Gift question

Istoleahalo · April 2014

I've seen it mentioned several times on here that you shouldn't consider BM's jewelry for the day of or makeup/hair as part of their gift. I'm just curious as to why that is. I'm not doing it - mainly because I'm not dictating how they should wear their hair/makeup/or what jewelry, I'm just curious. I saw one person say it is "part of their uniform" but if it isn't customary for the bride to pay for those things, why wouldn't anything above and beyond be considered a gift? I can kind of see the hair/make up as it isn't lasting, but a nice piece of jewelry, to me, could be considered a gift because they get to keep it afterwards.

Not trying to start drama...just seriously wondering why this is. If I were given a piece of jewelry and asked to wear it to a wedding but allowed to keep it afterwards, I think I would consider it a gift (even if I never wore it again - I mean after all who hasn't gotten a Christmas gift that you NEVER use lol).

grumbledore · April 2014

Istoleahalo said: I've seen it mentioned several times on here that you shouldn't consider BM's jewelry for the day of or makeup/hair as part of their gift. I'm just curious as to why that is. I'm not doing it - mainly because I'm not dictating how they should wear their hair/makeup/or what jewelry, I'm just curious. I saw one person say it is "part of their uniform" but if it isn't customary for the bride to pay for those things, why wouldn't anything above and beyond be considered a gift? I can kind of see the hair/make up as it isn't lasting, but a nice piece of jewelry, to me, could be considered a gift because they get to keep it afterwards.
Not trying to start drama...just seriously wondering why this is. If I were given a piece of jewelry and asked to wear it to a wedding but allowed to keep it afterwards, I think I would consider it a gift (even if I never wore it again - I mean after all who hasn't gotten a Christmas gift that you NEVER use lol). It is customary for the bride/couple to pay if they are requiring that the hair/makeup/whatever be done. And I don't generally like other people picking jewelry for me - someone who was close to me should know that and consider that a different gift would be more appropriate.

If a BM likes jewelry and you think you can get her something she will really like, then go ahead, but don't require her to wear it for the wedding.

It's supposed to be a thank you gift.

Istoleahalo · April 2014

grumbledore said:

Istoleahalo said:

I've seen it mentioned several times on here that you shouldn't consider BM's jewelry for the day of or makeup/hair as part of their gift. I'm just curious as to why that is. I'm not doing it - mainly because I'm not dictating how they should wear their hair/makeup/or what jewelry, I'm just curious. I saw one person say it is "part of their uniform" but if it isn't customary for the bride to pay for those things, why wouldn't anything above and beyond be considered a gift? I can kind of see the hair/make up as it isn't lasting, but a nice piece of jewelry, to me, could be considered a gift because they get to keep it afterwards.

Not trying to start drama...just seriously wondering why this is. If I were given a piece of jewelry and asked to wear it to a wedding but allowed to keep it afterwards, I think I would consider it a gift (even if I never wore it again - I mean after all who hasn't gotten a Christmas gift that you NEVER use lol).

It is customary for the bride/couple to pay if they are requiring that the hair/makeup/whatever be done. And I don't generally like other people picking jewelry for me - someone who was close to me should know that and consider that a different gift would be more appropriate.

If a BM likes jewelry and you think you can get her something she will really like, then go ahead, but don't require her to wear it for the wedding.

It's supposed to be a thank you gift.

Oh, guess I didn't realize this. I've only been in one wedding where we weren't responsible for our own hair/make up and that time it was done by an uncle of the groom who happened to be a hair/make up professional and did us all for free.

I'm not getting them jewelry to wear in the wedding, just a curiosity

Wondering why a gift (a thing given willingly to someone without expecting payment) isn't a "gift"...but your reasoning makes since in your case... If you don't like jewelry at all then presumably the bride, who should know you well if she asked you to be in her wedding, shouldn't expect that to be a well-recieved gift.

