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Again with the people who invite guests to ceremony, but not reception...

aleighc3aleighc3 member
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in Wedding Etiquette Forum
Now, I know many people do destination weddings, but please, if you are having a wedding at home and want an intimate ceremony, don't invite guests to the reception that are not invited to the ceremony! It's really rude and I don't understand why it is acceptable to not invite everyone to the ceremony but invite them to the reception, but if someone invites guests to their shower who are not invited to the wedding/reception is rude. Seriously, what is the difference? One is a before "party" and the other, the "after party". If I got an invite to go to a reception and not the ceremony, I most likely would not go because the message I get from that is, "I'm not important enough to actually see you get wed, but come party and possibly bring a gift". To me, it seems just as gift grabby to invite someone to the reception and not the ceremony as it does to invite someone to your shower but not your wedding....not cool.
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Re: Again with the people who invite guests to ceremony, but not reception...

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    a13049a13049 member
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    We have had friends and family who were invited to the ceremony for our destination wedding ask about an at home reception because they want to be apart of the celebrations but can't make it to the ceremony for various reasons. We considered having an at home reception for this reason, but decided against it. Not for ettiquette reason but because to is, it defeated the point of having a destination wedding in the first place. I think if we did choose to have an at home reception, though, it wouldn't be considered rude because all of our guests we invited to the ceremony
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    aleighc3aleighc3 member
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    @ AddieCake- I started another thread on it because I keep seeing it, and obviously I am not the only one to agree. Would this not count as etiquette?

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    AddieCakeAddieCake member
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    I didn't say it didn't count as etiquette. I just don't understand the point of starting more than one thread a week to express your feelings on it.
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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    syoun1njsyoun1nj member
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    We've already been over this. 

    It's okay to only invite people to the reception when the ceremony is VERY VERY private (immediate family only). Which is what the person in your original thread was doing and you were all butthurt about. IT IS FINE. 

    If you have a courthouse ceremony, lie to your guests, and have a PPD later it isn't fine. But that's not what she was doing. There are nuances you are missing. Stop.
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    lyndausvilyndausvi mod
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    It's not against etiquette to invite people to a reception and not the ceremony.  As long has it's truly private ceremony.  I don't know anything about your social group, but I can tell you in mine the couple will spend WAY more on hosting you then they every get back in gifts.   So I don't buy the whole gift grabby argument.

    That said,  I don't completely "get" AHR.   I've been to 2 weddings where we were not invited to the ceremony.  Both OOT for us, both we attended.  The fact the reception was on the same day as the ceremony meant the bridal couple still had the "glow" of getting married a few hours ago.  I just can't see how that is recreated days, weeks or even months later.   Too me it's just a party.  I like parties.  As long as it was local I would still attend.  But I doubt I would have the same excitement as one where the couple got married the same day.


    BTW - the weddings where we were only invited to the reception didn't have showers. 






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
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    a13049a13049 member
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    lyndausvi said:

    It's not against etiquette to invite people to a reception and not the ceremony.  As long has it's truly private ceremony.  I don't know anything about your social group, but I can tell you in mine the couple will spend WAY more on hosting you then they every get back in gifts.   So I don't buy the whole gift grabby argument.


    That said,  I don't completely "get" AHR.   I've been to 2 weddings where we were not invited to the ceremony.  Both OOT for us, both we attended.  The fact the reception was on the same day as the ceremony meant the bridal couple still had the "glow" of getting married a few hours ago.  I just can't see how that is recreated days, weeks or even months later.   Too me it's just a party.  I like parties.  As long as it was local I would still attend.  But I doubt I would have the same excitement as one where the couple got married the same day.


    BTW - the weddings where we were only invited to the reception didn't have showers. 
    I totally agree with your last paragraph, well all of the rest too. an AHR just wouldn't be the same for us, a week/month later.

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    aleighc3aleighc3 member
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    I'm sorry, but if you wanted something very very private, then keep it to the people you invite to the ceremony. I can make as many posts as I want on something that I see (and I'm not the only one) as rude. All I am saying is,  as a "guest" to someone's wedding, I don't want to be considered as not as imortant to be there as someone else. If it is truly private, keep it that way.
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    aleighc3aleighc3 member
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    lyndausvi said:
    There are some religions that do not allow non-members attend a ceremony.  Mormons  are an example.   So lets say the groom's family is not mormon.  His family would not be allowed to attend the ceremony.  By your logic they should not bother inviting the groom's family to the reception either.   

    People like me understand that there are some situation why not everyone can be invited to the ceremony, but are fine with celebrating with them later that day.

