WWYD? (Bridesmaid robes)

tdisadump · April 2014

I was a lurker here when I was planning my wedding last year and this board was great for making sure I wasn't rude or tacky so when this came up I figured this was a good place to ask.

One of my friends (and bridesmaid from my wedding) is getting married in August. There have been many side-eyeable things thus far but I love her so I've been ignoring it. Those include us all wearing bridesmaid dresses even though we're not standing up with the couple or even walking down the aisle and her being okay with some of the other bridesmaids planning a pot-luck shower where I've been assigned to bring an appetizer for 22 people. Fine, whatevs. But I think this might be where I draw the line.

I got an email from her saying that after much thought and consideration about bridal party gifts she's decided on Kimono robes that she wants us to wear for "getting ready" photos. (I guess at least they don't say bridesmaid?) She wants us to pick a color and then send her our waist, hip, and chest measurements. I'm extremely uncomfortable, both with sending my friend my measurements and being photographed in a robe. I've struggled with some body image issues in the past, which the bride is very aware of. She said in the email that if any of us weren't comfortable with the idea to let her know and we could talk about making them longer than knee length... That's not really the problem though. Should I just suck it up and wear it with leggings and things underneath? Or should I call her and tell her I just can't? I feel sick to my stomach about being photographed like that. Stupid Pinterest.

levieenrose · April 2014

Hi abbygettingmarried,

It sounds like you are being a great friend.

I'd like to confirm your gut feeling. You should let her know that you are uncomfortable--especially if you are already in such anxiety. If she's a good person (let alone friend), she wouldn't force a "gift" on you that will bring so much unhappiness.

The robe is obviously the gift, and then the photo is either a gift for her (she wants it), or a gift for you all (she wants to give you a cute picture where you are all together and using the gifts she gave you).

It sounds like she hasn't purchased them yet, so if you catch her now she might change her mind about it. If her mind is made up that your gift is a robe, then hopefully she will be creative enough to get you a generic size and not require you to be in the photo. Even if she wants that specific photo for herself, then she should be able to respect the fact she's asking for something which you personally cannot give (and there are plenty of other ways you already showed her you care). If she wants to give you all a picture of being together, even a photo of you all getting ready together, there will be many other opportunities for it! It won't mean she's less loved or you're less loved.

Hope it goes well for you! Lots of support.

Sugargirl1019 · April 2014

I second the PP.

If for some reason your friend is unreasonable and insists about the picture in the robe, would you feel more comfortable wearing a t shirt and pants under the robe and being photographed from the knees up? Or possibly the dress under the robe? I feel there is no reason to force girls to be completely undressed underneath this prop.

manateehugger · April 2014

Yeah, no, no one gets to demand photos of you in an undressed state.

I would email her back saying that you feel incredibly uncomfortable with the idea and that you aren't trying to upset her and you are excited to being a bridesmaid, but you will not be wearing a robe for the pictures. The idea gives you physical anxiety, and lengthening the robe does nothing to alleviate that.

Hopefully she will understand and snap out of the crazy Pinterest bride phase to remember she is your friend first.

HisGirlFriday13 · April 2014

I would just email her and say, 'I'm sorry, but I'm really not comfortable being photographed in a robe, so I'm going to decline. I'm sure you understand.'

If she pushes it, I'd push back and stand your ground. No one has the right to make you have photos taken in a state that makes you uncomfortable.

RebeccaB88 · April 2014

I would be every bit as uncomfortable as you are. I do not let ANYONE photograph me in my underwear (which is what I consider a robe to be), and I find robes very uncomfortable. If I wore it at all, it would be over my clothing, which I'm sure is not the picture your friend had in mind. I'd decline and hold my ground. It would be inappropriate for her to push it on you.

And please explain about being bridesmaids but not standing up or walking down the aisle. That's a big WTF moment for me right there.

SP29 · April 2014

Ugh, I detest the bridesmaid robe trend. Well, I detest any group monogrammed clothing for a wedding (I've seen robes, button up shirts, and sweat pants).

