fmil vent

hyechica81 · April 2014

ok so fi mother is in her late mid 70s ( she had fi later in life) she has not been really happy about the wedding its her only son and hes all she has all of her siblings live on the west coast. she said at one time she was not happy with him getting married and he can handle it and putting him down, my parents have invited her to many holidays and she has refused. i hardly see her myself and when i do shes not overly friendly...

my sister sent her an invite to the shower and she sent me a card with a note that sounded cold and 50$ gift card to one of the stores we registered at. the note said she was declining the invite. she told fi that shes not sure she will go to the reception but will attending the wedding possibly.

now he tells me his mom wants to give each of the 5 groomsmen 100 each as the gift from fi but she wants to mail and write out the checks herself. odd huh she gives us 50 as a shower gift but is giving the guys more money

and on top of it i only planned on getting my bms a bracelet and the shawl that is needed for ceremony

MobKaz · April 2014

hyechica81 said:

ok so fi mother is in her late mid 70s ( she had fi later in life) she has not been really happy about the wedding its her only son and hes all she has all of her siblings live on the west coast. she said at one time she was not happy with him getting married and he can handle it and putting him down, my parents have invited her to many holidays and she has refused. i hardly see her myself and when i do shes not overly friendly...

my sister sent her an invite to the shower and she sent me a card with a note that sounded cold and 50$ gift card to one of the stores we registered at. the note said she was declining the invite. she told fi that shes not sure she will go to the reception but will attending the wedding possibly.

now he tells me his mom wants to give each of the 5 groomsmen 100 each as the gift from fi but she wants to mail and write out the checks herself. odd huh she gives us 50 as a shower gift but is giving the guys more money

and on top of it i only planned on getting my bms a bracelet and the shawl that is needed for ceremony

Why is your FMIL giving gifts on behalf of your FI? No offense, but he should be paying his own "bills". The gift to the groomsmen should be coming from your FI. Is he used to her doing other things for him? He needs to decline that offer.

There is no point reading into the differences between what she gifted your shower and what she may have gifted the groomsmen. You got a gift. Be grateful for that.

If a shawl is NEEDED for the ceremony, then it isn't actually a gift to your BM's.

HisGirlFriday13 · April 2014

First, for the love of God, please use punctuation.

Second, she should not be giving you GMs gifts. That's on you and your FI.

Third, if the shawl is needed for the ceremony it's not a gift.

It sounds like your FI needs to have a come to Jesus talk with his mother about her behaviour. Skipping the reception when you're MOG is terribly rude.

hyechica81 · April 2014

its rude but when you are older women whose 77 years old and set in your ways there is nothing you can do to stop her and tell her she has to be there. he understands she wont come to one or both but there is nothing he can do about it you cant force someone if she does not show up its her loss.

i told him that he has to give the gift and not to give money but he says my mom wont take no for a answer and she would feel insulted if she didn't give them money.

the issue i see with that is two of my cousins are in the wp they are brother and sister. I am getting the girls a nice bracelet and the guys get 100. sibling tells sister that was nice of robs mom to give me 100 sister goes what i only got a bracelet? i feel so uncomfortable with it. i am going to talk to him again and tell him you should take only 150 of it and get them all engraved beer glasses instead

MobKaz · April 2014

hyechica81 said:

its rude but when you are older women whose 77 years old and set in your ways there is nothing you can do to stop her and tell her she has to be there. he understands she wont come to one or both but there is nothing he can do about it you cant force someone if she does not show up its her loss.

i told him that he has to give the gift and not to give money but he says my mom wont take no for a answer and she would feel insulted if she didn't give them money.

the issue i see with that is two of my cousins are in the wp they are brother and sister. I am getting the girls a nice bracelet and the guys get 100. sibling tells sister that was nice of robs mom to give me 100 sister goes what i only got a bracelet? i feel so uncomfortable with it. i am going to talk to him again and tell him you should take only 150 of it and get them all engraved beer glasses instead

He needs to cut the apron strings from his mother. It is easy to stop her. He doesn't seem to want to stop her. Are you gong to be OK with her intrusions once you are married? He shouldn't take ANY of the money. It is HIS responsibility to pay for wedding party gifts, not his mommy's.

hyechica81 · April 2014

he told her he was going to pay for the gifts and she said no i want to pay for them and i am not going to let this go when she says something she means it and will not let go of it,

MobKaz · April 2014

hyechica81 said:

he told her he was going to pay for the gifts and she said no i want to pay for them and i am not going to let this go when she says something she means it and will not let go of it,

The only way she can do that is to literally bring the cash to them the day of the wedding. FI needs to forewarn his GM that they are to politely decline her attempts to gift them. Unless she literally shoves it in their face, she will have to keep her gifts.

Your FI needs to get firm with his mother and let her know how interfering and inappropriate she is. Do you want this type of meddling, interfering, and dominance the rest of your life?

HisGirlFriday13 · April 2014

hyechica81 said:
he told her he was going to pay for the gifts and she said no i want to pay for them and i am not going to let this go when she says something she means it and will not let go of it,

She will if he lays down the law and says, 'Mom, if you do this you damage our relationship forever.'

Actions have consequences. He should tell her what the consequences of that action will be.

Your FI doesn't sound ready to get married, frankly, if he's not willing to grow a spine and tell his mama to butt out.

RebeccaB88 · April 2014

HisGirlFriday13 said:
Your FI doesn't sound ready to get married, frankly, if he's not willing to grow a spine and tell his mama to butt out.

