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Wedding Etiquette Forum
harper0813
member
WTH, fiance.
I just need to vent about clueless fiances.
As I'm sure has been the case with many fiances, mine is not involved in the wedding planning process due to lack of interest - he just wants to be my husband and go to a big-fun party. His idea of a good time is hiring a wedding planner to do all of it for us so we can just kick back and receive presents. Because of this, he's pretty clueless about what's going on and about wedding etiquette and what is and isn't acceptable. He's a really good guy and means well, though.
He has verbally promised invitations to coworkers he isn't close to, he is planning his own bachelor party (with the help of his best man), he's fighting to have hard liquor available for purchase (our open bar includes beer, wine, champagne, and two classic signature drinks) and just this weekend, we were talking wedding with some married friends of ours who are from the same state as me, and dollar dances came up - and he is now HELL-BENT on having one.
To be somewhat fair, the hard-liquor-for-purchase thing (and cash bars in general) are considered acceptable where I'm from, and on both sides of my extended family, it's considered rude not to offer it. That being said, we have people coming from all over the country who would find it EXTREMELY rude - as do I. Dollar dances are the same way for my family - it's "tradition" and it's totally bizarre not to have one at family weddings. But it's also weird not to have the chicken dance and not to get married in a church, of which we are doing neither. And dollar dance is ABSOLUTELY out of the question. I don't care if my grandpa rolls his eyes or my uncle has pockets full of dollars. We are not asking our guests to open their wallets.
These friends of ours also see it as a "tradition" thing. They didn't have one, but, like me, most weddings we've attended back home have a dollar dance. So we were laughing about it when FI turns to me and says, "We're having one." Completely serious and straight-faced.
He is not corresponding with our band, our planner, or any other vendors for that matter, so he really doesn't get any say in whether it happens or not. And based on how many other things he's forgotten about our wedding plans, I'm banking on him forgetting about this as well. But... c'mon, dude!
This discussion has been closed.
Re: WTH, fiance.
And I'm stressed to the max.
Lol
[QUOTE]I just need to vent about clueless fiances. As I'm sure has been the case with many fiances, mine is not involved in the wedding planning process due to lack of interest - he just wants to be my husband and go to a big-fun party. His idea of a good time is hiring a wedding planner to do all of it for us so we can just kick back and receive presents. Because of this, he's pretty clueless about what's going on and about wedding etiquette and what is and isn't acceptable. He's a really good guy and means well, though. He has verbally promised invitations to coworkers he isn't close to, he is planning his own bachelor party (with the help of his best man), he's fighting to have hard liquor available for purchase (our open bar includes beer, wine, champagne, and two classic signature drinks) and just this weekend, we were talking wedding with some married friends of ours who are from the same state as me, and dollar dances came up - and he is now HELL-BENT on having one. To be somewhat fair, the hard-liquor-for-purchase thing (and cash bars in general) are considered acceptable where I'm from, and on both sides of my extended family, it's considered rude not to offer it. That being said, we have people coming from all over the country who would find it EXTREMELY rude - as do I. Dollar dances are the same way for my family - it's "tradition" and it's totally bizarre not to have one at family weddings. But it's also weird not to have the chicken dance and not to get married in a church, of which we are doing neither. And dollar dance is ABSOLUTELY out of the question. I don't care if my grandpa rolls his eyes or my uncle has pockets full of dollars. We are not asking our guests to open their wallets. These friends of ours also see it as a "tradition" thing. They didn't have one, but, like me, most weddings we've attended back home have a dollar dance. So we were laughing about it when FI turns to me and says, "We're having one." Completely serious and straight-faced. He is not corresponding with our band, our planner, or any other vendors for that matter,<strong> so he really doesn't get any say in whether it happens or not.</strong> And based on how many other things he's forgotten about our wedding plans, I'm banking on him forgetting about this as well. But... c'mon, dude!
Posted by zoberg[/QUOTE]
Well this is quite a schitty attitude to have. I mean, it is his wedding too ya know.
I think you just need to explain to him <em>ho</em>w (and why) these things he is proposing are rude.
For example: FI and I are having a brunch reception. Our food and drink package includes mimosa, bloody mary, martini and sangria. FI's family are huge beer drinkers, so we have agreed all along beer should be offered as well. Someone planted the seed in his head, to save money we should have beer offered on a cash basis. EWWWW. No way, no how! I explained to him <em>why </em>a cash bar is rude, we now have a understanding that if beer is available, it will be hosted by us. Easy peasy.
