'm glad I'm not the only one! I totally agree that he just wants to draw attention to his tantrum by giving iffy answers. My Fi didn't see it, until I was finally like "Okay, you need to drop it or ask him a last chance...we have to make a decision at some point!"

    Thanks!!! I'm happy I found ya'll, too. :)
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  • jules3964jules3964 member
    100 Comments 100 Love Its Name Dropper
    SammiQ316 said:

    My FH has asked him 3 times since our engagement and he's said no. I think he's just trying to be heard now and throwing a tantrum. However, years down the road, is my FH going to be upset this guy wasn't in our wedding photos? If the guy is willing to throw this sort of a tantrum will he even show up? Will he say something shitty at the wedding? I'm so worried!!!

    Eternally grateful I have a place to vent... new comrades... :)
    <3


    If your FI's friend refuses to be part of the wedding (and thus is excluded from wedding photos), I don't think anyone should be upset down the road because of it. Seriously, the grown man has to throw a tantrum? I wouldn't want that guy in my photos! His immaturity shows FI picked the right friend to be best man.

    I'd have FI drop it at this point. I imagine the friend will eventually come around and take the GM title, but at that point it's up to you guys if you want to tell him no, too late. Which will probably create another tantrum...
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  • SammiQ316SammiQ316 member
    First Comment
    Unfortunately, it's too late for him. We can't hold off on it. It's OUR wedding...not HIS. I know he's trying to prove a point, but JEEZ...27 year old "man" throwing a tantrum?! I would expect this out of a teenage girl!!!!!! UGHHH
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  • vulpiepopvulpiepop member
    500 Comments 250 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    Wow, that's pretty lame of him. It could be that he thinks that his being upset and letting it be known will make your FI reconsider (the screaming baby gets the milk, right?). Although my problems with friends have not been nearly as severe (yet), I'm finding that some people will act a certain way (in some cases somewhat similar to this) to convince us to change some of our wedding plans to their liking. It's immature and really quite selfish; after all, it's your wedding, not his. It's up to you and your FI as to what you do with this friend, but I wouldn't worry about him just not showing up and I certainly wouldn't want him to be GM after that (aren't people in the wedding party supposed to support and be happy for your union?).

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  • thisismynickname2thisismynickname2 member
    5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    So... I'll just say that this all sucks now, but in the long run, hopefully everyone can look back and laugh at the general immaturity. I know a guy who was very hurt to not be a groomsman for a guy he considered his best friend. He proceeded to get shit-faced at the wedding and passed out in the bathroom. The passing out, not the reason for the behavior, is a tale that still gets told along with other subsequent tales of idiot wedding behavior over the years. Everyone just has so much stuff going on in their lives and we all just aren't on the same page all the time.
    Dude will get over it, give it time.
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  • huskypuppy14huskypuppy14 member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited April 2014
    SammiQ316 said: Unfortunately, it's too late for him. We can't hold off on it. It's OUR wedding...not HIS. I know he's trying to prove a point, but JEEZ...27 year old "man" throwing a tantrum?! I would expect this out of a teenage girl!!!!!! UGHHH
    ____________________________________________________________________ It's fine if you don't want this guy in your wedding (I certainly wouldn't), but there is no timeline for being in the bridal party. What is it too late for? Remember, bride and grooms sides do not have to be even. If the guy changes his mind,     and if your FI wants him in the wedding party, then there is no reason he couldn't be a groomsman. 

    I agree with everyone else, this guy is being a tool, and a drama king, but your FI could have had 2 best men (not that this guy should be the best man, just that it is in an option). I also want to reiterate that wedding attendants are not props. You choose who you want, and your FI chooses who he wants. 
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  • Bubblegum5586Bubblegum5586 member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    SammiQ316 when is your wedding? Tuxes can be ordered 2 weeks in advance for some companies (Men's Wearhouse). I say drop it for now and when you get the tux info together for your groomsmen have FI ask one last time, that is IF he wants to. In the meantime don't discuss the wedding with him, it will just give him more opportunity to cause drama.

    Is it the specific title he is upset about? Or he wants to give a toast? (anyone can give a toast btw). Does he want to plan the Bachelor Party? I know there are no real "duties" for your wedding party but typically you see the bridesmaids do a lot more then the groomsmen.... so I guess he is just upset about the actual title?!
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  • mbross3mbross3 member
    250 Love Its 100 Comments First Anniversary First Answer
    Ugh! That is so annoying. I would have said after your FI asking once and being turned down, that should be the end of it. Since your FI has asked 3 times and been turned down each time, I would not bring it up again. Clearly this friend has some issues that need to be worked out (or he's just the biggest AW ever). Move on from it, he sounds immature and not like someone you need at your wedding! 

    I would step back from this friend and just enjoy the time you and your FI are engaged. You don't need that negative energy stressing you out! :)
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  • short+sassyshort+sassy member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers

    Welcome to the site!  I got married almost a year and still hang out on here, lol.  There are a lot of nice people here and so many interesting stories to hear.  And it is a great place to vent.

    The other PPs have said it best so I won't rehash much.  When you all get your wedding photos back, assuming Drama King is still not a groomsman, your FI will probably have a moment or two of "Man, I wish Drama King wouldn't have been such a baby and stood up with me," but you all will primarily be excited to have all your awesome photos and enjoy reliving the day.  It won't be an issue or drastically mar either the wedding day or your photos.

    You will have a better idea of this once the wedding gets closer, but if you are still worried Drama King might act out and make a scene, perhaps one or two of your FI's other friends can be alerted to the potential problem.  And be ready to escort him out and/or mellow him out if he starts getting out of hand.  

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  • SammiQ316SammiQ316 member
    First Comment
    Good call, everyone!
    So, for now, he's out and he knows it. I'm glad. I am tempted to put "No CHILDREN OVER the ages of 13 allowed"...

    Yes, he is upset about just the title. It's all about not being named Best Man. My Fi seems wayyy okay with it now, anyway!
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  • cruffinocruffino member
    Ninth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    He was hurt and he acted out. That sucks, but dare I say you are experiencing just a bit of pleasure since this guy tried "to talk your FI out of marrying you"?
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