Toasts and speeches...

S&J2014 · April 2014

I'm having a bit of a memory lapse here. Does the groom's mother give a speech at the recption? Or is it just the Father of the bride, MOH, and BM?

Jen4948 · April 2014

There is no requirement that anyone give a speech at the reception. Sometimes one of the fathers does it, or the best man or MOH might. But it's strictly optional.

AddieCake · April 2014

Anyone who offers to give one can. Nobody should be asked or expected to.

freebread03 · April 2014

Nobody gives speeches at a wedding-speeches are for political events, academic conferences, etc. Family or close friends can give a toast-but these should be brief, and kept to a minimum. Nobody wants to sit through 8 toasts, let alone a speech.

Sars06 · April 2014

freebread03 said:

Nobody gives speeches at a wedding-speeches are for political events, academic conferences, etc. Family or close friends can give a toast-but these should be brief, and kept to a minimum. Nobody wants to sit through 8 toasts, let alone a speech.

Exactly. They are not "speeches," they are toasts, and they should each be under 2 minutes.

JoanE2012 · April 2014

S&J2014 said:

I'm having a bit of a memory lapse here. Does the groom's mother give a speech at the recption? Or is it just the Father of the bride, MOH, and BM?

The only person who gave a toast at our wedding was the BM. We did not "make" any one give a toast.....the BM wanted to do one, so he did.

tcnoble · April 2014

On the toast note... Correct me if I'm wrong but no one can be TOLD they are giving one, right? I'm standing up in a friend's wedding and she has so much as implied that I am giving one, because I'm her best friend (but all of us standing are as well) and I never offered... I was under the impression people offered/asked to give toasts. Yay or nay?

wrigleyville · April 2014

tcnoble said:

On the toast note... Correct me if I'm wrong but no one can be TOLD they are giving one, right? I'm standing up in a friend's wedding and she has so much as implied that I am giving one, because I'm her best friend (but all of us standing are as well) and I never offered... I was under the impression people offered/asked to give toasts. Yay or nay?

No, you cannot be forced to prepare a toast. My MOH hates speaking in front of people, so she did not prepare one, and I did not ask. Our BM volunteered to give a toast, and then my dad stood up and gave one (it was a surprise).

HisGirlFriday13 · April 2014

People should offer, not be told, to give toasts.

Toasts should be brief -- less than 2 minutes, preferably less than 90 seconds.

They should be limited to one or maybe two people per side. No one wants to sit through five or ten 2-minute toasts.

a13049 · April 2014

Ugh toasts are mostly horrible. I have see maybe 2 good toasts. Most f the time the are dumbs d filled with inside jokes and to long. I definetly twould t required anyone to give a toast who doesn't want to and will not be mentioning them in any way at out ceremony

SP29 · April 2014

Toasts are optional- anyone can choose to give or not to give one.

countrygirl061513 · April 2014

Completely optional - no one spoke at our reception.

beharrington · April 2014

Do what you can to limit the toasts. DH's uncle stood up to give one (DH's dad asked us to let his brother speak on his behalf). He spoke for a good 15 minutes if not longer. I was sitting at the sweetheart table silently begging him to shut up so we could dance. If I was that miserable, imagine how the guests felt...

Inkdancer · April 2014

Quick related question: how do you figure out who intends to give a toast without asking them to do one?

I know my mom will want to give one, and my dad will feel like he needs to give one. My MOH will probably feel like she's supposed to give a toast even though she has terrible social anxiety, and FI's family absolutely loves toasts. I want to have some at the RD and some at the wedding to minimize the amount of time people are sitting there listening to toasts. What would be the best way to figure out who wants to speak, and let them know when it would be appropriate?

HisGirlFriday13 · April 2014

Inkdancer said:

Quick related question: how do you figure out who intends to give a toast without asking them to do one?

I know my mom will want to give one, and my dad will feel like he needs to give one. My MOH will probably feel like she's supposed to give a toast even though she has terrible social anxiety, and FI's family absolutely loves toasts. I want to have some at the RD and some at the wedding to minimize the amount of time people are sitting there listening to toasts. What would be the best way to figure out who wants to speak, and let them know when it would be appropriate?

I would bring it up casually, like, 'Oh, we were meeting with the DJ and we're going over the order of events at the reception -- introductions, speeches, first dances, etc. -- and trying to work out a timeline.'

That will give an opening for people who WANT to give speeches to say, 'Oh, I want to give a speech/toast,' and for you to say, 'OK, how about at the RD instead?'

My mom came right out and told me, 'Your father and I would like to give a brief welcome toast, since we're hosting,' and I said 'Okie.' My MOH and DH's BM also came right out and said, 'We've been planning speeches, is there anything we need to know?'

I asked our priest if he would give the blessing before the meal, but that was the only person we 'asked' to give a speech -- everyone else volunteered.

I also think it's a 'know your crowd' kind of thing. If your MOH has really severe social anxiety, then you can probably say to her, 'MOH, I love you, and I know that speaking in front of crowds isn't your thing, so please don't feel like you have to give a speech at the wedding. It's really not necessary.' But I would only say that to her if you think she'll take you up on it.

With your FI's family, I think let him handle this. Figure out how many people you (collective you) want to have give speeches at the reception, and then have him figure out how many people are likely to want to give toasts, and then have him say, 'OK, family, BM and FOG are giving toasts at the reception, so anyone else who wants to will have to give a toast at the RD.'

I would also give your DJ very strict instructions that only people on a pre-approved (by you and FI) list are to be allowed to have the microphone.

tabathafaye · April 2014

My brother put me on the spot at his wedding a few weekends ago. "My sister has a few words she would like to say." Grrrrrrrr. Luckily I had been thinking of what I would say if I did toast them. I felt like I won.

Cookie Pusher · April 2014

Knowing our WP, we are reasonably sure that FBIL will want give a completely inappropriate speech (possibly involving the words "boobies" and "weiner"). We're heading it off at the pass. I don't give two shits what FI has to say about it, but I've instructed our DJ not to hand over the mic to anyone but me. I love FBIL but he's 30 going on 5, and FI is a total pushover.

ETA: Yep, actual concern. And not meant to be anything more than a funny description of what is not outside the realm of possibility. From what was relayed to me, your enthusiasm about giving a toast raised his eyebrow. As much as I like you, I also don't want my BSC mom glomming onto anything inappropriate that might be said.

S&J2014 · April 2014

I apologize for my misuse of terminology of "speech." I assume our society has much to learn concerning the proper usage, as many use the action in the form of slang.... according to some that have responded. But I digress..... What is clear is that no one should be asked to speak/give a toast. The couple should be approached. Thank you all for your imput!

SP29 · April 2014

@Inkdancer As for our parents, we openly asked them IF they wanted to give a toast. DH's parents both said no. DH's sister asked if she could do one. My dad said yes, but my mom said no. We also casually asked our WP if they wanted to give a toast, or not, we didn't request it of them. Our MOH, BM and groomsman gave a toast (they were all great- not too long! But my MOH asked what I was thinking and I said 2 minutes or less!), my bridesmaid said no (which was fine!). And then DH and I gave a thank you toast.

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