[QUOTE]With the dollar dance, it's usually the bride who does the dancing, so it's in your court to refuse to dance for money. I'm sorry that you're dealing with this. Hopefully he gets over it fast.
Posted by Simply Fated[/QUOTE]
In my circle, both the groom and the bride dance - the ladies pay to dance with the groom and the men pay to dance with the bride. I've never heard of it being just the bride - it's interesting to see the different variations of different things.
OP, it's his wedding too. Can you give into the chicken dance or something if it's what he wants? Or figure out a way to host hard liquor or something? I think sometimes things like the dollar dance or cash bars need explaining. I never thought that dollar dances were rude until I came here - it's tradition in my family and FI's family (though we're not actually doing one) so it took a little explaining before the lightbulb went off.
[QUOTE]Why are you marrying someone who is so hellbent on being rude to your guests? Honestly, I think saying 'look, we can either pay for hard liquor or not, but I am not comfortable with a cash bar because I believe they are rude and offensive, and I know at least some of our guests will feel the same way" should be enough to get him off of it. If it isn't, you guys have some fundamental value differences because not being willing to drop something that is important to YOU shows that it is incredibly important to HIM. Ask him why it's important enough to HAVE the liquor if it isn't important enough to pay for it.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]
<div>Because he's so normal and good otherwise. He really is. But he's seen people have certain things at weddings, like honeymoon jars and cash bars, and thinks they're acceptable because other people do them. His ideas of what's okay and what's rude at weddings has been skewed and when we speak about it, he assumes that my opinion that cash bars and dollar dances and removing guests who received STDs is my way of ruining his vision of our wedding. He definitely doesn't have a good grasp of wedding etiquette and isn't interested in hearing about it. But I promise you, I am involving him in decision making in whatever departments are interesting to him. Unfortunately, several of those things include soliciting money from our guests.</div>
[QUOTE]Oh I know the feeling here even though my wedding is a ways away and we did that on purpose (putting the down payment on our dream house)... Mine is not helping much either other than saying that he does not want me to stress out even though I am the one doing all the leg work and such and I deligated the job of getting our parents together to have the finance talk so that I could book the venue and he seems to think that it is not a pressing matter when where I live venues get all booked up and you have to book at least a year in advance and etc... Thankfully the catering is going to be taken care of as his parents are chefs and offered to do it as a gift BUT we still need a venue... It is a given that we have contacts in the fields of DJ's and etc but without a venue it is pointless... I am thinking that I may just have to take the reigns here and steer things smoothly towards what needs to be done. The only thing that he has been willing to do is research anything that has to do with electronics and DJing and all that... He wants to get married but it appears that he is not willing to do leg work like I have been doing to get it started
Posted by starchyld77[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Star,</div><div>
</div><div>I get why that's frustrating. Some future husbands just aren't going to be as excited about the details and logistics as the future wives. Keep him aware of what's going on so at least he has the chance to say he doesn't like something, and ask him what he'd like to do or what his opinions are. He might surprise you by being more opinionated than you think. But often times, they're more interested in just the "getting married" part than anything - they'd like to show up and have a good time. If your FI is like mine, he just wants to arrive at a good party without having to worry about it ahead of time. And if you are like me, half of the fun is preparing for the good party AND worrying about it ahead of time!
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Regarding inviting coworkers he’s not close to: I was annoyed that FI wanted to invite people he’s not really close to from work when it is causing us to have too many people on our guest list. In the end, I suggested we split the # of guests we can afford so that we each choose half. I had more than he did so mine got cut and I Think it was fair, I prioritized.
Dollar and chicken dance. Ugh. He thinks they are “fun”. I told him the dollar dance was rude…he disagreed. I showed him a Knot post bashing dollar dances and he gave in but said the compromise was to keep the chicken dance. Ok fine. My back up idea was to leave it off the list for the DJ and if he remembered at the wedding, I was going to have monopoly money available.
Cash bar. Okay I come from an area where it’s generally accepted and expected. I don’t find it offensive, but I understand why it is noted as poor etiquette. While it doesn’t offend my party, we wanted to provide alcohol to our guests. We can afford to do a limited bar and have beer, soft drinks and a signature drink with hard liquor. FI wanted a cash bar to cover the balance in case someone wants hard drinks. I came up with several approaches to discuss it with FI. The first, I said it sets up a confusing and possibly embarrassing scenario for guests. How would they know to pay for some drinks and not others? If they got a beer at no charge, would they expect to pay for a vodka tonic when they went back? He agreed with that logic.