Istoleahalo · April 2014

Another thought...we "require" them to wear specific dresses (the BM dresses)...but we don't usually buy them for them. Again, I'm just honestly curious..I guess I'm in a "thoughtful" mood right now.

mysticl · April 2014

Istoleahalo said:

Another thought...we "require" them to wear specific dresses (the BM dresses)...but we don't usually buy them for them. Again, I'm just honestly curious..I guess I'm in a "thoughtful" mood right now.

And therefore they've already spent a chunk of money on the wedding, adding jewelry, hair, and makeup to that could price someone out of participating in a wedding.

As for giving wedding day jewelry for a gift I wouldn't be offended by it but I may also never wear it again. While I love jewelry I am a SAHM to a toddler so it doesn't fair well. I'm also a social worker who works with mentally ill children, which means when I am employed I tend to have jobs where I may be the victim of violence, again jewelry doesn't fair well.

The bride for the last wedding I was in gave us jewelry to wear that day (as well as gifts that were personal to each of us) while it was lovely it was custom made to go with the dress, I probably won't have many opportunities to wear it in the future.

artbyallie · April 2014

The trend (and it is a trend--normal weddings have only been this elaborate for a few decades) of matching dresses chosen by the bride seems to be on a downward slide, thankfully. More and more brides are buying the dresses or only specifying a color. All brides should at least ask for a budget from each bridesmaid individually before choosing a dress or designer. I, however, have never been asked for my budget for any wedding I've been in, though two did not care where I chose a dress so I could set my own budget for those.

As for mine, I asked for short and any shade of blue and left it at that. Or tried--the women I chose insisted I assign actual colors to each of them. And I said any black shoes, and frankly wish I had not even gone that far because who gives a fuck about what color their shoes are?! I can't even tell in the pictures that are far enough back that their feet are visible.

Istoleahalo · April 2014

artbyallie said:

The trend (and it is a trend--normal weddings have only been this elaborate for a few decades) of matching dresses chosen by the bride seems to be on a downward slide, thankfully. More and more brides are buying the dresses or only specifying a color. All brides should at least ask for a budget from each bridesmaid individually before choosing a dress or designer. I, however, have never been asked for my budget for any wedding I've been in, though two did not care where I chose a dress so I could set my own budget for those.

As for mine, I asked for short and any shade of blue and left it at that. Or tried--the women I chose insisted I assign actual colors to each of them. And I said any black shoes, and frankly wish I had not even gone that far because who gives a fuck about what color their shoes are?! I can't even tell in the pictures that are far enough back that their feet are visible.

Yeah, I kinda did the same. For my first wedding I told them a color and they chose their dress, this time I said "I want one girl in this color, one in this, one in this, and one in this..." and let them decide who was in what color and what dress. I've also never been asked about budget for a dress... granted one of them I was given a color and said told to just find something to wear on the beach and another other was a fairly cheap dress anyway, but my sisters was this hideous long satin thing that is now taking up space in the back of my closet. I have pictures of me in a pink bubble dress in my grandmother's (yes, my grandmother!) wedding when I was about 7...also hideous! haha

[Deleted User] · April 2014

I think the hair/make up thing would be a nice gift only if the wedding party was going to do it anyway. If someone doesn't wear make up or want to get their hair professionally done, then it would be a waste to pay for that. But I'd personally love it if the bride offered to cover my hair and make up. I would also include a nice thank you card and maybe something else, like a scarf or some sweets.

Istoleahalo · April 2014

JMVA2014 said:

I think the hair/make up thing would be a nice gift only if the wedding party was going to do it anyway. If someone doesn't wear make up or want to get their hair professionally done, then it would be a waste to pay for that. But I'd personally love it if the bride offered to cover my hair and make up. I would also include a nice thank you card and maybe something else, like a scarf or some sweets.

That's kind of what I thought too. Anything that is given to me is a gift and I try to be appreciative of that.

