Another BM bites the dust, and other rants

FiancB · April 2014

I just had a lovely weekend visiting FILs and FIs friends and we got back and we were talking about how excited we were to be moving down there. And then I log into facebook and one very good friend left me a message about how she can't afford to come. This came up around a month or two ago and I offered to pay for her ticket but she doesn't want to do that now. I was just going to buy her ticket probably on Tuesday now that it's about 60 days out and about as cheap as they're going to get.

I am really super bummed, and it's hard not to be hurt/take it personally. This girl used to be my absolute best friend. I've known her since she was born and we did everything together but I moved here 3 years ago and have drifted some and honestly don't really talk all that much anymore. It happens, but it still hurts. And the money reason sort of stinks since I offered to pay and because I sort of know she can afford it somewhat. That probably comes across as bratty, but it's hard not to think about the posted pics from out of state trips from last week and things like that. And I understand people not being comfortable with taking money but I sort of thought we were closer than that, if that makes any sense. The tickets have been running pretty reasonable and it's a punch to the wallet for sure but I CAN get her ticket out her without much issue. If it were a true DW it would be one thing but it's from the west coast to the midwest and it's not that bad.

I haven't replied yet, just processing it and I'm just kind of overwhelmed. Maybe she declined because she wasn't sure whether I meant paying for it all, or maybe she looked at flights on the wrong days and thinks they're way more expensive than they are so I don't know if I should try again or just let it go. I get it, nobody's obligated to be my bridesmaid but not having her there in particular, man it really stings. I have another good friend that won't be able to make it. I understand, she just bought a house and shit's hard and I wasn't really expecting her to say yes to coming out, especially since I didn't make it to hers for similar reasons.

It's just kind of compounding general loneliness that I've been having. I'm in this awkward spot to where I've been living here long enough to have drifted from people back home but I haven't been here long enough to make close friends here. Our wedding is 9 weeks out and I will have almost no friends there and my family has been mostly a giant pain in my rear, and are pretty much going to just show up and then leave as per what they feel their obligation is. So at this point it's just getting really hard to get excited for the wedding. I'm thrilled to be getting married to FI but as time goes I'm wishing more and more we would have just eloped. His family and friends are wonderful and have been really welcoming to me but I just don't have the same connection to them as my own friends and family, you know? Hopefully someday, especially now that we're moving closer, but not now.

I'm sure in the end our day will be great and I'll be glad we did it this way, but right this second I feel more dread than anything that we have so much to do and so many things have gone wrong and will go wrong and we're dumping all this money into it and two of my best friends won't even be there. I know all you need for a wedding is a bride and groom and officiant, but it's really hard not to be bummed over something like this.

Glad I bought some wine over the weekend at least. Thanks for reading.

Angusaur · April 2014

I don't think you're being bratty. Anyone can say someone's financial situation isn't any of our business, and they'd be right. But I'm just as guilty of anyone else with observing and feeling sting when we aren't made priority to people that we make priority. You have offered to pay for the ticket and she still declined, of course it hurts. I don't know if I would say anything else to her. If you really think she didn't understand your offer, you could gently remind her that you're willing to help with the ticket if she changes her mind.

As for the loneliness, I really do feel you there. I moved from Baltimore MD (where I really never had a ton of friends, just a handful or two of good ones) to 4-5 hours into PA. I've lived here about 14 months now. I still talk to my best friend everyday, but most of my other friends I've already been drifting from. I have worked 2 different jobs since working here, and unfortunately haven't met many people at all through there. So I really have very little friends right now. It sucks. I do have an awesome FI, son, and wine, so that's always a plus. Hugs!

HisGirlFriday13 · April 2014

I'm sorry. I also don't think you're being bratty, because it does sting when someone who's a priority to you doesn't make you a priority. It is a slap in the face.

(((HUGS)))

FiancB · April 2014

Thanks for the hugs. It's petty, but between my parents stirring up drama and refusing to participate, and me having hardly anyone make it, I'm worried I'll be angry and a bit humiliated on our wedding day. I'm hoping I'll be too busy and excited to really notice, but I'm not sure.

abbyj700 · April 2014

@FiancB - I'm sure it sucks. BUT the financial reason is a good reason. We as a group on here always seem to echo that you do not make decisions on what people spend money on. Period. Everyone has their own priorities - whether they seem right to you or not. And I know personally I would never feel comfortable having a friend pay for a plane ticket I couldn't afford. BUT something else that is echoed on here - just because she wont' be present doesn't mean that she loves you any less.

Having moved form Pittsburgh to Cincinnati I know what you're feeling. It takes time to make dear friends. BUT they'll come, I promise. And it sounds like you love your FI's friends and family - so hold close to them. No reason they can't be friends with both of you!

*hugs*

HisGirlFriday13 · April 2014

FiancB said:

Thanks for the hugs. It's petty, but between my parents stirring up drama and refusing to participate, and me having hardly anyone make it, I'm worried I'll be angry and a bit humiliated on our wedding day. I'm hoping I'll be too busy and excited to really notice, but I'm not sure.

