Are charity donations on a registry appropriate?

salrysh · May 2014

My fiancé and I are older (both in our mid/late 30s) so as far as the typical registry goes we have most of the essentials (and even the nicer stuff) between the two of us. On top of that we're both very practical. So if we already have one (or in some cases two) of something we don't see a need to ask for another. We have registered for a few items the way you're supposed to (one nice store, one mid store, one cheaper store) but the lists are very, very short. If they don't want to purchase off our registry is it appropriate to ask they make a donation to a charity? There is one that is very near and dear to our hearts and our friends/family know about how much it means to us. We already know how much guests will be spending to attend our wedding (we're states away from our families) so we don't want them to spend more money on 'stuff'. Especially since we already have duplicates of so much already and we don't want to just toss stuff in a closet. Of course we would appreciate any gift or gesture. Are we just being too practical? We do not want to offend anyone, we don't want money to be wasted and the rules have changed so much I'd appreciate any input.

HisGirlFriday13 · May 2014

salrysh said:
My fiancé and I are older (both in our mid/late 30s) so as far as the typical registry goes we have most of the essentials (and even the nicer stuff) between the two of us. On top of that we're both very practical. So if we already have one (or in some cases two) of something we don't see a need to ask for another. We have registered for a few items the way you're supposed to (one nice store, one mid store, one cheaper store) but the lists are very, very short. If they don't want to purchase off our registry is it appropriate to ask they make a donation to a charity? There is one that is very near and dear to our hearts and our friends/family know about how much it means to us. We already know how much guests will be spending to attend our wedding (we're states away from our families) so we don't want them to spend more money on 'stuff'. Especially since we already have duplicates of so much already and we don't want to just toss stuff in a closet. Of course we would appreciate any gift or gesture. Are we just being too practical? We do not want to offend anyone, we don't want money to be wasted and the rules have changed so much I'd appreciate any input.

However practical or meaningful this is, it's really not appropriate.

If people give you cash, give the money to your charity.

But don't ask them to donate to your charity for you as a gift.

Northrend · May 2014

Make your small registry, and many people will give you cash. Then you can donate the money to charity if that is how you want to spend it.

Simply Fated · May 2014

I agree with pps. There is nothing stopping you from donating money to your own charity of choice, but it's not appropriate to ask other people to do that as a gift.
The only exception I can think of is a funeral. You know, "in lieu of flowers yada yada yada."

KGold80 · May 2014

Isn't it possible that some people would be annoyed if they gifted cash only to have the recipients turn around and donate it? Especially if it was to a charity they didn't support for whatever reason?

lyndausvi · May 2014

KGold80 said:

Isn't it possible that some people would be annoyed if they gifted cash only to have the recipients turn around and donate it? Especially if it was to a charity they didn't support for whatever reason?

Possible. Not sure how they would know unless the couple told them.

I can see the poor guest who scraped up $30 as a gift getting annoyed. I'm sure they would rather have $30 in their pocket.

ETA - I think people over-think and over-stress over possible gifts. If you are having a showers, make sure you have some physical gifts on the registry. If you truly do not need anything then forgo the showers.

Let the weddings gifts fall where they will. Appreciate anything you might get and write a TY. If you get money and want to donate, no one is stopping you. If you want to use to for something "big" that you would not normally buy then do that. Or a weekend get away or just putting into savings.

Northrend · May 2014

KGold80 said:

Isn't it possible that some people would be annoyed if they gifted cash only to have the recipients turn around and donate it? Especially if it was to a charity they didn't support for whatever reason?

If you give someone cash, you can't have any expectations about how it will be spent.

Simply Fated · May 2014

KGold80 said:
Isn't it possible that some people would be annoyed if they gifted cash only to have the recipients turn around and donate it? Especially if it was to a charity they didn't support for whatever reason?

I personally think this is why it's not a good idea to register for a charity. If a guest purposely bypasses giving the cash to the charity and giving the cash directly to the couple, they might wrongly assume they dodged that bullet. Or the guest might give a boxed gift in order to dodge the charity, which would defeat OP's purpose of registering for a charity.

In general, though, any gift given is now the recipient's gift. So, if you give the couple a lamp for their living room, but they choose to put it in their bedroom, that's their choice. Same with cash. You might give them cash to use for their registry at BBB, but if they turn around to use it on their HM, that's their choice. Although, I do absolutely think that if they say they are going to use the money for X, they should follow through with that.
If you're concerned they'll use your cash gift at a charity you oppose, then it might not be a good idea for you to give them cash.
General you, not You, of course.

