Conflicted...Am I in the wrong?

aliciar876 · April 2014

Question, my fiance's parents told us last week that they can't come to our wedding b/c we are having it at the beach. They feel it will be too much stress on his mother b/c she is sensitive to smell (mainly fragrances) and she is currently having some health issues. The wedding is 6 months away we both feel that her health could improve and for them to just out right say we aren't coming w/o even trying to considering the options we told them we could do is sad. We offered to get them their own beach house to avoid any fragrances or I have told guest already not to wear any perfumes. We have also offered to hire a driver to drive them down to the beach and back in the same day so they don't have to stay over night. But with every offer they come up with another excuse.
I guess my question is should I have consulted them before I choose a place to have the wedding and if they said they couldn't do a beach wedding should I taken that in to consideration. They told us that it was our day do what we want but know I feel like they are throwing that in our faces.
I"m trying to figure out if I did anything wrong or am being selfish.

HisGirlFriday13 · April 2014

aliciar876 said:

Question, my fiance's parents told us last week that they can't come to our wedding b/c we are having it at the beach. They feel it will be too much stress on his mother b/c she is sensitive to smell (mainly fragrances) and she is currently having some health issues. The wedding is 6 months away we both feel that her health could improve and for them to just out right say we aren't coming w/o even trying to considering the options we told them we could do is sad. We offered to get them their own beach house to avoid any fragrances or I have told guest already not to wear any perfumes. We have also offered to hire a driver to drive them down to the beach and back in the same day so they don't have to stay over night. But with every offer they come up with another excuse.
I guess my question is should I have consulted them before I choose a place to have the wedding and if they said they couldn't do a beach wedding should I taken that in to consideration. They told us that it was our day do what we want but know I feel like they are throwing that in our faces.
I"m trying to figure out if I did anything wrong or am being selfish.

The short answer is, yes, you're in the wrong.

You can't tell your guests what NOT to wear to your wedding. It's rude, and the odds are good that people will just forget. It's unlikely they'll maliciously wear anything with fragrance, but the reality is so much of what we use is fragranced -- shampoo, conditioner, face wash, deodorant, body lotion, etc. -- that it's very hard for people to be truly 'scent-free.'

Even if there's a good medical condition, like your FMIL's sensitivity, you just can't tell people, 'Don't wear fragrances to my wedding.'

Also, yes, you (and your FI) should have cleared the date and location with your VIPs (such as his parents) before you booked everything for your wedding. Although it's your wedding day, once you invite people, you have an obligation to host them properly. Usually that refers to the reception, but it also applies to the wedding -- having an outdoor wedding on the beach in July at noon, for example, is not very considerate of your guests. (I'm not saying you're doing that, I'm saying that's an example of how you need to consider your guests' comfort for your ceremony as well as your reception.)

It's the same reason we say you need a chair for every butt at the ceremony, that you shouldn't cram 350 people into a church that can only comfortably hold 300 people, that you shouldn't have it half-way up a mountain that's inaccessible except on foot because your guests shouldn't have to schlep 3/4 of a mile up the side of a hill. (The last two, btw, are real-life examples from weddings I have attended.)

Six months out gives you time to change your ceremony venue, so the question you need to answer is what's more important -- having a beach wedding or having your FI's parents there?

Maggie0829 · April 2014

I am not even going to touch the perfume/fragrance issue. That is a whole other debate to have at a later time.

But my question for you is, what is your FI's feelings on the fact that his parents are not coming to the wedding? To me your FILs are VIPs and should have really been consulted before you chose a location for your wedding.

littlemushroom · April 2014

I am not sure what the venue has to do with her sensitivity to fragrances. She will have that problem in ANY venue you choose. It would also be worse in a confined space (i.e. indoors anywhere). My dad has the same issue with fragrances, and he avoids most indoor gatherings whenever possible. He is elated that my ceremony is outside because the fresh air and even a slight breeze means the scents dissipate much faster and he isn't caught in a "cloud" of scent.

