What is your opinion on mail-order brides?

larrygaga · April 2014

http://mail-order-brides-websites.no1reviews.com/

I'm sure many people are against it. I feel as though they are mostly mutually beneficial relationships, but I don't know much about them. I was accused of being one today because I have a faint Russian accent. I never really thought about them before. Anyone care to educate me?

FiancB · April 2014

I'm pretty sure I've run across a couple and honestly as awful as it sounds, they seemed pretty happy. There are a million ways a marriage can be of convenience, not romantic but still mutually beneficial, etc.

But the idea of it bugs the hell out of me. Many men feel that American women are too independent and stubborn so they want, say, someone that's Asian that they think will be more demure. That is squicky to me for sure.

I have pretty lax feelings toward things like sex work so as long as the woman doesn't feel trapped or forced I guess I'm good with it, ultimately. But it's weird for sure. How did that conversation go down anyway???

larrygaga · April 2014

Basically a lady saw my e-ring and asked if I got my green card yet. $:\$ I told her I was born and raised here. I have an accent because I wasn't around English until I went to school.

I brush stuff like that off because I have thick Russian skin and also those people are too stupid to worry about.

I thought it was mostly lonely men who didn't have luck with anyone else, so bought themselves a bride. If they really feel that way, then there is a reason they are alone and have to buy a bride.

I am okay with sex work as long as it isn't forced or as a last resort. Unfortunately, it's often a last resort and I don't consider that a choice. I just wish we would legalize it so we could monitor diseases and safety.

I have only met one couple that was mail-order, and although you didn't see a lot of love, they were happy. There are a lot of marriages that are made out of convenience and not love, even between two Americans. They seem to work out okay.

monkeysip · April 2014

I'm pretty anti-sex work in all of its forms just because I don't feel like anyone's body should be for sale, so that's what turns me off from the mail-order bride thing. I'm not exactly sure how it works, but if it's just a commercial exchange, I find that demeaning to both the person and the idea of marriage.

At the same time, I'm not completely opposed to arranged marriages as long as the two parties are both willing to put in the work that kind of commitment takes. I think sometimes those marriages can be even happier and stronger than "normal" marriages.

Angusaur · April 2014

My old boss had a mail order bride. I'll be honest, I was being very judgey about it and how it's sad you have to basically pay someone to marry you and they only want you for their american citizenship anyways. I still am not sure that I don't feel this way.

But, they did end up turning out very happy. So I am happy for him.

One horror story that I know of is my moms ex-best friend. She had a very strange overbearing relationship with her man-child 35 year old son. She has money and wants him to know how to handle it when she passes, knowing he will probably run through it all in a year or so. So she decided a mail order bride would be a good idea. A few weeks of him making her hand feed him while he played video games, and clean up after his pig stye messes, she literally cried and begged his mom to be sent back. I really don't know anything else about the story but it is both funny and very sad at the same time. I don't think mail order brides work out perfectly for everyone.

chibiyui · April 2014

I'm okay with sex-work, as long as it's non-abusive/coercive. I don't have a problem with mail-order brides in theory, but am very judgey at the kind of man who would order one. Largely because I used to follow a pick-up artist's blog (It was like watching a train wreck, I was repulsed but too compelled to look away) and they would constantly talk about how American women were too stubborn, uppity, slutty, etc. and that Eastern European/Asian women were submissive/virginal/prettier/perfect.

I imagine actually meeting a real life woman from those areas must be shocking for those men when they in fact, have a backbone.

JCbride2015 · April 2014

I'm also not opposed to sex work when non-coercive, and I think certain situations of prostitution should be decriminalized. But I find the mail-order bride thing sort of sad for both parties. The woman obviously has such a tough situation in her native country that she is willing to sell herself to get to America. And the guy can't find anybody to marry him, despite his money.

CMGragain · April 2014

Arranged marriages have worked, or not worked, for centuries. Marrying for love is a very recent development. Modern marriages based on "true love" have as much of a failure rate as arranged marriages. It depends on the two people involved.
The big problem is that many of the ladies who are seeking an easy passport and citizenship into the USA through marriage are not sincerely in it for the long term. They divorce the man as soon as they become citizens. I am sure that some are sincere, but many are not. There is also the problem that a man who cannot find a partner here may have some issues with anger or abuse. It is a dangerous game.

FiancB · April 2014

larrygaga said:

Basically a lady saw my e-ring and asked if I got my green card yet. $:\$ I told her I was born and raised here. I have an accent because I wasn't around English until I went to school.

I brush stuff like that off because I have thick Russian skin and also those people are too stupid to worry about.

I thought it was mostly lonely men who didn't have luck with anyone else, so bought themselves a bride. If they really feel that way, then there is a reason they are alone and have to buy a bride.

I am okay with sex work as long as it isn't forced or as a last resort. Unfortunately, it's often a last resort and I don't consider that a choice. I just wish we would legalize it so we could monitor diseases and safety.

I have only met one couple that was mail-order, and although you didn't see a lot of love, they were happy. There are a lot of marriages that are made out of convenience and not love, even between two Americans. They seem to work out okay.

