Etiquette

**UPDATE** Oh yes... another SO invite question!!! Help me prove this!!!

Bubblegum5586Bubblegum5586 member
500 Love Its 1000 Comments Fourth Anniversary First Answer
edited April 2014 in Etiquette
Hello everyone!!!

I need some help on a +1 issue! As discussed on here many many MANY times if the person invited is over the age of 18 and is in a relationship then the SO must be invited. Is there anywhere that states this? I feel if I say "well the girls on theknot.com community boards say so" I may not be taken seriously! (no offense of course!)

If you want to read the background to the question I will post that here;
My cousin is getting married in September and my mom was just talking to her brother about it and he mentioned that my sisters BF may not be invited because they have to make cuts somewhere. My sister is 20 and has been with her BF for 3 years.
This family is VERY well off but this issue is more based on size restrictions as they are hosting it at their summer lake house in Maine. My aunt loves to explain proper etiquette to others.
-I sometimes say "Me and soandso" instead of "soandso and I" (which is wrong....) so she makes sure to scream at me "YOU SOUND LIKE A F*CKING REDNECK IT'S 'SOANDSO AND I!!!!'"
-When their oldest got married I almost didn't get an invite for my BF at the time (now my husband) after 3 years of dating and was the age of 22. When they finally said I could bring my BF, my aunt told my mom "Well if Bubblegum is getting an adult invitation she is expected to bring her own gift and not tack onto yours. I am just telling you this so you know proper etiquette" (just graduated college and still looking for a job while both B&G were lawyers... but me bringing a gift was so very important!)
-meanwhile years ago at my sisters Bat-Mitzvah my aunt demanded that her oldest daughter's BF was invited (together about 3 years and around the age of 22....),and he was invited.


Background wasn't necessary, but wanted to share why we are so mad. My mom is pretty BS right now and I said I would ask you girls!!! So again, is there an etiquette book/website/or something cool I have never even heard of out there that states this??!?!?


***Update****
I received my save the date for this wedding last night, and asked my mom if they got theirs. She said they received one for herself, my step dad and my 20 year old sister. My mom called my cousin to ask about sister's BF of over 3 years (note:longer then the B&G have been together) and she explained they had to make cuts somewhere.... that anyone not engaged or married didn't get a plus 1. Even living together doesn't qualify and that this cut off helped them cut 20 people from their list! They are being incredibly rude to 20 people they "care about"!!!

I am so mad about this, because we had rented a vacation house 2 minutes away for the 6 of us to have a mini vacation. I guess my sister and her bf are still going but looks like they will stay at the rental while we are at the wedding. It totally sucks because I love hanging out and partying with my sister, but I support the stand she wants to make. Another reason why it irks me is that this whole family met her BF at my wedding in September and AGAIN in December when he came to my Nana's funeral and sat Shiva with us. He is obviously a part of our family... ughhhh. 
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Anniversary

Re: **UPDATE** Oh yes... another SO invite question!!! Help me prove this!!!

  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    edited March 2014
    Tell them to use their common sense and realize that a 20 year old and her BF of 3 years should be invited together. ETA: This is not directed to you but just in general to people who need to have something written down or it isn't true. But why is it so hard to use your common sense in today's world? Things don't have to be written down to be the rule. Being kind and courteous should be a common sense thing, not a "oh well I read it out of this book so it must be true" thing.

    Amyzen83kla728lc07
  • Miss manners!!!! This extended family sounds rude presumptuous and no offense, down right bitchy!
  • Tell them that your sister is an adult and as such deserves to be treated like one. If she is not invited with her significant other she will not attend this event or any other events involving these family members. Harsh but that's how I would get the point across.