Not to mention that buying robes as a "gift" when it's something to do with the wedding, isn't really a gift... but I digress.

I would e-mail her back and tell her that you are uncomfortable being photographed in a robe.

countrygirl061513 · April 2014

I would be honest with her and tell her it makes you very uncomfortable. Maybe they can arrange the picture with a couple of you behind the others and no one will able to tell that you are wearing the robe at all or that you have it on over your clothes.

I think they whole bridesmaid robe trend it dumb and overdone.

wrigleyville · April 2014

I don't get the bathrobe thing. I've never seen pictures of the guys walking around in just their pants or boxers while getting ready. "Getting ready" pictures of the guys are always things like putting cuff links on, straightening their tie in a mirror, tying their shoes, etc.

tdisadump · April 2014

Thanks all. Sometimes I feel like I have to make sure I'm not overreacting to things like this. Glad to know I'm not the only one who would feel like this. I'm going to call her and hopefully she can change her plans. If she pushes it I'll offer to wear it over my clothes (jeans and all!) The bridesmaid dresses are long so that wouldn't be much better.

As for the whole being a bridesmaid but not standing up there or walking down the aisle thing, yeaaaah... According to the bride the altar area is small and I guess she doesn't like the idea of us walking in and then sitting down. I'm not really sure why she needed bridesmaids then and why, when her colors are red and black, if we're not standing up there we couldn't just wear our own black dresses. But this whole thing makes a little more sense since she did say, "Being in our bridal party will be mostly about being in pictures." I didn't know any of that about not standing up there until she had us all out shopping for bridesmaid dresses and asked if anyone had a problem with that. At that point I couldn't figure out a way to back out without ending our friendship.

KickAssMOH · April 2014

As someone who was guilty of giving their bridesmaids matching robes, I'd suggest you wear a tshirt and leggings or sweatpants underneath your robe like my WP did. Pinterest pictures are cute, but in reality, more people will feel uncomfortable being photographed in a short robe than you think. I doubt you'll be the only one wanting to cover up. Heck, I sat there with my "bride" robe on with jeans underneath until the minute I put my spanx and gown on!

(in my defense, they were cheapo robes from TK, i embroidered them with my personal silly nicknames for each BM, and I acknowledged to the group that I never expected them to be worn ever again and they were moreso just an accessorry to have in the room and gift for myself than anything else)

lc07 · April 2014

I would thank her for the thought of buying you a robe, but let her know that you will plan to arrive at her hotel room (or wherever "getting ready" stuff is taking place) already dressed in your bridesmaid dress due to your uncomfortable feelings regarding wearing a robe and being in that state of undress in front of others. This is absolutely 100% okay that you feel this way.

blabla89 · April 2014

Just went through the same thing this weekend, except the robes were a surprise. One of the other BMs and I weren't comfortable being photographed in only a robe. It is totally okay to feel that way.

I wore the robe over my jeans and a tank top and no one said anything about it. I would just thank the bride for it, and put it on over your pants and go about your business. Chances are everyone else will be too busy to worry about it. If someone says something, just say you don't feel comfortable being photographed that way. It really shouldn't be a big deal.

doeydo · April 2014

Why in the heck does she need your measurements for a robe?

But yeah, I agree with PPs that you should just tell her you aren't comfortable with it.

Couggal12 · April 2014

Totally agree with PP about letting the bride know you're not uncomfortable with being photographed like that. I know I wouldn't like it at all. I don't like photos much to begin with, let alone being in a robe. However, if you really get a lot of push back I like the suggestion of wearing clothes under the robe.

Peaseblossom55 · April 2014

I was in a wedding with robes last year. I wore my clothes under the robe the small amount of time I actually had the robe on. The bride was too busy getting ready to not notice I didn't have it on the whole time. We got one rushed picture together in them before we had to put our bridesmaids dresses on. I would definitely tell her how uncomfortable you are being in a robe in pictures, or just wear clothes underneath and leave the robe open.

Viczaesar · April 2014

I'm with you - I wouldn't be comfortable wearing a robe or giving someone my measurements.

wrigleyville · April 2014

doeydo said:

Why in the heck does she need your measurements for a robe?