LondonLisa · April 2014

Istoleahalo said:

I've seen it mentioned several times on here that you shouldn't consider BM's jewelry for the day of or makeup/hair as part of their gift. I'm just curious as to why that is. I'm not doing it - mainly because I'm not dictating how they should wear their hair/makeup/or what jewelry, I'm just curious. I saw one person say it is "part of their uniform" but if it isn't customary for the bride to pay for those things, why wouldn't anything above and beyond be considered a gift? I can kind of see the hair/make up as it isn't lasting, but a nice piece of jewelry, to me, could be considered a gift because they get to keep it afterwards.

Not trying to start drama...just seriously wondering why this is. If I were given a piece of jewelry and asked to wear it to a wedding but allowed to keep it afterwards, I think I would consider it a gift (even if I never wore it again - I mean after all who hasn't gotten a Christmas gift that you NEVER use lol).

It is customary for the bride to pay for those things if she requires them in her wedding.

Bubblegum5586 · April 2014

I personally would love my hair and makeup to be considered "my gift". I also don't mind receiving jewelry to wear that day as 'my gift". I honestly don't care about my gift at all. I am honored to be recognized as someone special you want by your side on your special day and that is gift enough for me.

I really wanted my girls to have their hair done but wasn't sure I could afford up-dos for 6 girls and myself. Then on of my hair dresser friends offered as her gift! And her sister is also a hairdresser (and both are sisters to a BM of mine!) all were friends of mine in HS but I was really close with the one I asked to be my BM, but it was so awesome to have the other 2 girls there while we got ready and that they GIFTED everyone's hair and my make up for me! (and my trials and MOH trial!)

Istoleahalo · April 2014

bubblegum1309 said:

I personally would love my hair and makeup to be considered "my gift". I also don't mind receiving jewelry to wear that day as 'my gift". I honestly don't care about my gift at all. I am honored to be recognized as someone special you want by your side on your special day and that is gift enough for me.

I really wanted my girls to have their hair done but wasn't sure I could afford up-dos for 6 girls and myself. Then on of my hair dresser friends offered as her gift! And her sister is also a hairdresser (and both are sisters to a BM of mine!) all were friends of mine in HS but I was really close with the one I asked to be my BM, but it was so awesome to have the other 2 girls there while we got ready and that they GIFTED everyone's hair and my make up for me! (and my trials and MOH trial!)

Awesome!

MyNameIsNot · April 2014

Think about the jewelry, hair and make up like the bouquet. You choose it because you want it for your wedding, not because you are giving your friends flowers. They might get to keep them afterwards, but you still didn't buy them flowers.

If you are paying for pro styling or accessories, it's because you want them for your wedding, not as a favor to your friends. A gift would be a jewelry or pampering that is not to be used for the wedding.

PrettyGirlLost · April 2014

I don't think it actually is customary for the Bride to pay for hair and make up if she requires it. . . In all of the weddings I have been in over the past 15 years, only one Bride has ever paid for my hair and make up.

I think this is a TK thing, but I think it's awesome and makes a lot of sense! I hope it becomes the norm as more and more Brides come here and get information.

LondonLisa · April 2014

PrettyGirlLost said:

I don't think it actually is customary for the Bride to pay for hair and make up if she requires it. . . In all of the weddings I have been in over the past 15 years, only one Bride has ever paid for my hair and make up. I think this is a TK thing, but I think it's awesome and makes a lot of sense! I hope it becomes the norm as more and more Brides come here and get information.

Oh dear, that's awful! I'm so sorry that happened to you.

Of course it is the Bride's responsibility. I think @MyNameIsNot hit it on the head when she said think of it like a bouquet. Would you ever be ok with a bride telling you to pay for your own bouquet? Or the bouquet was the gift?

Where I am from, it is traditional for the bride to even pay for the dress. However, I have been in an American and Canadian wedding where I paid for my own (I get that it is cultural- so no big deal) however, I would think it is SO rude if someone required me to have my hair/makeup done by someone I don't know in a style I may not like and then PAY for it? That is insulting!