It sounds like the issue is more about her other health issues and travelling so far. However, that is something you and your FI need to find out. Perhaps she is worse off than they are saying because they don't want to derail wedding plans, even if it means they cannot attend.

aliciar876 · April 2014

My FI didn't tell me that he's mom told him that they may not be able to come to a beach wedding b/c he didn't want me to be pressured in to choosing a place I may not want the wedding to be at and he thought his parents were just being difficult about his mom's issues and they would come around. He never thought they would say they weren't coming.

JCbride2015 · April 2014

I think you sound like you want to be considerate, but I also agree you're in the wrong here. Fi's parents should have been consulted about the date and location if it was so important for them to be there.

And I'm firmly in the camp that it is neither polite nor practical to ask guests not to wear perfume or other fragrance. We've had that debate on the Etiquette board before so let's not rehash it here. If you want to read, do a search on the Etiquette board-- I think it was titled "boldly fragrance-free" or something like that.

As for what you do from here-- what does Fi think? You still have time to change the venue, but if they won't come regardless of where it is (and I agree a beach wedding doesn't sound so bad for somebody with perfume sensitivity), he may have to realize his parents just won't be there.

Maggie0829 · April 2014

My FI didn't tell me that he's mom told him that they may not be able to come to a beach wedding b/c he didn't want me to be pressured in to choosing a place I may not want the wedding to be at and he thought his parents were just being difficult about his mom's issues and they would come around. He never thought they would say they weren't coming.

So your FI decided not to tell you a pertinent piece of information so that you could make a more considerate choice?

This sounds like a cluster. But like a PP said, your FMIL will have sensitivity issues with fragrances at any venue, not just at the beach.

But now that your FI knows that his parents are unwilling to come based on the location, that he knew was going to be a problem but decided to ignore, what does he want to do?

JCbride2015 · April 2014

aliciar876 said:

My FI didn't tell me that he's mom told him that they may not be able to come to a beach wedding b/c he didn't want me to be pressured in to choosing a place I may not want the wedding to be at and he thought his parents were just being difficult about his mom's issues and they would come around. He never thought they would say they weren't coming.

Didn't see this before my above post. Ummm..... that was a terrible idea on your Fi's part. Honestly that's a flag (maybe not red, maybe yellow?) that he wants to "protect"/infantilize you and thinks you can't or shouldn't make tough decisions. And it shows he doesn't really trust his parents or believe in his mom's health issues. This is a HUGE problem, perhaps in how he views women and definitely in how he communicates.

You need to have a talk with Fi that he can't keep information like this from you.

And honestly? He made his bed and created this problem. He needs to either lie in it, or do the legwork to find another venue. This shouldn't be your problem.

aliciar876 · April 2014

The wedding is going to be very small just close family and friends guest list is 28 people. We have talked and talked to his parents again about the wedding and My FI is firm is keeping the wedding at the beach. He feels his parents are being difficult and that they could attend just not willing to give in to our suggestions and Ideas.
I'm at a lose as to what to do. Yes I've always wanted a wedding at the beach, and never thought this issue would come up. I've racked my brain trying to come up with a compromise and feel like I've done my best and trying to meet his parents half way but they aren't giving in. I've had people tell me his mom is just being manipulative and if I give in now about my wedding that just sets me up for being manipulated for years to come and lets her know that I'll back down and let her get her way. I understand the fact that they should have been consulted and we did talk to them about were we were thinking about having the wedding. They knew it was going to be outside and knew it was either going to be at the mountains or at the beach and they con't to say Its your day do what you want. ... I just dont know what I should do know

HisGirlFriday13 · April 2014

Wait...your FI didn't tell you what his parents had said about this? That's....interesting.

That certainly raises some other issues. It sounds like he thought they were just being difficult (and we don't know your FILs, so that might be a legitimate concern), and maybe he wants to call their bluffs, but it was a terrible idea on his part. He should have said to you, 'My parents are saying that if it's at the beach, they won't come, but I think they're just being difficult, so let's not take that into consideration.'

