How to politely tell someone who RSVPs "no" not to send gift?

ladyamanuet · April 2014

I have several folks that I am not in frequent contact with but still consider friends. They live out of town (I'm in the South, one pair is in Cali, one pair is in New England). It would never occur to me not to invite them, but since we aren't frequently in touch, I don't know how the invite will come across. For me, if I were to receive an invite from someone I still considered a friend but didn't speak to but once or twice a year, I would be delighted (but I love weddings!). But since contact is infrequent (and somewhat steadily declining as lives progress on) I do not want to appear gift grabby - someone suggested sending an invite to people you are pretty sure will RSVP "no" is doing so just to get a gift.

I do not care one tiny little bit if I get any gifts - FH and I have lived together for 5 years, at this point we have pretty much everything to complete a home. But I also don't want to appear rude. I want to invite them, but I want it clear that their presence is the only thing I care about. "Nothing like a wedding to get folks back in touch more frequently" type thing.

I deeply regret that we've drifted apart, but still consider them "in my life", however peripheral that might be. I am unsure what to do. I think it is likely both will RSVP "no" due to travel time and expense, but I don't want to not invite them and not give them the opportunity to attend should they want to. But I also don't want to rub anyone the wrong way. Should I invite them? Not invite them? If I invite them and they RSVP "no", is there a polite way to tell them to please not send anything?

STDs haven't even gone out yet - is there a way to politely gauge their interest in attending before we do anything so this isn't even a problem?

Inkdancer · April 2014

You don't know yet whether they will or will not come, so you're probably getting ahead of yourself.

That said, just invite them. For people I had been out of touch with for a long time, I sent a heartfelt note instead of a Save-the-Date and explained that although we had fallen out of touch, I still loved them very much and their presence would mean the world to me. I have gotten 100% positive response from this--everyone enjoys knowing that they are loved! So send them a note first and go from there.

Emmy1493 · April 2014

No, I wouldn't mention it. If you send that, it sounds as though you are presuming they were going to give you one, or expected. That sounds more gift grabby to me than the invite in itself.

Sars06 · April 2014

You sound like a polite person, so I doubt your friends will interpret your invitation as a gift grab. If they do, they are the ones who are being crass. It's an invitation, not an invoice.

There is nothing wrong with informally calling or sending an email ahead of time to let them know that they'll be getting an invitation. However, you shouldn't "gauge their interest" before you decide to invite them. You either want them there or you don't.

ladyamanuet · April 2014

I honestly wouldn't even have thought about it had someone not said to me that inviting folks you aren't in frequent contact with is "gift grabby". That thought never occurred to me, so it threw me for a loop as far as how it would be perceived. I know talking about gifts to guests at all is "taboo" - even to say no, so I was/am more concerned about making it clear I want THEM and nothing else.

I love Inkdancer's idea - a note saying something along the lines of "hey I know it has been a while but I'm getting married and would love it if you can come so we can finally catch up" along with the STD. I think that makes it clear I want them in the best way possible

jules3964 · April 2014

I think if you really want them there, you should invite them. End of story. If by chance they can make it, awesome. If they can't, they are not obligated to send a gift anyway. (No one is obligated to give a gift, even if they come to the wedding.)

I invited an old friend from high school that lives a state away and who I see very occasionally. When I contacted her to get her current address, I just explained that I really wanted to send her an invite, and would absolutely love for her to attend -- but understood if she couldn't make it. I don't think it's ever a bad thing to make someone feel included.

ladyamanuet · April 2014

@Sars06 - I completely understand your point. I guess what I meant by "gauge their interest" was that, though I want them there, I don't want to make them feel bad about having to decline by sending a formal invite. I am sure I am totally over thinking everything now. I really want to punch the person that said that to me in the face - she's thrown me completely out of whack! ;P

ladyamanuet · April 2014

@jules3964 - Thanks! One I will have to call for an updated address so that definitely works too.

