Am I about to have a PPD, and should I care?

KatieinBkln · April 2014

I am in the early process of planning my wedding. My situation is that my fiance and I live on the east coast, but both of our families are in the same place in the midwest. Our plan was to have the wedding in the midwest and invite the family and old friends from high school/college (along with a few of our east coast friends who have ties to the midwest, because presumably going there isn't as big a drain since they can see family, etc.), and then have a separate reception for all our east coast friends. The idea was that we knew a lot of people might not be able to make it out to the midwest for what would essentially be a destination wedding, but we still wanted to host them, celebrate together, and generally provide a kickass party that everyone could go to. We were thinking it would be more laid back (I won't wear my gown) but still really fun and definitely a hosted event--nobody would be paying for any alcohol or food.

Is this supremely tacky? Are we "denying" our friends the "real" wedding by doing this? I wasn't even thinking of it as a separate "me and my fiance, look at us!" occasion, so I'm chafing at the whole PPD terminology and notion, but I am curious. As a wedding-goer, my main interest has always been the reception, not the ceremony (I usually find them boring at best unless the person being married is close family), so for me it doesn't seem like a big deal that my east coast friends will miss the ceremony. But maybe that's just my bias as someone who likes receptions better.

tortoisebride · April 2014

So long as you don't treat it like a wedding with vows and all that, and so long as you make it really clear on your invitations that this is a post-wedding party, not a wedding, you'll be fine.

sarawifenow · April 2014

I don't think this is a PPD. As PP said, just don't do any of the "wedding stuff".

JaxInBlue · April 2014

So if it's an open-house, cocktail type party (wherever you have it), and are incredibly clear that it's not a second reception or really wedding related, then it's hard to get into PPD territory. (PPDs frequently involved reenacted ceremonies and redos on reception elements.) However, you should invite everyone you want to celebrate with at your wedding to the Midwest ceremony. The people who may want to travel may surprise you - you never know who might use your wedding to finally see Great Midwestern Locale.

Then, when you're back East and have photos/video/whatever, invite people to the more laid back party. Don't do the wedding stuff - no fancy intros, no bridal party, no toasts. It's okay to have a few photos from the day to share informally but the second party should really just be a special occasion get together.

JellyBean52513 · April 2014

I don't think this is a PPD. As long as you invite everyone to the actual wedding (and let them accept or decline on their own), then you're fine to host an event when you get back to the east coast. At least make a good faith effort to include all of these people in your wedding and if they cannot make it, then that's alright.

cupcait927 · April 2014

As long as you're honest with everyone and don't try to redo the wedding a second time around, sounds like you have a good plan!

doeydo · April 2014

You could just invite everyone to your wedding and those that make it make it and those that don't/can't don't.

JCbride2015 · April 2014

I don't think this is a PPD. However, even if you think they won't travel, you should invite everyone to the wedding. Some people may surprise you and travel. Plus, if I was invited to an AHR but not to the wedding itself, I'd feel like a second-tier guest. Invited to both, I'd just be excited I could make at least one of them.

lyndausvi · April 2014

You are not have a PPD. You are not trying to have your "real wedding". You are just having another party to celebrate. Nothing wrong with that.

When you start having reenactments then you are getting into PPD territory.

Maggie0829 · April 2014

doeydo said:

You could just invite everyone to your wedding and those that make it make it and those that don't/can't don't.

This. I just don't get the whole multiple receptions/party thing.

mbross3 · April 2014

I agree with PP that this does not sound like you're planning a PPD, however I want to emphasize that you should try to invite all the guests you would like to celebrate with, and let them decide whether they can make it or not. If you just decide for them that they won't be able to attend and only invite them to the AHR, it could be seen as a "second tier".

I recommend inviting everyone to the wedding and if you still want another reception later, go for it. Just remember it won't be a "wedding reception" since there won't be a second wedding, but it's perfectly fine to just have a reception.

KatieinBkln · April 2014

Thanks for all these replies! It looks like the consensus is "invite everyone, then throw both parties." This seems like the best way to go.

wrigleyville · April 2014

Definitely invite everyone.

My cousin got married in Louisiana last year. They had the wedding in Louisiana, where her family and friends lived, and then they held a reception in Michigan, where my cousin's family and friends live.