Are your FILs frequently difficult or demanding in an effort to get their own way? Is this a pattern?

Maggie0829 · April 2014

aliciar876 said:

The wedding is going to be very small just close family and friends guest list is 28 people. We have talked and talked to his parents again about the wedding and My FI is firm is keeping the wedding at the beach. He feels his parents are being difficult and that they could attend just not willing to give in to our suggestions and Ideas.
I'm at a lose as to what to do. Yes I've always wanted a wedding at the beach, and never thought this issue would come up. I've racked my brain trying to come up with a compromise and feel like I've done my best and trying to meet his parents half way but they aren't giving in. I've had people tell me his mom is just being manipulative and if I give in now about my wedding that just sets me up for being manipulated for years to come and lets her know that I'll back down and let her get her way. I understand the fact that they should have been consulted and we did talk to them about were we were thinking about having the wedding. They knew it was going to be outside and knew it was either going to be at the mountains or at the beach and they con't to say Its your day do what you want. ... I just dont know what I should do know

I honestly, do not think that you are the one in the wrong. The one in the wrong is your FI. It sounds like he has issues with his parents and you are kind of being thrown into the middle of it all which is not okay.

At this point I would be focusing more on the fact that your FI with held information from you because he doesn't think that you can handle making difficult decisions. And your FI needs to figure out whatever shit he has going on with his parents.

I would not listen to others about your FILs. I really think there is an issue between FI and his parents which is why they are making things difficult. They aren't trying to manipulate you, but rather make a point with their son.

HisGirlFriday13 · April 2014

aliciar876 said:

The wedding is going to be very small just close family and friends guest list is 28 people. We have talked and talked to his parents again about the wedding and My FI is firm is keeping the wedding at the beach. He feels his parents are being difficult and that they could attend just not willing to give in to our suggestions and Ideas.
I'm at a lose as to what to do. Yes I've always wanted a wedding at the beach, and never thought this issue would come up. I've racked my brain trying to come up with a compromise and feel like I've done my best and trying to meet his parents half way but they aren't giving in. I've had people tell me his mom is just being manipulative and if I give in now about my wedding that just sets me up for being manipulated for years to come and lets her know that I'll back down and let her get her way. I understand the fact that they should have been consulted and we did talk to them about were we were thinking about having the wedding. They knew it was going to be outside and knew it was either going to be at the mountains or at the beach and they con't to say Its your day do what you want. ... I just dont know what I should do know

In light of the new information, I don't think you're in the wrong, I do think your FI is in the wrong for not telling you, and it does sound like his parents are trying to manipulate you.

Call their bluff. Say, 'Oh, well, we're terribly sorry you won't be there, but we'll be sure to take lots of photos, and we'll show them to you later!'

doeydo · April 2014

Are her health issues/concerns about the beach wedding just because of the scents (which doesn't make sense to me because that would be an issue at any venue and I would think an outdoor one would be better anyways) or does she have other health issues? For example, my Grandparents live on a beach front property. It's great, and my Grandma used to go down to the beach all the time. But as her mobility has declined, she is not able to walk down the stone walkway to the beach (no railing, she might trip, uneven walkway, etc.). Also, I couldn't imagine my FI's Aunt G. walking through the sand with her cane (she has a host of health problems). Or are they very uncomfortable for long drives? My FI`s dad has back problems and has good days and bad days. He has missed family gatherings and other things because he was unable to sit in the car for so long.

aliciar876 · April 2014

Me and my FI have spoken and he's promised not to with hold anything else from me again. He didn't think his mother was being serious and that we could come up with a solution. His parents have been challenging for me from the beginning. Not to bring up the smell issues gain but I couldn't meet his mother for almost 5 months after we started dating b/c I had to stop using fragrances and change what I washed my cloths in so that when I went around her I wouldn't "smell" But I did that b/c I loved her son (though I really had to think hard about it at first) So i'm bent over backwards to make sure I could be around them. I know my FI and his parents might have underlining issues. But I guess I'm trying to figure out if i should change the wedding location just to suit them or keep as is. (he's willing to keep as is but I fear or worry he will be sad on the wedding day bc they aren't there) but will I have hard feelings towards his parents if I change the locations. I'm seriously thinking about just eloping lol