I had to get my makeup done for a few weddings, and in one I looked like a streetwalker, but that is what the bride wanted and she paid. But I would be furious if I had to wear this clown makeup to a party AND pay for the honour. Not everyone's personal makeup and hairstyles is to other's taste (meaning what person A wants and likes, may make person B feel like rubbish). If one requires it at a wedding, the bride should pay for it.

Jewellery is an OK gift, but you have to realise that if you want it to be their "gift" you have to be absolutely fine if they say thank you and put it in their bag (ie NOT wear it to the wedding). If one feels like they would say "put it on for the party!" then they need to buy another gift. The bride cannot even hint at the fact she would like them to wear it to the wedding. Then it becomes part of the uniform.

larrygaga · April 2014

Not sure if this was mentioned, but if the bride doesn't give me jewelry or indicates shes going to, I would probably buy my own to match or wear my own. I have a set of pearls I wear for every wedding I've been in, and if the bride wants me to wear crappy fake diamonds or something, I would be pretty put-out. Plus there are also metal allergies to think about.

Personally, I love any and all types of jewelry. As long as it isn't something crazy and blingy that you could only wear at a very formal event. I would also love if my hair and makeup was paid for as my thank you.

The difference is if it is jewelry specifically for your wedding, or just in general. General is okay.

I have my heart set on doing other types of gifts for my own bridesmaids though.

larrygaga · April 2014

PrettyGirlLost said:

I don't think it actually is customary for the Bride to pay for hair and make up if she requires it. . . In all of the weddings I have been in over the past 15 years, only one Bride has ever paid for my hair and make up. I think this is a TK thing, but I think it's awesome and makes a lot of sense! I hope it becomes the norm as more and more Brides come here and get information.

This happens in my area, as well. Hair dressers usually cost about 20 bucks, though. I always do my own makeup. Other people don't do it right, no matter how prestigious a make-up artist they are. Hair isn't a requirement, but everyone gets it done anyway.

I actually had a bride ask me to wear my hair up, and gave me the hair appointment time. I know I will pay for it, and I didn't even think twice about it. My dress was way under my budget, so I really don't mind. I know I could do my own hair that day and ask her to cancel the appointment, but I won't.

I didn't know that was rude until I came here. It's generally expected that everyone gets their hair done and they pay for it, unless they have short hair or plan to wear it like they usually do.

I couldn't afford to pay for everyone's hair in my BP (I have 7) , so I will provide a hairstylist and say go for it if you want.

Istoleahalo · April 2014

Thanks for the input, everyone. I can see/understand many of your points. What if the bride gave them a gift cert for the hair/make up but said she didn't care a)how their hair and make up was fixed so each girl could choose for herself what they wanted or b) IF they used it for the wedding - it's a gift cert so it can be used later. Is it a gift in that case, even if all the girls decide to use it for the wedding? My opinion would be that this would be considered a gift because it doesn't HAVE to be used for the wedding, but can if the girl chooses to. Am I on the right track? LOL

(again, my gifts are already planned out and none of it involves hair/make up, I'm just wondering)

LondonLisa · April 2014

Istoleahalo said:

Thanks for the input, everyone. I can see/understand many of your points. What if the bride gave them a gift cert for the hair/make up but said she didn't care a)how their hair and make up was fixed so each girl could choose for herself what they wanted or b) IF they used it for the wedding - it's a gift cert so it can be used later. Is it a gift in that case, even if all the girls decide to use it for the wedding? My opinion would be that this would be considered a gift because it doesn't HAVE to be used for the wedding, but can if the girl chooses to. Am I on the right track? LOL

(again, my gifts are already planned out and none of it involves hair/make up, I'm just wondering)

Well, you should shop for them like you would their birthday. If they are the kind of person that would like to get their hair and makeup done for a night out, or whatever, then I think it is ok, but still a bit iffy. I think that is unfair pressure to have them their makeup and hair done for the wedding. That is how I would read that gift.

It is like bringing a bottle of wine to a dinner party and expecting it to be served.

