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rehearsal dinner w/ many OOT bridal guests

classyduckclassyduck member
First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
in Wedding Customs & Traditions Forum
As I understand it (and do please correct me if I'm wrong) typical invites to the rehearsal dinner are the wedding party and their SO's, the immediate family of the bride and groom, and sometimes out of town guests.

Well, all of my extended family is far away, and I am grateful that several of them are planning to fly in for my wedding. I want to include them in the rehearsal dinner.

However, my FH's parents have expressed their intention to pay for the rehearsal dinner. So, I feel guilty inviting a bunch of my out of town family that I would love to see and spend time with. My mom is comfortable with money, and I'm sure she'd be fine with paying for them.

How can I approach this? Should I suggest they split the rehearsal dinner costs? I don't like the idea of the grooms parents paying for a bridal family reunion, but I simply can't ignore the opportunity to visit with family I rarely get to see.

Help!
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Re: rehearsal dinner w/ many OOT bridal guests

  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited April 2014
    To be honest, you can't approach your FI's parents about inviting anyone other than yourself and your FI, your immediate families, and your wedding party members.  As the hosts of the rehearsal dinner, they get to decide on the guest list, and if they don't want to entertain your OOT guests, even if you offer to pay for it, I'm afraid that's their prerogative.  It's not okay for guests (and for this event, you are a guest) to dictate to hosts the terms of their hospitality.  (That's also why guests offering to pay for alcoholic drinks not offered for free by hosts is rude.)

    You can arrange for some kind of hospitality to happen for your OOT guests while the rehearsal dinner is happening, perhaps, but the actual rehearsal dinner is out of your hands.  If they don't choose to invite your OOT guests, then unfortunately, you'll have to accept that the rehearsal dinner is not a time or place where you can "catch up" with them.  You'll have to do that outside of the rehearsal dinner.
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  • lyndausvilyndausvi mod
    First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    Your FFI's expressed an interested, but has anything be planned yet?  If not I would be approach them to say that you appreciate their offer, but you would like to invite OOT family.  Seeing as the extra invitees would increase the budget  you (or your mom if she offers) would like to co-host the event.  See where the conversation goes.


    If things have been planned, then maybe you could host a welcome event someone after the dinner for everyone.  Something simple like drinks and snacks.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
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  • MairePoppyMairePoppy mod
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited April 2014
    If your FILs are hosting, you should take their lead. If they offer to host OOT guests, then it's fine to add the number of guests they specify. We had an MOG, a while back, who was looking forward to hosting the RD. The bride's parents decided to host the RD, as well as the wedding, so they could  invite whoever they wanted. MOG was very hurt that she was denied her opportunity to show hospitality, as it was her family's tradition. 

    I understand that you want to spend more time with your OOT family. Could you host a day after the wedding get together?
                       
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  • princessleia22princessleia22 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment First Answer
    Why not just ask FMIL what she was thinking for guest list count and have a discussion with her about it.  Maybe she is perfectly fine with including the OOT people.  If that is more people than she was expecting to host, maybe offer at that time to co-host it.

    image 

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  • classyduckclassyduck member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    Thanks everyone for the replies. I think we will probably just go with the flow for the rehearsal dinner and let the groom's parents handle it --including the invites. If possible, I'll try and have time with family too -- maybe a luncheon the day before or after the wedding.
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