AprilH81 · April 2014

aliciar876 said:

Me and my FI have spoken and he's promised not to with hold anything else from me again. He didn't think his mother was being serious and that we could come up with a solution. His parents have been challenging for me from the beginning. Not to bring up the smell issues gain but I couldn't meet his mother for almost 5 months after we started dating b/c I had to stop using fragrances and change what I washed my cloths in so that when I went around her I wouldn't "smell" But I did that b/c I loved her son (though I really had to think hard about it at first) So i'm bent over backwards to make sure I could be around them. I know my FI and his parents might have underlining issues. But I guess I'm trying to figure out if i should change the wedding location just to suit them or keep as is. (he's willing to keep as is but I fear or worry he will be sad on the wedding day bc they aren't there) but will I have hard feelings towards his parents if I change the locations. I'm seriously thinking about just eloping lol

If the ONLY objection to the beach is that "it smells" then there isn't a strong reason to change venues to accomodate FILs unless you both want to make sure they are there because any venue will "smell". I would think (like PP stated) that the breeze and fresh air would help make it easier for her.

You and FI need to have a talk with them and try to get to the bottom of this. Do they really just want you to get married in a church? In their hometown? Invite their friends? Is the drive to far?

Maggie0829 · April 2014

aliciar876 said:

Me and my FI have spoken and he's promised not to with hold anything else from me again. He didn't think his mother was being serious and that we could come up with a solution. His parents have been challenging for me from the beginning. Not to bring up the smell issues gain but I couldn't meet his mother for almost 5 months after we started dating b/c I had to stop using fragrances and change what I washed my cloths in so that when I went around her I wouldn't "smell" But I did that b/c I loved her son (though I really had to think hard about it at first) So i'm bent over backwards to make sure I could be around them. I know my FI and his parents might have underlining issues. But I guess I'm trying to figure out if i should change the wedding location just to suit them or keep as is. (he's willing to keep as is but I fear or worry he will be sad on the wedding day bc they aren't there) but will I have hard feelings towards his parents if I change the locations. I'm seriously thinking about just eloping lol

Then that is your FI issue to deal with. At this point you have planned things and have tried to work out compromises with the information that you were provided. If I were you I would be pissed at your FI, not just upset with his parents. Your FI made this a difficult situation for you, not his parents.

JCbride2015 · April 2014

aliciar876 said:

Me and my FI have spoken and he's promised not to with hold anything else from me again. He didn't think his mother was being serious and that we could come up with a solution. His parents have been challenging for me from the beginning. Not to bring up the smell issues gain but I couldn't meet his mother for almost 5 months after we started dating b/c I had to stop using fragrances and change what I washed my cloths in so that when I went around her I wouldn't "smell" But I did that b/c I loved her son (though I really had to think hard about it at first) So i'm bent over backwards to make sure I could be around them. I know my FI and his parents might have underlining issues. But I guess I'm trying to figure out if i should change the wedding location just to suit them or keep as is. (he's willing to keep as is but I fear or worry he will be sad on the wedding day bc they aren't there) but will I have hard feelings towards his parents if I change the locations. I'm seriously thinking about just eloping lol

Well, you and Fi just need to have a hard conversation about how much rigamarole you're both willing to go through for his parents. If Fi is telling you he's okay with leaving the venue as is, I'd just leave it as is. In the interest of not withholding information, just make sure he's being very honest about how upset he'd be if his parents aren't there. It sounds like right now, this is not a dealbreaker for him.

theartistformerlyknownas · April 2014

Very strange. I definitely agree that FI is in the wrong here... he should have given you all the information so you could make an informed decision together.

Is she worried about beach-specific smells, perhaps, rather than perfumes being the issue? The fishy/seaweedy smell? I know that makes some people queasy. Otherwise they may be coming up with excuses... perhaps because they're upset about not being fully consulted before you made your choice. Still, not on you.