Istoleahalo · April 2014

LondonLisa said:

Istoleahalo said:

Thanks for the input, everyone. I can see/understand many of your points. What if the bride gave them a gift cert for the hair/make up but said she didn't care a)how their hair and make up was fixed so each girl could choose for herself what they wanted or b) IF they used it for the wedding - it's a gift cert so it can be used later. Is it a gift in that case, even if all the girls decide to use it for the wedding? My opinion would be that this would be considered a gift because it doesn't HAVE to be used for the wedding, but can if the girl chooses to. Am I on the right track? LOL

(again, my gifts are already planned out and none of it involves hair/make up, I'm just wondering)

Well, you should shop for them like you would their birthday. If they are the kind of person that would like to get their hair and makeup done for a night out, or whatever, then I think it is ok, but still a bit iffy. I think that is unfair pressure to have them their makeup and hair done for the wedding. That is how I would read that gift.

It is like bringing a bottle of wine to a dinner party and expecting it to be served.

Why is it iffy if the girl enjoys getting all dolled up and it was stated that it wasn't expected to be used for the wedding - and hair/make up isn't even being dictated anyway? If it's a gift cert, it can be used whenever. I see it as being different than "We are going at X time and I'm paying" What if it's not the only gift but one in conjunction with others?

Viczaesar · April 2014

Istoleahalo said:

Thanks for the input, everyone. I can see/understand many of your points. What if the bride gave them a gift cert for the hair/make up but said she didn't care a)how their hair and make up was fixed so each girl could choose for herself what they wanted or b) IF they used it for the wedding - it's a gift cert so it can be used later. Is it a gift in that case, even if all the girls decide to use it for the wedding? My opinion would be that this would be considered a gift because it doesn't HAVE to be used for the wedding, but can if the girl chooses to. Am I on the right track? LOL

(again, my gifts are already planned out and none of it involves hair/make up, I'm just wondering)

If it were given to me I wouldn't consider it a gift because I hate having my hair done and I would never have somebody else do my make up. It would demonstrate to me that the bride clearly doesn't know me well or didn't think about me as an individual and my likes/dislikes.

LondonLisa · April 2014

Istoleahalo said:

LondonLisa said:

Istoleahalo said:

Thanks for the input, everyone. I can see/understand many of your points. What if the bride gave them a gift cert for the hair/make up but said she didn't care a)how their hair and make up was fixed so each girl could choose for herself what they wanted or b) IF they used it for the wedding - it's a gift cert so it can be used later. Is it a gift in that case, even if all the girls decide to use it for the wedding? My opinion would be that this would be considered a gift because it doesn't HAVE to be used for the wedding, but can if the girl chooses to. Am I on the right track? LOL

(again, my gifts are already planned out and none of it involves hair/make up, I'm just wondering)

Well, you should shop for them like you would their birthday. If they are the kind of person that would like to get their hair and makeup done for a night out, or whatever, then I think it is ok, but still a bit iffy. I think that is unfair pressure to have them their makeup and hair done for the wedding. That is how I would read that gift.

It is like bringing a bottle of wine to a dinner party and expecting it to be served.

Why is it iffy if the girl enjoys getting all dolled up and it was stated that it wasn't expected to be used for the wedding - and hair/make up isn't even being dictated anyway? If it's a gift cert, it can be used whenever. I see it as being different than "We are going at X time and I'm paying" What if it's not the only gift but one in conjunction with others?

I think it is very loaded to give this gift as it pressures the person to use it right then and there. It is like showing up at a dinner party with a something that you prepared at home. Yes, a homecooked dish is a nice gift, but it is very loaded as it insinuates that you expect the hostess to serve it, even though she has already planned her meal.

I think it only works in a handful of situations, but a safer bet would be something like a facial or massage gift certificate as that is obviously just for HER and not for your wedding. And in all honesty, if you do not expect the person to use it at your wedding, why would you insist on a hair or makeup gift certificate unless you secretly wanted her to use it for your ceremony? I like getting my hair done, but I would definitely feel pressured to use it for the wedding and not really feel like it was much of a "gift".

kkitkat79 · April 2014

MyNameIsNot said:

Think about the jewelry, hair and make up like the bouquet. You choose it because you want it for your wedding, not because you are giving your friends flowers. They might get to keep them afterwards, but you still didn't buy them flowers.