    It's okay if you might feel slighted, but fact is it's not against etiquette. 
    No there are some situations and I agree with that. What i'm talking about is the people who only want witnesses at their ceremony then inviting everyone and their cousins to the ceremony. Yes, there are a few select religions that don't allow everyone there, but that is not the case with everyone...
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    CrazyCatLady3CrazyCatLady3 member
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    edited April 2014
    aleighc3 said:
    lyndausvi said:
    There are some religions that do not allow non-members attend a ceremony.  Mormons  are an example.   So lets say the groom's family is not mormon.  His family would not be allowed to attend the ceremony.  By your logic they should not bother inviting the groom's family to the reception either.   

    People like me understand that there are some situation why not everyone can be invited to the ceremony, but are fine with celebrating with them later that day.

    It's okay if you might feel slighted, but fact is it's not against etiquette. 
    No there are some situations and I agree with that. What i'm talking about is the people who only want witnesses at their ceremony then inviting everyone and their cousins to the ceremony. Yes, there are a few select religions that don't allow everyone there, but that is not the case with everyone...
    Some people are deeply private about their romantic lives and want to have their vows witnessed by only immediate family.  But that doesn't mean they don't want to socialize/celebrate their commitment with others.  It's not about you, you shouldn't take it as a personal insult to you.

    Did Jashley come back with a new username maybe?
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    Simply FatedSimply Fated member
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    syoun1nj said:
    We've already been over this. 

    It's okay to only invite people to the reception when the ceremony is VERY VERY private (immediate family only). Which is what the person in your original thread was doing and you were all butthurt about. IT IS FINE. 

    If you have a courthouse ceremony, lie to your guests, and have a PPD later it isn't fine. But that's not what she was doing. There are nuances you are missing. Stop.
    Why is it okay? Why is it fine?
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    AddieCakeAddieCake member
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    Yes, you can start as many threads as you like. I just don't understand why you would do that as opposed to simply continuing to respond and contribute in the one you already started.
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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    mbross3mbross3 member
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    Generally this comes off as rude to me too. I think the way to make this truly polite, is to have a private ceremony and reception if that's what the couple wants and then have a "party" as PP have said, at a later date and invite people they want to celebrate (and obviously not have wedding activities). I think it's really hard to pull of a small, intimate ceremony and large reception without being rude. I've been invited to two of these and ended up declining both because "small and intimate" was over 30 people in both cases. If a couple wants to do that, fine, I'm perfectly ok with just RSVPing "no" and moving on, but they should be aware most people will find that rude/hurtful. 
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    photokittyphotokitty mod
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    I think it sucks to be invited to the reception, but not to the ceremony if the couple opts for a private ceremony. I want to see the ceremony and am super sad I missed it. I hate when people do this, BUT...

    That said it is not rude or against etiquette. What I fear threads like this will do is result in brides saying "screw it, I'll just have a PPD bc a private ceremony is rude" - when it's not.
    :kiss: ~xoxo~ :kiss:

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    ktjanesmomktjanesmom member
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    My nephew did this and I was not at all bothered by it.  They had their ceremony at a very small location, a presidential museum of some sort  and only immediate family and grand parents were invited.  They had a properly hosted reception and I had a great time. 
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    princessleia22princessleia22 member
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    I'm doing DW and we seriously debated having AHR, both in my home state & where we currently live.  It wasn't about not inviting people to the wedding/reception.  We invited about 80 people, but are expecting only about 25 to attend wedding.  NONE of my extended family is able to travel to my wedding.  So, we were thinking about doing an AHR to allow these people chance to meet my FI (some haven't even met him yet) and celebrate with us.  Nothing fancy, probably just a backyard BBQ at my parents house.  We weren't planning anything wedding related, besides maybe showing off photos from our wedding/honeymoon.  In the end, we decided it would just be too hectic to plan another trip shortly after wedding and have to throw another party. My family can meet FI at next family get together.

    image 

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    InkdancerInkdancer member
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    nicoann said:
    I'm doing DW and we seriously debated having AHR, both in my home state & where we currently live.  It wasn't about not inviting people to the wedding/reception.  We invited about 80 people, but are expecting only about 25 to attend wedding.  NONE of my extended family is able to travel to my wedding.  So, we were thinking about doing an AHR to allow these people chance to meet my FI (some haven't even met him yet) and celebrate with us.  Nothing fancy, probably just a backyard BBQ at my parents house.  We weren't planning anything wedding related, besides maybe showing off photos from our wedding/honeymoon.  In the end, we decided it would just be too hectic to plan another trip shortly after wedding and have to throw another party. My family can meet FI at next family get together.
    If it's important to you to celebrate with these people, why have a destination wedding?

    (I'm not being sarcastic. I would really like to understand the decision.)
    Daisypath Anniversary tickers
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    Simply FatedSimply Fated member
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    lyndausvi said:


    Simply Fated said:


    syoun1nj said:

    We've already been over this. 

