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Wives of the Grooms party

carybrad2014carybrad2014 member
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in Wedding Etiquette Forum

The wives of two of our groomsmen did not attend my bridal shower and did not even bother to RSVP. I held a baby shower for one of them and have driven an hour many times to attend children's birthday parties, etc. I am annoyed because I don't feel like they are supporting our relationship by not being there. The best man said he didn't even know I was having a shower even though my sister emailed him asking him something about it (he never responded). My fiancé said he didn't expect them to be there but I don't feel that is right.  I don't feel like he has my back by just letting it slide. Am I crazy to expect the spouses of the bridal party to attend the wedding related functions?

 

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Re: Wives of the Grooms party

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    kkleigh10kkleigh10 member
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    edited April 2014
    I don't think anyone has the right to expect the spouses of groomsmen to be there (its not a mandatory event), however you DO have the right to be hurt -- especially if you're close enough with at least one of them to host her bridal shower! That's just rude behavior on their part. I would be pissed, but I don't think its an offense worthy of getting your FI involved.
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    SammiNJonniSammiNJonni member
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    Invitations are not a summons anyone can decline for whatever reason. While I understand you are hurt and they really should have RSVP'd there is nothing you can do. Yes you do need to let it slide.
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    LDay2014LDay2014 member
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    edited April 2014
    I hate boxes...
    So, OP - if I read that right, you're upset that people you don't really know didn't come and hang out with you at a function designed for gift-giving? 
    Let it go, Maybe they had other plans...maybe their plans were more important to them than your shower.  
    Does it really matter?  Why are you upset about this? 
    If you're upset they didn't RSVP, did the host call them? 'Hey, just wanted to touch base with you if you got the invite and will be able to make it on Sunday?' - it's not really difficult to do.
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    carybrad2014carybrad2014 member
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    I am not that close to one but her husband felt it was ok to call me a few years ago and ask me to host a baby shower for her because she has no friends. So for her I bought her cake, decorations and gifts.  Oh, and we went to their house to help them set things up when the baby came home because they did not do anything before she was born. I do not consider us close but I did all these things for her. Maybe I should have said no!

     

    As far as the other one I took a day off of work when they moved here from another State to help them move in.  I also helped them a year later when they bought a house here and moved there. My sister emailed the wife and she forwarded the email to her husband and copied her on it so I am pretty sure he got it. She didn't even say to me anything like "I'm sorry I couldn't make it".

     

    I guess I am saying that I have gone out of my way numerous times for both of these people so their support would have been nice.

    I had many wonderful people there and it was fabulous! I didn't think about the people that were missing until after the fact.

    Thanks for the input all!

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    LDay2014LDay2014 member
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    edited April 2014

    I am not that close to one but her husband felt it was ok to call me a few years ago and ask me to host a baby shower for her because she has no friends. So for her I bought her cake, decorations and gifts.  Oh, and we went to their house to help them set things up when the baby came home because they did not do anything before she was born. I do not consider us close but I did all these things for her. Maybe I should have said no!

     

    As far as the other one I took a day off of work when they moved here from another State to help them move in.  I also helped them a year later when they bought a house here and moved there. My sister emailed the wife and she forwarded the email to her husband and copied her on it so I am pretty sure he got it. She didn't even say to me anything like "I'm sorry I couldn't make it".

     

    I guess I am saying that I have gone out of my way numerous times for both of these people so their support would have been nice.

    I had many wonderful people there and it was fabulous! I didn't think about the people that were missing until after the fact.

    Thanks for the input all!


    AGAIN...I HATE BOXES.

    So, because you did things for them, they have to do things for you?  Are you keeping score? And yes, you had every right to say 'No'.  The fact you didn't does not make her obligated to come to your bridal shower.

    If you had a wonderful day with your friends then why are you focusing on the people you barely know who weren't there? You yourself admitted you didn't even notice they weren't there.

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    carybrad2014carybrad2014 member
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    That is true, I did not do those things expecting something from them. I just go out of my way to do things for other people and need to realize that everyone is not like that!

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    chibiyuichibiyui member
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    Just let it go. It sucks to do nice things for people and then they seemingly ignore you, but you're not close to them. It was not a slight against you. You just aren't close. 
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    JaxInBlueJaxInBlue member
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    Agree with PPs.  It's okay to feel disappointed when certain people can't make things but it's unreasonable to expect full participation from anyone, let alone people tangentially connect to your wedding.  It was great the you went out of your way for them, but you can't expect anyone to do the same for you.   

