I fell into the trap....

hlvonb · April 2014

.... of the "it won't happen to me" way of thinking. But it did and it didn't take long either.

I mailed out our wedding invitations 2 nights ago after work. I have received a couple messages today from people who have already got them saying thank you for the invite or how pretty they are, etc.

Well one person messaged me saying they got the invite and that their significant other (boyfriend) would be attending too. They didn't ask if that would be okay. They just said their boyfriend is coming. Ummm the invite was to you only.... (this person is a friend of the family who is a "vendor" for lack of a better word and payment was going to be a check (not too big of one) and coming to the reception).

I also didn't know this person had a boyfriend....

EDITED TO ADD THE FOLLOWING:

I should have been more clear. She is a vendor - ceremony musician. I mailed an invite so she could have a copy of it for the date and address (per her request) which I didn't mind since I had extras anyway.

If she wasn't the musician, she wouldn't have been invited.

huskypuppy14 · April 2014

What type of work is this friend doing for you?

JCbride2015 · April 2014

It seems unclear whether this person is really coming as a vendor or as a friend. A strict vendor would not get an actual invitation. Mailing a real invitation seems like they are invited more as a friend, thus should have had the SO invited with them.

grumbledore · April 2014

.... of the "it won't happen to me" way of thinking. But it did and it didn't take long either.

I mailed out our wedding invitations 2 nights ago after work. I have received a couple messages today from people who have already got them saying thank you for the invite or how pretty they are, etc.

Well one person messaged me saying they got the invite and that their significant other (boyfriend) would be attending too. They didn't ask if that would be okay. They just said their boyfriend is coming. Ummm the invite was to you only.... (this person is a friend of the family who is a "vendor" for lack of a better word and payment was going to be a check (not too big of one) and coming to the reception).

I also didn't know this person had a boyfriend....

Whether you knew or not is irrelevant. And you have been here long enough to know that. so shame on you. You sent her an invite, she's a guest, not a vendor. Invite the boyfriend. You should have done your homework.

theartistformerlyknownas · April 2014

On my phone this subject line was truncated to "I fell into the tra-" and I hoped it would be someone falling into the trash can. I'm kinda bummed now.

lyndausvi · April 2014

You have never lurked on the Etiquette board have you?

hlvonb · April 2014

laurynm84 said:

What type of work is this friend doing for you?

@laurynm84

She is our ceremony musician.

I guess I don't really have an issue with him coming. I was more caught off guard since I wasn't aware she was in a relationship and shocked that she didn't ask

hlvonb · April 2014

JCBride2014 said:

It seems unclear whether this person is really coming as a vendor or as a friend. A strict vendor would not get an actual invitation. Mailing a real invitation seems like they are invited more as a friend, thus should have had the SO invited with them.

@JCBride2014

Ah yes. I should have been more clear. She is a vendor - ceremony musician. I mailed an invite so she could have a copy of it for the date and address (per her request) which I didn't mind since I had extras anyway.

hlvonb · April 2014

grumbledore said:

.... of the "it won't happen to me" way of thinking. But it did and it didn't take long either.

I mailed out our wedding invitations 2 nights ago after work. I have received a couple messages today from people who have already got them saying thank you for the invite or how pretty they are, etc.

Well one person messaged me saying they got the invite and that their significant other (boyfriend) would be attending too. They didn't ask if that would be okay. They just said their boyfriend is coming. Ummm the invite was to you only.... (this person is a friend of the family who is a "vendor" for lack of a better word and payment was going to be a check (not too big of one) and coming to the reception).

I also didn't know this person had a boyfriend....
Whether you knew or not is irrelevant. And you have been here long enough to know that. so shame on you. You sent her an invite, she's a guest, not a vendor. Invite the boyfriend. You should have done your homework.

@grumbledore

Like I said to another person..

I should have been more clear. She is a vendor - ceremony musician. I mailed an invite so she could have a copy of it for the date and address (per her request) which I didn't mind since I had extras anyway.

If she wasn't the musician, she wouldn't have been invited.