    Similar story, my cousin invited my sister, my FI and I to her wedding last year via my mother's invitation. None of us do, or ever have, lived with my mother, and none of us were minors. Some people are just lazy/have very poor etiquette. Her sister a few months later invited my mother and my sister to her wedding but not me.
    Amyzen83
  • ei34ei34 member
    Seventh Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Send your aunt here.  This is a reliable source as any!
    Amyzen83
  • Miss Manners says it. If you need me to, I'll go pull the book off my shelf and give you the book name and page number.
    Anniversary

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    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
    lc07
  • edited March 2014
    Miss Manners' Guide for the Turn-Of-The-Millennium page 604:

    No, guests should not be allowed to invite their own guests to weddings, but there are "extras" and extras. Miss Manners would back you in refusing requests on behalf of friends, dates, and perfectly divine people whom one met in a health club last week.

    You do not invite one member of a socially-recognized couple o a purely social function, such as a wedding, without inviting the other. You know yourself that you can't stand Uncle Horace bu that you could not possibly invite Aunt Flora to come without him. The difficulty, of course, is defining such a couple. Traditionally, fiances, as well as spouses, have always qualified. By general consensus, like it or not, people who have set up housekeeping together, declaring themselves to be a social unit, are also recognized.

  • Google this:  Plus One at weddings
    And you'll find all sorts of published, reliable sources that explain the Plus One rule for Weddings.
    PrettyGirlLost
  • It is very rude to correct someone's English grammar, especially in public.  It is OK in private if they are your own children.
    Me and Fiance = Is your Fiance mean?
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
    Amyzen83nebullama
  • pinkcow13pinkcow13 The Concrete Jungle member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    Tell them that your sister is an adult and as such deserves to be treated like one. If she is not invited with her significant other she will not attend this event or any other events involving these family members. Harsh but that's how I would get the point across.

    Similar story, my cousin invited my sister, my FI and I to her wedding last year via my mother's invitation. None of us do, or ever have, lived with my mother, and none of us were minors. Some people are just lazy/have very poor etiquette. Her sister a few months later invited my mother and my sister to her wedding but not me.
    Do we have the same family? A cousin of mine did the same thing, invited us on my parents invitation. I have not lived with my parents in years. Some people are just plain rude, tacky, and lazy.
                                 Anniversary
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    Amyzen83singinchick13
  • ***Update****
    I received my save the date for this wedding last night, and asked my mom if they got theirs. She said they received one for herself, my step dad and my 20 year old sister. My mom called my cousin to ask about sister's BF of over 3 years (note:longer then the B&G have been together) and she explained they had to make cuts somewhere.... that anyone not engaged or married didn't get a plus 1. Even living together doesn't qualify and that this cut off helped them cut 20 people from their list! They are being incredibly rude to 20 people they "care about"!!!

    I am so mad about this, because we had rented a vacation house 2 minutes away for the 6 of us to have a mini vacation. I guess my sister and her bf are still going but looks like they will stay at the rental while we are at the wedding. It totally sucks because I love hanging out and partying with my sister, but I support the stand she wants to make. Another reason why it irks me is that this whole family met her BF at my wedding in September and AGAIN in December when he came to my Nana's funeral and sat Shiva with us. He is obviously a part of our family... ughhhh. 
    image


    Anniversary
  • pinkshorts27pinkshorts27 Oregon member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments First Anniversary First Answer
    ***Update****
    I received my save the date for this wedding last night, and asked my mom if they got theirs. She said they received one for herself, my step dad and my 20 year old sister. My mom called my cousin to ask about sister's BF of over 3 years (note:longer then the B&G have been together) and she explained they had to make cuts somewhere.... that anyone not engaged or married didn't get a plus 1. Even living together doesn't qualify and that this cut off helped them cut 20 people from their list! They are being incredibly rude to 20 people they "care about"!!!