    DH will likely miss some or all of my sister's FI's bachelor party.  He's got another commitment the same day, scheduled first, and even though DH is "husband of the MOH," he's going to honor the commitment he made. Everyone involved understands that.  At our own wedding, several spouses of declined the rehearsal dinner invite to see other family members/local friends.  It was fine, and in neither case is missing out a commentary on how anyone feels about the relationship being celebrated.
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    HisGirlFriday13HisGirlFriday13 member
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    Just because their husbands are friends with your FI doesn't mean you and they will be friends. 

    DH has a close guy friend whose wife is a very cold, unpleasant person. She and I are not and never will be friends. DH and his buddy go golfing together, an outing that doesn't involve me and the wife, so they get guy time and I get to avoid the wife. 

    I have friends whose SOs DH is not close to. It's just the nature of adult relationships.

    I agree with lynda that they're just not that into you and you should let it go. Also, your FI does not need to have your back by forcing a relationship or chastising them for not attending your wedding shower.

    In future, when they ask you for something (and they will), just smile and say, 'Oh, no, I can't, sorry.' You don't have to say why you can't (because you don't want to), you just have to say, 'Nope, sorry, can't do it.'
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    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
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    carybrad2014carybrad2014 member
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    Good advice, I am going to be very busy in the future. 

     

    I am just glad I told the one couple that they could not move into my 2 bedroom condo with us a few years ago when they asked me!

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    [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
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    I hate showers.  I hate making small talk with strangers.  I hate playing games.  I hate giving up a saturday afternoon that could be spent on my couch.  Occasionally I'll get an invite to a shower for the significant other of a good friend of my boyfriend.  When I decline the invitation, my boyfriend used to ask if he's supposed to lie to his buddy about our plans and about why I can't make it.  He's stopped asking since I've told him that just because I'm invited doesn't mean I'm being forced to attend.  If I'm inclined, I'll often send a gift delivered to the mystery address on the registry, but I haven't attended a shower in years!
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    FiancBFiancB member
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    I understand being a little hurt, but don't take it so personally. People are busy and a lot of people really don't like showers. Plus there is very much an expectation of a gift- maybe they are planning something on the larger side for your wedding gift and don't feel comfortable getting something for a shower on top of that.

    Remember: no one is as into your wedding as you.
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    ViczaesarViczaesar member
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    carybrad2014 said:

    The wives of two of our groomsmen did not attend my bridal shower and did not even bother to RSVP. I held a baby shower for one of them and have driven an hour many times to attend children's birthday parties, etc. I am annoyed because I don't feel like they are supporting our relationship by not being there. The best man said he didn't even know I was having a shower even though my sister emailed him asking him something about it (he never responded). My fiancé said he didn't expect them to be there but I don't feel that is right.  I don't feel like he has my back by just letting it slide. Am I crazy to expect the spouses of the bridal party to attend the wedding related functions?

     

    You're crazy to expect anyone to attend pre-wedding parties.  Nobody is required to attend; it's an invitation, not a subpoena.



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    lyndausvilyndausvi mod
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    add me to the shower hate.    I kind-of happy I'm missed as many as I have to distance.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
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    jalyndanijalyndani member
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    Ha, and to think I was searching every etiquette thread on TK to make sure I didn't have to invite our GMs' wives to my shower.  I'm sure they're very nice girls in their own "habitats" of sorority houses and fashion shows. I personally find them to be exhausting, high maintenance, and air-headed, and I have absolutely nothing in common with them other than our hubbies have been BFFs since high school.


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    grumbledoregrumbledore member
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    carybrad2014 said:

    The wives of two of our groomsmen did not attend my bridal shower and did not even bother to RSVP. I held a baby shower for one of them and have driven an hour many times to attend children's birthday parties, etc. I am annoyed because I don't feel like they are supporting our relationship by not being there. The best man said he didn't even know I was having a shower even though my sister emailed him asking him something about it (he never responded). My fiancé said he didn't expect them to be there but I don't feel that is right.  I don't feel like he has my back by just letting it slide. Am I crazy to expect the spouses of the bridal party to attend the wedding related functions?

     

    Yes.

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    grumbledoregrumbledore member
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    carybrad2014 said:

    Good advice, I am going to be very busy in the future. 

     

    I am just glad I told the one couple that they could not move into my 2 bedroom condo with us a few years ago when they asked me!

    I think you have the right idea - stop trying so hard.  If you are going to be friends, it will happen naturally.  If not, no biggie.  I like my FI's best friend's wife, but we're not friends outside of that group dynamic.  Maybe we will be someday, maybe not.

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