    It's okay to only invite people to the reception when the ceremony is VERY VERY private (immediate family only). Which is what the person in your original thread was doing and you were all butthurt about. IT IS FINE. 

    If you have a courthouse ceremony, lie to your guests, and have a PPD later it isn't fine. But that's not what she was doing. There are nuances you are missing. Stop.

    Why is it okay? Why is it fine?

    Inviting people to a PARTY is not against etiquette.  It's really that simple. 

      When you are invited to only the reception that is exactly what you are invited to a PARTY.    People get invited to graduation parties all the time but not invited to the actual commencement ceremony.   Some people are invited to Bar/Bat Mitzahs parties but not the actual ceremony.     

    You can still celebrate a life event with people without actually witnessing said life event.  


    So, it IS ok to invite people to the bach or engagement party, but not the wedding?

    And holy crap, I have never heard of inviting people to celebrate a Bar or Bat Mitzvah, but not to the actual ceremony. That shit wouldn't fly in my family, circle, area, region, what ever. Jewish temples don't block guests from attending ceremonies.
    Graduations that only allow graduates a certain number of tickets is NOT the same thing as the graduate choosing to not let anyone attend.

    I do not see a single reason why it's okay, etiqutte-wise, for a bride and groom to invite guests to a party celebrating something you didn't want them to attend.
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    Jen4948Jen4948 member
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    Simply Fated said:
    Simply Fated said:

    syoun1nj said:
    We've already been over this. 

    It's okay to only invite people to the reception when the ceremony is VERY VERY private (immediate family only). Which is what the person in your original thread was doing and you were all butthurt about. IT IS FINE. 

    If you have a courthouse ceremony, lie to your guests, and have a PPD later it isn't fine. But that's not what she was doing. There are nuances you are missing. Stop.
    Why is it okay? Why is it fine?
    Inviting people to a PARTY is not against etiquette.  It's really that simple. 

      When you are invited to only the reception that is exactly what you are invited to a PARTY.    People get invited to graduation parties all the time but not invited to the actual commencement ceremony.   Some people are invited to Bar/Bat Mitzahs parties but not the actual ceremony.     

    You can still celebrate a life event with people without actually witnessing said life event.  
    So, it IS ok to invite people to the bach or engagement party, but not the wedding? And holy crap, I have never heard of inviting people to celebrate a Bar or Bat Mitzvah, but not to the actual ceremony. That shit wouldn't fly in my family, circle, area, region, what ever. Jewish temples don't block guests from attending ceremonies. Graduations that only allow graduates a certain number of tickets is NOT the same thing as the graduate choosing to not let anyone attend. I do not see a single reason why it's okay, etiqutte-wise, for a bride and groom to invite guests to a party celebrating something you didn't want them to attend.
    Exactly.  Jewish synagogues are not like Mormon temples where only members of the religion in good standing are permitted inside-they are inclusive.
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    a13049a13049 member
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    Inkdancer said:
    nicoann said:
    I'm doing DW and we seriously debated having AHR, both in my home state & where we currently live.  It wasn't about not inviting people to the wedding/reception.  We invited about 80 people, but are expecting only about 25 to attend wedding.  NONE of my extended family is able to travel to my wedding.  So, we were thinking about doing an AHR to allow these people chance to meet my FI (some haven't even met him yet) and celebrate with us.  Nothing fancy, probably just a backyard BBQ at my parents house.  We weren't planning anything wedding related, besides maybe showing off photos from our wedding/honeymoon.  In the end, we decided it would just be too hectic to plan another trip shortly after wedding and have to throw another party. My family can meet FI at next family get together.
    If it's important to you to celebrate with these people, why have a destination wedding?

    (I'm not being sarcastic. I would really like to understand the decision.)
    There is a give and take with almost any wedding desicion you make.  When choosing a venue cost and size could affect how many guest you can afford to host.  When you buy a dress, that $1000 could have added another how many family and friends or allowed for more +1s for you truly single friends.  This is the same line of thinking when planing a destination wedding to me.  I am having a destination wedding.  We checked with our VIPs and when all of them said they were ok with it, we decided thats what we are doing.  We have alot of other guests that we would like to go, but understand the they may not be able to make it. That doesn't mean we wouldn't still like to celebrate with them in some way.  Almost everyone who has said no, has asked if we are still ahve an AHR.  AHR aren't misleading, most people enjoy getting together to eat, drink and celebrte with their famliy and friends.   We chose not to have an AHR because it defeated one of our main reasons for having a DW wedding.  We didn't want to plan one, we picked a package, dress and tux and are all done.  You can celebrate with them, and still have a DW if you so choose.  Just make sure you properly host the guests at your party. 
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