I'm sorry you ended up in this situation.

HisGirlFriday13 · April 2014

aliciar876 said:

Me and my FI have spoken and he's promised not to with hold anything else from me again. He didn't think his mother was being serious and that we could come up with a solution. His parents have been challenging for me from the beginning. Not to bring up the smell issues gain but I couldn't meet his mother for almost 5 months after we started dating b/c I had to stop using fragrances and change what I washed my cloths in so that when I went around her I wouldn't "smell" But I did that b/c I loved her son (though I really had to think hard about it at first) So i'm bent over backwards to make sure I could be around them. I know my FI and his parents might have underlining issues. But I guess I'm trying to figure out if i should change the wedding location just to suit them or keep as is. (he's willing to keep as is but I fear or worry he will be sad on the wedding day bc they aren't there) but will I have hard feelings towards his parents if I change the locations. I'm seriously thinking about just eloping lol

The more you post about your FILs, the more I agree with people in your real life who are telling you she's doing this to be manipulative. I would stand firm in your plans.

As for the second bold -- ASK your FI if he's really OK with his parents missing your wedding. You guys already had one break-down in communication; don't have another now.

mbross3 · April 2014

I do not think you were in the wrong. Any issue with your FILs should really be dealt with through your FI and he didn't tell you the full story. That's on him.

However, if you FMIL is as sensitive to scents are your posts suggest, I wonder how she is able to function in the world at all. If it's that big an issue, I can't even begin to imagine a venue that would be able to accommodate her needs. I'm going to skip over the etiquette issue of asking people not to wear perfume/cologne, because obviously there are conflicting views. Even if you did ask people to not wear cologne/perfume, there is no way you would be able to stop them from washing their clothes in scented detergent, washing their hair with scented shampoo, etc. I mean it sounds like you had to go to absolute extremes just to meet your FMIL, you CANNOT expect that your guests will go to such lengths for your wedding.

I am with PP who have suggested that any indoor venue will be loads worse than an outdoor beach wedding. I would have an honest conversation with your FI and see how he feels about not having his parents there. That's tough, but honestly can any of you even come up with a venue that would work for FMIL? I'm sensing that even if you switched your venue, she would still be unable to attend.

aliciar876 · April 2014

My FI's mom does have high blood pressure (but I don't know if that is an actually diagnosis or if when she went to the Dr office this last time her blood pressure was just high) She does also have a thyroid issues. Those are the only health concerns that she has told me about. SHe has stated that at this time she doesn't feel like her body could handle a 3 1/2 hr car ride to the beach. Which I tried to explain or say that the wedding is 6 month away her health could def improve and we suggested hiring her a drive to drive a more comfortable car for her. But she didn't like that idea either.
I guess my mother has had 2 total knee replacements can't do stairs very well and is in constant chronic pain, but she hasn't complained or said anything once. She loves the idea of having the wedding at the beach even though its going to be difficult for her.

mbross3 · April 2014

I'm glad that your mother, despite her own health issues, will be able to make it. However, I think it is a very bad idea to start comparing your mom and you FMIL. They have different situations, leave it at that.

You need to let your FI decide how he wants to handle his parents. If it becomes clear that they wouldn't come to any venue, then don't change your current plans. However, if your FI really wants them there, and they are able to find a venue that would work for his mom, you should change your plans. This is about you and your FI and you both deserve to have your VIPs there.

I don't think that your current situation is your fault at all- I think your FI should be responsible for checking in with his family and he didn't handle that well. But I do think that if this is important to him, then you need to try to work around his parents.

larrygaga · April 2014

I didn't read through this very carefully, but the sensitivity to smell thing is a really dumb reason to not go to a wedding of your own child. There's something else there, and you guys need to talk about it.