But yeah, I agree with PPs that you should just tell her you aren't comfortable with it.

Probably so she knows which size to order... comparing to the size chart and all that.

That said, I still wouldn't feel comfortable with it. I don't like telling people what size I wear, let alone my measurements. H's family always asks for my size since they like to get me hoodies for Christmas, and I cringe every single time. I keep telling them gift cards are totally fine.

Inkdancer · April 2014

wrigleyville said:

doeydo said:

Why in the heck does she need your measurements for a robe?

But yeah, I agree with PPs that you should just tell her you aren't comfortable with it.

Probably so she knows which size to order... comparing to the size chart and all that.

That said, I still wouldn't feel comfortable with it. I don't like telling people what size I wear, let alone my measurements. H's family always asks for my size since they like to get me hoodies for Christmas, and I cringe every single time. I keep telling them gift cards are totally fine.

I wouldn't be super comfortable either way, but I'd much rather have someone ask for my measurements or size. My FMIL sent me pajamas last year for my birthday--in a size XL, when I wear a 2X on top. She asked how I liked them later and I had to just smile and tell her the pattern was adorable.

abl13 · April 2014

I was in a wedding where we had to wear robes and the photog put the posed picture of the bridal party in our robes ON HER BLOG. Ugh. So, OP, I would definitely try to talk to the bride so she knows you aren't comfortable with it.

jneen101 · April 2014

What do brides even do with the robe pictures anyway? Do they include them in an album? Put them on the wall? I think the robes are totally stupid and I just don't even think anyone does anything with the pictures later anyway.

It definitely sucks to have to be put in this position because I would be uncomfortable telling my friend I didn't want to wear it because it obviously means a lot to her, for whatever reason. It's just a crap situation, so I feel bad for you. Hopefully after you talk to her she will change her mind about the robes.

VulgarGirl · April 2014

I hate robes. They're always sliding off and maybe I almost lit a sleeve on fire once, just annoying things. I'd end up taking it off and walking around in my chonies and not caring if anyone took a picture of me in them because that's the kind of girl I am. But I agree with the PPs, if you aren't comfortable, there is no reason for you to be in a robe and getting your pictures taken. For a friend's wedding we did some getting ready pictures and we were all just wearing tank tops and yoga pants, mismatched and everything. Nothing even said we were bridesmaids! I know! The horror!

The pictures turned out very cute and the photographer was very respectful. He got us doing our hair, putting on make up, taking shots, and then left while we actually got dressed and came back only to get the bride having her dress done up and putting on her shoes. The pictures look adorable because we were just being ourselves and having fun. Being uncomfortable isn't going to translate to having fun in a picture. It's going to translate to "here's my friend looking super uncomfortable" in a picture. Not a great look.

[Deleted User] · April 2014

Just a suggestion in case the bride has her heart set on that, what if you treated yourself to some nice pj bottoms like in a solid color that would match with the robe? This way it would look more like a lounge outfit and you would be covered? And then maybe a tank top under the robe too?

Maggie0829 · April 2014

I love my super worn and semi-stained pink fluffy robe. I wear it around my house all the time. With that said I would not want to be photographed in it and I would not want to be photographed in a silky short rob with only underwear on under it.

But if I were you OP, I would wear some nice sweats/yoga pants and a tank or something similar that is easy to take off and won't ruin your hair, under the robe. If the bride doesn't like that then she can kiss your ass.

tammym1001 · April 2014

If you aren't comfortable then you aren't comfortable. I would definitely let her know that though.

FWIW, I met with my photographer last week to go over finalizing everything and he talked about "getting ready" pictures. I told him that I want him to take pictures of some of the details in the reception venue while we are getting ready. The reception venue is right next door and I have absolutely no desire to have my picture taken while I'm trying to get dressed or to subject anyone in my wedding party to that. I think it's inappropriate and like a previous PP I would be afraid that those pictures would end up public somehow. I just think they are a bad idea all around.

WWYD? (Bridesmaid robes)

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