The ring is being made and the proposal is just around the corner...

leahwirth · April 2014

...but the wedding itself will not be until January of 2016. I'm not too sure when I am supposed to ask my girls to be MoH/BMs. My guy will most likely need the help of my (hopefully) MoH for the proposal itself. Should I let her know he might reach out to her and ask her if she would do me the honor? Maybe not discuss with the others yet, but at least get her on board? It's all terribly unorthodox, I know, but alas this is my situation :0)

Blue & White · April 2014

She doesn't need to be your MoH to help in the proposal. You really shouldn't ask your girls more than 8-10 months in advance. Friendships change - the last wedding I was in one of the bridesmaids went psycho and bad mouthed the bride all over the place and dropped out of the wedding the week before the shower. It was a shitshow. And they WERE besties since high school. Not anymore.

It was mostly awkward for me because crazy bridesmaid kept venting to me about bride and I was like "um my loyalties...help!"

KeptInStitches · April 2014

Don't ask anyone to be part of the wedding party until 6-8 months from the wedding day. Relationships can change a lot.

I wouldn't let your good friend / sister know you think the proposal is coming - let your BF reach out to her if he wants to. She'd most likely be willing to help either way.

ETA: 8-10 months? 6-8 months? Definitely not now, and I think the exact time frame depends on your area and how long it would take to order dresses. 6-8 months is reasonable where I am.

GoldenPenguin · April 2014

Do you know his proposal plans? Why do you think he'd need your maybe-someday-MOH to help him propose?

dreamlover129 · April 2014

I am in the exact same boat as you! He showed me an email from the jeweler that the ring came in and it looks great! So I am just waiting now for him to ask me.

phira · April 2014

It's inadvisable to ask people to be part of the wedding party more than 6-8 months before the wedding. Obviously, a lot of people (myself included) do it anyway; often we're asking siblings. But I bet my friend regrets asking me to be a bridesmaid over a year before her wedding. Not in a bad way: I still love her and she still loves me, and we're still friends. But had she asked me to be a bridesmaid 6-8 months before the wedding, I would have said no because of my financial situation. She might not even have asked me; we hadn't been in touch as much as we had been a year before that. Instead, we both stressed out a lot, and I had to drop out of the wedding party only 3 months before the wedding.

It's EXTREMELY inadvisable to ask people to be a part of the wedding party when you are not engaged.

bethsmiles · April 2014

Pepperally · April 2014

If your friend may be helpful with the proposal, that's for your bf to figure out how to pull off/contact, stay out of it. Also, agreed don't choose your wedding party before you're even engaged or this far in advance. Friendships change and you may end up with regrets.

GoldenPenguin · April 2014

My favorite thing is when people post here for advice and then don't come back.

bananasplit472001 · April 2014

Why are you trying to plan your own engagement? Don't tell anyone. I think the worst kind of engagements are the one's that are staged! If you are not engaged you don't need BM's/MOH they are just your friends and if he enlists them to help out with your engagement then that's fine but don't force it. I really don't get it.

ShallowSeas · April 2014

You ask your friends to be MoH and BMs ONCE YOU'RE ENGAGED.

Dignity100 · April 2014

leahwirth said:

...but the wedding itself will not be until January of 2016. I'm not too sure when I am supposed to ask my girls to be MoH/BMs. My guy will most likely need the help of my (hopefully) MoH for the proposal itself. Should I let her know he might reach out to her and ask her if she would do me the honor? Maybe not discuss with the others yet, but at least get her on board? It's all terribly unorthodox, I know, but alas this is my situation :0)

You shouldn't be planning ANYTHING until you're engaged.

**quoted original**

aspoonfulofsugar · April 2014

No matter if he even has the ring or not, until that ring is on you're finger/you've said "yes," don't bother doing anything.

Wait on asking too. Even though my BP is mainly family, I'm still waiting a few months- trust me, friendships change!

phira · April 2014

Just a friendly reminder that you do not need to have a ring to be engaged. That doesn't mean the OP is engaged. Just that not everyone does engagement rings; no ring does not mean not engaged.

lilacck28 · April 2014

I know this is not the case for everyone, that some people aren't actually close to getting engaged, and others' preferences will change, but honestly, bookmarking venues and ideas online before I was technically engaged helped me. My fiance and I have been vocal with each other about our engagement/ marriage/ kids timeline from very early on in our relationship. Now, the question is posed, I'm wearing the ring, and we decided on when to get married (as in, May or June of next year). As that is prime wedding season, and I will be getting married at venues that I am anticipating are popular, I need to book a venue quickly. If I had not done a little (fun!) research and bookmarked some of my favorite places, I would be a MESS right now.