I am so aware that gifts aren't obligatory - again, it is that person that said that to me that got me over thinking everything. I just know that some people ALWAYS send a gift, whether they attend or not, and just don't want to appear that I am looking for that. I didn't think that I was appearing that way at all until that devil-woman said something

Sars06 · April 2014

ladyamanuet said:

@Sars06 - I completely understand your point. I guess what I meant by "gauge their interest" was that, though I want them there, I don't want to make them feel bad about having to decline by sending a formal invite. I am sure I am totally over thinking everything now. I really want to punch the person that said that to me in the face - she's thrown me completely out of whack! ;P

You are totally overthinking it! As long as you are doing things according to etiquette and don't have a reputation for being greedy and rude, just trust that no one will ascribe ill intentions to your actions.

jules3964 · April 2014

Sars06 said:

ladyamanuet said:

@Sars06 - I completely understand your point. I guess what I meant by "gauge their interest" was that, though I want them there, I don't want to make them feel bad about having to decline by sending a formal invite. I am sure I am totally over thinking everything now. I really want to punch the person that said that to me in the face - she's thrown me completely out of whack! ;P

You are totally overthinking it! As long as you are doing things according to etiquette and don't have a reputation for being greedy and rude, just trust that no one will ascribe ill intentions to your actions.

This.

And, it really sounds like you want to invite them! Not inviting them just because you're afraid you'll look gift-grabby would be sad.

crazypuglady · April 2014

People who want to send you gifts will send you gifts regardless. People who don't want to send you a gift, won't. Think about it.. what if the roles were reversed.. what if one of these far-away friends were inviting you to their wedding, and you couldn't make it.. would you still send them a gift? If it were me, I would, because I love this friend, am really excited for them, and would have been there if I could.

No one would think you're gift grabby, because gifts are not obligatory. You are simply inviting people you feel are important to you to share a big moment in your life.

STARMOON44 · April 2014

I recently got an invite to my childhood best friend's wedding. We hadn't really spoken since we were 13. It was halfway across the country from me. I went and it was really a special occasion. I felt honored to be invited. Go for it.

wrigleyville · April 2014

You are overthinking this.

I would be delighted to get a wedding invitation from anyone, no matter where the wedding is or how long it's been since we've spoken. It's nice to know someone is thinking of me.

If I can't go, then I know I have the option of declining and that a card/gift are not required. If it's someone close to me, I send a card with a check. If it's someone I haven't seen or spoken to since high school and really don't feel close to, I simply decline and send them a note of good wishes, thanks for thinking of me, etc.

lc07 · April 2014

You are overthinking this.

Invite them. Make no mention of gifts or "I understand if you cannot attend". They will accept or decline. They will send a gift or they will not.

I have declined weddings and not sent a gift. I have declined other events or weddings and sent a gift. I don't feel obligated to send you a gift. Ever. No one is. If you sent me an invitation to your wedding, I would be honored that you would like my presence at this big moment in your life. End of story.

AddieCake · April 2014

I do not understand why so many brides think they need to include notes, disclaimers, messages, clarifications, etc with invitations.

ladyamanuet · April 2014

Again, I don't think I need to include a "disclaimer" and absolutely wasn't planning to. I was going to send the STD and invite just as they are. It wasn't until someone told me inviting an OOT guest that I only speak to once or twice a year appears "gift grabby" and not as though I just want them there - of course the reason why I am inviting them, because I want them there.

Because I am not a PPD "me, me, me!" bride, I was concerned about the etiquette of inviting OOT guests that are on an infrequent contact basis, hence my question - not to include a disclaimer, but to make it clear in some way that I want them.

The posts saying to extend how much I wish to see them when I ask for the updated address is exactly how I plan on addressing it.

thisismynickname2 · April 2014

While I like Inkdancer's idea, I'm surprised people bother to invite those they're not close with anymore. If you have a large budget, awesome. I'd find it hard to gauge my final numbers for budget purposes because B-listing is wrong.

