NER: How would you handle this?

SoontobeMrsNytes · April 2014

I know this isn't etiquette related, but I've come to appreciate the honesty (albeit sometimes brutal honesty) from the ladies on this board. My RSVP deadline was April 15. I still haven't gotten a response from my brother and SIL, so I asked my Dad to follow up with him. My Dad tells me today my brother said he doesn't know if he's going to make it to my wedding because he was planning on going to his 20 year high school reunion, out of state and happens to be the same weekend. I'm really hurt my brother would even consider choosing a high school reunion over my wedding. I want to reach out to him, but to say what? Hurt and confused...

Northrend · April 2014

How close are you to your brother? Are there any issues with SIL?

AlexisA01 · April 2014

I do not blame you for feelings of hurt. That is your brother you would figure he would want to be at sister's wedding. Give your brother a call and talk to him.

AddieCake · April 2014

Why did you not already call him yourself? Why did you ask your father to do it?

doeydo · April 2014

Why did you ask your dad to follow up about the RSVP from your brother? Are you and your brother close at all? Did you check with your VIPs before you booked the date of your wedding? How far ahead of time did you tell your friends and family about your wedding date?
TBH, it would hurt me if either of my sisters would rather go to another event than my wedding.

Simply Fated · April 2014

AddieCake said:
Why did you not already call him yourself? Why did you ask your father to do it?

This is exactly what I was going to ask.

Is there info missing you aren't telling us? Did you two have a fight, falling out, or do you usually just communicate through your parents?

Or is your dad paying/hosting and so you thought he should be the one to call?

pinkshorts27 · April 2014

And did you not check with VIPs before setting a date?

My brother and I are really close, I could never imagine he would skip my wedding for a high school reunion. If he is close to those people he would see them outside the reunion.

NYCMercedes · April 2014

Call your brother. Maybe he's got his nose out of joint about some perceived slight regarding your wedding. This is an opportunity for you.

SoontobeMrsNytes · April 2014

My brother and I used to be really close. After he married my SIL, things changed, and now I only see him at holidays and family birthdays. My SIL and I have always been polite, but we've never really liked each other. I have tried to reach out to my brother several times to try to bridge this gap, but rarely get anything back from him.

I attempted to talk to him several times before we booked the date, but never got a response from him. I tried calling, texting, emailing, and never got a response. So, we went ahead and booked the date. That was over a year ago. We sent STD's in September. The invitations were not the first he knew of the wedding.

I tried calling and texting him myself to follow up on the rsvp, but had not heard back from him. I know he's in more regular contact with my Dad than anyone else in the family, so I asked him to try to talk to him. No, my Dad is not hosting my wedding. My FI and I are paying for it ourselves.

If roles were reversed, it wouldn't even be a question for me. There is not another event that would be more important than my brother's wedding. I talked to my FI about all of this last night, and told him if my brother really doesn't come I think that's my sign, and I should give up on the relationship. He's right though, and I really don't want the next time I see or talk to my brother to be at my parent's funerals. But, what do I do?

HisGirlFriday13 · April 2014

SoontobeMrsNytes said:

My brother and I used to be really close. After he married my SIL, things changed, and now I only see him at holidays and family birthdays. My SIL and I have always been polite, but we've never really liked each other. I have tried to reach out to my brother several times to try to bridge this gap, but rarely get anything back from him.

I attempted to talk to him several times before we booked the date, but never got a response from him. I tried calling, texting, emailing, and never got a response. So, we went ahead and booked the date. That was over a year ago. We sent STD's in September. The invitations were not the first he knew of the wedding.

I tried calling and texting him myself to follow up on the rsvp, but had not heard back from him. I know he's in more regular contact with my Dad than anyone else in the family, so I asked him to try to talk to him. No, my Dad is not hosting my wedding. My FI and I are paying for it ourselves.

If roles were reversed, it wouldn't even be a question for me. There is not another event that would be more important than my brother's wedding. I talked to my FI about all of this last night, and told him if my brother really doesn't come I think that's my sign, and I should give up on the relationship. He's right though, and I really don't want the next time I see or talk to my brother to be at my parent's funerals. But, what do I do?

Essentially, nothing. You tried, multiple times, to reach out to your brother before you set your date. He didn't get back to you.

Your father reached out to him and was told your brother might or might not be there, depending on his HS reunion plans. At this point, all that's left for you to do is send him an e-mail telling him you hope he'll be able to make it, and you're looking forward to seeing him, and put the ball in his court.

If he doesn't come, it's not because of you or anything you did -- it's a choice he made. I'm sorry he's being like this, because I'm sure it hurts, a lot, but there's nothing you can do to change the way he's acting.

cowgirl8238 · April 2014

HisGirlFriday13 said:

SoontobeMrsNytes said:

My brother and I used to be really close. After he married my SIL, things changed, and now I only see him at holidays and family birthdays. My SIL and I have always been polite, but we've never really liked each other. I have tried to reach out to my brother several times to try to bridge this gap, but rarely get anything back from him.