My backup approaches:
1) Configure how much it would cost us to do 100% open bar (approximately). Can we afford the difference? If not, we need to make some value judgments to afford the difference. Where can we take X dollar amount from in our budget? Do we cut out an hors doeurve, change the meal offering, remove the ganache from our cake, leave out some flowers?
2) Do you want to work extra shifts part time to make up the dollar amount?
Neither option would’ve been feasible for us at all, but would’ve caused him to understand my rationale and revert to the original idea. Other thoughts for you in case he still persists, does your reception have a restaurant with a bar in it? For my previous wedding, I provided beer and wine in the reception room. A few people left and got a drink from the bar and came back. I felt like I did my part to provide the alcohol and it was their choice to go out of their way to get something else. Most people wouldn’t think about that but FI might at least see it as option enough to stop.
Lastly, I know someone is probably going to say this is a terrible suggestion, but the fact is that a lot of people have cash bars and if you have no alternative with FI, perhaps this is an option to deal with it: I went to a wedding that had nice sign at the bar that said “Host Bar” and listed their signature drink, beer, wine, soft drinks. It noted cash bar available for other drinks. It at least offers guests an understanding.
You'll never be subject to a cash bar, gap, potluck wedding, or b-list if you marry a Muppet Overlord.
[QUOTE]<strong>Why are you marrying someone who is so hellbent on being rude to your guests? </strong> Honestly, I think saying 'look, we can either pay for hard liquor or not, but I am not comfortable with a cash bar because I believe they are rude and offensive, and I know at least some of our guests will feel the same way" should be enough to get him off of it. If it isn't, you guys have some fundamental value differences because not being willing to drop something that is important to YOU shows that it is incredibly important to HIM. Ask him why it's important enough to HAVE the liquor if it isn't important enough to pay for it.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]
<div>I must admit that the bolded statement is a bit harsh--it's obvious she loves him and a little bit rude of you to question their impending marriage based off of such a little bit of information she has given us. This doesn't involve me, though, so I will stay out of it<span style="font-family:arial, sans-serif;font-size:13px;line-height:16px;color:#000000;" class="Apple-style-span">. I'm not trying to bash you StageManager, just trying to stick up for the OP a little bit</span><span style="font-family:arial, sans-serif;font-size:13px;line-height:16px;color:#000000;" class="Apple-style-span">.</span></div><div>
</div><div>For what it's worth, I don't think the OPs attitude toward her fiance is rude at all (regarding her statement that her fiance doesn't have a say in things, as I think that is a common attitude among the men<span style="font-family:arial, sans-serif;font-size:13px;line-height:16px;color:#000000;" class="Apple-style-span">.) My finace doesn't want to have a say in things, either, unless it's to disagree with the decisions I've already made</span><span style="font-family:arial, sans-serif;font-size:13px;line-height:16px;color:#000000;" class="Apple-style-span">. ;)</span></div><div><span style="font-family:arial, sans-serif;font-size:13px;line-height:16px;color:#000000;" class="Apple-style-span">
</span></div><div><span style="font-family:arial, sans-serif;font-size:13px;line-height:16px;color:#000000;" class="Apple-style-span">My fiance has done similar things in our wedding planning process</span><span style="font-family:arial, sans-serif;font-size:13px;line-height:16px;color:#000000;" class="Apple-style-span">. Men just don't get it very much sometimes, hah! We were talking about his bachelor party and he wanted to invite some guys that weren't invited to the wedding</span><span style="font-family:arial, sans-serif;font-size:13px;line-height:16px;color:#000000;" class="Apple-style-span">. I had to put my foot down on that one, even though I should have no say whatsoever in the bachelor party, but it would just make me feel guilty if they felt that they were good enough to go out and party on their own dime but not make our guest list! Also, when discussing gifts for the bridal party, he said he wanted to get the groomsmen engraved beer mugs</span><span style="font-family:arial, sans-serif;font-size:13px;line-height:16px;color:#000000;" class="Apple-style-span">. That's all fine and dandy, but when I mentioned that maybe he should think of a different gift since only 2/4 of his groomsmen drink (one abstains for personal reasons and the other is a recovering alcoholic) he was like, "No! My groomsmen, my choice! They can put water in it!" so I was like FINNEE lol</span><span style="font-family:arial, sans-serif;font-size:13px;line-height:16px;color:#000000;" class="Apple-style-span">. I teased him after that one and called him groomzilla</span><span style="font-family:arial, sans-serif;font-size:13px;line-height:16px;color:#000000;" class="Apple-style-span">.</span></div><div><span style="font-family:arial, sans-serif;font-size:13px;line-height:16px;color:#000000;" class="Apple-style-span">