Quote · Love i

hlvonb · April 2014

lyndausvi said:

You have never lurked on the Etiquette board have you?

@lyndausvi

Yes I have.

I should have been more clear. She is a vendor - ceremony musician. I mailed an invite so she could have a copy of it for the date and address (per her request) which I didn't mind since I had extras anyway.

If she wasn't the musician, she wouldn't have been invited.

RebeccaB88 · April 2014

But vendors don't receive invitations. It kind of sounds like she was trying to wrangle an invitation for her boyfriend so she wouldn't have to go to the reception alone, but generally, ceremony vendors don't get to go to the reception as guests. They don't go at all. So you kinda muddied things by sending the invitation - she's become a guest because you've now sent her an invitation. And if she's invited, then her boyfriend should be too.

You said if she wasn't a vendor, she wouldn't have been invited. You should have kept her at a vendor, paid her for her services, and left it at that. Offering her the reception meal changed the game completely. She's a guest now.

Very crafty of her. I'm impressed.

hlvonb · April 2014

RebeccaB88 said:

But vendors don't receive invitations. It kind of sounds like she was trying to wrangle an invitation for her boyfriend so she wouldn't have to go to the reception alone, but generally, ceremony vendors don't get to go to the reception as guests. They don't go at all. So you kinda muddied things by sending the invitation - she's become a guest because you've now sent her an invitation. And if she's invited, then her boyfriend should be too.

You said if she wasn't a vendor, she wouldn't have been invited. You should have kept her at a vendor, paid her for her services, and left it at that. Offering her the reception meal changed the game completely. She's a guest now.

Very crafty of her. I'm impressed.

I suppose that makes sense. And honestly we do have the room for 1 more person and there are worse things that could happen I suppose. (I have had some wine so I am in a good mood haha).

HisGirlFriday13 · April 2014

hlvonb said:

.... of the "it won't happen to me" way of thinking. But it did and it didn't take long either.

I mailed out our wedding invitations 2 nights ago after work. I have received a couple messages today from people who have already got them saying thank you for the invite or how pretty they are, etc.

Well one person messaged me saying they got the invite and that their significant other (boyfriend) would be attending too. They didn't ask if that would be okay. They just said their boyfriend is coming. Ummm the invite was to you only.... (this person is a friend of the family who is a "vendor" for lack of a better word and payment was going to be a check (not too big of one) and coming to the reception).

I also didn't know this person had a boyfriend....

EDITED TO ADD THE FOLLOWING:

I should have been more clear. She is a vendor - ceremony musician. I mailed an invite so she could have a copy of it for the date and address (per her request) which I didn't mind since I had extras anyway.

If she wasn't the musician, she wouldn't have been invited.

*SITB*
I'm confused. Either she's wholly a vendor -- i.e., you're paying her a going rate for her services -- or she's wholly a guest -- i.e., you're inviting her and her SO to your reception.
If she's a family friend AND you invited her to the reception, I can see where her confusion comes in -- she thinks you're inviting her as a guest, so of course her BF is invited, too.
This isn't on her, this is on you -- when you invited her to the reception, you blurred the line between vendor and guest.
Also, since you're saying you're giving her 'not too big of' a cheque but her payment is coming to your reception, I do see where she thinks she's a guest.

huskypuppy14 · April 2014

Ok, I understand where the confusion happened. It's kind of a grey area. However, the ceremony musicians job is over by the reception, so you invited her as a guest to the reception, therefore her boyfriend should be included.

If you invited your officiant to the reception, their SO should be invited also. Your DJ and photographer do not have to be invited with a guest because they are working during the reception.

abbyj700 · April 2014

Everything PP said. We will most likely be having a ceremony musician who we know personally - they will recieve no invitation, they are not invited to our wedding. They are being paid to perform a service. Period.

Our DJ and Photographer are friend/family respectively. Regardless of them doing work for us the day of - they are invited and would be even if they did not have interest in doing a job at the wedding. They get an invite.