If you are paying for pro styling or accessories, it's because you want them for your wedding, not as a favor to your friends. A gift would be a jewelry or pampering that is not to be used for the wedding.

What if I don't care how or if they do their hair and make up and what jewelry they wear, but I know that some are planning on getting hair and make up done anyway? Wouldn't it be a nice gift to have that covered for them? It wouldn't be for me because I don't care either way.

SpringBride216 · April 2014

I've never been in a wedding where the bride paid for my hair and makeup (other than my sister's and I was her only attendant). Personally, I would love it if a bride paid for one or both of those things as my gift! That would save me $100ish, and I'd much prefer that to a monogrammed tote bag.

I aim to pay for at least hair OR makeup for my bridal party (we are getting married in an expensive area, so hair and makeup can run $150-$200 per bridesmaid, which is out of our budget to cover all of). That being said, having hair & makeup done will also be optional, so anyone who wants to do their own can get a different gift, I suppose.

MyNameIsNot · April 2014

kkitkat79 said:

MyNameIsNot said:

Think about the jewelry, hair and make up like the bouquet. You choose it because you want it for your wedding, not because you are giving your friends flowers. They might get to keep them afterwards, but you still didn't buy them flowers.

If you are paying for pro styling or accessories, it's because you want them for your wedding, not as a favor to your friends. A gift would be a jewelry or pampering that is not to be used for the wedding.

What if I don't care how or if they do their hair and make up and what jewelry they wear, but I know that some are planning on getting hair and make up done anyway? Wouldn't it be a nice gift to have that covered for them? It wouldn't be for me because I don't care either way.

I assumed you weren't dictating how they had their hair and make up done. That would be really crazy.

It's still for your wedding, not a gift for them. I'm not saying it wouldn't be a nice thing to do, but it isn't a gift for the bridesmaids. If you got a hotel room and offered them a free place to stay the night before, would you want that to be considered a gift too?

kkitkat79 · April 2014

MyNameIsNot said:

kkitkat79 said:

MyNameIsNot said:

Think about the jewelry, hair and make up like the bouquet. You choose it because you want it for your wedding, not because you are giving your friends flowers. They might get to keep them afterwards, but you still didn't buy them flowers.

If you are paying for pro styling or accessories, it's because you want them for your wedding, not as a favor to your friends. A gift would be a jewelry or pampering that is not to be used for the wedding.

What if I don't care how or if they do their hair and make up and what jewelry they wear, but I know that some are planning on getting hair and make up done anyway? Wouldn't it be a nice gift to have that covered for them? It wouldn't be for me because I don't care either way.

I assumed you weren't dictating how they had their hair and make up done. That would be really crazy.

It's still for your wedding, not a gift for them. I'm not saying it wouldn't be a nice thing to do, but it isn't a gift for the bridesmaids. If you got a hotel room and offered them a free place to stay the night before, would you want that to be considered a gift too?

If I was a bridesmaid I would most definitely consider it a gift and I would not expect anything more from the bride. If I am coming from out of town and have to spend $100 for hotel room and have a choice between a bride covering that cost for me or getting some other gift I would choose covering the cost of hotel. Let me put it this way, a bridesmaid gift doesn't need to be expensive. It can be as simple as a card and a heartfelt letter, right? So why wouldn't makeup, hair, hotel, etc and a nice card with a heartfelt letter not be a very thoughtful gift? I would be very happy. Again, this is only if the bridesmaid indeed wants to get her make up/hair done or needs hotel room. If they don't really care for such things then yes, a bride needs to come up with something else. To clarify, a separate hotel room, not the one I am staying in. Offering to share my room wouldn't be a gift obviously.

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