Weddings aren't a time to catch up, particularly if you have a large enough budget to accommodate very wide circles. I've never been to a wedding where I had anything more than a superficial conversation with the happy couple. If I'm that close to the couple, I'm already up-to-date on their lives and everything's more of a "woo, married! drinks all around" kind of environment.

Inkdancer · April 2014

@thisismynickname I can see your point, to some extent, but I think there are two categories of people in the "we are not close" category.

First is people like my great-uncle or my kindergarten teacher-- we are not close, never have been, and are only vaguely connected. These people I would not bother to invite at all.

Others are long time family friends and such--people who you were very close to, and still care very much about, even if the fact that they moved to Canada got in the way of continuing to see them and keep up with them all the time. These are the people I reached out to, because I never stopped considering them friends and I hope they feel the same about me.

ladyamanuet · April 2014

@inkdancer has it spot on, @thisismynickname. We have a very small budget and we are having around 70 people at the wedding, most of them family.

For one of the couples, in example, we used to be very close, I was a BM in her wedding a few years ago, but life and distance has made it so we don't have the monthly contact we used to. She's on the west coast, I am east coast, she and her hubby are always traveling overseas, I have 3 step kids - though we chat on FB occasionally, we don't have the hour long phone calls we used to. I still love seeing what is happening in her life though, and still care about her a lot. So she was always on my mind when considering budgets and lists - she's not a b-lister or someone I am adding in because budget allows.

That's why I didn't think twice about just sending her a STD and Invite - until that devil-woman told me it seemed to her that I was only inviting them hoping to get a gift. (She's not a friend, this person, she's a friend of a friend and so I should have put no weight on what she said - but since I am overly conscious of etiquette I did not want to break a rule I didn't know existed - hence me coming to the E board)

cmclaire · April 2014

I'd be delighted to receive such an invite. I also *like* to send a card and gift to the wedding of loved ones which I can't attend (case in point, a dear friend who is marrying in early July while my school is still in session).

Jen4948 · April 2014

Inkdancer said:

You don't know yet whether they will or will not come, so you're probably getting ahead of yourself.

That said, just invite them. For people I had been out of touch with for a long time, I sent a heartfelt note instead of a Save-the-Date and explained that although we had fallen out of touch, I still loved them very much and their presence would mean the world to me. I have gotten 100% positive response from this--everyone enjoys knowing that they are loved! So send them a note first and go from there.

This is an awesome course of action.

Edited to add: If I get a save-the-date or the equivalent from someone I haven't seen in some time but still feel close to, I'd be very honored to receive it even if I can't go. And I'd be happy to catch up at my wedding. We couldn't spend a lot of time together, but even to say hello in person is "catching up."

ladyamanuet · April 2014

Jen4948 said:

This is an awesome course of action.

Edited to add: If I get a save-the-date or the equivalent from someone I haven't seen in some time but still feel close to, I'd be very honored to receive it even if I can't go. And I'd be happy to catch up at my wedding. We couldn't spend a lot of time together, but even to say hello in person is "catching up."

This. I also see the "excuse" to get together in person as an impetus to be more proactive on the staying-in-touch front. Sometimes you just need a catalyst

Even if they can't come, sending the Save-the-Date is a way to jump start being in better touch with each other.

Thank you ladies, for your input. I didn't think it was rude to invite them and I am glad I was right. I'll do a better job of ignoring that person should we be around each other again

How to politely tell someone who RSVPs "no" not to send gift?

Re: How to politely tell someone who RSVPs "no" not to send gift?

Choose Another Board

Search Boards

How to politely tell someone who RSVPs "no" not to send gift?

Re: How to politely tell someone who RSVPs &quot;no&quot; not to send gift?

Choose Another Board

Search Boards

Re: How to politely tell someone who RSVPs "no" not to send gift?