Hisprinc3ss · April 2014

It's easy to say it's "dumb" but I know people like that. They can't wear perfume in their office buildings etc. Nevertheless, you already picked your venue and established other details it's a done deal! Don't feel guilty. Move on and enjoy your day. Just in case, save 2 empty seats.

zitiqueen · April 2014

mbross3 said:

I do not think you were in the wrong. Any issue with your FILs should really be dealt with through your FI and he didn't tell you the full story. That's on him.

However, if you FMIL is as sensitive to scents are your posts suggest, I wonder how she is able to function in the world at all. If it's that big an issue, I can't even begin to imagine a venue that would be able to accommodate her needs. I'm going to skip over the etiquette issue of asking people not to wear perfume/cologne, because obviously there are conflicting views. Even if you did ask people to not wear cologne/perfume, there is no way you would be able to stop them from washing their clothes in scented detergent, washing their hair with scented shampoo, etc. I mean it sounds like you had to go to absolute extremes just to meet your FMIL, you CANNOT expect that your guests will go to such lengths for your wedding.

I am with PP who have suggested that any indoor venue will be loads worse than an outdoor beach wedding. I would have an honest conversation with your FI and see how he feels about not having his parents there. That's tough, but honestly can any of you even come up with a venue that would work for FMIL? I'm sensing that even if you switched your venue, she would still be unable to attend.

I wonder about this as well. Does she just never ever leave her house, ever? The world is filled with scents and aromas and detergents and fabric softeners.

theartistformerlyknownas · April 2014

My old neighbor used to hunt me down to kvetch about fabric softener smell OUTSIDE coming from the dryer vents (wasn't even mine, but I wouldn't have changed it if it was). She also told me I cook with too much garlic. Sorry, maybe shouldn't live in adjoining condos if you're so sensitive. Crazy old bird.

SammiNJonni · April 2014

I do not know how she survives in the world if she is that sensitive to smell unless she never leaves her house. I would call her bluff since it does sound like she is just being difficult like your FI is saying.

zitiqueen · April 2014

Yeah, something tells me she put off meeting you for six months and used her sensitivity to scents as an excuse because she was hoping the relationship wouldn't last or she thinks nobody is good enough for her precious boy. It's time for somebody to call her on her shit instead of tip-toeing around her.

aliciar876 · April 2014

Thanks for all the advice... We did just confirm and put a deposit down on the beach house. I also found a perfect house for my mother in law to stay that allows pets and is fragance free house so if she doesn't like this place or has an issue with it, I've done all feel like I can do. So i'm call her bluff so here's hoping she changes her mind and comes.

princessleia22 · April 2014

I agree that FI should have told you ahead of time, but if he didn't want to stress you out or have that affect you getting your dream wedding, I can understand where he was coming from. And it sounds like he his willing to live with whatever happens, and that's really his choice at this point. He seems to think that you having your ideal wedding is more important than having his parents there. You seem to have done everything possible to make it easier on them and if they don't come, that's their choice. And they may not have come regardless of where you had the wedding if her sensitivities are that severe. I have some fragrance sensitivities also, so I can relate, but not that severe that it keeps me from going out. My big issue is laundry detergent and fabric softener. To me, it honestly smells like someone dumped a whole bottle of perfume on the clothes. Even walking past the laundry aisle at the grocery store is absolute torture for me (I usually make FI buy cleaning items so I don't need to actually go down that aisle). And it also will start making my eyes & nose itch if I'm around for more than a couple minutes. And if my neighbors are doing laundry with scented items, I can smell it all the way down the block and can't be outside. People wearing clothes washed in those items aren't too bad for me unless I'm close to them, like I couldn't have FI do it or sit next to someone in a car for long period of time. A lot of perfumes & colognes are bothersome too, but its same thing where I just can't be too close to it for too long. But, there are ways to limit it and it sounds like you have offered all possible options to help.

The one other suggestion I would have, if they really won't come, would be to look into live streaming video of the wedding over the internet. That way they can still watch it live and FI may feel better than they aren't completely missing out. It won't be the same as having them there, but it may be a reasonable compromise if they are unwilling to come.

Conflicted...Am I in the wrong?

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