So are vow renewals considered PPD?

theexactlee · April 2014

Kind of nervous to even ask, but are vow renewals considered PPDs? My husband and I are having a formal vow renewal for our 10th anniversary. It is going to be intimate with only about 60 people invited (trust me that is intimate) and we'll both have 3 attendants. My sister and two best friends and his brother and both of our sons. There will be no "firsts" no first dance, no cake cutting, no bride/groom table, I won't be wearing a veil or walking down an aisle (we are all walking in from the sides and meeting. We are having a close friend speak and then just saying some sweet love/relationship affirming things to one another. Then we are having a beautiful party afterwards. It's not meant to be a wedding or anything of that sort and we certainly are not accepting gifts. We even specifically chose to have it on a Sunday afternoon (although I realize weddings are also held on Sundays but it still felt less weddingy). But everyone in our lives is super excited about it. People are already asking if they will be invited (which is stressful). So I guess curiosity just got the better of me when I saw how brutal people became when talking about "wedding redo's".

HisGirlFriday13 · April 2014

MySentimentExactLee said:

Kind of nervous to even ask, but are vow renewals considered PPDs? My husband and I are having a formal vow renewal for our 10th anniversary. It is going to be intimate with only about 60 people invited (trust me that is intimate) and we'll both have 3 attendants. My sister and two best friends and his brother and both of our sons. There will be no "firsts" no first dance, no cake cutting, no bride/groom table, I won't be wearing a veil or walking down an aisle (we are all walking in from the sides and meeting. We are having a close friend speak and then just saying some sweet love/relationship affirming things to one another. Then we are having a beautiful party afterwards. It's not meant to be a wedding or anything of that sort and we certainly are not accepting gifts. We even specifically chose to have it on a Sunday afternoon (although I realize weddings are also held on Sundays but it still felt less weddingy). But everyone in our lives is super excited about it. People are already asking if they will be invited (which is stressful). So I guess curiosity just got the better of me when I saw how brutal people became when talking about "wedding redo's".

No. A vow renewal is just that -- a renewal of previously spoken vows, and it's billed as such and everyone in attendance knows that it's a renewal, not a primary event.

I don't really get the need for 'attendants' at a vow renewal, but that's neither here nor there. You don't really need them. If you're having them, though, don't make them buy or wear matching attire.

PPDs are when the B/G are legally married (a right for which the LGBT community is fighting valiantly) but they're having a large re-do ceremony with all the folderol and frills -- big poufy dress, attendants, first dance, cake cutting, etc. -- and they're often not telling their guests that it's not the real event.

PPDs are frowned upon either when there's a lie involved (i.e., no one knows the B/G are already married) or there's a sense of entitlement ('We got married for the benefits, but I want the parties and the big day to be the centre of attention and I want all the presents!')

As long as you bill the event for what it is, and no one is being misled or lied to or misrepresented to, it's fine.

theexactlee · April 2014

Ahh okay I understand then. Yes we realize the one "faux pas" we are making is have attendants, otherwise we are going out of our way to fit the bill as best we can. I just couldn't imagine doing this without them and I guess it's kind of the PPD excuse of never having them there the "first time" and especially because we wanted to include the boys. I actually plan on paying for their dresses because I do want them to having matching dresses (to a point, possibly the same color but not the same style).

theexactlee · April 2014

Okay I can see why that would be frowned upon. I still kind of feel like to each their own, though I absolutely don't think anyone should lie about it. But if someone wants to play princess for a day a year late due to whatever half assed or fancy assed reason they feel is important to them, why should we judge. And if we are invited to said PPD it is up to us to accept or decline. But don't lie about it, I draw a line in the sand if you lie to me.

HisGirlFriday13 · April 2014

scribe95 said:

Lying is obviously bad. But I draw a line at making choices and then not accepting the consequences. You chose to get married - for whatever reason - and it's lame to reenact it later because you didn't have a "real" wedding. You did. You are married. Acting like you aren't is just lame.

This.

grumbledore · April 2014

theexactlee said:

Kind of nervous to even ask, but are vow renewals considered PPDs? My husband and I are having a formal vow renewal for our 10th anniversary. It is going to be intimate with only about 60 people invited (trust me that is intimate) and we'll both have 3 attendants. My sister and two best friends and his brother and both of our sons. There will be no "firsts" no first dance, no cake cutting, no bride/groom table, I won't be wearing a veil or walking down an aisle (we are all walking in from the sides and meeting. We are having a close friend speak and then just saying some sweet love/relationship affirming things to one another. Then we are having a beautiful party afterwards. It's not meant to be a wedding or anything of that sort and we certainly are not accepting gifts. We even specifically chose to have it on a Sunday afternoon (although I realize weddings are also held on Sundays but it still felt less weddingy). But everyone in our lives is super excited about it. People are already asking if they will be invited (which is stressful). So I guess curiosity just got the better of me when I saw how brutal people became when talking about "wedding redo's".