They invited the LA contingent to the LA wedding and the MI gang to the MI reception. My aunt (this cousin's mom) was going on and on about how it was such a great idea and that they'd figured out how to accommodate everyone.

There was much grumbling at the MI reception, though. A bunch of my relatives, including me, felt slighted and left out because we would have LOVED to have gone to the wedding in LA, meet her family, etc, and I'm sure the LA crowd felt the same way. If anything, this separated people when a wedding is really meant to bring people together.

Bottom line: Invite everyone to the wedding, and then you can send invitations to a party. Let people decide if they want to travel for your wedding; don't make that decision for them.

phira · April 2014

Yep, invite everyone, and then throw both parties if you want. You'd be surprised at who'll travel for a wedding.

fleur1870 · April 2014

I think you'll be fine. My step-sister did something similar because she and her now-husband live in WA. I was invited to their wedding in WA but couldn't afford the flight. They later had a cocktail party in CA where they both are from. It was fun, and I hadn't seen them in a long time, so we enjoyed it.

SammiNJonni · April 2014

Invite everyone you want to the wedding you can still have another party wen you get back just don't turn it into another reception.

insertusernamehere · April 2014

Maggie0829 said:

doeydo said:

You could just invite everyone to your wedding and those that make it make it and those that don't/can't don't.

This. I just don't get the whole multiple receptions/party thing.

One of my cousins did this. She had a destination wedding, invited our entire family, and 90% of us couldn't make it - several of us had young children (babies) or were still in college during the wedding. Next spring, she and her parents threw a little party at a restaurant and paid for everyone to come.

They had wedding photos printed out for anyone who wanted to look at them, and she only wore her dress once - back at my Grandmama's house, very briefly, so everyone could see it in person. We insisted she do it just to show us the dress in person, haha. It was a gorgeous dress. No re-enactments, no gifts, nothing. Just a celebration, and showing off the dress for the aunts. It was perfect!

missnc77 · April 2014

doeydo said:

You could just invite everyone to your wedding and those that make it make it and those that don't/can't don't.

I'm in the same boat, just change Midwest to South. Even though it's a destination for everyone but my family, we invited everyone. We understand if people can't make it, and after planning this whole thing, I can't imagine planning another party. It's not their only chance to see you before or after and tell you congratulations, and I'd feel pretty bad if we didn't invite our friends on the assumption they couldn't make it. We've been really surprised about everyone's enthusiasm!

Maggie0829 · April 2014

LauraMichael2015 said:

Maggie0829 said:

doeydo said:

You could just invite everyone to your wedding and those that make it make it and those that don't/can't don't.

This. I just don't get the whole multiple receptions/party thing.

One of my cousins did this. She had a destination wedding, invited our entire family, and 90% of us couldn't make it - several of us had young children (babies) or were still in college during the wedding. Next spring, she and her parents threw a little party at a restaurant and paid for everyone to come.

They had wedding photos printed out for anyone who wanted to look at them, and she only wore her dress once - back at my Grandmama's house, very briefly, so everyone could see it in person. We insisted she do it just to show us the dress in person, haha. It was a gorgeous dress. No re-enactments, no gifts, nothing. Just a celebration, and showing off the dress for the aunts. It was perfect!

Still don't understand it. Sorry. You invite people to a wedding. If people can't come they can't come. It sucks but to throw multiple parties to celebrate the same thing just because some people can't make it is just a bit much in my eyes.

hyechica81 · April 2014

my cousin and his now wife did something like this they did a destination wedding on a cruise in the summer 8 days invited everyone , understood that most of us could not afford the cruise. the important people were able to go like parents and siblings and some of there closest friends,

when they got back they had a backyard party at cousins mil house sandwiches salad pasta, light appz cheese chips dips, everyone was dresses summer casual, for desert they had a cake that just said congrats cupcakes fruit salad cookies, etc they had beverage dispensers with tea lemonade and spiked juice, soda and water outdoor games and the pool was open it was a very small party with cousins aunts uncles of both sides and some close friends. they had the photos of the wedding out for all to see plus they had video of the wedding on the big tv

KatieinBkln · April 2014

This sounds really lovely! That's kind of the vibe I want to go for.