CMGragain · May 2014

No. This is done at funerals, not weddings.

KGold80 · May 2014

I'm offering a hypothetical. In no way is this indicative of my personal situation. I've been taught that if one is gifted cash, it is nice for the "thank you" note to include mention of how the gift will be used, so is that not the case? If I were to later find out that the gifted cash did not actually go to the couple and instead went to a charity I opposed I would be a bit miffed. I figure that if I wanted to donate to X charity, I would give the money to that charity myself. The whole idea just leaves a bad taste in my mouth, but maybe that's just me.

AddieCake · May 2014

Yeah, but if you give someone cash, you don't choose what they do with it. If you want money used for something or not used for something, buy a physical gift or give a gift card.

Northrend · May 2014

KGold80 said:

I'm offering a hypothetical. In no way is this indicative of my personal situation. I've been taught that if one is gifted cash, it is nice for the "thank you" note to include mention of how the gift will be used, so is that not the case? If I were to later find out that the gifted cash did not actually go to the couple and instead went to a charity I opposed I would be a bit miffed. I figure that if I wanted to donate to X charity, I would give the money to that charity myself. The whole idea just leaves a bad taste in my mouth, but maybe that's just me.

Money always goes to someone other than the couple eventually. Would you be mad if you hated a certain company and then found out the B&G spent your money on a product that company makes? Or what if they saved the money for a long time but eventually they were killed in a car crash and one of their a*hole relatives inherited it? There's just tons of scenarios and you can't have expectations about what happens to money once you gift it to someone.

Jen4948 · May 2014

No, it's not appropriate for you to ask for donations.

Your wedding is not a fundraiser. If you want to donate to charity, and do so of your own funds or of funds you receive as gifts, more power to you. But it is not acceptable for you to tell others to donate of what is still their own funds as a gift to you. It's up to them to decide what they want to spend it on, including what causes they want to support, which may not be the causes you support, or any at all.

jdluvr06 · May 2014

Just give whatever money you get to charity. That is what FI and I are going to do.

salrysh · May 2014

The charity is for cardiovascular research that was started after my brother suddenly died of a heart attack at the age of 15. Not sure if that makes any difference. We would not be telling anyone to give money. We would not expect anyone to give anything other than their time that is shared with us. It would be an 'in lieu of' scenario. Any gifts we would receive would be much appreciated and followed up with a thank you note. I have been taught that a cash gift should be not just acknowledged but intentions for the gift shared as well. We just figured that if guests truly feel the need to give a gift we'd rather it go to something other than us where it would be used to help kids and fully appreciated. Especially after I've helped so many friends go through gifts only to put them in return, why this, this was not on any registry, ew ugly piles. I find that offensive personally. I spend the time to get a gift and learn it was never appreciated, used or returned for store credit or cash. Not sure how it's different than just taking cash gifts and donating it ourselves. But I understand how an 'in lieu of' request can come off to people so that's why I asked. We won't do it if it is not proper or would offend anyone. But ya can't be told no if ya don't ask. Thanks everyone for the replies!

Jen4948 · May 2014

salrysh said:

We would not be telling anyone to give money. We would not expect anyone to give anything other than their time that is shared with us. It would be an 'in lieu of' scenario. Any gifts we would receive would be much appreciated and followed up with a thank you note. I have been taught that a cash gift should be not just acknowledged but intentions for the gift shared as well. We just figured that if guests truly feel the need to give a gift we'd rather it go to something other than us where it would be used and fully appreciated. Especially after I've helped so many friends go through gifts only to put them in return, why this, this was not on any registry, ew ugly piles. I find that offensive personally. I spend the time to get a gift and learn it was never appreciated, used or returned for store credit or cash. Not sure how it's different. But I understand how an 'in lieu of' request can come off to people so that's why I asked. We won't do it if it is not proper or would offend anyone. But ya can't be told no if ya don't ask. Thanks everyone for the replies!

Registries for boxed gifts are okay because they are merely wish lists for actual gifts that someone can give you. But it's not reasonable to indicate that you want anything "in lieu of" gifts because it's rude to have an "expectation" of receiving gifts, even if guests are supposed to give you gifts.

Truth is, gifts are optional on the part of the givers. Even if a guest doesn't give you a gift, or doesn't give you one you want, you still have to be gracious, allow them to attend the wedding, and provide them with all the amenities any guest should receive from you. It's not polite for you to indicate that you "expect" gifts. Since no one is required to give you a gift off a registry, they just pass etiquette. But any "in lieu of" is not appropriate.

