NWR: How do you define 'immediate family'?

HisGirlFriday13 · April 2014

Read this on 'Dear Abby' today. How do you define 'immediate family'? I can see both sides -- the MIL wanting to tell her sister and the DIL wanting only close family to know.

Also....email? The son couldn't pick up the phone and call his mother??

Thoughts?

DEAR ABBY: My son "John" and daughter-in-law "Bree" recently announced their second pregnancy via email, and asked that we keep the news in the immediate family for now.

I was so happy and excited that I notified my sister. She is my best friend and lives in another state. As it turns out, my sister shared the news with her daughter, who is good friends with Bree. My niece then texted congratulations to her.

At the end of the day, I received a nasty, dramatic phone call from Bree. She was furious that I had revealed her secret. My heart sank. It wasn't my intention to hurt her in any way. I apologized profusely, but now I'm afraid that this may have solidified the wedge between us because our relationship was never very close to begin with.

I realize I was wrong and apologized. What more can I do to make this the joyful occasion it should be? -- NOW WHAT? IN NORTH CAROLINA

DEAR NOW WHAT?: Now you pay the penalty for leaking the news, and gracefully accept that you will be relegated to the second tier when it comes to announcements from your son and daughter-in-law. Perhaps you can eventually get back in their good graces by respecting their wishes in the future.

lc07 · April 2014

I think it's a grey are a because:

-I define MY immediate family as my husband, my sister and brother in law, my brother, and my parents. Extended family are my aunts and uncles, cousins and grandparents.

However, the Mom's sister is the MOM's immediate family. But not the daughter's.

I think this goes to show that perhaps we need to be very specific about who, by name, is allowed to know the news.

Jells2dot0 · April 2014

I agree with @lc07. This will vary by family and circumstances.

My immediate family, for the purpose of sharing certain news, would be my DH, my mom, my brother, and my brother's wife. I have step kids, who would be immediate family for other circumstances, but I do not tell them certain things because I don't want DH's ex to find out. I am also not very close to my dad and his new family, so he would not be on the list. In fact, when I got married, my dad was the LAST family member to find out.

phira · April 2014

Immediate family = parents, siblings and children. So in the Dear Abby letter, the son and daughter-in-law only wanted their parents and siblings (and their other child) to know. Aunt (mother's sister) is not immediate family.

smalfrie19 · April 2014

I consider my immediate family my grandparents, parents, aunts and uncles and their kids and my siblings.

lc07 · April 2014

smalfrie19 said:

I consider my immediate family my grandparents, parents, aunts and uncles and their kids and my siblings.

Out of curiosity, who would you consider your extended family, then?

singinchick13 · April 2014

The couple's immediate family would be their parents, siblings and children. Aunts, uncles, cousins grandparents/grandchildren, unless they live in the same house, not immediate family. I would have been livid if I were the DIL in this case. Pregnancies are not something to just talk about willy-niilly, especially in the early stages. I know many people who have suffered miscarriages, and it would be awful to have spread this news and then find out the worst has happened. That is why it is at the couple's discretion to share this information, not the MIL's.

HobokensFury · April 2014

smalfrie19 said:

I consider my immediate family my grandparents, parents, aunts and uncles and their kids and my siblings.

This is pretty much how our family dynamics work as well. Our extended family is 2nd cousins and great aunts and uncles.

KeptInStitches · April 2014

Immediate family = parents, grandparents, siblings, any kids I might have.

HisGirlFriday13 · April 2014

I can see both sides, and I agree with PPs who said the MIL's sister isn't immediate family.

But am I the only one who finds it weird they emailed MIL to tell her about the pregnancy but then called to yell at her?

mysticl · April 2014

I was taught that your immediate family is your spouse, your parents, your siblings, your offspring. Grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, nieces, nephews, in-laws are all extended family. So in the Dear Abby letter the woman had no business telling her sister since the sister is not her son's immediate family.

As for the e-mail, some people just don't use the phone anymore.