This is true. Neither does someone who not only refuses to use proper capitalization, punctuation, and grammar in their written conversation, but also does not have the good manners to respond to, or even acknowledge, repeated requests to do so, so that other people can understand them and respond appropriately.

HisGirlFriday13 · April 2014

RebeccaB88 said:

HisGirlFriday13 said:
Your FI doesn't sound ready to get married, frankly, if he's not willing to grow a spine and tell his mama to butt out.

This is true. Neither does someone who not only refuses to use proper capitalization, punctuation, and grammar in their written conversation, but also does not have the good manners to respond to, or even acknowledge, repeated requests to do so, so that other people can understand them and respond appropriately.

That, too.

MobKaz · April 2014

HisGirlFriday13 said:

HisGirlFriday13 said:
Your FI doesn't sound ready to get married, frankly, if he's not willing to grow a spine and tell his mama to butt out.
This is true. Neither does someone who not only refuses to use proper capitalization, punctuation, and grammar in their written conversation, but also does not have the good manners to respond to, or even acknowledge, repeated requests to do so, so that other people can understand them and respond appropriately.
That, too.

I, too have suggested more than once that it is difficult to understand her comments and responses. But, bless her heart, a "new member" admonished me for suggesting that and suggested that perhaps I simply lack the critical thinking skills necessary to decode her responses.

hyechica81 · April 2014

I am sorry for not capitalizing and using correct grammar I often type so fast that I forget to check my work before I hit send.

as far as him having a backbone he has one. Just over the summer his mom said I don't want you to get married ever I never wanted that for you, he told her wait back off I love her and I want to marry her so if you cant respect my decision then this conversation is over. so then she went into a tirade about how hes no good and this and that calling him names, so he said you know what I am done talking with you and listening to your crap when you are ready to act like an adult then we can have a proper conversation.

I think he was more taken aback about the money issue and is clueless on what is supposed to happen. he worked till late last night so we did not get a chance to discuss this money situation.

RebeccaB88 · April 2014

I am sorry for not capitalizing and using correct grammar I often type so fast that I forget to check my work before I hit send.

I type very fast (I do it all day at work) and I think most of us here do as well. I don't usually need to 'go back and check' because I pay attention to what I'm doing as I do it. It's entirely possible to pay attention to how you're saying something at the same time as what you're saying. The rest of us can do that.

Case in point: you apologized for not making an effort to change, then continued to do it the exact same way you've always done it in the rest of your post. Don't apologize for something you have no intention of changing. That's just blowing smoke up our asses. Either make a real effort, or own the fact that you don't give a shit about how you come across to people and stop apologizing for it.

ETA: Paragraphs are hard.

zitiqueen · April 2014

hyechica81 said:

I am sorry for not capitalizing and using correct grammar I often type so fast that I forget to check my work before I hit send.

as far as him having a backbone he has one. Just over the summer his mom said I don't want you to get married ever I never wanted that for you, he told her wait back off I love her and I want to marry her so if you cant respect my decision then this conversation is over. so then she went into a tirade about how hes no good and this and that calling him names, so he said you know what I am done talking with you and listening to your crap when you are ready to act like an adult then we can have a proper conversation.

I think he was more taken aback about the money issue and is clueless on what is supposed to happen. he worked till late last night so we did not get a chance to discuss this money situation.

It doesn't sound like she decided to act like an adult but it sure does sound like he's run back to her and allowed her to treat him like crap again. That's the opposite of having a backbone.

I hope you're ready for a lifetime of this because that's what you're willingly agreeing to when you say "I do."

RebeccaB88 · April 2014

It doesn't sound like she decided to act like an adult but it sure does sound like he's run back to her and allowed her to treat him like crap again. That's the opposite of having a backbone.

I hope you're ready for a lifetime of this because that's what you're willingly agreeing to when you say "I do."

Yep, so he talked back to her ONCE, she gave him the ass kicking of a lifetime, so he went right back to the way he's always done it, so she won't do that to him again. Yep, that's a backbone all right. Mommy scolded him, so his solution to that is to let her do whatever she damn well pleases in order to keep the peace. This will do nothing but get worse, and eventually, YOU will be a target as well, and you can be damn sure your FI will do absolutely nothing to defend or protect you from this. He will tell you to sit there and take it because that's 'just how she is'. Since that's apparently true and he doesn't care that it is, you should probably get out while you still can. You DO marry the family.

Apparently, your lack of language and grammatical skills are the least of your problems.

HisGirlFriday13 · April 2014

What I really want to know is, does OP actually think/talk the way she types, all jumbled up and rushed and chaotic? I think (and speak and type) in complete sentences -- sentences that have capitalisation and punctuation and coherency.

hyechica81 · April 2014

i have a learning disability and i am not very open about it i have struggled for years with it. i have dyslexia, and dysgraphia. dysgraphia is writing disabilty one of the things of diysgraphia is that i have trouble typing thoughts and i sound jumbled at times. i try my best when i am online in forums that I try to sound as clear as possible.

RebeccaB88 · April 2014

I'm sorry, hye. But, had you not ignored the question in the beginning, we might not have to have gotten this far. I understand that you might not want to talk about it, and that you don't want us judging you based on it. But I can tell you made an effort in your last post, and I could definitely understand you better. You can do it, I have faith in you. Just slow down a little, think about what you're saying, check yourself, and use spellcheck. My BIL has dyslexia and, while it does take him longer to type thoughts out, the extra effort makes a huge difference. We do want you to stick around and we do want to help you, and if you help us understand you better, we'll both win out.

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