talking about babies. . .. thoughts?

kaos16 · April 2014

I was having a conversation with DH on Saturday night, and I'd like to hear the thoughts of my lovely knottie ladies. We both want to have 2 children if we are fortunate enough to be able to. DH expressed to me that he doesn't think there will ever be a day when he will feel he is absolutely 100% ready to have kids. I have heard the same things from a lot of friends that have them. They say that you are never going to feel ready, but more ready enough.

Anyway, DH says that the day we find out we are pregnant he'll be over the moon and excited about it, it's the thought of deciding when to start trying that makes him nervous. His solution. . . .. he wants me to just decide when to stop taking bc and not tell him! I feel like that is an awful idea, like i'd be tricking him!!!!! He says he wants me to trick him.

Thoughts?

HisGirlFriday13 · April 2014

My DH shares your DH's mentality that he'll never be 100% ready, but he'll be 'ready enough' and that he'll be really excited when we do find out I'm pregnant (not TTC yet!)

His rationale is he'll never feel like we have enough money, enough time, enough whatever -- and he's probably right. I know that every time we talk about it, I think, 'I'm sort-of-kind-of-maybe ready.'

When we were on our honeymoon last week, DH mentioned going back to Savannah next year, around the same time, and 'trying for a baby.'

But I would feel like you do, that stopping BC and not telling him would be like tricking him. I wouldn't want to do that, either. I'd want him to KNOW we were TTC, that this was game-time.

ElcaB · April 2014

I'm with you --- it seems a little odd for your FI to express desire for you to "pull a goalie" on him.

I completely understand his mentality. Is anyone really ever ready to have kids? But still, I think you both need to be on the same page when it comes to deciding a time to TTC.

sarahufl · April 2014

I think babies are a group decision. I understand that nobody is ever TRULY 100% ready, and I absolutely share that sentiment. But if FI told me that, I would be hurt. I don't like making decisions and I think something like that is a decision that both people need to make together.

We already set our proposed timeline- wedding in July, then come December we would be open to the idea of kids (after a honeymoon at Christmas). I like that we are on the same page.

I would not be comfortable being the one who had to decide to do it. I happen to be a very anxious person and I would be afraid he would resent me or something later.

FiancB · April 2014

I can sort of understand his mentality but TTC can often be more complicated than you'd think and you'll want his support.

Maggie0829 · April 2014

I can understand his thinking to a point. I do think that you need to have a conversation with him about the whole "not telling him you pulled the plug" thing. It sounds like he really wants kids and looks forward to the day that you have them, but he also should be aware of when you decide to stop taking BC. Like PP said, TTC can sometimes be a hard road and you both should be aware of what is going on and be there to support each other if you do have any bumps along the way.

No one is ever 100% ready to have kids. You can think you are ready but you aren't. There is never any perfect circumstances or any time where you will be 100% financially stable (unless you win the lottery or are a multi-million dollar movie star). I think at this point you and your H need to discuss a time frame for when you want to both start TTC. Explain to him that you understand that him "feeling 100% ready" will probably never happen, but that this isn't something that you should decide alone.

emmaaa · April 2014

I've heard people say that you will never be 100% ready to have kids. Whether it is financially or mentally. My older brother thinks this way too.

mbross3 · April 2014

I don't think I'd be comfortable with this. I would want to know that we were both contributing to making such a big--life changing--decision. I would not feel right about making that decision on my own, in fact, I'd be kind of angry if BF told me to do that. It's almost like he wants out of having to contribute to the timing decision at all.

KatWAG · April 2014

As someone who is about a week out from becoming a parent, I agree with your DH. There is only so much you can prepare for. DH and I talked about finances, work, realtionship, our house, age etc and decided that we were as ready as we will ever be.

I think that there is too much about being a parent that you cant really prepare for until you are waist deep in it.

ETA: I would never stop taking BC without H knowing and being onboard.

mysticl · April 2014

You are never totally ready to have a child. Not just the financial aspect but how it completely changes your life.

Since your DH is fine with you stopping birth control I don't see it as "tricking" him but more as surprising him. However, that doesn't mean I think it's a good idea. The first this to considers is what is both of your attitudes towards conceiving. Is it a "if it happens it happens" approach? Or are you going to try to be more proactive (charting, temping, OPKs, etc)? If you do the second he's bound to notice what is going on. Finally depending on your age the recommendation is to seek medical help after either 6 months or a year of actively trying. He's definitely going to notice when you take him to see a fertility specialist if you decide to go that route. And if he hasn't figured it out by that point it is going to be a lot for him to process all at once.

emmyg65 · April 2014

Yeah, I'm with you. When you decide to try to have children, you need to make that decision together. Also, I think he's being a little immature by leaving the hard choices up to you. No one's ever 100% sure. We're actually starting fertility treatments, but part of me is still terrified about becoming a parent! But you need to put on your big person pants and make that choice consciously.

kaos16 · April 2014

We are certainly going to continue chatting about it. . . . we have entirely too many big life changes going on right now to be in a position to TTC, so we have time. The idea that there could be issues and it may be a difficult and emotional experience is an angle I have not previously presented to him, but certainly will now!!

larrygaga · April 2014

Man, you see all these guys who complain that their girl tricked them, and you've got a man here that actually wants to be tricked! lol!