Also, charities are a personal thing. The causes that are near and dear to you may not be causes your guests support, and they might not be willing to donate to them, even as a gift to you. That's something you have to accept. If you want to donate funds they give you, or of course your own funds, that's perfectly okay, but when the money hasn't yet exchanged hands, it's not okay for you to tell anyone to donate as a gift to you.

salrysh · May 2014

I was merely just participating in the conversation. I still find some of the statements contradictory but as stated above: ...I understand how an 'in lieu of' request can come off to people so that's why I asked. We won't do it if it is not proper or would offend anyone. But ya can't be told no if ya don't ask. Thanks everyone for the replies!

Simply Fated · May 2014

I still maintain that "in lieu of" should really only be for funerals.

While this charity is very important to you, and I understand why that is, it's still a charity and your wedding is neither the place nor the time to hold a fundraiser.

As a friend/family member I absolutely would donate to your charity (if I agreed with it) if you were holding some sort of fundraising event. Your wedding is a wedding, not a fundraising event, kwim? Soooo, if you were looking to raise money for this charity, what if you held some sort of fundraising event seperate from your wedding?

Jen4948 · May 2014

salrysh said:

I was merely just participating in the conversation. I still find some of the statements contradictory but as stated above: ...I understand how an 'in lieu of' request can come off to people so that's why I asked. We won't do it if it is not proper or would offend anyone. But ya can't be told no if ya don't ask. Thanks everyone for the replies!

You're welcome. There are people who are okay with registering for donations, but most regulars here are not. Also, I think most etiquette authors like Miss Manners are not either.

mysticl · May 2014

salrysh said:

The charity is for cardiovascular research that was started after my brother suddenly died of a heart attack at the age of 15. Not sure if that makes any difference. We would not be telling anyone to give money. We would not expect anyone to give anything other than their time that is shared with us. It would be an 'in lieu of' scenario. Any gifts we would receive would be much appreciated and followed up with a thank you note. I have been taught that a cash gift should be not just acknowledged but intentions for the gift shared as well. We just figured that if guests truly feel the need to give a gift we'd rather it go to something other than us where it would be used to help kids and fully appreciated. Especially after I've helped so many friends go through gifts only to put them in return, why this, this was not on any registry, ew ugly piles. I find that offensive personally. I spend the time to get a gift and learn it was never appreciated, used or returned for store credit or cash. Not sure how it's different than just taking cash gifts and donating it ourselves. But I understand how an 'in lieu of' request can come off to people so that's why I asked. We won't do it if it is not proper or would offend anyone. But ya can't be told no if ya don't ask. Thanks everyone for the replies!

It doesn't. The thing about donating to charity is people have their reasons why they do it and why they don't do it. They may have nothing against cardiovascular research but there may be something they can more about. Or their issue could be with the business practices of that specific charity. I know nothing about yours but some spend the majority of money on administrative costs and very little actually makes it to the cause.

I rarely include how the money is going to be spent because I honestly don't know. I thank them for the generous gift and mention something about how useful it is. I'm a very practical person so if I receive cash as a gift it usually goes into my checking account and gets spent on things like food and electricity.

biggrouch · May 2014

Serious question: Why IS it Knot-approved for funerals and not for weddings?

biggrouch · May 2014

(Assuming the couple doesn't say they ONLY want gifts of charity donations or criticize the practice of giving regular gifts)

Simply Fated · May 2014

biggrouch said:
Serious question: Why IS it Knot-approved for funerals and not for weddings?

For me? Personally? A few reasons...
Most importantly... The person is dead and can't appreciate gifts. Not won't, can't.
So, the intended "gift" ends up being for the family, which is just not a black and white issue.

"In lieu of..." is usually in reference to flowers.
The person can not appreciate the flowers because they are dead. Jewish funerals do not even include throwing/placing flowers onto caskets.

Jen4948 · May 2014

biggrouch said:

Serious question: Why IS it Knot-approved for funerals and not for weddings?

Because the honoree (the deceased) isn't asking for the donations to be made. The couple, being the honorees, can't make that request of their guests politely.

wrigleyville · May 2014

Additionally, the donations are generally made "in honor of" or "in memory of" the person who passed away.

Are charity donations on a registry appropriate?

Re: Are charity donations on a registry appropriate?

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