I attempted to talk to him several times before we booked the date, but never got a response from him. I tried calling, texting, emailing, and never got a response. So, we went ahead and booked the date. That was over a year ago. We sent STD's in September. The invitations were not the first he knew of the wedding.

I tried calling and texting him myself to follow up on the rsvp, but had not heard back from him. I know he's in more regular contact with my Dad than anyone else in the family, so I asked him to try to talk to him. No, my Dad is not hosting my wedding. My FI and I are paying for it ourselves.

If roles were reversed, it wouldn't even be a question for me. There is not another event that would be more important than my brother's wedding. I talked to my FI about all of this last night, and told him if my brother really doesn't come I think that's my sign, and I should give up on the relationship. He's right though, and I really don't want the next time I see or talk to my brother to be at my parent's funerals. But, what do I do?

Essentially, nothing. You tried, multiple times, to reach out to your brother before you set your date. He didn't get back to you.

Your father reached out to him and was told your brother might or might not be there, depending on his HS reunion plans. At this point, all that's left for you to do is send him an e-mail telling him you hope he'll be able to make it, and you're looking forward to seeing him, and put the ball in his court.

If he doesn't come, it's not because of you or anything you did -- it's a choice he made. I'm sorry he's being like this, because I'm sure it hurts, a lot, but there's nothing you can do to change the way he's acting.

As always, I think HisGirl is right on with this one. I couldn't have said it better myself. All I can add is that I'm sorry your brother is being like this. It's sad, but unfortunatly there is nothing you can do right now.

[Deleted User] · April 2014

HisGirlFriday13 said:

SoontobeMrsNytes said:

My brother and I used to be really close. After he married my SIL, things changed, and now I only see him at holidays and family birthdays. My SIL and I have always been polite, but we've never really liked each other. I have tried to reach out to my brother several times to try to bridge this gap, but rarely get anything back from him.

I attempted to talk to him several times before we booked the date, but never got a response from him. I tried calling, texting, emailing, and never got a response. So, we went ahead and booked the date. That was over a year ago. We sent STD's in September. The invitations were not the first he knew of the wedding.

I tried calling and texting him myself to follow up on the rsvp, but had not heard back from him. I know he's in more regular contact with my Dad than anyone else in the family, so I asked him to try to talk to him. No, my Dad is not hosting my wedding. My FI and I are paying for it ourselves.

If roles were reversed, it wouldn't even be a question for me. There is not another event that would be more important than my brother's wedding. I talked to my FI about all of this last night, and told him if my brother really doesn't come I think that's my sign, and I should give up on the relationship. He's right though, and I really don't want the next time I see or talk to my brother to be at my parent's funerals. But, what do I do?

Essentially, nothing. You tried, multiple times, to reach out to your brother before you set your date. He didn't get back to you.

Your father reached out to him and was told your brother might or might not be there, depending on his HS reunion plans. At this point, all that's left for you to do is send him an e-mail telling him you hope he'll be able to make it, and you're looking forward to seeing him, and put the ball in his court.

If he doesn't come, it's not because of you or anything you did -- it's a choice he made. I'm sorry he's being like this, because I'm sure it hurts, a lot, but there's nothing you can do to change the way he's acting.

SITB-

ALL of this- you have made every effort and I'm so sorry that your brother is acting like this, but from what you've told us, there's not much else to do.

SoontobeMrsNytes · April 2014

HisGirlFriday13 said:

SoontobeMrsNytes said:

My brother and I used to be really close. After he married my SIL, things changed, and now I only see him at holidays and family birthdays. My SIL and I have always been polite, but we've never really liked each other. I have tried to reach out to my brother several times to try to bridge this gap, but rarely get anything back from him.

I attempted to talk to him several times before we booked the date, but never got a response from him. I tried calling, texting, emailing, and never got a response. So, we went ahead and booked the date. That was over a year ago. We sent STD's in September. The invitations were not the first he knew of the wedding.

I tried calling and texting him myself to follow up on the rsvp, but had not heard back from him. I know he's in more regular contact with my Dad than anyone else in the family, so I asked him to try to talk to him. No, my Dad is not hosting my wedding. My FI and I are paying for it ourselves.

If roles were reversed, it wouldn't even be a question for me. There is not another event that would be more important than my brother's wedding. I talked to my FI about all of this last night, and told him if my brother really doesn't come I think that's my sign, and I should give up on the relationship. He's right though, and I really don't want the next time I see or talk to my brother to be at my parent's funerals. But, what do I do?

Essentially, nothing. You tried, multiple times, to reach out to your brother before you set your date. He didn't get back to you.

