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We're happy, but...

Disclaimer: this is a long post!!

Our wedding is three weeks from Saturday and FI and I could not be happier about becoming husband and wife. We have been so enthusiastically planning this wedding and throwing ourselves into this entire process....like, we've actually enjoyed hashing out all the little details. Until recently, that is.

The back story is that my FI lost his parents about three years ago. They passed away just four months apart. His father was diagnosed with cancer and died 6 months later. His mother, who had been in poor health but by no means was critical, passed away in her sleep. My FI, who had moved home when his father was sick, was the one who found her. His sister is his only surviving relative and she literally cleaned out the house after the parents passed away. She boxed up anything she thought might have been of value and shipped them to her house on the other side of the country.  She has had limited contact with FI since then (her choice) and she and her husband declined their invitation to our wedding.

So now, FI will not have a single family member at our wedding. He's known this for a while but as the wedding day gets closer and closer, he's getting sadder and sadder. On the outside he's a happy, outgoing guy but he broke down the other night and told me how hard this wedding process has become. I have a large, very loving family and while he appreciates that, right now it makes him miss his family even more.

I know our wedding day will be full of happiness but it breaks my heart knowing how painful some of these days have been for him. I'm not sure what additional support I can offer him beyond just being there and listening when he needs me to. Has anyone else dealt with grief leading up to the wedding? 

Re: We're happy, but...

  • I think the only thing you can do is continue to support and love him. Tell him how you two are going to be your own family now. Although it sucks what happened before, there isn't anything you can do to change it. When it comes to your wedding day, I am willing to bet your FI will be so happy. 
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  • I also believe in "chosen family," or friends. But yeah, that sucks and I'm sorry. 
  • I'm in the same kind of position, FI has a huge family some of which are all over the country and we are getting rsvp's from them saying yes to the wedding, meanwhile I will probably have one table of family that will consist of my parents & brother and sister.  It can be hard and sad at times.  I also try to think how lucky I am that FI's family is so wonderful to me and they are now my family too. 

    I also think about what others before me said, my chosen family those who have been there for me and will be there to celebrate our day.

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  • phiraphira member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary 5 Answers
    edited April 2014
    I'm so sorry to hear this. It's hard enough when you've lost people you care about (either because they've passed away, or lost touch by choice). It's even harder when you're reminded of those losses, like when you're getting married and your partner's family is present and yours is not. Very tough.

    My only advice (if you're looking for advice, as opposed to just other people's experience) is to focus on who WILL be there. I'm estranged from my dad, and the only members of my paternal family who will be invited to our wedding are my godmother (the officiant) and my grandparents. My siblings are very sad about my dad's absence, and that's definitely been a factor in their happiness about the wedding. It's really easy to get bogged down in absences, especially since my partner's whole family will be there.

    So I keep redirecting my thinking. Instead of, "Here's who won't be at the wedding," I'm focusing on who WILL be there. I'm a big believer in friends being your chosen family, so I'm really excited about celebrating with my friends.

    I'm sure as we get closer to the wedding (7 months to go for us), the issue will be a little more prominent. But at least right now, redirecting my focus is good practice.

    ETA: Oh, and you might want to talk to some of your guests about the situation. My partner will be letting some of his friends know that my dad will not be at the wedding and please do not talk about it at the wedding (there's a real concern that some people might approach my siblings, thinking that it's better to ask them than the bride, and ask where our dad is).
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  • H's dad passed many years before I even met H.  One thing we did together, the week before the wedding, was going to visit his dad's grave.  I think it helped H.  But obviously, this isn't the right choice for everyone.  But maybe its something you can bring up to him.

    H was in a similar boat as your FI as well.  His mom was an only child and lost touch with her last living relative, a cousin.  H's father had 11 siblings!  FIL died suddenly two days before Thanksgiving, then a week before Christmas, MIL called up one of her SIL's asking if there could be room for her, H, and BIL at Christmas.  The SIL actually told her that there wouldn't be room at the table for them.  So less than a month after her brother died suddenly, she can't make room at a table for a widow and her two kids?  I almost didn't believe the story when H told me!  Who does that!  As one of the rotating holiday hosts in my family, I couldn't imagine turning away family! Anyway, due to that encounter, H could rather care less about his dad's family and none of them were invited.  He had all of his friends in attendance and that is what he focused on.

  • My FI's father passed away 10 years ago before we started dating and I know him not being there to see FI get married is going to be very difficult for FI but, I also believe in choosing your family. My family and FI get along really well and they've made him a part of their lives. I also love FI's stepdad. He is an amazing guy and I'm grateful FI has him.

    Hugs to your FI and hope your wedding day is great.

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  • lc07lc07 member
    Tenth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Neither of my husband's parents were at our wedding. His father is deceased and his mother become extremely ill right before the wedding and could not travel. It was too late for us to postpone without a massive inconvenience to our other guests. (She is well now). My husband did have both of his brothers at our wedding but he's closer to his friends than his brothers. It was really hard for him. He cried on our wedding day even though he usually keeps a strong front. But in the end we had a wonderful wedding and he had a wonderful time with his friends. 

    It will be hard at times but it will also be an amazing day. Hugs to you and your FI.
  • I am really sorry and know it must be tough. The day before the wedding we will be visiting my FI mother's grave. It is going to help him and not sadden us on the day of the wedding. Maybe you can do something like that?

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  • Ugh sorry I haven't responded all day, it's been a long one...

    Thank you so much for all your kind and thoughtful responses. I too agree that his "chosen family" is what we need to focus on in the next few weeks leading up to the wedding. He's psyched to share the day with his friends but I think at times is overwhelmed with the sadness of who won't be there. I have no doubt our wedding will be full of joy, I just wish I could take away his pain!

    @blueeyes90 - going to his parent's graves is super helpful for him. They are only buried about a mile from our house so we go a lot. I hadn't thought to suggest going there before we leave for the wedding...that's a great idea.
  • No problem. FI lost his mom and his dad isn't really around so he is bummed about that too. 

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