</span></div><div><span style="font-family:arial, sans-serif;font-size:13px;line-height:16px;color:#000000;" class="Apple-style-span">I also love my finace dearly, as I'm sure you do OP, but I think we can all agree that many men do not understand proper etiquette</span><span style="font-family:arial, sans-serif;font-size:13px;line-height:16px;color:#000000;" class="Apple-style-span">. I think that if the tables were turned, many men would not even realize certain things were rude or be offended by them, so why not do them for your own wedding, you know?</span><span style="font-family:arial, sans-serif;font-size:13px;line-height:16px;color:#000000;" class="Apple-style-span"> It's good to vent sometimes</span><span style="font-family:arial, sans-serif;font-size:13px;line-height:16px;color:#000000;" class="Apple-style-span">.</span></div>
Men also don't spend time on message boards learning that examples that you've experienced your whole life through weddings you've attended are rude.
LOL re: the beer mugs. Can't he get the 2 that don't drink an engraved glass or coffee mug instead?
You'll never be subject to a cash bar, gap, potluck wedding, or b-list if you marry a Muppet Overlord.
[QUOTE]Thanks Hordol. I agree with that. They are good, we love them, heck, we want to make them fathers....but they can still be so much like .....like men.... and that itself is worth the occassional vent!!! Men also don't spend time on message boards learning that examples that you've experienced your whole life through weddings you've attended are rude. LOL re: the beer mugs. Can't he get the 2 that don't drink an engraved glass or coffee mug instead?
Posted by BritniLeigh[/QUOTE]
<div>Haha, I suggested getting them a different gift and he said, "No! They all have to be the same!" This is how he earned his new groomzilla nickname<span style="font-family:arial, sans-serif;font-size:13px;line-height:16px;color:#000000;" class="Apple-style-span">. ;) I'm not TOO worried about it since his groomsmen have been his best friends for 10-15 years and they are pretty laid back, but I still don't know why he thinks it is a good idea!</span></div>
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: WTH, fiance. : I must admit that the bolded statement is a bit harsh--it's obvious she loves him and a little bit rude of you to question their impending marriage based off of such a little bit of information she has given us. This doesn't involve me, though, so I will stay out of it . I'm not trying to bash you StageManager, just trying to stick up for the OP a little bit . For what it's worth, I don't think the OPs attitude toward her fiance is rude at all (regarding her statement that her fiance doesn't have a say in things, as I think that is a common attitude among the men .) <strong>My finace doesn't want to have a say in things, either, unless it's to disagree with the decisions I've already made . ;)</strong> My fiance has done similar things in our wedding planning process . Men just don't get it very much sometimes, hah! We were talking about his bachelor party and he wanted to invite some guys that weren't invited to the wedding . I had to put my foot down on that one, even though I should have no say whatsoever in the bachelor party, but it would just make me feel guilty if they felt that they were good enough to go out and party on their own dime but not make our guest list! Also, when discussing gifts for the bridal party, he said he wanted to get the groomsmen engraved beer mugs . That's all fine and dandy, but when I mentioned that maybe he should think of a different gift since only 2/4 of his groomsmen drink (one abstains for personal reasons and the other is a recovering alcoholic) he was like, "No! My groomsmen, my choice! They can put water in it!" so I was like FINNEE lol . I teased him after that one and called him groomzilla . <strong>I also love my finace dearly, as I'm sure you do OP, but I think we can all agree that many men do not understand proper etiquette . I think that if the tables were turned, many men would not even realize certain things were rude or be offended by them, so why not do them for your own wedding, you know? It's good to vent sometimes.</strong>
Posted by hordol[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Thank you for making such an awesome effort to understand what I'm saying. You summed it up perfectly - better than I did. Amen amen amen. FI doesn't want to plan anything, but some of the things he does want a say in would not reflect well on us at all, and I'm trying to save us embarrassment, especially now that we're inviting senior management of his company...
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