Jeeez. People make rude comments all the time but that just takes the cake. I mean wtf how can you stand yourself after blurting out something like that?

larrygaga · April 2014

Yeah, people don't think before they speak.

doeydo · April 2014

I find the mail-order bride thing really sad. But I guess I am glad for people when it does work out. As for prostitution/other stuff in the sex industry, I am perfectly fine with it as long as both parties are consenting and there is no abuse or something. However, the sad thing is that "85% of prostitute/clients reported history of sexual abuse in childhood" (Source: http://www.rapeis.org/activism/prostitution/prostitutionfacts.html). I am glad that I live in Canada and prostitution is legal and brothels are legal now too. It is sad that prostitutes in countries where it is illegal are often raped, assaulted, etc. by the johns or the pimps.

RebeccaB88 · April 2014

I used to work with a guy who I think is on Mail Order Bride #4. All the rest of them have taken off as soon as they get their green card firmly in hand (including the most recent one who actually legally married him before getting here). It took them 3 years to get her visa and green card, and he paid for all of it. He likes Asian girls, and he actually isn't really looking for a slave to take care of him, and he's not putting them in sex work. He's just kind of...desperate. And has really bad breath. And doesn't have a lot of money, ambition, or prospects. And he's gullible, so he thinks each new one will be The One. And then it happens again.

kmmssg · April 2014

Over my time in the military I knew 3 guys with mail order brides. 2 of them were from the Phillipines and one from Russia. All 3 guys were nice, but off the nerd/awkward chart by astonomical proportions.

One of them married his Phillipino wife for than 20 years ago. They had one daughter who was a stellar academic and they adored her. They are happily married. He was a shrewd stock market investor from his early 30's and they have their home in the US paid for and one they built 4-5 years ago in the Phillipines is paid off. They seem really happy together.

The other one with the Phillipino wife I haven't heard about for probably 6-7 years now. They seemed happy together and she did come here with the ambition of going to college to be a nurse. She graduated and they were together last I knew.

The guy who married the Russian bride - yeah that one didn't go so well. He came to a function with her on his arm and she was a bombshell. A headturning, uber skinny, gorgeous blonde, stilleto wearing bombshell. They didn't last long at all. Might have had something to with this guy being a bit of a jerk though.........the other two are pretty sweet guys.

emmyg65 · April 2014

I don't have a problem with it in principal. I believe consenting adults should be free to do anything that doesn't hurt other people. But in practice, there's a lot of room for exploitation and abuse.

JennyColada · April 2014

I honestly don't care what two consenting adults do together. The only issue, to me, might be fraud. But I'm kind of non-plussed about it.

Sonietsjka · April 2014

My biggest concern with mail order brides is inequality of the relationship. Of course that is not just reserved for mail order brides, I just think the chances of it happening are bigger.

On a personal (and I admit very selfish) note, it frustrates me that I have to go through the same awful, costly, and lengthy visa process as people who've met only a handful of times before their wedding, and brides who might not have had any education, or don't even speak English before moving to the US.

AuroraRose41 · April 2014

From my one experience with it, I can't say I agree. There was a guy that I went to college with who was just....odd. There is really no other way to describe him. He hit on every girl in the engineering department, and would always end up offending them or just being creepy. For example, the way he hit on me was by walking up to me, standing very close (less than 6 inches), and asking me if I wore contacts because "Your eyes are so defined.". When I basically told him to get out of my personal bubble and to please leave me alone, he started going around saying to others that I can't really be a girl because I didn't like him (yea...did I mention he was also very self centered?). He would also wear a BDSM dog collar in public, every single day. Needless to say, this guy barely had any friends, let alone a girlfriend.

Then, right before graduation, friends of mine showed me that he had changed his Facebook status to being engaged to a woman from the Phillipines. We were all flabbergasted, and thought it might be a lie. But sure enough, right after graduation, wedding pics showed up on Facebook. We are all pretty sure this was a mail order bride, because nothing else makes any sense knowing how this guy is. I hope that they are both happy, but I do feel really sorry for her.

MyNameIsNot · April 2014

There was a story in my city last year about one of these couples. The husband killed the bride. It turned out that she'd been with him for a few years, and he was crazy physically abusive, like to the extent of torture. She tried to go home, but she couldn't, I think for financial reasons. It turned out that she was his third bride; the first two had left him but were too scared to report him.

I know that's a single incident, but it's so extreme that I can't look at it without bias. The inequality plus the mindset is just a recipe for disaster, IMHO.

NavyBlue143 · April 2014

y good friend was a mail order bride from Russia. She came here, went to Seminary school, and is now a Sheriff's Deputy. Her husband is super nice, just not much to look at and not very wealthy, but a great guy whom everyone adores. She's a lesbian and lives with her partner now. They won't divorce until Texas legalizes same sex unions. They are great friends and do a lot together, she just isn't into guys. And he's okay with that, she was a good wife to him but now he's older and just wants companionship, which she still provides.

I realize this is not the norm, but it did alter my perspective on the subject

What is your opinion on mail-order brides?

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