Your father reached out to him and was told your brother might or might not be there, depending on his HS reunion plans. At this point, all that's left for you to do is send him an e-mail telling him you hope he'll be able to make it, and you're looking forward to seeing him, and put the ball in his court.

If he doesn't come, it's not because of you or anything you did -- it's a choice he made. I'm sorry he's being like this, because I'm sure it hurts, a lot, but there's nothing you can do to change the way he's acting.

It hurts, but sadly, I think you're right. I know it's upsetting for my Dad too, but my Mom is pretty hurt as well. I'm just struggling to understand why he would do this. My younger brother offered to host a family lunch at his house to try to help get everyone together to talk.

I know it really doesn't matter at all, and his motives are none of my business, but I know he's not interested in his HS reunion because he wants to catch up with old friends, it's a "look at me" kind of thing. I'm proud of him and how successful he's become too, but why would showing off to people he didn't care for then, be more important than being there to support his only sister at her wedding?

I just don't understand.

gmcr78 · April 2014

I just wanted to say I'm sorry you're going through this. That's really sad and it's obviously hurting you. You've done all you can, and the ball is in his court now.

SoontobeMrsNytes · April 2014

Thank you, ladies. I do appreciate the extra support. I talked to my Mom this afternoon, and decided I'm going to try to call my brother this evening. If he chooses not to talk to me on the phone, I'll be back for help wording an email.

Thanks again!

ShadeofGreen816 · April 2014

((HUGS)) sorry you're dealing with all this! Sometimes as an only child, I wish I had siblings, but this is just hurtful. If he is hurtful though, just remember that because you share genetic material with someone does not mean that they have a right to treat you badly or that you have to maintain a one-sided relationship with them.

SoontobeMrsNytes · April 2014

SarahRN87 said:

((HUGS)) sorry you're dealing with all this! Sometimes as an only child, I wish I had siblings, but this is just hurtful. If he is hurtful though, just remember that because you share genetic material with someone does not mean that they have a right to treat you badly or that you have to maintain a one-sided relationship with them.

Sadly, you are very right. I told my Dad I can't afford to continue with this emotional warfare, and that's exactly what it feels like.

JCbride2015 · April 2014

Just sending (((hugs))) and I ditto the advice you've already gotten. Good luck.

lc07 · April 2014

Good luck, OP. I hope it works out for the best.

FWIW, If I were you, I would include him and his wife (and children?) in my guest count if I got no response after making the phone call. And eat the $ if he no-shows. I know you didn't say you planned on doing it, but I would never cut the tie now by telling him you are marking him down as a "no" even though it's well within your right to since he has not RSVPd on time.

I would let my brother be the one who just didn't show over being the one who RSVPd no (albeit late) for him.

insertusernamehere · April 2014

And did you not check with VIPs before setting a date?

My brother and I are really close, I could never imagine he would skip my wedding for a high school reunion. If he is close to those people he would see them outside the reunion.

My high school has been absolutely terrible about planning reunions. Most likely, OP's wedding had a date set far before a reunion date was even considered. My wedding date is in 2015, and that will be the year of my five-year reunion. If our class officers set our reunion to be in the summer on a Saturday, a few of us will be having our weddings that weekend, I guarantee it. As of now, weddings have definite dates and reunions aren't even being thought of.

SoontobeMrsNytes · April 2014

LauraMichael2015 said:

And did you not check with VIPs before setting a date?

My brother and I are really close, I could never imagine he would skip my wedding for a high school reunion. If he is close to those people he would see them outside the reunion.
My high school has been absolutely terrible about planning reunions. Most likely, OP's wedding had a date set far before a reunion date was even considered. My wedding date is in 2015, and that will be the year of my five-year reunion. If our class officers set our reunion to be in the summer on a Saturday, a few of us will be having our weddings that weekend, I guarantee it. As of now, weddings have definite dates and reunions aren't even being thought of.

SIB
Exactly this. We set our date last May. The HS just announced the reunion plans in February!

HisGirlFriday13 · April 2014

LauraMichael2015 said:

And did you not check with VIPs before setting a date?

My brother and I are really close, I could never imagine he would skip my wedding for a high school reunion. If he is close to those people he would see them outside the reunion.
My high school has been absolutely terrible about planning reunions. Most likely, OP's wedding had a date set far before a reunion date was even considered. My wedding date is in 2015, and that will be the year of my five-year reunion. If our class officers set our reunion to be in the summer on a Saturday, a few of us will be having our weddings that weekend, I guarantee it. As of now, weddings have definite dates and reunions aren't even being thought of.

Glad my and DH's (separate) high schools aren't the only one. I got an e-mail today that they want to have a reunion either 'Memorial Day weekend, Fourth of July, Labour Day, or Thanksgiving weekend.'

Uhm....really?

NER: How would you handle this?

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