I would not have attendants for a vow renewal, but other than that it sounds like you are fine.

Personally, I am not a fan of vow renewals unless there has been major upheaval or it's many, many years into the marriage, but there's nothing wrong with them when done appropriately.

Maggie0829 · April 2014

theexactlee said:

Okay I can see why that would be frowned upon. I still kind of feel like to each their own, though I absolutely don't think anyone should lie about it. But if someone wants to play princess for a day a year late due to whatever half assed or fancy assed reason they feel is important to them, why should we judge. And if we are invited to said PPD it is up to us to accept or decline. But don't lie about it, I draw a line in the sand if you lie to me.

Playing princess is for 5 year olds, not grown adults.

Jells2dot0 · April 2014

We all get married for different reasons and choose to celebrate our marriage in different ways. If you are having a vow renewal because you have been through some tough times or really feel strongly about recommitting to one another, then a vow renewal sounds like a lovely idea. If you want to have a vow renewal because you finally want to slip into a wedding gown or want to throw the party you never got to throw because of finances, circumstances, etc, then I recommend rethinking your plans. A vow renewal can occur at any time, without anyone even present, as there are no legal requirements tied to it. It should be about the committment and not the fairy tale day. In fact, ALL weddings should be about the committment and NOT being a princess for a day, but some people lose track of that.

anjuli116 · April 2014

@HisGirlFriday13 I agree with everything you said. I think misleading guests is the biggest problem. For vow renewals, they just need to not be billed as a re-do. I think that can be accomplished even with attendents, as long as they don't looked like carbon-copies of each other. Mostly, I'm commenting though, because I appreciate your use of the word "folderol". Now I have the title song from Guys and Dolls stuck in my head.

theexactlee · April 2014

Oh yes, if I wanted to throw a party any day of the week I would simply throw a party, I'm a bad ass like that. This is a very important celebration regarding hurdles and deeply rooted love. Without our friends and family 10 years probably would not have happened and we want them to celebrate a vow renewal with us. I mean heck, I throw an Oscar party every year, this however is much more special.

HisGirlFriday13 · April 2014

anjuli116 said:

@HisGirlFriday13 I agree with everything you said. I think misleading guests is the biggest problem. For vow renewals, they just need to not be billed as a re-do. I think that can be accomplished even with attendents, as long as they don't looked like carbon-copies of each other. Mostly, I'm commenting though, because I appreciate your use of the word "folderol". Now I have the title song from Guys and Dolls stuck in my head.

It's a great word that I don't get to use very often! And I love 'Guys and Dolls.'

CMGragain · April 2014

Here is an excellent etiquette guide for vow renewals. Enjoy your day.

http://www.idotaketwo.com/vow_renewal_etiquette.html

I played "Sarah" in Guys and Dolls during my younger years.

OP. There are thousands of brides who have had simple courthouse ceremonies. They are just as married as someone who has had a huge, all out wedding. It is insulting to them to imply that a courthouse wedding isn't good enough. That is the reason I hate PPDs.

SammiNJonni · April 2014

There is a difference between a vow renewal and a PPD. What you are doing sounds lovely.

short+sassy · April 2014

OP, I think what you all are planning sounds like a lovely party your guests will enjoy. Having attendants does sound a little odd for a vow renewal, but it is nothing I would side-eye if I were a guest.

With that said, I have to admit, I did side-eye a former co-worker's vow renewal. Here is the difference. Everyone knew they were married, so that wasn't the issue. But she basically had another wedding. Huge reception, big poufy white dress, the whole nine yards. Her and her DH had been married for 8 years at the time, so not even that long or a special anniversary. Oh...and just to add...the original wedding was a big grand affair also...so it wasn't like she had been pining for not having the wedding of her dreams the first go-round.

Not exaggerating, she was the most "Me, Me, ME...look at ME...look at ME" person I have ever met, lol. A lovely woman, other than that, but I had to survive by finding her bragging secretly amusing instead of annoying.

theexactlee · April 2014

Snort. That was hysterical. I think by nature people know I'm kinda mememe. Hello I have a blog named after myself. LOL. But I'm more of an "it's all in good fun" not a serious mememe'er. I am not doing a big white gown by any means. I'm trying hard to keep this all super classy.

So are vow renewals considered PPD?

Re: So are vow renewals considered PPD?

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