    I am so mad about this, because we had rented a vacation house 2 minutes away for the 6 of us to have a mini vacation. I guess my sister and her bf are still going but looks like they will stay at the rental while we are at the wedding. It totally sucks because I love hanging out and partying with my sister, but I support the stand she wants to make. Another reason why it irks me is that this whole family met her BF at my wedding in September and AGAIN in December when he came to my Nana's funeral and sat Shiva with us. He is obviously a part of our family... ughhhh. 
    image

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
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    tcnoble
  • ***Update****
    I received my save the date for this wedding last night, and asked my mom if they got theirs. She said they received one for herself, my step dad and my 20 year old sister. My mom called my cousin to ask about sister's BF of over 3 years (note:longer then the B&G have been together) and she explained they had to make cuts somewhere.... that anyone not engaged or married didn't get a plus 1. Even living together doesn't qualify and that this cut off helped them cut 20 people from their list! They are being incredibly rude to 20 people they "care about"!!!

    I am so mad about this, because we had rented a vacation house 2 minutes away for the 6 of us to have a mini vacation. I guess my sister and her bf are still going but looks like they will stay at the rental while we are at the wedding. It totally sucks because I love hanging out and partying with my sister, but I support the stand she wants to make. Another reason why it irks me is that this whole family met her BF at my wedding in September and AGAIN in December when he came to my Nana's funeral and sat Shiva with us. He is obviously a part of our family... ughhhh. 
    I can't express enough how much I agree with you and how rude this is to do. I'm doing the same thing as your sister; I declined my boss's wedding because my SO wasn't invited, and she gave the same reasoning: "we had to make cuts somewhere, we thought long and hard about it, but this was the choice we made and we know some people are going to decline because of it." I know your sister's BF will appreciate her loyalty; I know mine did :)
    PrettyGirlLost
  • Bubblegum5586Bubblegum5586 member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    edited April 2014
    PrettyGirlLost it definitely crossed my mind, but a) I really don't think they would give a shit if we don't go lol so I rather take full advantage of a high end wedding on the lake. b) I don't think its really my cousin. Its her mom. They are very well off and have a wedding planner that is handling the entire event. I think this is a scripted line my aunt and WC gave my cousin to say when asked (because they obviously will be asked a lot) and c) my mom's side of the family lives all over the country and these are really the only times we get to all see each other and the last 2 times were at a funeral and my wedding which I was very busy at! I know those all make me sound selfish... I'm hoping they will offend enough people that wont want to travel to a DW alone that maybe the BF will get B-listed lol!!!
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    [Deleted User]
  • I would get REALLY passive-aggressive and I'd RSVP no, writing on the RSVP card, "We have plans with my sister and [boyfriend] that evening down the street. Glad I can save you even more money / afford you even more space."

    Not that that's great etiquette, but I'd be so over it.

    pinkshorts27Bubblegum5586PrettyGirlLost[Deleted User]
  • PrettyGirlLost it definitely crossed my mind, but a) I really don't think they would give a shit if we don't go lol so I rather take full advantage of a high end wedding on the lake. b) I don't think its really my cousin. Its her mom. They are very well off and have a wedding planner that is handling the entire event. I think this is a scripted line my aunt and WC gave my cousin to say when asked (because they obviously will be asked a lot) and c) my mom's side of the family lives all over the country and these are really the only times we get to all see each other and the last 2 times were at a funeral and my wedding which I was very busy at! I know those all make me sound selfish... I'm hoping they will offend enough people that wont want to travel to a DW alone that maybe the BF will get B-listed lol!!!
    And that is why people like that think they can get away with treating other people like shit. There is NO WAY in hell I would go to that wedding.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker


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    pinkshorts27PrettyGirlLostMNVegas
  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost A Land Filled with Unicorns and Cat Hair member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer

    PrettyGirlLost it definitely crossed my mind, but a) I really don't think they would give a shit if we don't go lol so I rather take full advantage of a high end wedding on the lake. b) I don't think its really my cousin. Its her mom. They are very well off and have a wedding planner that is handling the entire event. I think this is a scripted line my aunt and WC gave my cousin to say when asked (because they obviously will be asked a lot) and c) my mom's side of the family lives all over the country and these are really the only times we get to all see each other and the last 2 times were at a funeral and my wedding which I was very busy at! I know those all make me sound selfish... I'm hoping they will offend enough people that wont want to travel to a DW alone that maybe the BF will get B-listed lol!!!
    You are assuming that your cousin is inviting ppl on your mom's side that you want to see, and that they will even show up.  If your cousin pulled this shit with your sister, I'd be very surprised if she didn't pull this shit with other people in your family.