[Deleted User] · April 2014

With family across the country, my cousin did the same thing. Everyone was invited to the wedding and reception in one state. Close family and friends from both sides attended. But in the invitation, they included two additional parties on two consecutive weekends in two other states that the bride and groom would be attending if guests chose to participate. The following weekend was mostly attended by the bride's family at her parents' home. The next weekend was made into a combo family reunion near the groom's grandparents' home. Bride and groom got to meet each other's families (it was a short courtship), and people who didn't have the time or money to dedicate to an out of state (for them) wedding, still got to feel like part of the party.

JellyBean52513 · April 2014

Maggie0829 said:

doeydo said:

You could just invite everyone to your wedding and those that make it make it and those that don't/can't don't.

This. I just don't get the whole multiple receptions/party thing.

This is something that my SO and I have been discussing.... my dad physically can't travel very far (he lives in a nursing home with very limiting medical issues) so a wedding would have to take place in my home state. That being said, most of our guest list would be comprised of SO's family and friends, as he just has a million more people in his life than I do (which is wonderful, as they've all welcomed me with open arms and I love them all dearly). The thing is, the majority of these people come from very modest means; they live in some of the lower-income neighborhoods of Boston, they have huge families, many work multiple jobs. I'm not judging by any means, I could care less what their socioeconomic statuses are, they're the best people I've ever met. But, traveling to my home state would be unrealistic for most of them. They would be heartbroken if SO got married and they weren't able to celebrate with him. We've been discussing the possibility of throwing a Boston party for all of these people if many of them declined. I told him this is really bordering on the etiquette and we'll cross that bridge when we get eventually get to that point, but this is just one more reason why people consider multiple parties.

KatieinBkln · April 2014

Maggie0829 said:

Still don't understand it. Sorry. You invite people to a wedding. If people can't come they can't come. It sucks but to throw multiple parties to celebrate the same thing just because some people can't make it is just a bit much in my eyes.

It seems like you think the wedding is all about the bride and groom wanting something for themselves, but I guess to me, the whole point of having a wedding instead of eloping is to share it with people who love you/care. Personally, I think saying, "Here's my wedding, sucks to be you if you can't make it" is pretty impolite to people who may love you very much but can't make it to a destination, especially in a situation like @JellyBean52513 has, where it's not possible to accommodate everyone in one place. If you have the ability to host a second event and you're confident the people in your life would appreciate being included, I don't think it's "a bit much" or somehow ostentatious to consider your loved ones' situations when planning.

missnc77 · April 2014

KatieinBkln said:

Maggie0829 said:

Still don't understand it. Sorry. You invite people to a wedding. If people can't come they can't come. It sucks but to throw multiple parties to celebrate the same thing just because some people can't make it is just a bit much in my eyes.

It seems like you think the wedding is all about the bride and groom wanting something for themselves, but I guess to me, the whole point of having a wedding instead of eloping is to share it with people who love you/care. Personally, I think saying, "Here's my wedding, sucks to be you if you can't make it" is pretty impolite to people who may love you very much but can't make it to a destination, especially in a situation like @JellyBean52513 has, where it's not possible to accommodate everyone in one place. If you have the ability to host a second event and you're confident the people in your life would appreciate being included, I don't think it's "a bit much" or somehow ostentatious to consider your loved ones' situations when planning.

It's pretty impolite to not give the people you love even the option to come see you wed. If they can't make it, then depending on how many people RSVP no, you can make the decision to host something back in your own state. When we decided to just invite everyone, I thought about how I'd feel if it were reversed. If someone made the decision for me that I couldn't afford something, didn't invite me, but then did invite me to a party to look at pictures and stuff of the event, I'd be pretty put off. I think there are a lot of knee-jerk reactions on this forum that I quietly disagree with, and maybe this is mine. But I am a grown woman, I can decide what I can afford. If you love me, invite me.

KatieinBkln · April 2014

I agree with that, missnc77! I just don't quite understand Maggie0829's rejection of the entire notion of the second party. I'm glad I started this forum since it's really underscored the "invite everyone, THEN see where the RSVPs stand" position to avoid any awkward tiered events like you're describing. (Also: sorry about this quote box. I wanted to quote, then decided against it but the gray will not budge).

happymellow · April 2014

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Am I about to have a PPD, and should I care?

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