Sugargirl1019 · April 2014

lc07 said:
I think it's a grey are a because:

-I define MY immediate family as my husband, my sister and brother in law, my brother, and my parents. Extended family are my aunts and uncles, cousins and grandparents.

However, the Mom's sister is the MOM's immediate family. But not the daughter's.

I think this goes to show that perhaps we need to be very specific about who, by name, is allowed to know the news.

Agreed!

FiancB · April 2014

I consider immediate family to be the people that typically live under the same roof at some point, so basically parents and siblings (divorce would kind of mess this up but anyway, general rule). Maybe grandparents if they're close and involved.

So the mom's sister was the mom's immediate family but not the daughter's. So she messed up.

KPBM89 · April 2014

For me, I consider everyone in my family to be "immediate" because I only have mom, dad, brother, mommom, two aunts, one uncle, and one cousin in my entire family. It makes sense that it would only be your FI/H/W, parents, siblings, and children though.

If they didn't want her sharing the news, and they told immediate family anyway, why not just say don't talk about it to anyone yet or tell them who knows so they know who it's okay to talk with?

My brother and his wife didn't want to tell everyone they were expecting until she was about 4 months. When he called me to tell me (they were at like 8 weeks at the time), he said "Don't post anything on social media or anything yet because we've only told x,y, and z." Simple enough.

jdluvr06 · April 2014

I consider immediate family to be my parents, grandparents, siblings, aunts, uncles, and cousins. ETA: I have a hard time considering great aunts and uncles, second cousins, ect extended family because in my head I think of extended family as people you only see every couple of years and I see everyone from my great grandmother down six or seven times a year at least, often times more, and I speak to them on a regular basis.

pinkshorts27 · April 2014

I would not want my aunts/uncles, cousins, grandparents, etc. to know right away. My immediate family is my parents, my brother and my FI and that is it. Anything I tell my immediate family I also tell my MOH/BFF and so I guess I would include her. It will expand in December to include my FI's dad and brother, and that is it.

doeydo · April 2014

She shouldn't have said anything to anyone as it is not her news to spread, especially since they said not to tell anyone except for 'immediate family' (which to me means parents, siblings, & children) which I presume they are already letting know via e-mail or something like the MIL was. MIL's sister is her immediate family, but not immediate family of the expecting couple.

RWS2011 · April 2014

Here is another vote for immediate family being parents, siblings, and children. However, if I was truly concerned about news spreading farther than I wanted it to, I would simply tell the person: I am sharing this news with those who I would like to know, and would appreciate your discretion in not sharing it. There is no ambiguity there. It sounds like this family has a complicated past, as the angry phone call seems a bit extreme.

monkeysip · April 2014

Yup, to me, immediate family is siblings, parents, spouse, children.

MIL was in the wrong. BUT I don't see a point in yelling at her about this. Being irritated yes, I understand. I didn't want extended family to know about my pregnancy either. But I wouldn't have yelled at MIL for it.

afox007 · April 2014

I'm another weird one who has weird lines drawn around immediate family. For me I would consider mine FI, his son, my mom, stepdad, my siblings from them, one of my grandmas and one uncle (both from my mom).

My extended family is bio dad, stepmom, my siblings from them, all other aunts, uncles, grandparents and cousins. Oh and FMIL.

chibiyui · April 2014

"Three can keep a secret if two are dead" That old phrase was the first to pop into my head reading the letter.

It sounds like, for better or worse, the MIL is not the closest with her son or DIL, and telling her sister (who told her daughter) solidified that. Or DIL could be a huge, crazy lady. We have no way of knowing for sure.

I define immediate family as children, siblings, parents, I'd probably include grandparents. If I were pregnant, I would want it quiet as well until after the first trimester.

artbyallie · April 2014

I agree with @Schatzi13.