    Blaming this bad behavior on your Aunt and a wedding planner doesn't work for me- it's your cousin's wedding and regardless of who is paying for it, she's an adult I presume, and should be able to open her mouth and speak up when she doesn't agree with things. 

    She's going right along with this rude idea, so whether or not her own mother or the wedding planner is the source, it is essentially coming from her, and as the Bride it will only reflect poorly on her.  Maybe her FI as well, but I think for the most part ppl assume the Bride calls the shots.

    Good luck!

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


    KGold80RebeccaB88
  • phiraphira Bahstin member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary 5 Answers
    RSVP "No" (without any added commentary) and hang out with your sister instead.
    Anniversary
    now with ~* INCREASED SASSINESS *~
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    casey8784pinkshorts27HisGirlFriday13
  • Ditto RSVPing no. I wouldn't care how high-end the wedding is; you diss my family and I have less than no time for you and your bullshit.
    Anniversary

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    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
    pinkshorts27PrettyGirlLost
  • MobKazMobKaz Chicago suburbs member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    PrettyGirlLost it definitely crossed my mind, but a) I really don't think they would give a shit if we don't go lol so I rather take full advantage of a high end wedding on the lake. b) I don't think its really my cousin. Its her mom. They are very well off and have a wedding planner that is handling the entire event. I think this is a scripted line my aunt and WC gave my cousin to say when asked (because they obviously will be asked a lot) and c) my mom's side of the family lives all over the country and these are really the only times we get to all see each other and the last 2 times were at a funeral and my wedding which I was very busy at! I know those all make me sound selfish... I'm hoping they will offend enough people that wont want to travel to a DW alone that maybe the BF will get B-listed lol!!!
    Proof positive that the cost of the wedding does not equate with hospitality or class.  Budget does NOT correlate with etiquette!
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    PrettyGirlLostlc07Bubblegum5586
  • pinkcow13pinkcow13 The Concrete Jungle member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    Wow, that's so shitty of them. 
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  • cathysauruscathysaurus member
    Second Anniversary First Comment
    edited May 2014
    You are assuming that your cousin is inviting ppl on your mom's side that you want to see, and that they will even show up.  If your cousin pulled this shit with your sister, I'd be very surprised if she didn't pull this shit with other people in your family.

    Blaming this bad behavior on your Aunt and a wedding planner doesn't work for me- it's your cousin's wedding and regardless of who is paying for it, she's an adult I presume, and should be able to open her mouth and speak up when she doesn't agree with things. 

    She's going right along with this rude idea, so whether or not her own mother or the wedding planner is the source, it is essentially coming from her, and as the Bride it will only reflect poorly on her.  Maybe her FI as well, but I think for the most part ppl assume the Bride calls the shots.

    Good luck!


    Amen! She's definitely the one condoning it because there is no way the wedding planner and mommy dearest are handling the guest list 100%.

    My thought on +1s is this: Everyone deserves to have company at a big event like this. Even if it's just a friend date because they're not in a relationship, lots of times at weddings people don't know many other attendees if they know any at all, and in those cases it's nice to have someone at your side for the evening. Other friends at the weddings often apply much of their attention to their own SOs, which can leave a single person twiddling their thumbs if they're not comfortable with just jumping into the fray on the dance floor without a partner.

    If offering single potential attendees a +1 is cost prohibitive, it's time to reevaluate the guest list!
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