No kids family drama - Help!

veronicabarkman · April 2014

So we are getting married the end of the month. We are have been engaged for some time, but started planning in early Oct 2013. Our vision was for an intimate classy wedding with just our siblings, their spouses, parents & grandparents. I'm not a fan of grand affairs & i'm not one to be enjoy being the center of attention. At one point we considered a simple elopement, but our parents showed some ill feelings. We understood & continued with our idea of a small wedding as mentioned above. We have close relationships wih our families. About a week after we picked a date, we let everyone know it would be an adult only evening. That is when world war III started with my side. I was yelled at & guilted into feeling we are horrible people but not having our neices/nephews included. Keep in mind they are all under 8, most under 5. It wasn't that we don't adore our neices/nephews, but we wanted an evening to be about us. Not our siblings chasing & repremanding their children. & not about our parents focusing on their grandchildren. Per their request, we picked a venue that was all in one - ceremony, reception & hotel. That way, their children would be on location & if at any point they needed to check on them, it was an easy option. it wasn't our first choice, but if it made things easier, fine. Child care was set up by a capable extended family member. As me & my future husband are trying to enjoy this process, it was constantly minimalized because it was small event and we were beat on for it not being a "real family" event. We are holding strong to our visions for the day. One sibling has decided not to attend & i'm now being told if that sibling doesnt attend, its possible my mom will not either. I know I have to respect my siblings decision not to attend like she must respect our decision for it to be an adults only event. Seriously tho? You can't leave your children for a few hours at a clip, not more than 6 hours total to attend your sister's wedding? We feel we ask very little of people & all we asked for was for people to show up for us, for 1 evening. I'm at the point where mentally & emotionally, i can't continue these conversations. I've let them know that i will not have any more negative conversations before our wedding. They have ruined it to this point & i'd rather try to enjoy the final few weeks. <?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />

I'm just looking for a little help on what to do if someone shows up with their children that evening & what to do if a family vs family agruement starts. My future inlaws all stand by my fiancee & me. They have actually become quite protective of me as well. We will not be changing our decision on having children, so please don’t suggest that.

HisGirlFriday13 · April 2014

veronicabarkman said:

So we are getting married the end of the month. We are have been engaged for some time, but started planning in early Oct 2013. Our vision was for an intimate classy wedding with just our siblings, their spouses, parents & grandparents. I'm not a fan of grand affairs & i'm not one to be enjoy being the center of attention. At one point we considered a simple elopement, but our parents showed some ill feelings. We understood & continued with our idea of a small wedding as mentioned above. We have close relationships wih our families. About a week after we picked a date, we let everyone know it would be an adult only evening. That is when world war III started with my side. I was yelled at & guilted into feeling we are horrible people but not having our neices/nephews included. Keep in mind they are all under 8, most under 5. It wasn't that we don't adore our neices/nephews, but we wanted an evening to be about us. Not our siblings chasing & repremanding their children. & not about our parents focusing on their grandchildren. Per their request, we picked a venue that was all in one - ceremony, reception & hotel. That way, their children would be on location & if at any point they needed to check on them, it was an easy option. it wasn't our first choice, but if it made things easier, fine. Child care was set up by a capable extended family member. As me & my future husband are trying to enjoy this process, it was constantly minimalized because it was small event and we were beat on for it not being a "real family" event. We are holding strong to our visions for the day. One sibling has decided not to attend & i'm now being told if that sibling doesnt attend, its possible my mom will not either. I know I have to respect my siblings decision not to attend like she must respect our decision for it to be an adults only event. Seriously tho? You can't leave your children for a few hours at a clip, not more than 6 hours total to attend your sister's wedding? We feel we ask very little of people & all we asked for was for people to show up for us, for 1 evening. I'm at the point where mentally & emotionally, i can't continue these conversations. I've let them know that i will not have any more negative conversations before our wedding. They have ruined it to this point & i'd rather try to enjoy the final few weeks.

I'm just looking for a little help on what to do if someone shows up with their children that evening & what to do if a family vs family agruement starts. My future inlaws all stand by my fiancee & me. They have actually become quite protective of me as well. We will not be changing our decision on having children, so please don’t suggest that.

You are within your rights not to have children at your wedding. Your siblings are within their rights not to attend. No one is necessarily wrong here.

If your siblings feel they can't leave their children for one night, even with on-site child care, then that's their business. I don't understand why that means your mother might not come, but that's neither here nor there.

What you need to start doing now is saying, 'Well, we're sorry you feel that way. We'll miss you if you don't come. Have you tried the bean dip?'

Call their bluffs. If they see they can't guilt you into doing what they want, they'll either change their minds and attend anyway or they won't attend at all -- and either way, your wedding will be child-free.

larrygaga · April 2014

Tell them if they want to act like a child, then they can't come either because your wedding is child-free.

Perhaps hire a wedding day coordinator to take care of the drama for you.

Grabows14 · April 2014

Stick with your vision. Keep your head up, and don't let your siblings push you around. It's one day where you two are planning and executing the event; not the end of the world.