You muddied the waters. You invited her as a guest even if that was not your intent. And she responded accordingly.

phira · April 2014

What I'm confused about is that it sounds like she asked for an invitation so she'd know when the wedding was. Can you clarify how that went down?

hlvonb · April 2014

HisGirlFriday13 said:

hlvonb said:

.... of the "it won't happen to me" way of thinking. But it did and it didn't take long either.

I mailed out our wedding invitations 2 nights ago after work. I have received a couple messages today from people who have already got them saying thank you for the invite or how pretty they are, etc.

Well one person messaged me saying they got the invite and that their significant other (boyfriend) would be attending too. They didn't ask if that would be okay. They just said their boyfriend is coming. Ummm the invite was to you only.... (this person is a friend of the family who is a "vendor" for lack of a better word and payment was going to be a check (not too big of one) and coming to the reception).

I also didn't know this person had a boyfriend....

EDITED TO ADD THE FOLLOWING:

I should have been more clear. She is a vendor - ceremony musician. I mailed an invite so she could have a copy of it for the date and address (per her request) which I didn't mind since I had extras anyway.

If she wasn't the musician, she wouldn't have been invited.

*SITB*
I'm confused. Either she's wholly a vendor -- i.e., you're paying her a going rate for her services -- or she's wholly a guest -- i.e., you're inviting her and her SO to your reception.
If she's a family friend AND you invited her to the reception, I can see where her confusion comes in -- she thinks you're inviting her as a guest, so of course her BF is invited, too.
This isn't on her, this is on you -- when you invited her to the reception, you blurred the line between vendor and guest.
Also, since you're saying you're giving her 'not too big of' a cheque but her payment is coming to your reception, I do see where she thinks she's a guest.

@HisGirlFriday13

You're right. I can see where the confusion would come in. And honestly, I can accommodate another person - no problem. Oh well. Lesson learned.

hlvonb · April 2014

laurynm84 said:

Ok, I understand where the confusion happened. It's kind of a grey area. However, the ceremony musicians job is over by the reception, so you invited her as a guest to the reception, therefore her boyfriend should be included.

If you invited your officiant to the reception, their SO should be invited also. Your DJ and photographer do not have to be invited with a guest because they are working during the reception.

@laurynm84

Yeah that makes sense. I guess I overlooked that part of it. Lesson learned and at least she's only bringing the boyfriend with and not wanting to bring her entire family or a bunch of friends

hlvonb · April 2014

phira said:

What I'm confused about is that it sounds like she asked for an invitation so she'd know when the wedding was. Can you clarify how that went down?

@phira

Yes. We were communicating via messages and she kept forgetting the date / location. She asked if we had any extra invitations so she could have a copy of the date and location and she would put it on her fridge. We had extra so I gave her one. I didn't really think anything of it.

phira · April 2014

hlvonb said:

phira said:

What I'm confused about is that it sounds like she asked for an invitation so she'd know when the wedding was. Can you clarify how that went down?

@phira

Yes. We were communicating via messages and she kept forgetting the date / location. She asked if we had any extra invitations so she could have a copy of the date and location and she would put it on her fridge. We had extra so I gave her one. I didn't really think anything of it.

Okay. So I think that since part of "payment" was an invitation to the reception, I'd just let her bring her boyfriend.

hlvonb · April 2014

phira said:

hlvonb said:

phira said:

What I'm confused about is that it sounds like she asked for an invitation so she'd know when the wedding was. Can you clarify how that went down?

@phira

Yes. We were communicating via messages and she kept forgetting the date / location. She asked if we had any extra invitations so she could have a copy of the date and location and she would put it on her fridge. We had extra so I gave her one. I didn't really think anything of it.

Okay. So I think that since part of "payment" was an invitation to the reception, I'd just let her bring her boyfriend.

@phira

I am letting her bring him. I just wish I would have known she had one so I would not have been caught off guard.

APDSS22 · April 2014

If she asked for an invitation, I don't know why she now thinks she's an invited guest to the whole thing and should therefore be bringing her significant other. I'm glad you have room to add her addition and wine has deleted any bridezilla tendencies OP that really does seem like the easiest solution.

I fell into the trap....

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