Again, I know this doesn't work for everyone, but I think saying "Don't look at / plan ANYTHING until the question has been asked" is a blanket statement that does not apply to every couple and every situation.

bananasplit472001 · April 2014

lilacck28 said:

I know this is not the case for everyone, that some people aren't actually close to getting engaged, and others' preferences will change, but honestly, bookmarking venues and ideas online before I was technically engaged helped me. My fiance and I have been vocal with each other about our engagement/ marriage/ kids timeline from very early on in our relationship. Now, the question is posed, I'm wearing the ring, and we decided on when to get married (as in, May or June of next year). As that is prime wedding season, and I will be getting married at venues that I am anticipating are popular, I need to book a venue quickly. If I had not done a little (fun!) research and bookmarked some of my favorite places, I would be a MESS right now.

Again, I know this doesn't work for everyone, but I think saying "Don't look at / plan ANYTHING until the question has been asked" is a blanket statement that does not apply to every couple and every situation.

I think its ok to discuss in detail with your boyfriend when you would like to be engaged and how you would like to get married. It means that you are on the same page with each other. Looking online at venues or having a pinterest board is also fine. What is not ok is calling, emailing, visiting venues and vendors when you are not even planning a wedding. When you are not engaged you are wasting the venues and vendors time because you may not actually get married for years and things may actually work differently at the venue at that time. It really seems like a waste because it is difficult to actually determine where you want to get married without looking at prices, tasting the food, and considering other important game changing factors (ie: no indoor ceremony location, extra costs, how many guests you will invite etc). You may be able to bookmark a place based on the looks of a place, and that is fine, but seriously considering a place before you get engaged is a little strange to me.

ShallowSeas · April 2014

TwoDimes said:

lilacck28 said:

I know this is not the case for everyone, that some people aren't actually close to getting engaged, and others' preferences will change, but honestly, bookmarking venues and ideas online before I was technically engaged helped me. My fiance and I have been vocal with each other about our engagement/ marriage/ kids timeline from very early on in our relationship. Now, the question is posed, I'm wearing the ring, and we decided on when to get married (as in, May or June of next year). As that is prime wedding season, and I will be getting married at venues that I am anticipating are popular, I need to book a venue quickly. If I had not done a little (fun!) research and bookmarked some of my favorite places, I would be a MESS right now.

Again, I know this doesn't work for everyone, but I think saying "Don't look at / plan ANYTHING until the question has been asked" is a blanket statement that does not apply to every couple and every situation.

I disagree. You don't plan weddings until you are engaged. There is no wedding to plan until both people have agreed to have one (ie -- engagement).

But looking at =/= planning. I don't see anyone lighting pitchforks over a poster LOOKING at something online. But if you are booking vendors or asking BMs, that's PLANNING, not looking. That's different, and that's not ok. It's BSC.

THIS. Once I knew FI had bought me a ring (which sat in the closet for 2 months before he proposed) all of the sudden I started noticing wedding things EVERYWHERE. So if I saw a picture that someone posted on fb, pinterest, instagram wedding related that i liked, I would save it to my phone as a reference. When FI finally proposed, I had an idea of what I liked as far as decor, but that was it. It definitely helped having somewhat of an idea since FI and I are planning our wedding in about 8 months. I wasn't completely clueless about what I wanted, but at the same time, I didn't look at too much WR things because its OUR wedding and FI gets a say in what he likes. He picked our colors and the reception band, and we've picked everything else out together. The only thing he didn't really have a say in was obviously my dress, my BMs, and the bouquets and thats because he really didn't care about that stuff.

Swazzle · April 2014

I personally think it's BSC to actively seek out WR things when you're not engaged.

This might be hypocritical but looking at dresses and/or rings doesn't actually cross that line for me. Dresses and rings are so pretty to look at (I'm married and I still look at these things)! But someone that's actively searching on the internet for a venue -- whether they're contacting them or not -- is BSC to me.

lilacck28 · April 2014

Hmm. My mistake. My definition of "planning" before engagement WAS just looking online, so previous statements I have read about "pre planning" seemed, as I said, exaggerated and harsh. I would agree that contacting venues and vendors before a firm timeline for the marriage ceremony/ reception makes no sense.

And, @swazzle: I giggled when reading your response. I feel like I've been initiated. I take no offense to it, and while I do not consider myself BSC, I can understand that other people would not see looking at venues/ food as fun as looking at rings and dresses. I kind of equate them. "ohh! look at all that light coming in from the window! Pretty!" and "oh that menu looks yummy. "

Engagement, for me (and only me, I know this differs from person to person), meant when my fiance asked "will you marry me" with a ring. He felt engaged long before that, and honestly, so did I. But I wanted to pick a specific time to make it "official", i.e. announce the engagement to family and friends. I learned from this board that I should ask myself what I would consider engaged and to stick with that. But I maintain that looking online at venues before I truly considered myself engaged has been nothing but a help. Now, I have an idea of what I want, and places I might like. I go to my bookmarks, and email the venues for details, and am able to quickly narrow down my list. If I had not done that, micro manager that I am, I would have been on the internet 24/7 right now, freaking out, trying to learn about every venue in my state.

The ring is being made and the proposal is just around the corner...

Re: The ring is being made and the proposal is just around the corner...

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