I know you're worried about this, but it won't happen. I promise.

DH's parents crashed our wedding, as did his crack/heroin/meth addict sister. Honest-to-God crashed, uninvited, showed up anyway. (DH had had to call them the week before our wedding and say, 'Look, I realise BSC grandma told you when and where the wedding is, and you're apparently dead-set on coming. You're not invited and we don't want you there, but we can't stop you from coming to the church. HOWEVER, if you even ATTEMPT to attend the reception, you'll be arrested for trespassing. Are we clear?')

His parents sat in the vestibule of the church, just outside the bridal room where I was getting ready, refusing to move. My mother had to chivvy them out of the way, finally saying to them, 'I need you to be seated NOW because you're holding up everything else.'

They stood off to the side during our receiving line, trying to get a photo of us. DH noticed that, we turned, they took a photo, then they walked outside for the bubble send-off. My MOH was watching the whole thing, and once outside, she guided them to the back, where we couldn't see them, and then she and my mom both said, 'Have a nice trip back to [your town]!' in voices that did not leave any room for interpretation or argument. They left, and we didn't see or think about them for the rest of the day. (Well, DH did, because his effing BSC grandmother said, during their spotlight dance, 'I wish your father could be here.')

At the end of the day, we were married, we were surrounded by people who loved us -- my family, our friends -- and it was a great day. You'll have your friends there, and your FI's family. Even if there aren't a lot of your friends there, those who ARE there will mean that much more to you.

It does sound like your FI's family is awesome, so embrace that. I remarked to DH that I was sorry more of his family hadn't come (his father's cousins, whom he actually likes), and he said, 'Meh. I have your family, and they're awesome, so I don't really need cousins I rarely see. We can share your family!'

Share your FI's family.

mysticl · April 2014

I get the whole family and friends thing. DH has a huge extended family who is scattered all over the country but they make seeing each other a priority. They didn't all make our wedding but a huge chunk of them did. My family has drifted and while I did invite all of my surviving aunts, uncles, and first cousins only a small (like baby sized) handful of my family came. In fact I later realized that one of my friends from high school had more blood relatives at my wedding than I did because I invited her entire immediate family. Most of my friends didn't make it either. It was a little sad but I still had a blast.

FiancB · April 2014

Thanks. It does help to hear from people that have been through similar. My family is pretty crazy but they got nothin' on @HisGirlFriday13 's in-laws for sure.

HisGirlFriday13 · April 2014

FiancB said:

Thanks. It does help to hear from people that have been through similar. My family is pretty crazy but they got nothin' on @HisGirlFriday13 's in-laws for sure.

No one does. Someday I'm going to write a book, and they're ALL gonna be in it!

lc07 · April 2014

I really feel for you. There were people that I really wanted to make it out to our wedding that couldn't but my absolute VIPs were there. It would have been incredibly painful to me to not have them there. No matter the reason.

I, too, have moved far away from everyone else and don't feel like I've formed the same kind of connections in my new place.

I don't think you're being bratty.

I also worried that no one would come to my bridal shower (70% of our entire wedding guest list was a plane flight away) and that the 2 people who might attend might think I'm a loser because I have no friends out here. Which is not the case, but, whatever, we get inside our own heads too much.

I'm rambling but just wanted you to know you're not alone and I'm thinking of you.

erinlin25 · April 2014

it is a bummer and yes in a perfect world people would be able to save the money and make these types of events a priority. Just remember the plane ticket is just one expense--there is the dress, meals, hotel, and probably taking time of work, etc so bottom line could be she just could not afford it. I would hope as your friend you guys would be able to talk about it instead of an email, so give yourself a little time and then call her. Assure it is no big deal and it means more to you have her there. she may just not want to feel like a financial burden. and she bottom line just might not be able to afford all that is involved. It is a very nice gesture for you to offer to buy the ticket but end of the day accept and do not hold it against her if she does decline. You have every right to be upset and I do not think you are being bratty at all! It does not necessarily mean that she does not want to be there.

For what it is worth, i feel you on moving and going through the stage of friends drifting a part because of that. 3 years ago I moved to be with my now husband about 4 hours away from my hometown. I definitely learned who my lifelong friends were in the process. There are people who are able to continue long distance relationships and then there are people where friendship is more of a convenience so even though there were friends who did not make the effort to continue the friendship I have no hard feelings. You can only try for so long and then it is not worth the hurt feelings. Part of growing up is moving on and sometimes you will keep friends in the process and unfortunately other friends turn out just to be a convenience. I am happy to have my 3 best friends who no matter how a part we are I know the friendship will continue. We still talk daily and make efforts to "meet in the middle" 1 or 2x a year.

point is to focus on those who will be there and do not dwell on those who cannot make it.

Another BM bites the dust, and other rants

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