And no, don't do that. He needs to be aware and ready for that big change.

mbross3 · April 2014

BF and I are in no way TTC, but we occasionally talk about whether we want to have kids one day. We both came into this relationship very on-the-fence about ever having kids (but it turns out- for very different reasons).

This might sound really silly, but BF works in sustainable energy and helped to plan one of the largest environmental conferences in the country. One of the main panelists presented research showing what the US will look like by the end of this century, if we continue the way we are now (3/4 of Florida will be completely submerged, California will be practically gone, the east coast will be begin miles west of where it is now, and populations will be forced inward.) and it basically scared the f$#k out of me and made me seriously question whether or not I can even bring a child into this world--which has sparked conversation about adoption (which I strongly believe in anyway).

I'm not saying that this needs to be on your radar when deciding to have children! I am just suggesting that there are tons of issues to be considered when deciding to TTC and I can't imagine being asked to make any TTC decisions on my own!

WinstonsGirl · April 2014

I wouldn't do it, but could you ease him into it. Kind of like quitting smoking. Set a date where you're going to start (New Years, end of your BCP prescription, etc.) to give him time to get use to the idea of TTC. It could also give him some time/motivation to feel more ready (upping savings, crossing something off the bucket list, etc.). Rather than it being a surprise/trick, he's involved, but has the time to mentally and financially prepare himself

HobokensFury · April 2014

TTC is a 2 way street. You'll need his support. There is never the "right" time to have a baby and no one is 100% ready you just have to take a leap of faith.

DaisyMaeMommy · April 2014

I could never do that to FH! Having a baby is a huge thing! I'd want him to be completely included every step of the way...

But I understand not feeling 100% sure he's ready. I've heard quite a few people say they feel that way!

CMGragain · April 2014

I think you are lucky. My DH is a very controlling engineer. He expected things to go with mathematical precision. They didn't. He was thrilled when it finally happened, though.

pinkshorts27 · April 2014

CMGragain said:

I think you are lucky. My DH is a very controlling engineer. He expected things to go with mathematical precision. They didn't. He was thrilled when it finally happened, though.

I'm actually worried about this for my part. I'm a type A engineer who likes to control. I've gotten soooo much better at not being that way, but it is hard. I catch myself starting to control a situation and force myself to back off.

Also, I have baby fever like crazy but know the timing is no where near right for us. I can't imagine what it is going to be like when the timing is right. (Not right = living long distance in different states, FI still in school with student loans, still young and want to enjoy life alone for a bit)

CMGragain · April 2014

A PS. on my last post, DH, the controlling engineer, was also mystified when childbirth didn't go as he expected. I had a ten pound baby girl, and after a couple of days of non-productive labor, I got an old-fashioned caesarian. During the long wait, he tried to take the back off the monitor machine to see how it worked. The nurse caught him.
He was the first husband our OB allowed into the surgery to watch a caesarian delivery. The idea was that he could hold my hand while I was undergoing the procedure. Nope. DH went down to the other side of the drape to watch the doctor operate and offer his suggestions!. The anesthesiologist held my hand, instead.
The doctor let DH remove my staples several weeks later. DH thought he was in engineer heaven!
I really love this crazy man.

B0320 · April 2014

I love the way my best friend and her husband decided when to start trying for their first since neither could pick a "start date".... They used a random number generator on their phone to pick the month & the day then put it on the calendar as they day she would stop birth control. After that they went with the when it happens approach (aka no temping, charting, etc) and they got pregnant somewhere around the 4 month mark.

I know after FI & I are married we'll start the "if it happens" approach after 6 months (he's 8 years older then me and doesn't want to be in his mid 40's having his first!).

grumbledore · April 2014

My opinion is, if you trust that your DH knows his own heart and mind and means 100% what he is saying to you, then this is fine. If you have any doubts whatsoever, sort them out before pulling the goalie.

lc07 · April 2014

I'd like to add that I've heard from friends and family (no first hand experience here) that TTC can sometimes make sex stressful or like a chore at times. As long as you are feeling good and supported about the whole thing, maybe not telling him would keep things less "pressured" and fun?

erinlin25 · April 2014

my H is the same way. He is on board to have kids but the idea still freaks him out. He knows he will never be 100% ready to say OK lets do this! So we have decided to just prepare ourselves as much as we can so if it does happen we will be OK. I have not gone off BC yet and we've decided we need at least another year to be selfish and enjoy each other. So most likely next year I will not renew my Rx unless some major life changing event happens. We hope to go on at least one more vacation and then go from there. I don't want there to be pressure on TTC at first so we do not plan to chart and whatnot but if it takes more than a year we would start looking into getting "more serious" about TTC.

talking about babies. . .. thoughts?

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