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Wedding Etiquette Forum
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Help with my sister's wedding
I am fortunate to have one of the best sisters ever! She and her FI both are wonderful people and it is so exciting to see how much they love and appreciate each other. They were both previously married and have 7 children between the 2 of them. Right there an intimate wedding count would be at 9 people. We also have a father, and 2 step dads that we see regularly. We also spend time with our half sister, her husband and their 2 children. One of our step dads married a long time friend who has a daughter and the daughter married our cousin -we call her our sister cousin. I don't know his family well but he has a dad, step dad and step mom.
They would like to have an intimate wedding with possibly all of the above people (28 total) and then invite their friends, both families through 1st cousin's children, coworkers (with SO) and her preschool class with families to a celebration afterwards -fully hosted for the appropriate time of day. In her plan, they would still be in their wedding outfits but there wouldn't be toasts, tosses, 1st dance etc. There would be cake because well, we like cake but it wouldn't necessarily be weddingy.
Does this work etiquette-wise or has it become tiered ? I know the intimate thing is sort of out the window with the large # of dads but with the exception of our sister cousin, all are immediate family. It sounds like we are trying to make exceptions to the rule but we aren't. If it's not tiered, she'll probably do it. If it is, she'll go back to the drawing board.
They would like to have an intimate wedding with possibly all of the above people (28 total) and then invite their friends, both families through 1st cousin's children, coworkers (with SO) and her preschool class with families to a celebration afterwards -fully hosted for the appropriate time of day. In her plan, they would still be in their wedding outfits but there wouldn't be toasts, tosses, 1st dance etc. There would be cake because well, we like cake but it wouldn't necessarily be weddingy.
Does this work etiquette-wise or has it become tiered ? I know the intimate thing is sort of out the window with the large # of dads but with the exception of our sister cousin, all are immediate family. It sounds like we are trying to make exceptions to the rule but we aren't. If it's not tiered, she'll probably do it. If it is, she'll go back to the drawing board.
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Re: Help with my sister's wedding
However, some people on here disagree with that and it is what it is.
It does seem like your sister is trying to make it intimate, but can't see herself getting married without the important people in her life, which I get.
Is there a reason she wants to keep it intimate? Is there is a reason she wants to celebrate her marriage with people she doesn't want at her marriage ceremony?
Because I think at this point, with the growing number of the reception guest list, she might as well just invite everyone to both.
She has never liked a lot of attention drawn to her and I think a big part of it is so she can focus on the ceremony rather than the crowd. I'm guessing she could do without the party and feel perfectly happily married but wants to thank relatives and friends for supporting their relationship and merging of families. I also feel that she is trying to please the kids, family and friends who are all excited for them and thinks that if they host a party, there would be less of a chance of very well meaning people throwing one for them. Our family throws a party for just about anything and if there isn't one planned, there is a good chance of being invited over and then WOW, surprise party with 50 people there.
In my opinion, though, some lines are starting to be blurred (not in a good way) when the preschool class gets invited. Before she gets her heart set on that idea, she should really consider if such an invitation is within professional standards. If her preschool is part of a school system or structured work environment, there may be rules she needs to check or permissions she needs to get to invite students to a personal, non-school function. I don't want to say it's not a nice idea, but there should be some concern that inviting her students might place an awkward burden on some of them and their families if they feel they must attend. It may be better than she plan to do something special with her class - such as bringing cupcakes for snack - after the wedding itself.
Also, I don't think it's appropriate for your sister to invite her pre-school class to the celebration. Her relationships with these kids are professional and not personal and should stay that way. Not only that, but she would have to also invite their parents to the reception to supervise their kids, and the rules about inviting SOs don't change for the parents of one's students. That would add a lot of extra people to the guest list that she doesn't have a personal relationship with.
She owns and operates the preschool and a lot of the current kids have had siblings taught by her. She has become close with many of the families throughout the years so it's not quite as odd but I do realize it does seem a bit strange. All of their families and SOs would be invited if she included the class. She isn't close with all but didn't want to exclude anyone either. She may drop that idea altogether if it just sounds like a gift grab though.
It's not so much that she's shy, she does love a good party, just not all eyes on her like it would be at a ceremony, a first dance, cake cutting etc. In their case, it wouldn't cost more to invite everyone to the ceremony, so I know it's not for that reason.
Sorry if it sounds like I'm making excuses or saying that she's a special snowflake, that's not my intention. They want to do it right and asked my advice on if it would work so I knew I could count on you ladies to steer them in the right direction!
Yeah, I definitely see how she's have to invite all the kids so as to not leave anyone out, and I think that's a big push toward not doing it at all.
As PPs said, there IS a right way to do it, I just don't know why you would. Another option could be having a VERY small ceremony (honestly, I'd just do my FI and kids) and then a larger, casual party another day.
I totally understand not wanting to be the center of attention, but I'm confused by her using this reason.
Every few weeks I do a cooking class at the preschool. I think what I may do when it gets closer to the time or after the wedding, is to have the kids make "wedding" cakes and celebrate then. I'll suggest that.
Thanks!