My family is quite close among the first tier or two of 'extended' family. We get together often (like once a week or more) with my parents, their parents and siblings and first cousins and the offspring of those relatives. H's family, in contrast, rarely gets together with more than his remaining set of grandparents and aunt and uncle. Like once or twice a year will other members of the clan be together. However, his mom cannot keep secrets well and is a large part of the reason I plan to keep any pregnancies from all family until the end of first tri and we will not be telling anyone the sex until birth. Hell, we might not even find out ourselves.

I feel like the letter-writer's H should have known his mom would tell people. We certainly know my H's would, just as I know my mom would only tell her mom and sister if I gave explicit permission, and even if she did, it would go no further.

bethsmiles · April 2014

Schatzi13 said:

doeydo said:

She shouldn't have said anything to anyone as it is not her news to spread, especially since they said not to tell anyone except for 'immediate family' (which to me means parents, siblings, & children) which I presume they are already letting know via e-mail or something like the MIL was. MIL's sister is her immediate family, but not immediate family of the expecting couple.

The bolded.

The issue isn't "immediate family" (or just a misreading of that term). Big news, e.g, a pregnancy, belongs to the person/people with the news, e.g., the person/people having the baby. Until it's released to the public by the news-havers, those in the know should not be spreading it to anyone at all.

I agree 100%. A friend of mine and his wife told his mother they are pregnant and she told everyone. She sent out e-mails, made phone calls, pretty much did everything but announce it on facebook. She even called and told his dad who she's been divorced from for 20 years. I felt so bad for them because they didn't get to tell anyone their happy news themselves.

As for defining immediate family - I think of it as my brother and my parents. So siblings and parents - everyone else is extended family.

Simply Fated · April 2014

I also agree that the issue isn't about immediate family, but about how the MIL shouldn't have told anyone. It wasn't her news to spread.

She says in the letter that her sister is her best friend yada yada. At no point does MIL mention that her sister is HER immediate or that aunts are included as immediate family, just that she was so excited she had to tell best friend/sister.

FWIW, I agree with pps that immediate family includes children, siblings, parents and spouses.

smalfrie19 · April 2014

lc07 said:

smalfrie19 said:

I consider my immediate family my grandparents, parents, aunts and uncles and their kids and my siblings.

Out of curiosity, who would you consider your extended family, then?

My great aunts and uncles and their kids and my great grandparents and their siblings.

casey8784 · April 2014

When I was growing up I considered "immediate family" to include my parents, grandparents, and both sets of aunt+uncle and their kids. On my father's side of the family we are very close with 2nd and even many 3rd cousins and their respective families, great-aunts, great-uncles, the whole shebang.

FI considers his "immediate family" to be his parents, siblings, and siblings' families. Doesn't even include his grandparents.

We had a bit of a doozy when figuring out who to invite of the "immediate family" for the rehearsal dinner...

KytchynWitche · April 2014

I consider my immediate family to be my mom, my sister, my brother, and FI. I consider my FILs extended family of mine, even though they're immediate family to FI. Same goes for sister's FI. I also don't count aunts/uncles, cousins, or grandparents.

lovesclimbing · April 2014

For me, immediate family is parents, siblings, uncles and aunts, grandparents and first cousins. Extended family is everything else.

I also have a TON of second and third cousins who I am close with, so my definition of immediate vs. extended is a bit different because I am close with a lot of my relatives.

beharrington · April 2014

I consider immediate family to be spouses, parents, siblings, children, grandparents, aunts/uncles, first cousins. In my early thirties, I only have my parents, brother/SIL, 2 aunts, 1 uncle, and 3 first cousins left. It made sense to have that definition since my family was so small. DH however would have 100 people in our city fall under that definition so I can see how others wouldn't use the same one (I know he doesn't).

Correct me if I'm wrong - when companies give you paid bereavement leave, they define immediate family as parents, siblings, spouse, children. I had to use vacation for my grandmother's funeral. I don't know if that's an individual company thing or typical.

NWR: How do you define 'immediate family'?

Re: NWR: How do you define 'immediate family'?

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